# Is Asking for Child Support Always the Best Thing To Do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 14, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172 "2010-12-14T22:49:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/21 "2010-12-15T02:47:12Z")
> [@Sateryn76](#): > > Honest question - why does he “deserve” to see them? Because he contributed half of their DNA, without which they would not exist. Visitation rights should not be obstructed by an inability to pay child support. If he is abusing the children or the mother, then that is something that should impact visitation. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/22 "2010-12-15T03:32:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It is a legal obligation to the child, regardless of what the mother wants. A mother who does not pursue child support is obstructing the rights of her child. A mother should always advocate for the rights of her child and the state should always enforce the fathers’ obligations. I agree with this. Unless you are independently wealthy and can provide for the child 100%, then Dad needs to pony up the dough, regardless of how either of you feel about it. The law is concerned with the welfare of the child, not the feelings of the parents. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/23 "2010-12-15T03:38:37Z")
> [@alphaboi867](#): > > What about legal paternity? Does a child support order automatically mean the biological father is listed on the birth certificate? What? ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/24 "2010-12-15T04:04:46Z")
> [@spooje](#): > > Unless you are independently wealthy and can provide for the child 100%, then Dad needs to pony up the dough, regardless of how either of you feel about it. The law is concerned with the welfare of the child, not the feelings of the parents. Lots of people who aren’t independently wealthy provide adequately for children. 100% , even. As for the welfare of my child and my ethical obligation to provide for such, you’ll forgive me (or not, I don’t really give a shit) for substituting my own judgement for that of yours and Dio’s. I presume neither of you would like my input on how you raise your children. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/25 "2010-12-15T04:08:21Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It is never an ethical choice obstruct the rights of the child. Many people would consider the right of the child to grow up without knowing one of their own parents hated them and wished for their death (or had openly said the only reason they did not kill said child was because they the parent did not want to go to prison) to be of greater importance than right than punishing another adult for having sex. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/26 "2010-12-15T04:10:50Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Many people would consider the right of the child to grow up without knowing one of their own parents hated them and wished for their death (or had openly said the only reason they did not kill said child was because they the parent did not want to go to prison) to be of greater importance than right than punishing another adult for having sex. Well, that’s a little dramatic. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/27 "2010-12-15T04:26:28Z")
The fact is that protecting a child from an abusive parent is well-nigh impossible in most family courts. It will cost much more than you will ever get from child-support, and will never, ever, end. An abusive parent can drag you back to court at least once a year, and you have to be 100% on target each time or risk your child being handed over to an abuser every other weekend. If the bad parent is just bad, and doesn’t produce obvious physical trauma, then there will be no recourse, and you’ll be forced to submit to this negative influence spending time alone with your child. They might give your child alcohol, cigarettes, even pot. They might do any number of corrupting things, which if they did them to a neighbors child might get them arrested. It’s not even an eye-blink in a visitation case. It is an unending nightmare, and it really is best in the case of a bad parent to simply let them slide into the background if they so desire. The family justice system does not work the way you might expect it to; in fact it’s pretty horrifying. I read one case where a man was criminally convicted of sexually abusing his children, and the Mother was forced to drive them to the prison to visit him every other weekend. Rather than find out just how bad an obviously bad parent will be, the better part of valor is to marshall your resources, get prepared to take care of the child, and let the dead-beat loser with nothing to offer fade away. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/28 "2010-12-15T16:48:04Z")
I never asked for support from my ex (I’m a dude and had custody for 10 years.) The ex was terrible with money and I didn’t want the hassle of trying to get the money out of her. Of course now that the situation has changed and my 16-yo child lives with my ex, she took me to court to get support. Yet another reason she’s my ex. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/29 "2010-12-15T18:21:59Z")
My wife never got a single penny from her first husband (father of her first child) even though he was ordered to pay as part of the divorce settlement. What the order did do for us was prevent a lot of situations where he was tying to get money out of us. He felt he should be reimbursed for expenses when he took the kid on weekends, or especially in the summer, is just one example. I think when you live off the state it is hard to imagine that money comes from anywhere else. The fact that he owed her and the kid huge sums of back support kind of limited his “poor me” claims somewhat and certainly prevented legal action to get money from us. So I think it is worth getting a judgement even if you don’t intended fully force the money issue. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/30 "2010-12-15T18:25:53Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Wait, can I get some clarification? Do you mean that if Mom is receiving food stamps, and then Mom gives birth, and then Mom does NOT pursue child support, that her own food stamps are then revoked? For the newly-pregnant woman in the other thread: _IF_ she is currently receiving food stamps, and she does not seek child support (she says she has no intention of seeking it) then her food stamps are revoked? I expect it varies by state. Without going into details, a friend who had remarried and then was abandoned by the second husband, was left high and dry. She had kids from her first marriage as well as her second. She was able to get food stamps but could not get cash assistance unless she went after her first husband for child support. She knew his financial situation and knew that it would be miserable to try to get money out of him, so she opted to manage without cash assistance. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/31 "2010-12-15T19:04:22Z")
