I was asked once by the Japanese wife of a friend who had just died on my so many of his friends were apologizing. Further clarification showed that the message “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss” was being taken literally.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. The literal words are a way of saying that you feel bad that the person feels that way, but the actual use is that you are not apologetic about what you are saying.
I’ve used it with staff after discussing an issue for the upteenth time, and I’m laying down the line. “I’m sorry that you feel it’s unfair, but this is the way it is and this is how we expect all of the employees to act.”
Remember that your boss was probably as tired as you were. Say you were sorry that it came out wrong. He should understand.
Do you disagree? Telling someone “I’m sorry you feel that way” offers up zero ownership or responsibility that your actions may at all have contributed to making them feel that way.
Both the phrases “I’m sorry you felt that way,” and “quit being so sensitive” take all blame from you and put it on the other person. What they tell the other person is that you are not really sorry at all, and in fact the blame lies with them, not you.
If you are truly sorry, I would suggest you say something like “Looking back at what I said, I can certainly see why you took it that way. I assure you that was not what I meant, and I am sorry I caused you to feel that way by wording my remark so clumsily.”
It’s been said many times already, and I’ll just agree with most everyone else here - this was your fault, not your boss’, and you should own up to it - “I didn’t mean what I said to come out the way it did, and I apologize. Can I buy you a beer tonight?”
{OP here}
Thank you for the interesting replies and feedback, everyone.
The first part here made me chuckle, but the last part seems almost too simple, in one of those “well shit, why did I never think of that” ways.
and I think in the specific instance that I had come up, Baron Greenback’s “sorry man, I was tired and grumpy, shouldn’t have said that to you” ended up being the perfect bow on this. After everyone had the chance to take a couple of days off, spend some time with families, and “regroup”, this pretty much ended up being all that needed to be said.
Still interesting to read the opinions that you all have of the infamous “I’m sorry you felt that way” thing though.
Right. At the very best (and it’s a stretch), it’s showing sympathy, not apologizing. Few people would take it that way, and for good reason.
A serious apology is all about taking responsibility, not shifting it.
How about the case where you feel you were not only justified in saying what you did, but you might need to say something like that again, and the reaction was not the one you intended? That often leads to “I’m sorry you …”, which isn’t very helpful. Instead, the right approach is to take responsibility for effective communication, by discussing it with the other person. Of course, we wouldn’t bother with this on a trivial matter, we’d just apologize like the winning ticket above. But for an important or recurring issue, the root cause needs to be discussed. Furthermore, it’s not terribly productive to put the onus on the other person. Instead, find out how you can say what needs to be said without causing the unintended reaction. It’s not easy, but it’s worthwhile.
Bingo: it’s really all about taking responsibility.
