# Is anyone you love a bigot? How about persons you've loved in the past? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 7, 2012, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023 "2012-10-07T21:52:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/41 "2012-10-09T09:23:30Z")
My mother does not hate anyone, but she does tend to believe a lot of the stereotypes. Oddly enough, she likes Jews, because she believes that they are all rich. (And a rich husband is always desirable.) ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/42 "2012-10-09T09:51:10Z")
My dad really hates muslims, and says negative things about blacks, though I think he has become a lot more moderate in recent years. Still embarasses me though. But considering that his son (me) is dating an asian guy (American born and natural citizen, but speaks Cantonese with his family who are not American born), he handles things pretty well. He’s very deeply religious and fundamentally conservative, but we have a good relationship. My grandfather on my mother’s side is also deeply biggoted. He fought in WW 2 so of course he “hates the Japs”. And he also can’t stand “having a black man in the white house.” He’s also deeply conservative although not religious, so it’s kind of odd. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/43 "2012-10-09T10:30:11Z")
I would never stop loving someone because I discovered they were a bigot. It’s an impossible situation for me to imagine. If I love them then all of their faults and flaws come with the package. On the other hand, I might be prevented from (falling into) love with someone because they were a bigot. I don’t know. I don’t really know that many bigots, come to think of it. OK, I know a few. A friend’s mother said some pretty bizarre things about Jews to me whenever we were alone. She wouldn’t say this stuff in public, but just when we were alone. Things like 'How to make a Jew unhappy" - give him (sic) some gold. Then he’ll worry himself stupid about how to protect it and won’t be able to sleep. I have no idea why she thought it would be OK for her to talk to me about that. It wasn’t OK. But I didn’t say anything. I consider her a product of her time and place (ww2, eastern Europe). She made me dinner for years and treated me like her son, so I can’t not love her. She’s damaged and has some strange ideas. I still love her though. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/44 "2012-10-09T13:30:59Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > My parents are both horrible bigots, but I honestly struggle with whether I love them or not. I probably love my mom, probably don’t love my dad. I handle it by avoiding them. My parents are not very good people, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I love them anyway. I can’t help it. It’s not about who they are, but who I am, and that is the person I am. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/45 "2012-10-09T13:36:26Z")
My mom would never say anything to a gay person’s face, but she opposes gay rights legislation and thinks that being homosexual is a crime against God. She and most of the rest of my extended family on that side are also somewhat racist. Not overtly, just along the lines of telling stories about how they “got lost in the black part of town” on vacation and whatnot. :rolleyes: I love them but I can’t talk about politics with them. ---
**Author:** ![Charley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/97f17d/32.png) [@Charley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charley)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/46 "2012-10-09T13:36:37Z")
My first husband, who I assume I loved at some point, although time and memory have made it difficult for me to remember, is a bigot. He’s quite racist and extremely sexist. I didn’t notice when we first got together, but the longer our relationship continued the more I did, and the more I felt humiliated and angry about it. In addition he had some neurological issues, some anxiety problems, a significant alcohol problem and a shocking temper. I married him and stayed with him for as long as I did because I felt, for various reasons, that it was the right thing to do - that it was my job. Once his hatefulness became blindingly obvious (and that is the right word, he was hateful to everyone and everything around him) my feelings for him died and eventually I got the courage to leave him. It was absolutely the hatred that killed the relationship for me, and I don’t even believe he included me in his anger, not consciously. I do believe that he loved me as much as he could love at all. I don’t even feel pity for him and the mess he’s created round himself now - it’s his bed, he can lie in it. We thankfully had no children, so once the common property was disposed of I walked away without a backward glance. The man I fell in love with afterwards is a good, honest, gentle man - I finally learned to make choices with my feelings and I’m so much better for it. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/47 "2012-10-09T14:17:12Z")
