# Is it just me that finds relationships suffocating? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 10, 2018, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374 "2018-08-10T04:09:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/21 "2018-08-10T16:33:55Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > If this keeps happening to you over and over, then maybe you need to look at yourself. Are you by any chance drawn to insecure and clingy women? Or however you might describe this one, is she similar to the other women you have been serious with? Because her behavior isn’t normal. Or to dominant ones; I wouldn’t call 1.SiL clingy or insecure but the woman would plan out everybody’s lives to the second if she was allowed to. And when she wants something done, people must understand exactly what she wants, and must already be doing it the instant she’s decided she wanted it, without her having to explain. My mother is even worse at the “how dare you not read my mind” part, but not so horrible about the “trying to plan everybody’s lives” part (or rather, Dad made it clear enough that she just wasn’t allowed to; it stuck). 2.Bro and 2.SiL are both planners, but both love having personal time and neither tries to plan the lives of other people. It’s completely different. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/22 "2018-08-10T16:50:51Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > Thanks everyone – I guess I just wanted to check I wasn’t being a jerk for even having these thoughts. > > I’ll try to have the talk with her again and hopefully we can work something out. Maybe you can “work something out,” but it’s quite possible that you and she are just not a good match for one another. You may be an introvert (see **Ulfrienda** ’s post and/or more independent than average. There are people out there who, rather than cry and get angry when you try to explain that you need some time to yourself, will totally understand. ---
**Author:** ![Mikemike2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikemike2/32/305_2.png) [@Mikemike2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mikemike2)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/23 "2018-08-10T17:36:58Z")
My wife is very much an extrovert and I am more of an introvert. We get along just fine and share many of the same values. I have long set limits on how much I will be dragged out for social events. Usually once a weekend or so. When we vacation we have one day at the resort, and then one day out doing activities. She does not understand why I don’t want to go out more but gets that it is not worth the grief of pushing me too often. If she wants to go out on her own with girlfriends or whatever, that is always fine with me, I’m not asking her to stay at home. So different personalities can work and can complement each other. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/24 "2018-08-10T17:58:02Z")
Don’t go home after work on Friday. Hit the bar, have a few drinks, show up a few hours later. Act like nothing happened. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/25 "2018-08-10T18:07:32Z")
With me, it’s when a guy starts getting “clingy” which, from the tenor of your OP, is kind of where you’re at. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/26 "2018-08-10T19:56:16Z")
Though it won’t help right now, may I suggest that if you get back in the dating pool you discuss the things you do to recharge on our own time and how important it is to you that you do that. Have a conversation, don’t say it as a reaction to a specific plan. And reiterate it once you’re in a relationship by following through on keeping that time to yourself if it means disappointing them. It’s ok to disappoint people! If that makes them dump you, you’re better off finding it out now. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/27 "2018-08-10T20:31:53Z")
Did she just spring this weekend event on you, or is this something you knew was in the works? Does she consult about plans, or do you just go along with what she decides? Do you ever say no to something she wants to do? I started seeing a guy and for our first dinner date, he called me and announced he had made reservations for dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was nice, and I had nothing else planned, so I went. A few days later, he emailed that he’d bought tickets for a show for us for Saturday night. I guess there are women who like a take-charge kind of guy, but I’m not one of them. It rubbed me the wrong way. I emailed back that I wouldn’t be able to attend the show. End of relationship. I think I dodged a bullet. I do sometimes plan weekend events that include my current partner, usually around dog stuff, and he is kind enough to go along with me, but I give lots of warning that it’s coming up and he is free to decline without me pitching a fit if doesn’t want to go. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2018, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/28 "2018-08-10T20:50:41Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > I’ll keep it brief because I know these personal stories are not interesting, but just trying to get some advice: > > My relationships all end the same way: gradually the time we spend together creeps up and up until I resent being in a couple. > I don’t know how other people do it – how can you be in a serious relationship and still learn new skills, change career etc…when do you do it? > > My girlfriend just sent me a message that the whole weekend is planned out; essentially from the time I leave work on Friday afternoon to returning again on Monday morning I won’t have any time to myself. My heart sinks when I see a message like this. Several weeks can go by without a single evening doing my own thing. > > Have I told her how I feel? Yep…I told her as softly as I could that I need some time to