# Is having an extra-marital relationship while separated ethically akin to an affair while together? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 17, 2009, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030 "2009-06-17T04:07:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/21 "2009-06-17T16:38:50Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think it depends on the understanding between the couple. [QUOTE=dangermom] If you’re married, you’re married. You want to sleep with someone else, get a divorce. Separated is still married. [/QUOTE] Which shall it be? Do WE get to decide what their marriage means or do THEY get to decide? Sadly, in many cases it’s up to us. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/22 "2009-06-17T16:49:19Z")
I think it depends on the couple. In Spain separation is often a permanent state, not a step towards divorce but “we love each other, yet we can’t stand each other for too long.” I know separated couples who reckon that includes “seeing” (and more than seeing) other people, I know others who don’t. Whatever rocks _their_ boat, so long as everybody is adult and on the same page. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/23 "2009-06-17T16:56:58Z")
> [@sunacres](#): > > Which shall it be? Do WE get to decide what their marriage means or do THEY get to decide? Sadly, in many cases it’s up to us. The question asked whether we agreed or not with the idea that > [@](#): > > relations that people pursue while separated are in a gray “working out the next step” zone, and aren’t really ethically comparable to having an affair while married in terms of breach of trust or breaking vows. I gave my opinion on what a marriage contract means, which is that you shouldn’t break the terms of the contract until said contract is officially terminated. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/24 "2009-06-17T17:03:58Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > …and he should probably just tell everybody it’s his own personal business and they can fuck off. Everybody should do this. But apparently cheating on your wife is worse for the country than starting a war. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/25 "2009-06-17T17:07:45Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Not that easy. In some states a period of separation is required by law before a couple can legally divorce. 90-day required period between filing notice of separation and finalizing a divorce in Colorado. I dated during my now ex-wife’s an my separation period. In my case it was a matter of “waiting on the laws” rather than “working things out”. The emotional & spiritual marriage was over before anybody filed any paperwork. I don’t feel I was “cheating” or otherwise breaking my marriage vows. The answer, therefore, is “it depends”. I guess, given what I’ve read above, I don’t think it was unethical for him to have the “affair” while divorced. In fact, calling it an affair is the wrong terminology - maybe it should just be “dating”. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/26 "2009-06-17T17:11:40Z")
> [@astro](#): > > [This Senator](http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0609/23813.html)is falling all over himself apologizing for having an affair while he was separated from his wife, with whom he later reconciled. .IMO relations that people pursue while separated are in a gray “working out the next step” zone, and aren’t really ethically comparable to having an affair while married in terms of breach of trust or breaking vows. > > Do you agree or disagree? Unless the spouses have agreed that extramarital sexual relationships are a-okay, it’s cheating. ---
**Author:** ![holmes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e95f7d/32.png) [@holmes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/holmes)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/27 "2009-06-17T17:21:40Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Seriously. I only learned this myself a year or two ago. The State still does regulate your marriage in some places. Too true. New York has a one year wait before you can file, unless you want to cite a ‘cause’ and during this time you must live in a separate place. So while you are legally married, it’s just a piece of paper now. The emotional vows have already been divided. Sometimes it’s just not that simple as, “just get a divorce” and have it done in a month. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/28 "2009-06-17T17:24:04Z")
No, it’s perfectly fine. ---
**Author:** ![Arglefraster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Arglefraster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arglefraster)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/29 "2009-06-17T17:52:01Z")
I think that even if they agreed to not sleep with other people during their seperation, it’s not as unethical as having an affair while together. Definitely wrong, just not quite as bad. If my husband and I were seperated, and for one reason or another we agreed to not sleep with anyone else, and he did anyway, I would be angry. We had made an agreement, and he had broken it. I would also be hurt because I would think maybe he wasn’t as commited to trying to work things out as I had thought. But I don’t think I would feel betrayed as such. If we’re seperated, even if we’re trying to work things out, we’re obviously not currently happy with the relationship. And if the seperation had been going on for a while, maybe he just got very lonely. I think that mitigates things somewhat. If my husband had an affair while were still together (and agreed to be monogamous), and I thought everything was fine, I would feel heartbroken and betrayed. At this point, not only did he violate an agreement we had made, but he would have to repeatedly lie to me to continue the affair without me knowing. Also the fact that he’s willing to risk our (presumably happy) relationship to sleep with someone else would be very hurtful. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/30 "2009-06-17T18:45:14Z")
