# Is it OK for men to cry in public? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 29, 2003, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398 "2003-09-29T00:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![KellyM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/57b2e6/32.png) [@KellyM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyM)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/241 "2003-10-08T23:31:38Z")
I’ve built a bookshelf, although my mom helped. Never built an endtable. I’ve replaced the alternator in my car, too. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/242 "2003-10-09T01:00:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DocCathode \* > \*\*That is NOT building an endtable. That is assmbling an endtable from a kit. Truly building an endtable would working from lumber and a set of plans. \*\* Plans? Please. I thought we were talking about real men here… ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/243 "2003-10-09T01:20:23Z")
> [@](#): > > And gobear, I may be the Gay Guy, but that’s only 'cause I masterminded the threads. I don’t speak for anyone but me. I am, however, happy to give my opinion, even when not wanted and/or asked for. Dude, you do know I wasn’t serious, right? I was just teasing. Hugs ---
**Author:** ![presidebt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c37758/32.png) [@presidebt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/presidebt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/244 "2003-10-09T01:48:38Z")
Wow, this thread is a laugh riot when it’s not tragic. So typical of some the more unsavory aspects of SDMB. As for the OP, I think it was awful he left his friend. I don’t care enough to comment on the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/245 "2003-10-09T01:55:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Iteki \* > … Boils down to “if you cry, you are as bad as a woman”? > Lovely, I am surprised you will sink so low as to fuck us. Please pencil me in for a love child appointment somewhere in the next two weeks. You have summarized so much in the span of two short sentences. If I did so at all to begin with, I would worship you. SIDEBAR: This may also be an incredible insight as to why so many homophobic super-macho men exhibit (measured and proven) arousal at the sight of gay porn. Perhaps it is only the company of (supposedly) similarly unemotional creatures that truly puts them at ease. Women are so _untidy_ about their feelings. Small wonder these meat heads get all excited watching men make love to each other. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/246 "2003-10-09T06:06:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gobear \* > **Ellis Dee** , nowhere in the quotes you cited did I say that sniveling is acceptable; it isn’t. But sniveling and weeping over trivi is not the same thing as expressing the **pain of a divorce**! I’m a big fan of stoicism and keeping your composure under stress, but if you never express your emotions, you’re likely to die of a stroke or a heart attack much sooner than you should. I agree completely. Everyone in this thread agrees. So I wonder why you felt the need to go on the offensive? > [@](#): > > _gobear continues_ > There’s a reason that women prefer to hang with gay men; we have defined our masculinity for ourselves instead of letting others do it for us. We can kill bugs AND we can listen and weep with our friends. I think it has more to do with shared interests and a lack of sexual pressure/tension. But that’s just my WAG. > [@](#): > > _gobear continues_ > And not one of you guys is tough in any way that counts. A Latina hotel maid who has to get up at 5, ride a bus for two hours each way to work a grueling, low-paid job in order to raise her kids–THAT’s tough. Building an endtable or kiling bugs is small potatoes to that. Still attacking. Not sure why. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by LouisB_ > I believe that this comment refers to me and I would like to be shown where and when I ever claimed to be sensitive. All I ever claimed was that is was okay for men to cry in public when under the influence of profound depression. I singled you out unfairly, and used a poor choice of words when labeling you a “sensitive” type. I intended to convey the meaning “posters who support the ‘sensitive-guy’ argument that men should be able to cry.” > [@](#): > > I would also like to know what you find so “endlessly” informative about the fact that I’ve cried twice in the last eight years. Are you a mental health professional that you are able to glean some insight into my character, based on a few words on a message board? If so, please share that insight so that I might learn something valuable about myself. Otherwise, do your enigmatic posturing elsewhere. I didn’t realize I had to have a degree in order to be endlessly fascinated. Granted, the adverb is yet another poor choice of words. What I meant was “obviously, this is a hotbutton issue which cuts some people to the core. It is interesting that people on one side of this rancorous debate actually exhibit the behavior of the opposition. I now wonder if this is an aspect of all hotbutton debates. Perhaps the core belief system of all vociferous debaters shares some common ground with the side they rail against.” “Endlessly” refers to an underlying theme that I now suppose may exist in all heated debates, and have noted this hypothesis to myself in order to verify/disprove it during future, unrelated debates. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/247 "2003-10-09T06:10:17Z")