myself sometimes and she cried and got angry and all that, but nothing actually changed. > And, as I say, all my relationships have ended up like this. > > Am I a weirdo? And/or what am I doing wrong? First of all “as softly as I could” is not always the best way to express your feelings. I don’t know how long she’s been your girlfriend, but at the beginning of relationships many people want to soak up as much time as possible together. This can be hard on introverts but it isn’t insurmountable. It would probably help going forward if you said specific things you want to do alone rather than just say “I need alone time” at least until you’re more comfortable together. I doubt she would cry if you said “I’m going to skip out at the bbq but I’ll meet you right after for the concert” ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2018, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/29 "2018-08-11T03:57:50Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I sometimes feel like I am running a charity for rich girls. You poor dear. That sounds awful. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/30 "2018-08-12T15:02:20Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > With me, it’s when a guy starts getting “clingy” which, from the tenor of your OP, is kind of where you’re at. Having a grown-up guy say “oh, I don’t know how would I live without you” is one of the things that get me pointed towards an anxiety attack; I discovered it when I was dating a guy who’d do that. Damn dude, you were able to do it for thirty years, fuckin’ figure it out. I’m not your babysitter, you’re taller than I am! ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/31 "2018-08-12T15:26:43Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > In my own relationship we have a similar dynamic. My spouse is more of a planner, whereas I am more of a “follow my nose” type. > > This results in dis-function in that I am never given the opportunity to take the lead with my “follow my nose” style, because it is not valued by my spouse as a valid alternative. > > Personally, I do not use the term suffocating, but I could see how others would. If you are both happy with the arrangement as it is, then good. If your approach not being valued as a valid alternative is a problem to you, and/or if your style’s supposed invalidity is a problem to your spouse, then you probably have some things that could be worked out more effectively. ---
**Author:** ![PlaceboTarget](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/placebotarget/32/1073_2.png) [@PlaceboTarget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlaceboTarget)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/32 "2018-08-12T17:20:59Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Having a grown-up guy say “oh, I don’t know how would I live without you” is one of the things that get me pointed towards an anxiety attack; I discovered it when I was dating a guy who’d do that. Damn dude, you were able to do it for thirty years, fuckin’ figure it out. I’m not your babysitter, you’re taller than I am! Isn’t it possible that the ‘dude’ might be experiencing such a strong and profound emotion that he feels he should pick an equally powerful verbalization to express what he’s going through? Maybe language functions through hackneyed phrases most of the time, or he’s not the best at articulating his sentiments when he actually wants to say he doesn’t want to live without you. If one becomes suspicious of the motives underlying such statements, they should be wary of the plainest “I miss you” as well. I don’t want to contradict your ideas, but I believe romantic relationships should be based on strong emotions and people should express them unequivocally at some point, either verbally or non-verbally. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/33 "2018-08-12T17:52:21Z")
> [@PlaceboTarget](#): > > Isn’t it possible that the ‘dude’ might be experiencing such a strong and profound emotion that he feels he should pick an equally powerful verbalization to express what he’s going through? First, not that particular asshole. Dude just said what he thought I must be wanting to hear. I put up with him for four months and it was four months longer than I should have put up with him (mind you, I’m still grateful to his mother for the books she loaned me). And second, there’s ways of expressing deep and abiding love which do not involve making other people responsible for your whole life and well-being. It may be cliched, but “I love you” works much better for me than “I can’t live without you”. I am your lover, not your mother, and in fact if I were your mother, it would be my job to teach you exactly how to live without me. ---
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/34 "2018-08-12T18:41:45Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > This may seem like a quibble, but it doesn’t sound like it’s the relationship that is suffocating you, it is your girlfriend. From your description, she is not having rational expectations of what a relationship is about, even a committed relationship. Even marriage should not be like that. > > If this keeps happening to you over and over, then maybe you need to look at yourself. Are you by any chance drawn to insecure and clingy women? Or however you might describe this one, is she similar to the other women you have been serious with? Because her behavior isn’t normal. This. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/35 "2018-08-12T18:56:12Z")
