# Is it fair to ask the wife to quit smoking in the house? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 14, 2008, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746 "2008-11-14T18:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mariemarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/58f4c7/32.png) [@Mariemarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariemarie)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/41 "2008-11-15T05:39:34Z")
Yes do ask her to step outside to smoke. Remind her she be getting so much more fresh air if she smokes outside. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/42 "2008-11-15T06:52:01Z")
Be really nice about it when you ask her. Tell her exactly what bothers you. It does seem reasonable to designate one room where she can go to smoke. All of this happened in our house. Zeldar quit smoking first and couldn’t stand it around him. I had a room to smoke in or I could go outside or in the car. A few times he gave in and allowed me to sit in the doorway and blow smoke outside while I watched a TV show, but that wasn’t often. He was very reasonable. When I decided to quit smoking, I was glad that the entire house didn’t smell of cigarettes! I wish you luck! You know, you can always walk out of the room while she’s smoking. She might get tired of that. (I know you would!) ---
**Author:** ![Bootis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e8c25b/32.png) [@Bootis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bootis)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/43 "2008-11-15T07:29:00Z")
> [@Omegaman](#): > > If she must smoke in a room mount an exhaust fan where she smokes. If it’s not by an external wall it is going to have to be. Won’t make a lot of difference in any case but the alternatives are useless. I was going to say I’m surprised no one has mentioned a fan. not those little dual plastic onces, a nice big square metal box fan put snug into an open window. I have to disagree that it wont make a lot of difference. 99% of the smoke exits the building if you smoke near the fan. There is a _huge_ difference between a small trace of cigarette smell and that saturated cigarette smell. Especially since the former, with that setup, will not spread into other rooms. Hell I had a roommate who had an absolute no smoking rule, and I busted it all the time when he was gone by smoking in front of the window fan and a squirt of deodorizer. He never noticed, for 2 years, and he would have raised hell if he did, and I would never have done it again. I know because he caught me doing it finally, after 2 years. he flipped. I said, look, I’m sorry man, but, I’ve been doing it for years, only because you never noticed it. So of course ever on after that he was grouchy and insisted he could now smell the smoke built up from the years of me doing it. that it must have accumulated enough to start smelling, when it didn’t before, amazingly hitting that point of no return the day he caught me. Though none of his non smoking friends could smell it. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/44 "2008-11-15T08:25:57Z")
You can ask, but it needs to be an “I know this isn’t fair, but it’s important to me” conversation, not an argument based on why it’s only right and proper that she move outside. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/45 "2008-11-15T09:52:24Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > No. You’re right. I’ve been married long enough to know that. 😃 I’ve spent so much time on the couch that a real bed just wouldn’t feel right. 😉 Preach it, my friend. My husband snores so much that I always sleep on the couch and then go to “bed” for an hour when he wakes up to go to work. We’ve only been married for 4 years and we don’t sleep in the same bed. Nice. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/46 "2008-11-15T09:53:33Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > You’d better be careful. I might forget that we are both married and make a pitch for you. 😉 Florida must be pretty nice this time of year… ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/47 "2008-11-15T13:01:03Z")
When I’m trying to lose weight, my husband refrains from ordering dessert. When he gave up beer for Lent, I didn’t drink in front of him. When my SIL got pregnant, my brother gave up his beloved tuna fish sandwiches. (He found out one memorable day that he couldn’t even eat them when she was gone.) My friend, Wendy, is in rehab as I type. When she returns, we’ll ALL order waters with dinner. It’s not really fair that we have to change our lifestyle to accomodate other people who are battling addictions. But it’s the nice thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/48 "2008-11-15T13:07:01Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > When I’m trying to lose weight, my husband refrains from ordering dessert. When he gave up beer for Lent, I didn’t drink in front of him. When my SIL got pregnant, my brother gave up his beloved tuna fish sandwiches. (He found out one memorable day that he couldn’t even eat them when she was gone.) My friend, Wendy, is in rehab as I type. When she returns, we’ll ALL order waters with dinner. > > It’s not really fair that we have to change our lifestyle to accomodate other people who are battling addictions. But it’s the nice thing to do. Yes. Your friends are lucky to have such an understanding group. We need more like you! ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/49 "2008-11-15T19:52:47Z")
It looks as though you have been married long enough to know that what is fair has nothing to do with it. If you can skip past the part about whose fault it is, and who is right, as though those things had anything to do with solving the problem, you might be able to solve the problem. Unless of course the problem is that whether she smokes outside is not the problem at all. But I think you have been married long enough to be well on your way to working that out, too. In any event, lo these many moons ago when I quit smoking and my significant other of the time did not quit smoking, we solved this problem by investing in adequate ventilation and by adding an indoor air filter – not a crappy thing from an electronics store but one with a UL seal and a class II medical device rating. They are not cheap, but sometimes solving a problem requires a decision about what it’s worth to do it. We decided it was worth it to clean up the air in the two rooms he mostly smoked in but not the whole house, and he limited his smoking to those rooms. This may or may not be a good solution for you. But in general, if you are both working to solve the problem rather than you working on her to solve your problem (or vice versa) you may find that it gets solved faster. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/50 "2008-11-15T20:12:59Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > When we met 10 years ago we both smoked. I quit 2 years ago. I used to smoke in the house, but now I find cigarette smoke absolutely repulsive. > > She feels that it is unfair for me to ask her to step outside when she smokes. I don’t necessarily disagree with her, but I’m tired of filling up the wastebasket with snot rags. > > What say ye? I’m a smoker. I don’t smoke in the house because my wife demands that I take it outside. She’s sensitive like you and I’ve come to appreciate the cleaner home especially when I visit other homes that have smoking inside. The past is the past, and we need to move on respecting the health of others. Take a deep breath and lay down the law with her ! Refuse sex if you have to to show that you mean it ! ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/51 "2008-11-15T20:25:16Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > I’m of the opinion that if you _knew_ she was a smoker when you started this venture then you should just deal with it. > > Just because you made a lifestyle change doesn’t mean she should have to. > Maybe a compromise is in order. Like keep it limited to a certain room? Current smoker here: yes, she should adapt to your changing needs; that’s call “marriage”. Outside is best (including the added in convenience that means she smokes less), but a ‘smoking room’ is a perfectly reasonable alternative. In return, you must never fart. ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/52 "2008-11-15T20:48:02Z")
Quitting does little good, as far as the health risks go, if you continue to be exposed to [second-hand smoke](http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/secondhandsmoke.html). Your risk for cancer and [COPD](http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/Copd/Copd_WhatIs.html) remain high. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/53 "2008-11-15T21:26:00Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Honestly, from the wording in the OP, it sounds like you’ve ALREADY asked her, or somehow suggested the idea in a form other than a question, and she said no. > > So, what are you really asking us? A better way to ask? Whether it’s ok for you to back off the idea? Should it be your right to live in a smoke-free environment? > > Can we get a little deeper here? She knows what you want, and she doesn’t want it. Are you asking what to do next? > > Maybe you should step out of the house whenever she smokes – maybe that will drive her crazy and she’ll offer to switch roles. Yes, we’ve talked about it, and she basically takes **Shakes** ’ view: That when we met, I was a smoker, and I had no problem with smoking in the house. Now, that I have quit, it is unfair to ask/demand/suggest whatever that she stop smoking in the house, according to her. She feels that it is her house as well and that she shouldn’t have to step outside because she likes to have a smoke while on the computer, watching TV, or relaxing on the couch. I guess I just wanted to get you all’s opinion on the matter, but you seem to be split. I guess I’ll either have to get more direct, more harsh, back off, or suggest a “one room smoking” setup. Either that, or run away with Hazle 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/54 "2008-11-15T22:01:00Z")
Well, if you quit for health reasons, you can’t just leave it as is. As picunurse said, continued exposure to second hand smoke is very bad too. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/55 "2008-11-15T23:56:09Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > Yes, we’ve talked about it, and she basically takes **Shakes** ’ view: That when we met, I was a smoker, and I had no problem with smoking in the house. > … > She feels that it is her house as well and that she shouldn’t have to step outside because she likes to have a smoke while on the computer, watching TV, or relaxing on the couch. Quote me (current smoker, married to a quitter) to her; she should, _as your partner_, recognize your changing needs and not smoke in the common rooms. I smoke in one room, my office, with a fan for exhaust, or the cellar. In fact, I don’t know anyone who smokes who still smokes throughout the house anymore. And I live in New England; it’s not Fargo, but it still gets nasty out there in the winter. Make her a deal. She confines her smoking, you give up that aftershave she’s alway hated, or let her use the towel rack closer to the heater. ---
**Author:** ![Bootis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e8c25b/32.png) [@Bootis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bootis)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/56 "2008-11-16T03:38:46Z")
While both sides to this argument have been presented here, I think (unless someone speaks up) there is one thing that is agreed upon 100% - compromising by having a dedicated smoking room is not in any way an unreasonable request. And I think it would be the opinion of a vast majority that if she won’t even agree to that compromise at least, well…that’s pretty darn lousy of her. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/57 "2008-11-16T03:51:42Z")
Is she planning on quiting anytime soon? If she is, she might be of the mind “it’s bad enough that I have to quit in a year or so, why shouldn’t I enjoy the time I have left?”. You might be able to make a deal that the house goes smoke free in 12 months or something, whether or not she quits. It gives her time to get used to the idea. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/58 "2008-11-16T04:04:02Z")
> [@Bootis](#): > > While both sides to this argument have been presented here, I think (unless someone speaks up) there is one thing that is agreed upon 100% - compromising by having a dedicated smoking room is not in any way an unreasonable request. And I think it would be the opinion of a vast majority that if she won’t even agree to that compromise at least, well…that’s pretty darn lousy of her. And if it means a second computer or TV or whatever makes her comfortable in the smoking room, do that. ---
**Author:** ![Spezza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Spezza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spezza)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/59 "2008-11-16T04:39:12Z")
Former smoker. At first I figured this question was a no-brainer. Simple, no smoking in the house. Why? It is disgusting. However, reading others replies made me rethink my position. Now I agree, you have changed the status-quo and your request / demand is a little unfair. Nonetheless, the fact remains smoking is disgusting and her smoking in the house injures you, and there is no escaping that injury. So I propose a timeline. Something generous, say six months or a year. But the agreement is, no smoking in the house after _n_ months. I think it could work. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2008, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746/60 "2008-11-16T04:45:33Z")
> [@j666](#): > > …Make her a deal. She confines her smoking, you give up that aftershave she’s alway hated, or let her use the towel rack closer to the heater. I agree with this. Buy her off. Find out what it will cost. Make a deal. A new car? Nightly oral sex? Whatever it takes will be worth it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-fair-to-ask-the-wife-to-quit-smoking-in-the-house/472746.md?page=4)