# Is anything \_NOT\_ the 'perfect christmas gift'? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 26, 2003, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340 "2003-11-26T06:30:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/21 "2003-11-26T14:52:55Z")
Someone please tell my mother that a country applique sweatshirt is _never_ the perfect gift. Not for the girl who smokes and wears all black. And then because I felt guilty and couldn’t throw it out or give it away, it moved with me six times. Ah, resentment. The gift that keeps on giving. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/22 "2003-11-26T15:38:40Z")
I agree that coffee is a fine gift. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/23 "2003-11-26T15:54:11Z")
The Clapper might be okay but the clap is right out. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/24 "2003-11-26T15:59:14Z")
I don’t think that the Super Weight-Loss Formula would make the perfect Xmas gift- _unless you planned to start a fight…_ ---
**Author:** ![hockeynut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c68b51/32.png) [@hockeynut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hockeynut)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/25 "2003-11-26T16:35:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sirtonyh \* > \*\*I believe buying the lady in your life an ironing board is unlikely to illicit a favorable response. \*\* Unless you consider a frying pan upside the head a favorable response. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/26 "2003-11-26T18:00:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Erroneous \* > \*\*I believe that a lemur, drowned in a vat of semen and urine, would make a poor Christmas present. \*\* It depends on who the gift is being given to, and, of course, how much personal effort had to go into filling the vat and drowning the lemur. ---
**Author:** ![Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bren_Cameron_1)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/27 "2003-11-26T18:10:03Z")
No, no, **Gary** , a new mop. That’ll make her happy. You know what I hate? Not just the “this will be the perfect gift” crap, although that’s bad enough. No, what I hate are the ads where we’re shown the recipient opening the gift, holding it up, and proceding to fake an orgasm right there on the screen. Every single fucking thing, to use Lobsang’s felicitious phrase, is not only a perfect gift, but _such_ a perfect gift that your loved ones, on receiving it, will convulse with ecstacy. Uh huh. You know, I like getting gifts, and some gifts really please me quite a lot, but somehow I’ve never been inspired to behave quite like the folks on TV when they open up their new Dustbuster ™. And if any of my friends or family members act that way this Christmas, I’ll be strongly tempted to recommend psychiatric help. ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/28 "2003-11-26T19:29:30Z")
Well, a few other less than optimally perfect Christmas gifts might be: Halloween Decorations lice an all-expenses paid trip to Iraq the gift of loneliness an intact litter of almost-cats-now kittens, all 13 of them a plastic grocery bag containing about 200 more grocery bags already-used staples toothpicks cockroach frass in a decorative box nothing whatsoever ---
**Author:** ![merrily](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@merrily](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/merrily)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/29 "2003-11-26T19:48:47Z")
A mezuzah? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/30 "2003-11-26T19:52:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bren\_Cameron \* > \*\*No, no, **Gary** , a new mop. That’ll make her happy. > > \*\* Hey! I got my wifey a mop for Christmas _last_ year! This year I’m gettin’ her a handle for it. She’ll be _so_ pleased… ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/31 "2003-11-26T20:34:06Z")
I saw a commercial the other day (I think it was for Best Buy) where a guy bought his wife a huge present and when she opened it and saw that it was a treadmill, she turns around with her hands on her hips and asks, “Oh, so now you think I’m _fat_?” “Uh, no honey…um…I…uh…” Any kind of cardio equipment for the wife has got the be the Best. Present. Ever. ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/32 "2003-11-26T20:54:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by niblet\_head \* > \*\*Someone please tell my mother that a country applique sweatshirt is _never_ the perfect gift. > > Not for the girl who smokes and wears all black. > > And then because I felt guilty and couldn’t throw it out or give it away, it moved with me six times. > > Ah, resentment. The gift that keeps on giving. \*\* But what about a _holiday-themed_ applique sweatshirt? Huh? Maybe some beads sewnon the felt Christmas tree as ornaments…or how about a sweater with an intarsia bow? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/33 "2003-11-26T20:59:28Z")
A sweatshirt with a wolf theme on it that’s one size too small and reeks faintly of B.O. ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Nickel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/34 "2003-11-26T21:42:00Z")
See, that’s just it. You guys _making up_ fictitious bad Christmas gifts simply can’t compete with reality. Back at Halloween, I got, through the magic of “order one thing and automatically sign up for every catalog ever printed, anywhere, ever” technology, a catalog called, appropriately enough, _Things You Never Knew Existed_. In it, amongst the (presumably artifical) severed heads in jars, and motorized remote-controlled desktop-mounted fists that, when activated, flip passersby the bird, was- I kid you not- _Dog Poop Christmas Tree Ornaments._ (Again, presumably artificial.) Dog poop tree ornaments. Really. As far as “prefect” gifts go, I can see Jeff Foxworthy’s second cousin’s grandmother, the one who had to move the transmission out of the bathtub so she could wash her _good_ tube top for cousins Bubba and Earmaline’s wedding out front of the double-wide, next to the rusting hulk of the Dodge Dart, looking at those ornaments and going “Now _that’s_ tacky.” ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/35 "2003-11-26T21:56:03Z")
I don’t think a football is a very good present. ---
**Author:** ![MC\_Master\_of\_Ceremonies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bb73d2/32.png) [@MC\_Master\_of\_Ceremonies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MC_Master_of_Ceremonies)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/36 "2003-11-26T21:59:49Z")
venereal diease as a Christams present is a faux pas. ---
**Author:** ![Intaglio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/71e660/32.png) [@Intaglio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intaglio)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/37 "2003-11-26T22:04:40Z")
Herpes is a good Christmas Present, is it not? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/38 "2003-11-26T22:30:12Z")
Sausage links that have been cooked in the microwave for two and a half hours are not the perfect holiday gift. Even if you put a nice bow on them. But coffee, yeah. Not Dunin’ Donuts coffee. **Good** coffee, like maybe a pound of Kona. ---
**Author:** ![luluBahrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e5b9ba/32.png) [@luluBahrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luluBahrain)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/39 "2003-11-26T22:41:17Z")
Ten pounds of used toilet paper is not the perfect Christmas gift. ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2003, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340/40 "2003-11-26T22:56:50Z")
A three night stay at Neverland for the nieces and nephews? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-anything-_not_-the-perfect-christmas-gift/215340.md?page=3)