Answering before I’ve read any responses… I have a new friend that I love dearly. She’s all kinds of awesome. But when I talked about another friend who is dating multiple people, men and women, some of whom are trans (both M2F and F2M), my new friend kind of freaked out. She truly believes that gay is wrong, trans is wrong, and “those people need to be fixed.” And she’s slept with some women. I don’t know if I consider her to be a bigot so much as ignorant. I continue to be friends with her, and hope that she is open to being more educated about the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/48 "2012-10-09T15:54:35Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > My High School girlfriend, Senior year, 1968. > We were 18, deeply in love (and lust), planned on getting married. We didn’t. Broke up several months after HS graduation ( **Thank God** , he said with the wisdom of hindsight.) She was the first of my very few serious relationships. We had a couple of conversations (telephone) in the five years afterward, friendly enough. No contact since then, although I’d wonder about her from time to time. “First love” and all that. > Fast forward to 2010. I’m randomly interwebbing in a hometown news site, and come across a high quality color photo of her. Waving a little American flag at a Tea Party rally, apparently shouting, with an angry snarl on her face. **YOW!!** > The last time we’d spoken, about 35 years ago, I knew that her views were conservative. But it saddened me to see that 2010 photo her as an angry, ignorant racist. Tea Party does not equal racist. My dearest friend and her husband are Tea Partiers, and while I disagree with their politics I haven’t the slightest doubt about their personal integrity or ethics. Why, yes, I did mean to imply that racists lack personal integrity and ethics. What of it? ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/49 "2012-10-09T16:58:16Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > It’s amazing how big a change there’s been on bigotry in a relatively short time. Compare what was “normal” in 1950 to 2000 and it’s like they’re two different worlds. This thread shows evidence of this as people talk about their family members from a previous generation. I’m in my 50’s. When you talk to people in my age group I think the chances are pretty slim that any of us wouldn’t have known and loved a bigot. It’s the way it was when I was growing up. Discrimination was still legal, I know what it is to be passed over for a promotion because the man I worked with needed the money more. I know what it is to have an algebra teacher ignore us girls because we were wasting his time. I finally broke down and got my father to co-sign the first house I bought because I was a single woman and the bank didn’t want to give me the loan. The first house I bought had a covenant that the house could not be sold to blacks. No way I could have dated a black man 35 years ago. The few bi-racial couples I knew were pretty much ostracized, the man could get beaten up, and most of the white guys I knew would never date a woman who had been with a black man. You can’t judge the people of the past by the standards of today. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/50 "2012-10-09T19:01:16Z")
While I was growing up, my parents didn’t get along. My mom decided for some reason that all my father’s flaws were because he was Latvian. She would spend drunken hours snarling at me that Latvians were no good lazy lying trash. Never mind that I was half-Latvian. Thanks for the memories Mom. P.S. My mom doesn’t drink anymore, and she doesn’t talk that way anymore. My dad actually was a lying cheat, but not because he was a Latvian. He’s dead and gone now. Life moves on. Still hurts though. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2012, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/51 "2012-10-09T19:10:15Z")
My dad was a terrible bigot who could be quite loud and open about it. His friends from work were bigots too, or they at least seemed to my young mind to be agreeing with and reinforcing my dad. I’m not going into details because I loved my dad. He had many wonderful characteristics but there were some groups he did not like. Individuals, he normally got along with. Most racial groups, there was some issue. Mom, refused to use hateful words, even if she may have agreed with dad that this or that group was ruining America, music, the neighborhood, our youth or whatever. I love my mom too. That is the house I grew up in and I think I shed most of that bigotry because of the school system and TV. In fact, my dad loved \*Archie Bunker \*and I’m certain the reflection of his bigotry in that show caused him to realize and moderate his way of doing things. It took maybe 10 years of me using the phrase “black people” before he started saying that, rather than the word he had always used that he learned from his parents. Baby steps. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/52 "2012-10-10T00:45:46Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Tea Party does not equal racist… Oh. ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2012, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/53 "2012-10-10T14:31:05Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > It’s amazing how big a change there’s been on bigotry in a relatively short time. Compare what was “normal” in 1950 to 2000 and it’s like they’re two different worlds. This thread shows evidence of this as people talk about their family members from a previous generation. Hell, less than half that for the LGBT community. I remind people of the power of peer pressure when they bitch about how inconvenienced they are by political correctness. ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/54 "2012-10-11T01:46:15Z")
My dad is a bigot and I seem to remember I loved him when I was about 5 years old. Since then I can only remember being afraid of him, hoping he wouldn’t come home that night. Which he often wouldn’t since he was usually out spending his pay on booze, gambling and women rather than feeding his family. On days that he did come home us kids would be cowering under the bed clothes trying not to hear the shouting match going on between my mum and dad. I’ve been estranged from him most of my adult life until a few years ago. He is a major bigot always ranting about socialists / communists, women, blacks, Indians, and muslims. He once told me he thought Adolf Hitler had some good ideas but that he went about them the wrong way. A few years ago when he heard that a major earthquake in Iran had killed thousand of people he was ecstatic - they got what they deserved. He is also a serious alcoholic. He drinks every single day of his life and will put away either a 4 litre (1 gallon) cask of wine or a 700ml bottle of scotch or vodka in a typical day. He is a dirty man who smells like ass - he always has been dirty as far back as I can remember. We’re estranged once again since he has decided that I’m a communist. I don’t care. I don’t feel any love for him - he is a revolting excuse for a human being. ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/55 "2012-10-11T01:57:27Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > I’m not sure if this counts as bigoted since it seems to be a cultural thing but my ex-husband is Japanese and when he was living out here in the US, he made it VERY clear that he intensely hated all things Korean. We couldn’t eat at any Korean restaurants, buy anything from Korean companies or anything. I got an earful once when I mentioned liking some Hyundai car. He’d refuse to talk to anyone Korean, would never ever sit near them if he could help it (he went to an English language school here in Oregon) and just generally despised them. It was really horrible how deep the hatred went. It got to the point where we’d get into fights over how he talked about them in front of our daughter. I can’t say it was the main reason we’re not together anymore but it definitely contributed. Maybe he has at some time picked up on the fact that most Koreans hate the Japanese. The reason for this hatred is the Japanese occupation of Korea before and during world war 2. ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/56 "2012-10-11T01:59:46Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Tea Party does not equal racist. My dearest friend and her husband are Tea Partiers, and while I disagree with their politics I haven’t the slightest doubt about their personal integrity or ethics. > > Why, yes, I did mean to imply that racists lack personal integrity and ethics. What of it? While I believe that your friends are good people I’m very skeptical about the nature of the Tea Party in general. ETA: I just realized, maybe that makes me bigoted. But I have read so many accounts of outrageous and stupid things said by Tea Party members and seen so much similar video footage. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/57 "2012-10-11T04:06:01Z")
I was completely infatuated once with a man from Mississippi. We weren’t really dating (how could we be? I was in Canada) but I went down there with big hopes that he might be THE ONE. I had plan A which was spend a whole week with him, and plan B)Visit him for three days, then do some other traveling. Well by the end of the first day I was horrified how racist he was. Comments about someone being “right smart for a Black woman” and him offering a dollar to someone who helped push his car out of the ditch “you don’t want to give that kind any more, they’ll only buy liquor with it” made me decide not to continue the visit past the first three days I had planned. Closer to home, many many people I love and am close to are racist about First Nations people, aka Native Canadians. I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to fight, I do however say that the problems that exist run deep and there are no easy fixes. ---
**Author:** ![Imasquare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Imasquare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imasquare)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/58 "2012-10-11T06:24:13Z")
> [@Phila444](#): > > My mom (who is in her early 60s now) went through this weird phase in her mid to late 40s where she seemed resentful of anyone who didn’t look like her… I wonder if that might have been a reaction to the 9/11 horrors? If she’s in her early 60s now she would have been late 40s / early 50s back then. ---
**Author:** ![duchessofdork](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@duchessofdork](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duchessofdork)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/59 "2012-10-11T06:45:17Z")
My situation is a little different. I’m widowed, and my late husband’s parents are incredibly bigoted. Hate blacks, hate gays, etc. But I’ve worked really hard to make sure my little one has a relationship with them, and he loves the crap out of them. I mean, my parents are just as racist-- I live in the very rural South, so it’s disgustingly common here. But I cut them off. I can’t do that to my IL’s-- it’s the only link to his dad’s family my kid will have. Dude, I adored my grandparents, and took everything they said as gospel. If my parents had tried to gently suggest that something they believed was wrong? I’d have been angry and distrustful of my parents. I’ve left their home with my son on several occasions after my FIL said “n$%^&er”, and I’ve made it pretty clear that we’ll continue to leave when that happens, but I’m really scared my kid will internalize these ideas no matter what I teach at home. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2012, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023/60 "2012-10-11T14:46:24Z")
> [@Imasquare](#): > > Maybe he has at some time picked up on the fact that most Koreans hate the Japanese. The reason for this hatred is the Japanese occupation of Korea before and during world war 2. Well, like I said I’m sure it’s cultural and not just him as an individual. I know the feeling between the countries is mutual. The way he explained it to me, was that the Koreans have ‘stolen’ everything from Japan. Japan starts making electronics? So does Korea! Japan makes cars? Korea decides to make cars! He’s also convinced that any ‘Japanese’ person who tries to defend Korea in any way is secretly Korean. I know that many Koreans in Japan change their names to Japanese ones in order to avoid the racism. Either way, it’s ridiculous and whenever I didn’t agree with him about his hatred of the Koreans, it was because I hated Japan. :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anyone-you-love-a-bigot-how-about-persons-youve-loved-in-the-past/637023.md?page=4)