# Is it more hurtful if an SO leaves you for a homosexual relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2005, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024 "2005-02-26T16:36:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/21 "2005-02-26T23:45:12Z")
Well to me, it was less hurtful. It almost makes it better. I mean, I happen to have a Y chromosome, can’t do anything about it either. So, if a woman I was with decided to date another woman… such is life. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/22 "2005-02-27T00:00:48Z")
This happened to a close friend of mine, and it was very hurtful. They had dated through much of college. I think what hurt her the most was that, in a relationship that long, they had discussed why things weren’t getting to the physical level. He had come up with all sorts of lies (there was this girl I got pregnant and I don’t want to take the risk again, I’m focused on my pre-med studies, I’m religious/conservative, yes, I really am attracted to you…). I can see the point of view that he was in denial himself, but in retrospect I think he knew long before college graduation and really was using her as a “beard” so he could continue with his straight, conservative roommates. In our mutual group of friends, he would have been welcome as a gay person. This same friend had another romantic interest in college who also turned out to be gay, but he was much more honest with his struggle and I have a lot more respect for how he handled it. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2005, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/23 "2005-02-27T00:33:23Z")
I’d be pretty upset in any situation wherein my significant other (either male or female as I’m bi) decided I did not make them happy enough, whether it be them going straight, gay, or staying the same and just finding someone else better than me. ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2005, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/24 "2005-02-27T06:07:46Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > The part that’s often hard for closeted people to overcome is the idea that everything will change somehow once they come out; that they’ll be a different person. It’s a relief to see that you’re still exactly the same person as you were before, with a little bit of extra weight lifted off your shoulders. Well, that’s true. However, it’s often the case for the people around you that you \*are \*a different person. Perhaps it’s because after you come out, you’re more open and comfortable with your true self, and while it’s been inside you all the time, you’re new to the outside world. This would be especially true for an opposite gendered partner. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2005, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/25 "2005-02-27T06:32:27Z")
I’d feel more hurt, in that I would feel like the whole relationship was just a lie-that I was never really loved or desired the way I wanted to be, and I’d feel as if I were used as a “beard” or whatever. HOWEVER-I would be more amiable to an ex who was gay because surely we’d still love one another as friends. If someone left me because I found out he was cheating, I’d be fucking pissed. **TV Time** -how was she able to restrict her children from seeing their father? Didn’t he fight for time with them at all? ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2005, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/26 "2005-02-27T17:30:00Z")
Not really. It just means that they had needs you couldn’t fullfill. And yes, it has happened to me. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/27 "2005-02-28T04:21:25Z")
It happened to my sister. She felt that she had been lied to for the entire 15 years of marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/28 "2005-02-28T12:14:06Z")
I think it depends on how much you were into the other person sexually and emotionally. If you were sexually satisfied but not that emotionally into them, your sexual ego might take a bruising but it’s not that bad. If you had a strong emotional attachment but the sex was always off, that might clear up a few things that once frustrated you but makes the break-up harder. If you’re a narcissitic fuck who was already fucking around when your lover leaves you for a another, I’ve seen how that’s not going to be a big deal, because you’re a self-absorbed emotionally stunted bastard anway. That’s for men and women, btw. Bottom line: strong emotional attachments are almost always harder to recover from than strong sexual ones. ---
**Author:** ![Honeydew\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e19b73/32.png) [@Honeydew\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honeydew_1)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/29 "2005-02-28T13:31:32Z")
> [@TV time](#): > > She would flip out if homosexuality was mentioned in a conversation. And this is not about molestation of the children. She says that was not part of it. Why would molestation be part of her concerns if he was gay? Just because a person is gay, doesn’t mean they’re child molesters! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/30 "2005-02-28T14:15:50Z")
