# Is it not enough that I've agreed to do what you want? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 7, 2003, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770 "2003-07-07T14:20:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2003, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/21 "2003-07-07T21:29:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jacquilynne \* > \*\*Me: No. I do not think it’s better. You think it’s better. Because you think it is better, I will turn it off. \*\* See, this is where you confused her. You said, “No.” and elaborated. She can’t process this much information, so she’s not sure _what_ you are saying, and all she hears is the initial “No”. So she keeps pressing the point. I find that with people like this, there is no point in trying to reason with them. Just keep your opinions to yourself and say, “Okay, I’ll turn off the dryer.” That way, she feels like she’s won, you avoid these circular conversations, and everybody’s happy. ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2003, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/22 "2003-07-08T04:30:42Z")
That’s pretty much what I was going to say. The OP answered the question that was asked, but all she really needed to do was answer the question that was **meant**. In the long run, does it matter whether you tell her you don’t agree? You’re willing to do what she wants, so why not just go along with her? ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/23 "2003-07-08T18:57:52Z")
This basement you’re renting, has she rented it out before? Does she think of you as more a friend of her daughter’s who is staying in her house than as a tenant? It sounds to me like this lady doesn’t want to be the person in authority. She wanted you to be persuaded that what she suggested was the sensible course of action, not have you comply with an order. My grandmother could be like that, and it drove me (and everyone around her) nuts, largely because she _always_ had an opinion on how _everything_ should be done, and would persist until she wore you down. ---
**Author:** ![jacquilynne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jacquilynne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jacquilynne)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/24 "2003-07-08T19:11:55Z")
That’s an interesting perspective, **don’t mind me**. She previously rented the basement to her daughter, and I think before that to a cousin, or something, but it’s always been an all in the family sort of arrangement. She’s not interested in having tenants and making money, she’s just a retired widow who needs some help paying the bills every month. I’d imagine her view of our relationship falls somewhere between ‘friend of daughter who is staying in her house’ (which implies I live with her, when I don’t, we have completely separate living spaces - except for the shared laundry room and garage) and ‘tenant’ but definitely on the friendly, social end of that spectrum. I really hadn’t thought of her motivations as being quite that reasonable. She’s not normally opinionated and demanding, but when she does want something she invariably turns to this same aggravating method of asking that it be done by asking me if I think it should be done instead of just telling me to do it. In future, I shall assume positive underlying motivations and try to be less grumpy about it. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2003, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/25 "2003-07-08T20:11:23Z")
I’m in an interpersonal-skills course, and one point we covered two weeks ago was: > [@](#): > > The way to get the best of an argument is to avoid one. The conversation in the OP is a very good exhibit supporting this point. LL won cooperation from tenant **jacquilynne** , but because the argument continued, the conversation was not constructive. Repeating the question again and again did nothing to build reations up nor to win the second point, the change in **jacqui** ’s opinion. I’m not criticizing, I’m just making an observation. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/26 "2003-07-09T10:48:40Z")
Perhaps she wanted to persuade you so you’d be more assidous about it (ratehr than thinking, oh dear, better humour her). But couldn’t drag up any more persuasive arguments than ‘you agree, right?’ at that time. As to breaking the cycle you need to either say “WHY? WHY IS IT A FIRE RISK?” which will cause a lot of tension, but maybe satisfy you, or “OK, ok, already” which is not satisfying but gets you out of there. ---
**Author:** ![Mariemarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/58f4c7/32.png) [@Mariemarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariemarie)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/27 "2003-07-09T12:06:32Z")
There’s a little game I’ve observed among older proper Southern ladies. It’s called, “Let’s all be agreeable!” You’re sitting down at brunch with a small group of ladies, and someone notices the window treatments. “Are those poofy swags nicer than the pleated drapes?” A discussion ensues. Everyone must say something nice about poofy swags, and something mean (but not _too_ mean) about pleats. “Pleated drapes seem a little stern to me; those poofs are so much more cheerful!” If you say “I would prefer duct tape and black construction paper to those hideous poofs,” even if you are being completely honest, you are inviting trouble. The rules require you to make a statement in agreement with the general consensus. ---
**Author:** ![Mariemarie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/58f4c7/32.png) [@Mariemarie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariemarie)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2003, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770/28 "2003-07-09T12:22:06Z")
Ok, so calling the poofs hideous would be insulting-- bad example. “I just love what Lois has done with venetian blinds” would be risky, because it is not in support of the poofs, unless you added, “wouldn’t it be cute if she installed poofs along the tops of the windows?” Even if you’re thinking “poofs make me vomit”. To apply this to the dryer conversation, say “Hmm now… if I turn the dryer off when I leave, then I’m sure it’s off, and I won’t have to wonder about it while I’m in class! Yes that’s definitely better.” Now you can run along to work or class, while your towels mildew, and your Land Lady thinks “What a nice sensible friend my daughter has. I think I’ll make her a pie.” Agree with land lady = you get pie = good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-not-enough-that-ive-agreed-to-do-what-you-want/186770.md?page=1)