# Is being an upfront & honest kept mistress/sugarbaby a perfectly valid & moral lifestyle choice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 4, 2016, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118 "2016-02-04T02:29:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/1 "2016-02-04T02:29:36Z")
Per the scenario posited in the spoiler boxed wall of text quoted below from another website where a self described sugarbaby is asking for advice; let’s say a well off married man seeks out and meets a young, attractive “sugarbaby” on a seeking arrangements type website that caters to these transactions. The young women is very upfront and explicit about what she wants, and how much it costs cash, gifts and lifestyle-wise for the “girlfriend experience”. Objectively, is what she doing a perfectly acceptable and moral lifestyle choice? Does she have any implied moral duty toward his wife and children not to become involved with him? > [@](#): > > Nik, I’m a 23 year old college graduate with a four-year degree. I planned on going to law school but it’s too expensive. During my 2nd year of college, I entered stripping. I’m young, blonde, and attractive…I made bank…But it wasn’t enough for me…I wanted to travel the world and live the life. I signed up for sugar daddy sites and I allowed myself to only see 4 guys per year, which is relatively conservative for a sugarbaby. I charge 1-2k per date but when I’m not busy with dates, I still strip. I met my now older boyfriend (he’s 45) one night at the club. He is the perfect gentleman and handsome but of course…He is married. At first, I really didn’t give a care because I’m okay with being a sugarbaby…But he wanted me to be completly committed to him and not cheat. I agreed… > > He tells me that him and his wife only stay together for the three school-aged kids but that he will divorce her and be with me after she gets a job so he won’t have to pay that fat bish alimony (she was a stay at home mom who lost herself). We’ve been together for almost a year and finally she has a job as a real estate assistant. He is a pilot captain so he had the perfect excuse to be away from her and be with me…Lately he has been staying at my apartment for weeks when he is not flying out for work…They have been arguing about getting a divorce and she has been taking mysterious amounts of money out of their joint bank account. I personally don’t care if they get divorce or stay together…I am enjoying our vacations and my gifts from him. He is now taking about selling his family home and getting a condo downtown for us….The situation is complicated and I don’t want to take care of his three kids (one of whom has autism) however, I do want to live with him rent free and still go on vacations with him. I want him to stay married but downgrade the family house for a smaller home for the kids and the woman and I want him to get a condo so I can live there. How do I make this happen? Does he think he’s going to be serious with me or do you think he knows the deal? He wants me to quit stripping and wants me to find another job as well. Sometimes he talks about him wanting one more kid…Which I would be okay with as long as I can get the child support check. He is a very kind gentleman but lately he has been creeping me out. For instance, he found out about the sugardaddy sites I was on and told me to close them, which I did. Also, he knows that I’ve been texting other guys…He accused me of going out on a date last week…Which I actually did…But how the hell would he have known that??? He has insinuated that he has hired someone and he tells me he is always watching…At first, I thought he was joking but he knows way too much information to be joking…I asked him how he knows things and he tells me “I don’t give away my secrets”. I’m not going to leave him. I enjoy the trips and the gifts so that is out of the question but how do I make him get off my back and trust me so we can be happy? I am on birth control and use protection so I make sure I am safe. This isn’t a troll post either. I’ve posted on advice boards before and they all say I’m a troll but I’m 100% seriously. I know I’m going to get bad karma but I’m young and selfish. Sorry but not sorry! ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/2 "2016-02-04T02:49:06Z")
Hey guys, are you sick of being trolled by our trolls? Check out this totally not-trolling post from someone who definitely isn’t a troll from this other website! ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/3 "2016-02-04T03:29:22Z")
Depends on one’s definition of valid and moral. In the U.S. (and probably Canada; they’re such nice people) I’d say definitely not moral. Not sure what valid means in this case. I mean, not to be pedantic, but if it’s happening, it’s valid. IMO, it’s not something I’d want for myself or any hypothetical daughter of mine, but, we each set our own moral compass so if the parties involved are ok with it, then it falls in line with their personal idea of moral. Isn’t it a widely held (and possibly false, I honestly don’t know) notion that in some of the European cultures it’s common for men to have mistresses and the wives know but " hey, that’s just the way it is"? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/4 "2016-02-04T03:34:15Z")
Would I have to end every sentence with two or three periods, and no spaces?I don’t think I could do that…oh, crap… ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/5 "2016-02-04T03:54:13Z")
She’s essentially a prostitute, so apply whatever judgment you would apply to that. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/6 "2016-02-04T04:06:53Z")
We just had one of these trolls of our very own. Why do you want to import another? I knew two young women who used their looks to better their lifestyles. One was out-and-out pathetic (he dumped his wife when she got older and plumper. How dare he dump me when I got older and plumper?). She actually went seriously downhill. The other ended up marrying a guy who did the same thing. I never saw the attraction of the twit, but enough women did to keep him busy. It’s sleazy and pathetic. But always good for rilin’ up IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/7 "2016-02-04T04:07:32Z")
Generally speaking, I think that being a sugarbaby is a perfectly valid choice, but the specific example you gave in your spoiler is wrong in all sorts of ways. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/8 "2016-02-04T05:01:02Z")
Taking the post at face value, it doesn’t seem upfront and honest if his wife doesn’t know, and he shouldn’t be skimping on his kids for $1000 dates, particularly his autistic son’s care. These are his choices first and foremost, of course, but she is aiding and abetting. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/9 "2016-02-04T15:45:59Z")
That may be the longest and most complex spoiler I’ve ever read here. I accept “kept” as a life choice but have issues with the situation described in how it relates to the family. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/10 "2016-02-04T15:55:33Z")
If a situation is not ( economically) sustainable, and this one isn’t ( no way he can pay for both households, even on a pilot’s salary) then it will end in heartbreak, sooner of later. Heartbreak for family and the guy. Not for the sugarbaby, because she sounds utterly heartless. So, because it will end in heartbreak sooner then later, this lifestyle choice is neither valid nor moral. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/11 "2016-02-04T16:56:48Z")
It’s a job with not much future. She will lose her looks and he will find a new sugarbaby. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/12 "2016-02-04T17:01:54Z")
I don’t really care what two consenting adults do. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2016, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-being-an-upfront-honest-kept-mistress-sugarbaby-a-perfectly-valid-moral-lifestyle-choice/745118/13 "2016-02-04T17:48:22Z")
I don’t care what **three** consenting adults do. I am skeptical as to whether or not the wife consents to this arrangement.