> [@Honeydew](#): > > Why would molestation be part of her concerns if he was gay? Just because a person is gay, doesn’t mean they’re child molesters! **Honeydew** , while I completely agree with you that it is not and should not be a rational concern, in the interest of preventing a train wreck, I will point out that TV time never said it was an accurate or even good reason. Furthermore, this woman doesn’t sound too rational. It would not be surprising if an irrational person held an irrational reason for something. This particular notion, that gay = child molester, is completely factually wrong, but it is a commonly held notion, wrong though it is. **TV time** tells us simply that this common irrationality was \*not \*a reason for the woman’s actions. She has other reasons, possibly irrational, possibly not. Whether or not **TV time** her/himself believes that gay=child molester is unclear from the post, but probably better fodder for another thread, as it would be quite a hijack of this one, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/31 "2005-02-28T14:17:34Z")
Many years ago, my ex and I and lived next door to a very nice couple and their two children. My ex and the woman next door became pretty good friends and one night the woman came over, obviously distraught and obviously needing to talk. As it developed, she had come home from a girl’s night out and had walked in on her husband and one of his friends, in bed, naked, and actively engaged in simultaneous oral sex. Her husband left with his friend, the children were packed off to one of the grandparents homes and the woman next door was simply devastated. She believed she had done something to drive her husband to do what he did and no amount of talk could convince her otherwise. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person so completely destroyed by the actions of another. I always thought the two guys set the whole thing up in order to deliver an unmistakable message. ---
**Author:** ![moi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@moi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moi)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/32 "2005-02-28T14:32:52Z")
In general, less hurtful because it’s not a rejection of me _personally_ but kind of a meta-rejection of women in general. My only modifications to this would be if I were being actively lied to (e.g. s/he were seeing people on the side, living out a gay/straight relationship behind my back). Also, saying it’s “less hurtful” doesn’t mean it’s _sans_ pain, which is what some people seem to be reading into it. Yeah, it would still suck. Particularly from my perspective, since I’m currently married; my partner leaving me wouldn’t be a simple break-up, it would be a Significant Life-Changing Event. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/33 "2005-02-28T14:52:37Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > I’d be pretty upset in any situation wherein my significant other (either male or female as I’m bi) decided I did not make them happy enough, whether it be them going straight, gay, or staying the same and just finding someone else better than me. Yup. It pretty much sucks any way you slice it. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/34 "2005-02-28T19:04:15Z")
I think it would be a lot less hurtful. If he left me because he was gay, I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not it was my fault he was unsatisfied. If he left me for a woman, I’d find myself comparing and wondering why she was so much more attractive to him than I. I mean, I’d still be pissed, but I could at least chalk it up to his gayness rather than my inadequacies. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/35 "2005-02-28T19:20:32Z")
Well. This happened to me. Actually, to be fair, she didn’t leave me for a homosexual _relationship_ (or so she’s always maintained, and I believe her); she left me because she finally realized she was a lesbian. And it was _much_ less hurtful than if she’d left me for another man (that’s happened to me too). The only bad part was the month (or so) where I had _no idea_ why she’d left. But then we had a couple of counseling sessions, and it…um…_came out_, so to speak. To all those who are saying that it would feel as if they were being lied to the whole time, it wasn’t like that. I truly believe that she wasn’t aware of her true sexuality for most of the time we were married (7 years, plus 8 years together before that). It’s not a lie if the person truly believes they’re straight. Sure, meeting each other on the street afterwards was a bit awkward, but now we’re friends again; we even hang out together on a semi-regular basis. So take that how you want; just a first-hand account. It wasn’t that bad. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/36 "2005-02-28T19:37:27Z")
