You know, I had always wondered about the rich family angle. I don’t know any people who are rich on the scale of (for example) Bill Gates, so I wouldn’t be giving him $20 anyway. I do have a friend whose mother passed recently, and their family is quite well off. This is a very close friend, and I was helping open and track the sympathy cards. Many, many people sent money ($20 and up), and I think in communities where people tend to send money, it doesn’t exactly matter how rich the family is … it’s more like a traditional gesture (that was very appreciated by the family, and it was donated to the charity of their choice).
I have both sent and received thank you notes in acknowledgment of (sympathy cards, food, donations, etc) – I thought this was fairly common, but then again, I also thought the money thing was nearly universal so what do I know? A lot of families will send a notecard with something like “from the family of (name of person)” printed on the outside, and then a personal-but-brief note on the inside.
I’d love to see a map of how the money gift tradition breaks down. I’m fairly sure it’s common in the northeast and Great Lakes regions, especially among Catholics.
Every single funeral I’ve ever been to with my family, we’ve given a card with money. In fact, all of the funeral homes have had boxes with slots at the top for putting cards in - cards, with money. This is in Ohio.
I thought this was a normal practice until I went to a funeral in Georgia on my own. No box - just me wandering around in a dress holding my stupid card. I had to hand it to the brother of the deceased. (Note - I was also surprised to find that everyone brings gifts to weddings in Georgia too, while people in Cleveland bring cards with money)
I went to one funeral of a man who was quite well-to-do (in Cleveland) and we gave money there as well. I don’t think we (in our family) think of it as a need-based thing but more like tradition. Everyone pitches in to help the family of the deceased.
But…I’ve never heard of sending money with a card when not attending the funeral. I don’t see how anyone would be offended, though.
The funeral homes here give the family thank you for your support or such worded cards for sending after the funeral as part of the service. I wouldn’t write here’s moneyfor what you need in a card. You should only write something if needed, saying here’s money for the memorial fund or whatever. It makes it sound like the receiver is a loser when you say here’s money for what you need.
Giving money in a card at a funeral is not usually done here in Tennessee. The only time I have done it was when a friend’s husband died suddenly in an accident and I knew they had no money for a funeral. Well, and when somebody’s child has died, nobody is prepared for that funeral expense. Those usually have a bank account set up or I give it directly to the funeral home and fill out a donation card for the family to receive.
For my friend, I just gave her the card and cash directly and told her I knew she would be needing cash for little expenses. Among other things, she had to go buy appropriate clothes for her five children to wear at the funeral home and funeral service.
I’ve found that the answer to this question varies according to how old the person you ask is. Back in the day before it was commonplace to have life insurance, and before women worked outside the home, it was almost expected. Nowadays, not so much. The funeral home will usually have a slotted box for people to drop envelopes for the family into. My SIL who is in her 60s and rather old-school, was surprised that there weren’t more monetary donations to the family at a recent funeral (can’t remember which one…there’ve been so many). I don’t believe I’ve ever given money to the family, as I don’t know of any who needed it.
When our nephew was killed in an accident, my SIL set up a trust fund at a local bank for his young children. We didn’t give money because the children’s mother received a shitload of money from the insurance company (he was killed on the job, driving from one building to another).
This must be a regional thing - like the concept of “covering your plate” at a wedding reception.
I’m from the south & don’t recall this tradition; my dad died in 2003 (Florida by way of NC) and I don’t recall any money in cards. Ditto up here in the NE.
If someone in a friend’s family died, and I knew the friend was strapped for $$$, then yes, as a friend, I would probably do this.
I don’t think it’s the norm, but from what I’ve seen and heard it is done more and more. I think people are a little more practical these days. In the case of my father, my mother should have requested donations be made to—. She said no flowers so people probably felt they should do something.
My cousin recently died unexpectantly and he was in his 30’s. He had a small policy that didn’t even cover the funeral. His brother and sisters had to come up with money to cover the funeral and expenses. Because she was a relative I flat out asked his sister what she’d prefer and she said money. No problem.
It makes sense. The average funeral is around $7,000 and I read somewhere that what the average survivor gets in life insurance lasts about a year. From a practical standpoint I’d much rather receive cash than I would huge flower arrangements that are being thrown on top of a dirt hole. Funerals are no longer the two or three day affairs they once were. Sometimes now the viewing and burial are held on the same day. It seems a waste to spend money on something that lasts a few hours and the relatives don’t even see.
My father’s funeral cost even more than that, and my mother was talked into buying some top of the line fancy casket – and then he was cremated. Something like $4500 for a box for him to lie in for a few hours during visitation, and then it wall just burned. (Or was it? Do they take the bodies out of the caskets for cremation? Do I really want to know?)
Anyway, there and then hubby and I decided we would have our bodies taken directly from the hospital to cremation in the temporary cardboard boxes they offer, and then we would have one of those ‘celebrations of XXXs life’ things instead of a funeral.
We just aren’t the extravagent celebration types. We’ve told each other to take the money that would have gone to funeral/burying costs, wait a few months for decency sake, then spend it on nice get away.
On topic: I’ve never heard of sending money to the family of the deceased. Donations to Charity X in their name in lieu of flowers, but not money to the survivors.
The only exception would be helping close relatives with the costs if they needed it.
Well, now, that may be your opinion, but I believe we have established that it’s a regional thing. Where I grew up, in rural Michigan with a predominately German/Polish population, it is not a poor gift, it’s customary.
I don’t know - when a friend’s mother died recently, I found that my words weren’t going to help him out of the bind of trying to pay for the funeral and her leftover medical bills. Money worked, though. It’s hard enough to lose a loved one, I didn’t want him to worry about losing his car, as well.
I can’t see how it could possibly be a bad thing. It might, however, be an unnecessary thing.
When my best friend died in a car accident some years ago, our thoughts ran more to the practical: picking his kids up from school so his wife wouldn’t have to worry about it, buying a huge package of toilet paper because her house was going to be full of family, fixing the broken fence that he hadn’t had a chance to fix. While his wife would have appreciated cash, she didn’t need it. His life insurance paid for the funeral, paid off the house, and provided her with the equivalent of two years’ income.
A funny story: We took over the toilet paper and a couple boxes of kleenex right away. As the day wore on and more people arrived, FOUR more brought toilet paper. His wife was actually laughing about it as this huge stack accumulated.
I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of giving money at a funeral. My best friend just lost her father this very morning and I’ll be attending the funeral, sending flowers, and writing sympathy cards. I won’t be sending money. Not because they weren’t worth it but because you can’t place a value on a human being.
I’m sure the intentions are honorable here, but giving money at a funeral just seems incredibly demeaning and undignified to me.
I haven’t looked at funeral items for a number of years, so the cost has gone up. You have to burry the casket in a cement valt around here. The cheapest valt was $2000 a better one $3000 and a super dupper can support a tank whithout colapsing ran $5000.
Sometimes the family will request that mourners donate to a specified charity in lieu of sending flowers along to the funeral, but I think that giving the money to the family directly is a thoroughly splendid idea.
If they don’t need the dosh, they can pass it on to the nominated charity themselves. If they DO need it, then you have probably allayed many sleepless nights as they worry themselves sick over how the hell they are going to pay for the funeral and all the trimmings.
Next funeral I go to, I’m going to bung in some money. AND tell all my friends/family about the new custom they are going to become accustomed to.