I’d be interested in an update after the weekend. > [@Mijin](#): > > My girlfriend just sent me a message that the whole weekend is planned out; essentially from the time I leave work on Friday afternoon to returning again on Monday morning I won’t have any time to myself. My heart sinks when I see a message like this. Several weeks can go by without a single evening doing my own thing. > > Have I told her how I feel? Yep…I told her as softly as I could that I need some time to myself sometimes and she cried and got angry and all that, but nothing actually changed. > And, as I say, all my relationships have ended up like this. > > Am I a weirdo? And/or what am I doing wrong? As others have said, from your description, I don’t see anything inherently wrong with your wishes. Many relationships do go through a phase in which a couple wants to spend every minute of their lives together. Is it possible that you just don’t experience that phase and your relationships never get through that phase and onto a different phase? Anyway, I don’t think your experience is the rule for relationships. Most women I know would resent having their significant others plan out their time on their behalf without consulting. I know you’ve tried to make your wishes clear to this current girlfriend and she doesn’t seem to understand, so it’s hard to offer constructive device. I would have said something like “I need time to myself throughout the week to do things like study to improve my career prospects, develop my skills, and just be by myself. So don’t expect that I will be available around the clock. And please do not commit me to any activity without asking me first.” But it seems like you’ve tried that, and it didn’t work. Maybe it’s worth one more try to see if you can reach a reasonable accommodation? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/36 "2018-08-12T20:12:14Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > And second, there’s ways of expressing deep and abiding love which do not involve making other people responsible for your whole life and well-being. It may be cliched, but “I love you” works much better for me than “I can’t live without you” Or you can just judge people for what they mean by a common phrase. It might have all these dire implications for you, but it isn’t viewed that way by the rest of society. I think it’s pretty safe to say that people don’t actually mean to say that they will literally be unable to continue living. That’s coming from you, not them. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/37 "2018-08-12T20:39:19Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Or you can just judge people for what they mean by a common phrase. It might have all these dire implications for you, but it isn’t viewed that way by the rest of society. > > I think it’s pretty safe to say that people don’t actually mean to say that they will literally be unable to continue living. That’s coming from you, not them. It depends how and when he said it, but I tend to agree with this. Being in love makes people feel more and differently than they normally do. He could say you’re beautiful. And you could say “bullshit”. But why would you? Hmmm… Answering my own question… Sometimes because you absolutely do not feel the way he does. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/38 "2018-08-12T20:39:53Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Or you can just judge people for what they mean by a common phrase. It might have all these dire implications for you, but it isn’t viewed that way by the rest of society. > > I think it’s pretty safe to say that people don’t actually mean to say that they will literally be unable to continue living. That’s coming from you, not them. I think it’s coming from **Nava** ’s knowledge of the person who said it. Sure, “I can’t live without” you, or my morning coffee, or my cellphone, or whatever, is common hyperbole. But I trust **Nava** to understand why this particular person in this particular context might be cause for concern. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/39 "2018-08-12T22:53:30Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > This may seem like a quibble, but it doesn’t sound like it’s the relationship that is suffocating you, it is your girlfriend. From your description, she is not having rational expectations of what a relationship is about, even a committed relationship. Even marriage should not be like that. > > If this keeps happening to you over and over, then maybe you need to look at yourself. Are you by any chance drawn to insecure and clingy women? Or however you might describe this one, is she similar to the other women you have been serious with? If you have a pattern of feeling suffocated in relationships, you might want to take a look at your [attachment style](https://markmanson.net/attachment-theory). If you’re avoidant, you’re much more likely to pick partners who are anxious. That means that the women you have romantic relationships try to get closer to you (feeling neglected or uncertain of your love), while you try to keep your distance (feeling suffocated or imposed upon). ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2018, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/40 "2018-08-12T23:37:55Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I think it’s coming from **Nava** ’s knowledge of the person who said it. > > Sure, “I can’t live without” you, or my morning coffee, or my cellphone, or whatever, is common hyperbole. But I trust **Nava** to understand why this particular person in this particular context might be cause for concern. I agree that if it’s said “sober” - i.e. not in the context of falling in love - then it’s disturbing. And that if there’s a mismatch - one person fell in love but the other didn’t - then it’s disturbing for a different reason (person who fell in love is oblivious to the facts). But people in love can say some crazy shit, and they mean it, but they don’t mean it like that, know what I mean? When emotions are over-the-top, sometimes it comes out as ridiculous words. But there are no non-ridiculous word choices to be made at that moment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374.md?page=3)