My first girlfriend left me for an older woman. I was pretty obsessive and clingy in that relationship, and there were all kinds of other issues going on besides her sexuality, but I took the breakup badly. The weirdest part for me was that for awhile afterward, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel about lesbians. I had a coworker who was lesbian and who was a great person–friendly, funny, cheerful, kind–and yet I felt as if I were supposed to hate her as a symbol of what my ex-girlfriend had done to me. Not that I hated her–I just felt as if I should. Does that make sense? Doesn’t make sense to me either. I ended up just feeling really uncomfortable around this coworker, not because of who she was, but because I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do with it. Later on I had a semi-girlfriend leave me for an older man–but she ended up being a horrible person anyway, so I was able to hate her afterward, which made the whole thing much easier :). Daniel ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/37 "2005-02-28T20:38:36Z")
> [@](#): > > I imagine this would be equally true for committed gay relationships where the SO decides they really aren’t gay after all. > [@](#): > > Couldn’t this question also be for gay SO’s leaving for a heterosexual relationship? Yeah, like that happens every day. Go down to The Menopause Manor Nightclub and just try to find a gay guy cruising the divorcees and widows. Then go to the Eagle and count the wedding bands. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a responsible, mature spouse who ‘discoved they were gay’ after being married. In my opinion, no matter how you slice & spin it, anybody who approaches their spouse one day with a ‘honey, I’m queer’ revelation: Has not been honest from the get-go and destroyed their partner’s future dreams. Has either been commiting adultry (or had experimented prior to the marriage). Entered into a union under false pretences - And deserves whatever wrath they have coming to them. People fall in and out of love all the time. Most people know that before they get married - and most are willing to work at reconciliation during ‘rocky’ periods in their relationship. But when a spouse comes home and drops an ‘I’m gay’ bombshell, they’re basically telling the person they took a vow to love and cherish that they’ve been living a fraudulent existence, a sham and a lie - and have formally & unilaterally decreed a death sentence on the marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Synthesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@Synthesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Synthesis)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/38 "2005-02-28T21:32:46Z")
As usual, it is nice to see a wide range of reponses and experiences. JohnBckWLD, I tend to agree with your insights on this as it hits home pretty hard with me. Four years ago my wife came out to me and told me that she was a lesbian. She has spent her entire life trying NOT to be one (Baptist upbringing, ect). Did she know about this all her like? Yes, of course. But, like many…she believed that she could overcome it, change it, or pray it away. Most surprisingly, we are still together and trying to make it work because we do really care about each other and with two younger kids our decisions have impact beyond ourselves. At this point it is becoming obvious that the relationship isn’t going to work out on a marital level. Our physical relationship has been present, but very strained as one might imagine. The OP question asked “Is it more hurtful if your SO leaves for a same-sex relationship?”. My answer is that it is more hurtful if your SO comes out and tries to make the existing relationship work. An obvious square peg-round hole problem has resulted in ongoing pain and difficulty as my wife and I, as stupid humans, try to make the impossible work. The real point of this post, I suppose, is that our society’s failure to be more tolerant is often very damaging to families like mine as gay people try to “convert” themselves by marrying and trying to live a straight existence. ---
**Author:** ![nevermore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a587f6/32.png) [@nevermore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevermore)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/39 "2005-02-28T22:13:37Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > I think you’d be hard pressed to find a responsible, mature spouse who ‘discoved they were gay’ after being married. In my opinion, no matter how you slice & spin it, anybody who approaches their spouse one day with a ‘honey, I’m queer’ revelation: > Has not been honest from the get-go and destroyed their partner’s future dreams. > > Has either been commiting adultry (or had experimented prior to the marriage). > > Entered into a union under false pretences - And deserves whatever wrath they have coming to them. > People fall in and out of love all the time. Most people know that before they get married - and most are willing to work at reconciliation during ‘rocky’ periods in their relationship. But when a spouse comes home and drops an ‘I’m gay’ bombshell, they’re basically telling the person they took a vow to love and cherish that they’ve been living a fraudulent existence, a sham and a lie - and have formally & unilaterally decreed a death sentence on the marriage. who in the world are you to say what someone knows or does not know and when? I can prove you wrong with the simple statement of fact that I DID not know my own sexuality until about a year and a half ago. in fact, I may not have even BEEN bisexual until then, because I certainly don’t remember any horribly driving urges toward females until around that time. say you’ve only eaten beef your whole life, and chicken never looked