# Is it "cheating" to sleep with someone else while "on a break" from a relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [February 24, 2012, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822 "2012-02-24T09:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FixMyIgnorance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7feea3/32.png) [@FixMyIgnorance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FixMyIgnorance)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/21 "2012-02-24T15:28:28Z")
“We were on a break!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/22 "2012-02-24T16:08:18Z")
I think the problem with this plot device is there is no time in a sitcom to show actual adults discussing the terms of the agreements they make with each other. IMO, the definition of cheating is when one party steps out on the other after a mutual agreement to monogamy. If there was no specific agreement, there is no commitment to monogamy; therefore, polyamory is on the table by default. If someone came at me with this “let’s take a break” crap, I’d have to ask them to define the terms. Does that mean we still hang out but no sex? Does that mean we’re both free to have sex with other people? Is there a time limit by which you’d like to regroup, talk it over, and decide if it’s over or you’re just going to extend the “break” pending further investigation? I have my own ideas about what that phrase means, but I wouldn’t hold someone else accountable for not living up to my definition. Unless it had been discussed, and a definition was mutually agreed upon, in which case we’ve got a trust/lying issue, not one of fidelity. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/23 "2012-02-24T16:25:26Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > If someone came at me with this “let’s take a break” crap, I’d have to ask them to define the terms. This. Seriously, how difficult is it to actually discuss things like big kids? (That was rhetorical. Please, don’t answer.) ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/24 "2012-02-24T17:15:37Z")
Definitely NOT cheating, but as others have said, not the smartest move if you’re serious about getting back together. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/25 "2012-02-24T17:21:56Z")
If you can’t keep it in your pants for the duration of a “break” you have no business being in a serious relationship in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/26 "2012-02-24T17:26:01Z")
> [@Krokodil](#): > > “On a break” may not mean the same thing to both parties. Rachel thought it just meant “not actively seeing each other right now” and Ross thought it meant “available to see other people.” See, to me the second one is obviously implied in the first. If we are on break we are not seeing each other, if we are not seeing each other then i am single, if i am single then i can see other people. Now, i am arguing from the position of whether Ross did anything wrong and the answer is clearly no, but if we are arguing whether he did anything stupid then yes because he clearly still wanted Rachel. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/27 "2012-02-24T17:36:20Z")
> [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](#): > > To me “on a break” means a termination of the dating contract, including the non-compete clause. Don’t expect me to be celibate while you ponder if and when we might get back together again. It could be two weeks or it could be six months. And if we end up getting back together, a new contract will need to be written because there was obviously something wrong with the old one. This. I’m female. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/28 "2012-02-24T17:38:55Z")
Frankly Jasmine sounds like a bitch that he’s much better off without. Having someone’s kid and then not telling them for five years is a huge red flag. Add in controlling and violent… Well, I’d turn a “break” into a “broke” pretty damn fast. The real-world parallels are, surprise, surprise, communication issues. If you don’t outline the terms of a separation, how is someone supposed to abide by them? If you assume that “a break” means something but don’t confirm it with the other party, then it’s irrational to hold that against them later. I didn’t say uncommon, but irrational nonetheless. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![erislover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71e660/32.png) [@erislover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erislover)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/29 "2012-02-24T17:40:04Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > If you can’t keep it in your pants for the duration of a “break” you have no business being in a serious relationship in the first place. But the point of the break is to not be in the relationship. If you’re still in the relationship, it wasn’t a break. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/30 "2012-02-24T17:40:52Z")
A ‘break’ breaks the relationship. You don’t get to unilaterally declare “We’ll forego all obligations to each other except for sexual fidelity”. For one thing it would usually mean “You can’t have sex with anyone else before I do”. ETA: As\*\* DigitalC \*\*says, Ross was stupid, but not wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/31 "2012-02-24T17:41:41Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > If you can’t keep it in your pants for the duration of a “break” you have no business being in a serious relationship in the first place. What if the break is six months long? ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/32 "2012-02-24T17:52:47Z")
I have a hard time imagining being in a relationship with someone who declares, 'We’re on a break!" What the heck does that even mean? Thing is though, since I don’t know what that even means, I’d have to ask the person what it means. Like are we broken up now? Is it that you’re sick of my shit and you don’t want to have to look at me for a while? And maybe if I grow the fuck up, you’ll take me back, and this is like an last ditch ultimatum? “We’re on a break” is stupid because it is a deliberately ambigous relationship status. It’s supposed to mean that we’re sort of broken up but not broken up without defining what that means, and that’s the whole point, so that you can sort everything out over the days/weeks/months. That said, if your girlfriend/fiancee/wife kicks you out of the house after a screaming fight, and you go off and sleep with some other person right away, then they’d be an idiot to take you back, and you’d be an idiot to want to go back. She should realize that you don’t want a monogamous relationship, and you should realize that you don’t want a monogamous relationship. So to go crawling back and begging for her to take you back is kind of stupid. You showed her and yourself that you’re just not that into her. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/33 "2012-02-24T17:53:16Z")
Well a break can mean a breakUP or it could just mean a lunch break, in other words a time out to cool off. Or it could be that weird situation of trial separation which is where the rules really need to be defined. So the issue isn’t cheating, it’s just communicating. But chances are if the couple are communicating well, they wouldn’t be getting into these situations. That said, while I understand the desire for a post break up pity party consisting of drunken hook up, it’s probably smarter and also more respectful to throw in a grace period. It’s not cheating if your wife is dead, but it is a bit tasteless to hook up at her funeral. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/34 "2012-02-24T17:56:12Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > She should realize that you don’t want a monogamous relationship, and you should realize that you don’t want a monogamous relationship Or you want a Monogamy Plus relationship… monogamy plus occasional cheating. Judging by the way Americans do it, that seems to be a popular option. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/35 "2012-02-24T18:14:13Z")
I have a hard time with the implication of we are not going to date but you are expected to be celebate until I make up my mind. If you are taking the break, then there are no unilateral decisions made other than not going out together. Of course there may be a separation with the agreement not to date other people for a certain time, but that is bilateral. ---
**Author:** ![Kearsen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kearsen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kearsen)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/36 "2012-02-24T18:22:12Z")
As a guy, I have never been able to “take a break” and get back into a relationship, ever. So, to me, taking a break (even if it led to a rekindling later) would mean that the agreement in place was broken and I would feel free to do whatever I wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/37 "2012-02-24T18:31:51Z")
This raises the interesting question of whether fucking somebody else because you’re pissed off at your partner counts as makeup sex. ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/38 "2012-02-24T18:32:17Z")
The understanding should be explicit, anything that betrays that understanding is cheating. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/39 "2012-02-24T18:34:19Z")
“On a break” means whatever the people involved say it means and if they don’t know what the other person means, that’s on them for not finding out. If they agree it’s cheating, it’s cheating. If they agree it’s not, it’s not. If they don’t agree one way or the other, that’s their problem to figure out. I have never been “on a break” and I see no appeal whatsoever to it. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822/40 "2012-02-24T18:38:57Z")
You’re either exclusively dating someone, or you’re not. If you want a “break” from the relationship, you’d better be prepared for the other party to fulfill their physical and emotional needs from someone else while you’re unwilling to do so. The most selfish thing anyone could do in a relationship is to ask to take a break. If you don’t want the relationship and everything that comes with it, taking a break is just denying the other person the right to seek the kind of relationship they want. I would never ask someone to do that for me, and I would never tolerate someone asking it from me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-cheating-to-sleep-with-someone-else-while-on-a-break-from-a-relationship/613822.md?page=3)