When I was pregnant with Hallboy, his bio-dad spent the majority of time trying to talk me into getting an abortion, and when I wouldn’t he then got really weird and freaking thinking of all the ways he could weasle out of fatherhood at the expense of Hallboy. I decided early on that regardless of how much money I did or didn’t have to contribute towards the raising of Hallboy, there wasn’t enough money in the world that could compensate for the emotional and physical wellbeing of my kid. No way did I want money from some looney tune who would stop at nothing to escape fatherhood. I elected not to seek child support–no documenting Hallboy’s father in anything legal (including birth certificate), no filing for financial assistance from the state, nothing. Hallboy knows who his father is, and I’ve tried to tell him very matter of fact why he doesn’t have contact with him–and if Hallboy ever decides he wants to “find his father”, then I’ll support that decision. However, not seeking child support (and thereby severing the connection to a man on the edge of crazytown) was the most effective way to keep my kid safe. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/32 "2010-12-15T19:15:55Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Many people would consider the right of the child to grow up without knowing one of their own parents hated them and wished for their death (or had openly said the only reason they did not kill said child was because they the parent did not want to go to prison) to be of greater importance than right than punishing another adult for having sex. Does the mother really _know_ that her baby-daddy is an abusive potential murderer? Or is she just making that assumption because he didn’t sweep her off her feet & rush to the nearest preacher when she announced a contraception failure? If the “stress” caused by possible late child support payments might be too much for the poor chick, she probably can’t handle the stress of being a single mother. ETA: That’s a “yes” on asking for child support. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/33 "2010-12-15T19:41:36Z")
I think you’re missing the point (not ZPG’s point, but the point of opting out of any contact with the other parent, including financial), which is that the stress of being a single parent is wildly exacerbated by having a crappy unparent making your job harder. If the crappy parent is a millionaire, go nuts I guess, but if not… it’s not worth the aggravation. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/34 "2010-12-15T20:42:05Z")
> [@Sateryn76](#): > > So, is it just the idea that more money = more happiness? Because I don’t usually see that as the case. Welcome to America. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/35 "2010-12-15T21:36:20Z")
I never asked for support from my ex-husband and father of my oldest child. I knew it would be pointless and it always seemed like such a hassle with some of my friends with the non-custodial being late or not paying or fighting the amount. It just wasn’t worth it to me. And I’m right because 21 years later he’s serving time in prison in Nevada for refusing to pay child support for his other children. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/36 "2010-12-15T21:53:00Z")
[quote=“Bridget\_Burke, post:32, topic:564172”] Does the mother really _know_ that her baby-daddy is an abusive potential murderer? Or is she just making that assumption because he didn’t sweep her off her feet & rush to the nearest preacher when she announced a contraception failure?{/QUOTE] In some cases yes. In fact, I’ve known of way too many cases where men have said under oath in court that the only reason the woman trying to get child support from them and her offspring are alive is that they didn’t want to risk being imprisoned for murder and that they hoped the child died. One of my husband’s friends was told by his father at the age of fourteen that the only thing he (the friend) could do that would make his father happy would be “get killed so I (the father) don’t have to pay that bytch (the mother) another dime.” It’s harsh, but the man in question had always made it clear that he did not like children and did not want them. His ex-girlfriend brought it all on herself having a child under those circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/37 "2010-12-15T22:32:33Z")
[QUOTE=ZPG Zealot] His ex-girlfriend brought it all on herself having a child under those circumstances. [/QUOTE] 1. Nobody deserves to have death wished upon them. 2. It’s also his fault for putting his penis in a woman’s vagina. We’re adults, and we take that risk anytime we have sex. If he is THAT adamantly opposed to having children he has several options. Stay away from non-contraceptive sex by engaging instead in anal, oral, manual, masturbation, or abstention. Be with a woman who cannot have children. Be with a woman who he is confident will abort should pregnancy occur. Get a vasectomy. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/38 "2010-12-16T00:57:20Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Be with a woman who he is confident will abort should pregnancy occur. Get a vasectomy. Unfortunately, people (especially baby obsessed women and gold-diggers) can lie and vasectomies are not free. And a lot of people deserve death being wished on them especially a woman that would use a child to extort money from a man who never wanted to be a father. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/39 "2010-12-16T01:06:42Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Unfortunately, people (especially baby obsessed women and gold-diggers) can lie and vasectomies are not free… They can also be hard to get unless you’re over 30 and/or already have kids. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172/40 "2010-12-16T01:22:46Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Unfortunately, people (especially baby obsessed women and gold-diggers) can lie Too bad. That’s part of the risk. > [@](#): > > and vasectomies are not free They better be careful what they come in, then. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-asking-for-child-support-always-the-best-thing-to-do/564172.md?page=3)