particularly appetizing to you. one fateful day, someone fixes some chicken in such a way that it makes your mouth water and you’ve just got to try it. are you a liar for telling people, indeed, _believing_ up to that point that you’re not a fan of chicken? in general, one does not at any given point have access to all of one’s own mind or the possible paths along which it might develop. to expect someone to do so just because they are your spouse is unrealistic and unreasonable. beyond that, even assuming one DOES know that they have sexuality issues, there’s the majority of society leaning over our shoulders telling us that it’s something we can “overcome” if we struggle and strain and put ourselves through personal hell to ignore what will make us happy in order to prioritize for appearances and family and blah blah blah. even without all the pressure, living as a non-heterosexual is not by any stretch of the imagination easy; it results in an instantaneous decrease in civil rights and liberties, not to mention a certain alienation from what’s “normal.” can you really blame someone for trying to fight it? furthermore, it’s my opinion that it is a wholly selfish and destructive policy to consider ANY relationship, marriage included, as inclusive of any kind of guarantee. doing so is an excuse to be demanding and spiteful, and nothing more, because it sure as hell isn’t based on reality. and back to the topic… I’m with **Miller**. when I’m compatible with someone, sexual equipment is such a nonissue for me that it’d be damn near incomprehensible to me if someone left me solely on that basis. though, for some reason, I think I’d feel worse if a guy left me for another guy than if my girlfriend left me for a guy. that, I cannot explain. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2005, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024/40 "2005-02-28T23:06:36Z")
> [@nevermore](#): > > who in the world are you to say what someone knows or does not know and when? I guess you didn’t get the memo. Seriously though, seeing that my post was geared toward spouses as opposed to the more-general 's/o’s in the OP, I’ll put it this way: Anyone who doesn’t have their sexuality ‘figured out’ by the time they either pop the question - or say yes, should neither ask, nor answer a ‘will you marry me’ proposal. > [@nevermore](#): > > I can prove you wrong with the simple statement of fact that I DID not know my own sexuality until about a year and a half ago. in fact, I may not have even BEEN bisexual until then, because I certainly don’t remember any horribly driving urges toward females until around that time. I’m in no _(uh-hmmm)_ position to gauge how bisexual you are from one statement that says, you don’t recall any “horribly driving (same-sex) urges.” I also have no idea what age ‘x-18 months’ is – but assume you’re in your early 20’s. If my hunch is close, it’s based on the fact most people have their sexual IDs figured out by then On top of the fact your writing style is very ‘Gen Y-like’). > [@](#): > > say you’ve only eaten beef your whole life, and chicken never looked particularly appetizing to you. one fateful day, someone fixes some chicken in such a way that it makes your mouth water and you’ve just got to try it. are you a liar for telling people, indeed, _believing_ up to that point that you’re not a fan of chicken? Perhaps your analogy would’ve worked better had it been sausages and pie…maybe even chicken pot pie and beef kelbasa…but I seriously doubt it. > [@nevermore](#): > > in general, one does not at any given point have access to all of one’s own mind or the possible paths along which it might develop. to expect someone to do so just because they are your spouse is unrealistic and unreasonable. Sorry, but that sounds like new-age psych-babble to me. > [@nevermore](#): > > beyond that, even assuming one DOES know that they have sexuality issues, there’s the majority of society leaning over our shoulders telling us that it’s something we can “overcome” if we struggle and strain and put ourselves through personal hell to ignore what will make us happy in order to prioritize for appearances and family and blah blah blah. even without all the pressure, living as a non-heterosexual is not by any stretch of the imagination easy; it results in an instantaneous decrease in civil rights and liberties, not to mention a certain alienation from what’s “normal.” can you really blame someone for trying to fight it? Sorry, but by your logic, people may be able to overcome their ‘non-heterosexual’ (is that bi propoganda?) impulses or identities. Which is it: An individual person’s sexuality is static and hard-wired, or fluid and evolving in their subconscious? > [@](#): > > furthermore, it’s my opinion that it is a wholly selfish and destructive policy to consider ANY relationship, marriage included, as inclusive of any kind of guarantee. doing so is an excuse to be demanding and spiteful, and nothing more, because it sure as hell isn’t based on reality. Here lies one of the reasons divorce rates are so high in this country. I’m not picking on you nevermore, I was referring to married folk in my post. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-more-hurtful-if-an-so-leaves-you-for-a-homosexual-relationship/292024.md?page=3)