# Is it just me that finds relationships suffocating? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 10, 2018, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374 "2018-08-10T04:09:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/41 "2018-08-13T00:07:38Z")
> [@PlaceboTarget](#): > > I’m different from most people but I don’t think I’m weird. > I am probably wrong but you sound to me like a person who values personal development more than a relationship. How many hours a week should your girlfriend spend with you so that you wouldn’t find it suffocating? Why does personal development necessarily have to be exclusive from a long term relationship? I have found being with the right person HELPS personal development for both parnters, it doesnt hinder. I’d say you have been consistenly drawn to the same, and wrong, type of personality for you to have a successful relationship with. > [@Broomstick](#): > > I’d say someone who wants to script an entire weekend is the weird person - I’ve never been in a relationship where there wasn’t free time. I was married 30 years and both my spouse and I had our own projects, time alone, etc. > > You’re entering relationships with the wrong people. Yep. And if this is a pattern, the problem is you, not relationships as a rule. Introspection and honesty with yourself (maybe even some short term therapy to aid in this process) strikes me as the best path forward. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/42 "2018-08-13T00:12:57Z")
Your negative experiences do have positive value in this process. You know very well at this point what doesn’t mesh with you. So take that knowledge and use it going forward in helping you figure out what does mesh. Very structured, defined frameworks for a relationship do not work for you, while they do for some (as well as some people simply can’t learn from their mistakes). There is no one official definition for “relationship”. It is defined by those in it. ---
**Author:** ![PlaceboTarget](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/placebotarget/32/1073_2.png) [@PlaceboTarget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlaceboTarget)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/43 "2018-08-13T02:51:00Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Why does personal development necessarily have to be exclusive from a long term relationship? I have found being with the right person HELPS personal development for both parnters, it doesnt hinder. That is my experience as well. A partner will bring not only moral support but also various skills and inclinations. By pooling resources, spouses end up making better individual progress while saving effort and time. But, of course, it is not a general rule because it depends on a wide range of factors, such as personality, goals, or even luck. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/44 "2018-08-13T04:02:04Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I think it’s coming from **Nava** ’s knowledge of the person who said it. > > Sure, “I can’t live without” you, or my morning coffee, or my cellphone, or whatever, is common hyperbole. But I trust **Nava** to understand why this particular person in this particular context might be cause for concern. Thank you, to you and the others who understand I can tell the difference between The Bestest Boyfriend exclaiming “you’re the light of my life!” (my name means light) and The Needy Jerk being, well, The Needy Jerk. TBB was never looking for someone to take care of him; TNJ was and made it quite evident. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/45 "2018-08-13T04:10:03Z")
OP what would happen if you just say no? Come up with your own plans, make room for her or not. You need to push back and make it clear you will have a say in your recreational activities. Make it plain you will need time alone at times. If she goes ballistic just stick to your guns. You’re a grown up she shouldn’t plan every minute of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/46 "2018-08-13T13:29:07Z")
It seems to me that the main problem is a lack of communication. Your girlfriend makes plans without even consulting you to see if you are even available or interested. Based on your OP, it would seem that you are trying to communicate with her, but she is not willing to listen or communicate back. Relationships are a 2 way street. You both have to put in 100% to make it work. I don’t know your specifics, but it is up to you to try to work with her on this and ultimately up to you to determine if you are getting everything you want out of the relationship. If it were me I would talk to her about how to improve communication between the two of you. Don’t make the conversation about how you need your private space, but rather how you both can improve communication with each other so that when either of you need your space, you can talk about it. I hope this helps. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/47 "2018-08-13T13:59:28Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Thank you, to you and the others who understand I can tell the difference between The Bestest Boyfriend exclaiming “you’re the light of my life!” (my name means light) and The Needy Jerk being, well, The Needy Jerk. TBB was never looking for someone to take care of him; TNJ was and made it quite evident. Ugh. Sorry for taking things in the wrong direction. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/48 "2018-08-13T14:35:26Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > I’ll keep it brief because I know these personal stories are not interesting, but just trying to get some advice: > > My relationships all end the same way: gradually the time we spend together creeps up and up until I resent being in a couple. > I don’t know how other people do it – how can you be in a serious relationship and still learn new skills, change career etc…when do you do it? > > My girlfriend just sent me a message that the whole weekend is planned out; essentially from the time I leave work on Friday afternoon to returning again on Monday morning I won’t have any time to myself. My heart sinks when I see a message like this. Several weeks can go by without a single evening doing my own thing. > > Have I told her how I feel? Yep…I told her as softly as I could that I need some time to myself sometimes and she cried and got angry and all that, but nothing actually changed. > And, as I say, all my relationships have ended up like this. > > Am I a weirdo? And/or what am I doing wrong? Forgive me if you posted it already, but are you dating a woman from another culture? Are you Western? Is she Chinese? (I note your location says Shanghai). Maybe communication and expectations about what is ‘normal’ in a relationship are completely different? It’s been over a decade now and times may have changed, but I lived in Japan and dated women from both Japan and China (now married to a Chinese). There were definitely different understandings about personal time and space, which is definitely a Western / North American thing and tends to get mixed reception elsewhere. Particularly with Chinese women, I recall that there was a lot less ‘dating’; things got way more serious from the start than I had expected. By contrast, younger Japanese women tended to be more flexible in this regard and were okay with not taking things too seriously initially. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2018, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/49 "2018-08-13T16:28:19Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > I’ll keep it brief because I know these personal stories are not interesting, but just trying to get some advice: > > My relationships all end the same way: gradually the time we spend together creeps up and up until I resent being in a couple. > I don’t know how other people do it – how can you be in a serious relationship and still learn new skills, change career etc…when do you do it? > > My girlfriend just sent me a message that the whole weekend is planned out; essentially from the time I leave work on Friday afternoon to returning again on Monday morning I won’t have any time to myself. My heart sinks when I see a message like this. Several weeks can go by without a single evening doing my own thing. > > Have I told her how I feel? Yep…I told her as softly as I could that I need some time to myself sometimes and she cried and got angry and all that, but nothing actually changed. > And, as I say, all my relationships have ended up like this. > > Am I a weirdo? And/or what am I doing wrong? You may be a weirdo, but this isn’t an indication. 🙂 My first wife was good at planning out 125% of my time and then getting after me for not honoring my time commitments. Just one of several problems we had. Wife 2.0 is much more respectful of my time, in fact she gets cranky if it looks like I’m not doing enough stuff for me. Ultimately, you’re the one who has to live in your head. If you’re being deprived of you-time, you’re going to suffer, and in the resulting unhappiness those around you will suffer. Took me a long time to realize it, but too much self-deprivation robs everyone of the best You. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2018, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/50 "2018-08-14T04:07:21Z")
Hi everyone, sorry the slow reply but…you know…been busy… Actually it wasn’t just spending time with my SO, I had a lot of work commitments too recently. > [@asahi](#): > > Forgive me if you posted it already, but are you dating a woman from another culture? Are you Western? Is she Chinese? (I note your location says Shanghai). > > Maybe communication and expectations about what is ‘normal’ in a relationship are completely different? It’s been over a decade now and times may have changed, but I lived in Japan and dated women from both Japan and China (now married to a Chinese). There were definitely different understandings about personal time and space, which is definitely a Western / North American thing and tends to get mixed reception elsewhere. Particularly with Chinese women, I recall that there was a lot less ‘dating’; things got way more serious from the start than I had expected. By contrast, younger Japanese women tended to be more flexible in this regard and were okay with not taking things too seriously initially. Yes, this is correct, a big part of it is likely culture. When I said earlier that all my serious relationships have ended up like this, I neglected to mention that all of my serious relationships have been with Chinese women. Neglected to mention because I didn’t really think of it until now. I see relationships through the lens of my upbringing; my parents are quite independent and they both have some hobbies that don’t involve each other. Meanwhile my hobbies are my GF’s hobbies; there are no activities that she goes to that aren’t with me. I’ve tried to find things for her in the past. I might bring up belly dancing (which is popular here, and explicitly not a thing men can take part in). ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2018, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/51 "2018-08-14T05:55:38Z")
So You have expectations She has expectations Some of them are stealth expectations because you & her didn’t realize you & her even had those expectations (because “everybody knows that’s how it’s done”, “every man knows…”, “women ought to…”, “why can’t you just be normal”) And some of them are maybe secret expectations, wishes and hopes that you each might have but you’re afraid to say because the other person will misunderstand/freak or because socially unacceptable She might even be doing this crazy stuff to please you! And you might be accidentally doing similarly to her. So talk about expectations. Hmmm Also there’s the way people talk - some cultures are “say everything out loud, leave nothing to chance”, other cultures are “hints are the polite way, laying it out in black & white is insulting people’s intelligence”. There might be that to overcome, too. Have fun. 🙂 Sorry I’m in a hurry and this is sloppy writing ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2018, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/52 "2018-08-14T07:25:43Z")
OP you sound like the male version of me. In my dating days, most guys would come on very strong-calling constantly, texting, sending flowers, ugh. It made me feel totally overwhelmed & totally turned off. I am very independent and have learned that I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not equally independent or I feel smothered. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2018, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374/53 "2018-08-14T07:30:11Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Having a grown-up guy say “oh, I don’t know how would I live without you” is one of the things that get me pointed towards an anxiety attack; I discovered it when I was dating a guy who’d do that. Damn dude, you were able to do it for thirty years, fuckin’ figure it out. I’m not your babysitter, you’re taller than I am! Right there with you, Nava. That type of neediness sends me running for the nearest exit-it’s just too much pressure. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-just-me-that-finds-relationships-suffocating/819374.md?page=2)