> [@holmes](#): > > Too true. New York has a one year wait before you can file, unless you want to cite a ‘cause’ and during this time you must live in a separate place. > > So while you are legally married, it’s just a piece of paper now. The emotional vows have already been divided. > > Sometimes it’s just not that simple as, “just get a divorce” and have it done in a month. I did not know New York had this archaic system too. And here I thought I lived in one of the more modern states. This is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/31 "2009-06-17T19:02:37Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > I always sided with Ross Geller on this. My first thought 🙂 The guy had an affair with a married person (strike 1) who was also worked for him (sort of - strike 2 anyway) while he was sort of seperated from his wife (strike 2.5). His is not a moral code that I adhere to and so, I would not vote for him. The only question I have left is whether this happened in Vegas? He is from Nevada and they may do things differently there. If I’m not mistaken, he and his wife could have gotten a divorce rather quickly there if they had meant to. ---
**Author:** ![Carl\_Corey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Carl\_Corey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carl_Corey)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/32 "2009-06-17T19:03:39Z")
Pennsylvania requires that you be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Fugazi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f08c70/32.png) [@Fugazi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fugazi)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/33 "2009-06-17T20:11:11Z")
There are other reasons to stay married too. I’m separated with zero intention of ever getting back together. If we divorced, she would lose her health insurance. Right now, I’m not dating anyone so keeping her insured outweighs any benefit from getting divorced. If I do meet someone, then my priorities will have to change. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/34 "2009-06-17T21:24:54Z")
As long as both husband and wife KNOW they are separated, do as healthy adults must do. The reason you are separated in the first place is you don’t want to live with that person any more. If one spouse feels that they are emotionally still connected to the other spouse, they need to talk and either reconcile or not. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/35 "2009-06-17T21:57:17Z")
If you feel the need to keep it a secret from the spouse, it’s almost certainly unethical. If the spouses have agreed that the marriage is over and they’re just fulfilling a legal waiting period, I don’t think it’s unethical. I personally wouldn’t consider a guy available until the divorce was final, but my reasons would be pragmatic, not ethical. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/36 "2009-06-17T21:57:35Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I did not know New York had this archaic system too. And here I thought I lived in one of the more modern states. This is ridiculous. I would suspect there’s a strong Catholic presence in New York. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/37 "2009-06-17T22:14:29Z")
> [@Cyn](#): > > As long as both husband and wife KNOW they are separated, do as healthy adults must do. > The reason you are separated in the first place is you don’t want to live with that person any more. If one spouse feels that they are emotionally still connected to the other spouse, they need to talk and either reconcile or not. Sometimes you are separated because you don’t know if you want to live with each other or not. Some people do not make snap decisions, or if they do, they do not make good ones and they are prone to regret. Why should they hurry? What’s wrong with a gray status for a few months so that both people can make a choice they are confident with? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/38 "2009-06-17T22:21:32Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Sometimes you are separated because you don’t know if you want to live with each other or not. > > Some people do not make snap decisions, or if they do, they do not make good ones and they are prone to regret. Why should they hurry? What’s wrong with a gray status for a few months so that both people can make a choice they are confident with? Nothing’s wrong with a _voluntary_ waiting period, but what’s the value of a mandatory waiting period other than some legislator using it as a tick-mark for promoting “family values”. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/39 "2009-06-17T23:14:23Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > Nothing’s wrong with a _voluntary_ waiting period, but what’s the value of a mandatory waiting period other than some legislator using it as a tick-mark for promoting “family values”. I don’t disagree, though you could perhaps make a case that a whirlwind divorce is most likely to hurt the most vunerable person in a marriage–the one with fewer resources in terms of hiring a lawyer and getting advice. But my point was that **Cyn** seemed to be saying “Be married or don’t”, but I think it’s ok for people to take time to figure these things out, and that’s ok. People are complicated. It’s just they need to be honest while they are doing so. What I would find in very poor taste is someone separated who is pursuing a relationship while concealing it from their spouse so that they still have a fall back. ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030/40 "2009-06-17T23:55:37Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > If you feel the need to keep it a secret from the spouse, it’s almost certainly unethical. If the spouses have agreed that the marriage is over and they’re just fulfilling a legal waiting period, I don’t think it’s unethical. > > I personally wouldn’t consider a guy available until the divorce was final, but my reasons would be pragmatic, not ethical. I agree, and avoid married men whether they’re separated or not. I’ve seen too many of my friends hook up with “practically divorced” men who’s wives had no idea that their husband considered themselves single. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-having-an-extra-marital-relationship-while-separated-ethically-akin-to-an-affair-while-together/500030.md?page=3)