One question to the posters who argued that men should be able to cry: Cite me one single post by anyone in this entire thread that states that men should never cry. ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/248 "2003-10-09T06:47:55Z")
I’ve never built an end-table, I have to admit. But I have constructed a desk, then broke it by improperly moving it into place via a process of lateral inertia, friction, and the effect of shear forces on dirt-cheap plasterboard quasiwood, then (GRUNT!) repaired the broken desk with hammer and nails so that it was stronger, with more nail-y goodness, than before. A friend later observed on the results, “Huh. Usually it takes at least two or three guys to achieve results like that.” I’m not sure about the undertones in that–I’m not much for the emotions and such flibbery things–but I’m pretty sure it was deference and awe. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/249 "2003-10-09T09:22:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ellis Dee \* > \*\* Cite me one single post by anyone in this entire thread that states that men should never cry. \*\* OK. **Dirty Kash** ; > [@](#): > > “I faked an excuse and pretended to go to the washrooms, just to avoid the humiliation of being seen with a man who cries. **Jennyrosity** : > [@](#): > > “Sorry, but it’s NEVER ok for a guy to cry, in public or at other time,” **Scumpup** : > [@](#): > > “Crying is for women and children.” And > [@](#): > > “Hey, I’ll pimp-slap his whiney crybaby ass all over that bar. People with tears in their eyes can’t see clearly. It’s that much sweeter that the outer manifestation of his lack of masculine self-control is what will make said pimp-slapping even easier.” To which,\*\* Jennyrosity\*\* replies: > [@](#): > > “I love you scumpup.” ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/250 "2003-10-09T10:35:18Z")
> [@](#): > > Cite me one single post by anyone in this entire thread that states that men should never cry. Our turn. Give us a cite for why men shouldn’t cry in public at the typical socially acceptable locations. (Replies such as "Because that’s not what **men** do will result in bludgeoning by the One True Scotsman, god of logical fallacies.) ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/251 "2003-10-09T15:03:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jsgoddess \* > \*\* and who thinks that a stripey orange cat named Tuffy was worth crying over. That’s what I respect. > > Julie \*\* odd. i used to live near a stripy orange cat named Tuffy. I know you? ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/252 "2003-10-09T15:27:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drastic \* > … repaired the broken desk with hammer and nails so that it was stronger, with more nail-y goodness, than before … Bwahahaha! Quite the manly solution there, **Drastic**. Now go squish some buggy goodness out of a large arthropod and your Y chromosome certificate will go out in today’s mail pouch. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/253 "2003-10-09T16:24:26Z")
Okay, **Ellis,** but you said “endlessly informative” and not “endlessly fascinated.” It really doesn’t matter in the least. I don’t consider myself to be “sensitive,” what ever that means. My wife often says that I am not. Having been through a period of profound depression, wherein I broke down in public a couple of times, I maybe empathize with the person mentioned in the OP. I did learn, though, that one’s emotions aren’t always under control, and that it is okay when that happens. When I did break down, the person that was with me did not abandon me, and I will be forever grateful for that. Thanks to counseling and medication (love those meds) I am no longer profoundly depressed but I retain empathy for those who are. I also learned during counseling that it is essential to be in touch with one’s feelings and to act on them appropriately—if the situation calls for tears, then tears it will be. Other than the two situations I described, I haven’t had occasion to cry in the last eight years. Thanks to Marcie, I have been happy during that time. **Scumpup,** I’m bored with this and I’m bored with you. So, take your juvenile machismo, your infantile humor, and your lying ass with you while you fuck off and die. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/254 "2003-10-09T16:49:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LouisB \* > Okay, **Ellis,** but you said “endlessly informative” and not “endlessly fascinated.” It really doesn’t matter in the least. I don’t consider myself to be “sensitive,” what ever that means. My wife often says that I am not. Having been through a period of profound depression, wherein I broke down in public a couple of times, I maybe empathize with the person mentioned in the OP. I did learn, though, that one’s emotions aren’t always under control, and that it is okay when that happens. When I did break down, the person that was with me did not abandon me, and I will be forever grateful for that. Thanks to counseling and medication (love those meds) I am no longer profoundly depressed but I retain empathy for those who are. I also learned during counseling that it is essential to be in touch with one’s feelings and to act on them appropriately—if the situation calls for tears, then tears it will be. Other than the two situations I described, I haven’t had occasion to cry in the last eight years. Thanks to Marcie, I have been happy during that time. > > **Scumpup,** I’m bored with this and I’m bored with you. So, take your juvenile machismo, your infantile humor, and your lying ass with you while you fuck off and _ **die** _. [sup]EMPHASIS ADDED[/sup] You were doing perfect up to that one last word. You might want to rephrase that final sentence (even though I largely agree with everything else you’ve said). Just a suggestion. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/255 "2003-10-09T16:52:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scumpup \* > > **Just popping in to add that those of you who were trying to irritate or insult me by implying I am homosexual…homophobic…religious whackjob, … I don’t find that label insulting.** See, that’s just people giving you the benefit of the doubt. You can’t be blamed at all for homosexuality and Daddy issues. Homophobia or religious whackery won’t win you any favors, but at least at the end of the day you can wave your hands and point to your failings. But you _will_ be held to account if you consider violence or “pimp-slapping” inextricable from being a Real Man. The worst part is you evaluate yourself through the opinions of people who don’t even know you. Let me ask you this: if you cry in front of your little daughter or your wife, why do you care about what strangers think? **Dirty Kash** : you’re an asshole for walking away from your friend. I hope once he’s through needing you for a crutch he gives you the send-off you deserve. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/256 "2003-10-09T17:31:25Z")
**Zenster,** you are right and I apologize to **Scumpup** , the Moderators of this message board, and to all the members of this message board. I certainly did not mean to wish actual, physical death on anyone and I regret my choice of words. **Scumpup,** merely fucking off will be quite enough, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/257 "2003-10-09T17:38:53Z")
Oh, and **Zenster,** I forgot to thank you earlier for your kind words at the beginnng of this trainwreck. So, a belated thank you, and thank you very much at that. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/258 "2003-10-09T18:03:40Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **gobear** _ > > Dude, you do know I wasn’t serious, right? I was just teasing. Uh… SURE I knew that. Yes. Definitely. Ha ha. You are such a kidder. You are. Indeed. Yes. _{ahem}_ Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/259 "2003-10-09T18:19:20Z")
Loo E.B., If you wish to address me, I think it is appropriate after the pimp-slapping that I gave you in this thread that you address me as \*\* “Sweetdaddy Scumpup”\*\* from now on. Otherwise, I won’t be bothered to respond to any of your drivel. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398/260 "2003-10-10T06:17:53Z")
I threw down the gauntlet, asking for cites of posters in this thread claiming that men should never cry. Spooje responded with edited quotes. I have included the snipped context from those quotes: **DirtyKash** : “I faked an excuse and pretended to go to the washrooms, just to avoid the humiliation of being seen with a man who cries. _Implying that a man crying is humiliating, and therefore never acceptable._ What was snipped: “So I ask you, is it okay for men to cry in public? I think not.” _ **in public** is clearly implying that it is in fact ok to cry in private. It appears to be the entire point of the OP._ **Jennyrosity** : “Sorry, but it’s NEVER ok for a guy to cry, in public or at other time,” What was snipped: “barring things like death of a parent” _interesting how this was part of the same sentence, and you even included the comma. Very misleading. Her view is more extreme than mine, but she immediately added a caveat to “never”, thus failing to satisfy the cite requirement._ **Scumpup** : “Crying is for women and children.” You got me there. I missed that one. \ I’d say that particular post, along with most of his in this thread, had an underlying tone of humor to it, but since I agree with his position, it’s easy to see it/use it as a cop-out. The other scumpup post you quoted specifically mentioned the setting being a bar, which is a public place, and has no relevance toward the question of crying in private. Jenny’s response seems completely irrelevant to both of our points. I think my contention is valid; this thread is about men crying **in public** , not men crying **in general**. Only one post argued for men to never cry, and that was a two-liner. So please desist from the moral posturing until it against an argument that has actually been made. (Not you specifically.) I would add several followup questions to the people who say (possibly correctly) that crying is not always controllable: Is it ok for men to cry on the battlefield, if he is controlling troop deployment? Is it ok for men to cry while driving a schoolbus full of small children? Is it ok for men to cry while performing open-heart surgery? etc… > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by robertliguori_ > Our turn. Give us a cite for why men shouldn’t cry in public at the typical socially acceptable locations. (Replies such as "Because that’s not what men do will result in bludgeoning by the One True Scotsman, god of logical fallacies.) Hmmm, I’m not sure what your actual question is. My cite request was to point out that posters in this thread almost unilaterally agree that men should indeed cry, just not in public. Are you asking me to find a cite from a poster in this thread? And I never asked for a “why” cite, I asked for specific examples of the perceived attitude that was being raged against, which I was trying to point out _never existed in the first place_. So, could you rephrase your question so that I can understand it better? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-men-to-cry-in-public/204398.md?page=14)