# Is it ok for spouses to make new, non-work friends of the opposite sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607 "2010-09-13T14:45:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2010, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/61 "2010-09-14T21:17:56Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > I guess I’m not sure how “trusting other people” enters into it. The only scenario for me where “I trust my spouse (and they are worthy of said trust)” and “I don’t trust other people” doesn’t add up to “no sex happens” is “my spouse’s ‘friend’ raped her”, unless I’m missing something. I feel like there’s a logical disconnect in here on one of our ends. There’s a logical disconnect in your sentence somewhere, so I don’t know what your point is. My wife and I want others to think twice about taking a friendship to the next level. This decreases the chances of either of us having to deal with such a situation. If you and your wife don’t care about that, don’t do it. Neither of us would approve of the other maintaining a friendship after an incident like that occurred. Do you understand why? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/62 "2010-09-15T00:39:05Z")
I agree with everyone saying that a relationship needs trust to be successful, but the other part of that equation is that both partners have to be careful with their boundaries with people outside the relationship. If the preferred sex friendship outside of our marriage is respectful our our boundaries, I have no problem with it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/63 "2010-09-15T01:05:05Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Why would you marry someone of a particular gender if you get along with everyone else of that gender so poorly as not to be friends with any of them? I wonder about this too, and although I’m not jealous of any of my SO’s friends if I ever were that would be the sticking point – that he and I are best friends and I feel threatened. Saying he can’t be friends with women, well… that pretty much puts them in the position of relative or potential object of lust, doesn’t it? And what does that say about his relationship with me? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/64 "2010-09-15T01:19:41Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I agree with everyone saying that a relationship needs trust to be successful, but the other part of that equation is that both partners have to be careful with their boundaries with people outside the relationship. If the preferred sex friendship outside of our marriage is respectful our our boundaries, I have no problem with it. I totally agree with this, as does my husband. For instance, I have no problem with him having a Wednesday night skating partner. I don’t even have a problem with him going out for a drink with her afterward. But. . .if they had a couple of drinks, and she said “Hey, I’ve got a great bottle of Scotch back at my place; why don’t you come check it out?” I would fully expect him to say no. That crosses a line that we both agree on. It puts him in an intimate situation with another woman. ‘Accidents’ _do_ and _can_ happen, no matter how much you trust your partner, and no matter how much your partner didn’t ‘set out’ to cheat on you! So you need to decide where the boundary lines are, and both agree to respect that. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/65 "2010-09-15T02:45:56Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > There’s a logical disconnect in your sentence somewhere, so I don’t know what your point is. \*\*My wife and I want others to think twice about taking a friendship to the next level. \*\*This decreases the chances of either of us having to deal with such a situation. If you and your wife don’t care about that, don’t do it. > > Neither of us would approve of the other maintaining a friendship after an incident like that occurred. Do you understand why? Well, certainly that’s a risk of any friendship, I just don’t count it as enough of a risk in civilized today to think it worth limiting my or my wife’s friend pools otherwise. And of course, I understand why you would drop a friendship with someone who pushed a boundary like that. My disconnect is why you’d avoid ALL opposite-sex friendships to avoid the relatively minimal chances of untoward advances. Unless everyone but me is getting hit on by their single friends at a rate greater than the 0 I’m currently experiencing. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/66 "2010-09-15T03:37:30Z")
> [@Zeriel](#): > > Well, certainly that’s a risk of any friendship, I just don’t count it as enough of a risk in civilized today to think it worth limiting my or my wife’s friend pools otherwise. > > And of course, I understand why you would drop a friendship with someone who pushed a boundary like that. My disconnect is why you’d avoid ALL opposite-sex friendships to avoid the relatively minimal chances of untoward advances. > > Unless everyone but me is getting hit on by their single friends at a rate greater than the 0 I’m currently experiencing. Why would it limit your friendships? I didn’t say avoid all opposite-sex friendships, just keep your eyes open. If you and your wife are satisfied with a mutual understanding, you’ve got the big hurdle out of the way. And if your female friends know your wife won’t tolerate any hanky-panky (who says that anymore?), the problem is less likely to arise. It’s a Catch-22. Your female friends will desire you more if they see your wife is being protective, but they’re less likely to hit on you. It’s not that simple with your wife’s male friends though. Guys are a lot tougher to dissuade. If you can’t look like a potential axe murderer, buy a gun. And your wife will appreciate that you care. (you know her, so depending on the situation, you might not want her to know about the gun). And what was that reference to ‘civilized’ about? Civilization ended years ago. Seriously, make sure you have a satisfactory mutual understanding with your wife. That’s what counts. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/67 "2010-09-15T03:46:25Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > I totally agree with this, as does my husband. For instance, I have no problem with him having a Wednesday night skating partner. I don’t even have a problem with him going out for a drink with her afterward. But. . .if they had a couple of drinks, and she said “Hey, I’ve got a great bottle of Scotch back at my place; why don’t you come check it out?” I would fully expect him to say no. That crosses a line that we both agree on. It puts him in an intimate situation with another woman. ‘Accidents’ _do_ and _can_ happen, no matter how much you trust your partner, and no matter how much your partner didn’t ‘set out’ to cheat on you! So you need to decide where the boundary lines are, and both agree to respect that. norinew, you sound like a wonderful wife! To care so much about your husband’s hobby, and maintain that level of trust. And you are so sensible too, establishing reasonable boundaries without acting suspicious of his intentions. He’s such a lucky man. He’d be a fool to ever succumb to the wiles of some trollop. But with a wife like you, I doubt the thought would ever cross his mind. I don’t think he can even focus on skating when he is without you. I bet he wishes you were there with him the whole time. And going out for a drink afterward, he must be running out to the car to go home with his skates on. Every man should be so lucky, and every woman should look to you as a role model. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/68 "2010-09-15T06:39:55Z")
norinew’s advice sounds similar what I’ve heard in lots of relationship counseling, even the Christian kind that was trying to tell you how to avoid sex before marriage. No I’m not having any problems–I just keep in touch with a lot of therapist types. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/69 "2010-09-15T08:38:40Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > > [@norinew](#): > > > > I totally agree with this, as does my husband. For instance, I have no problem with him having a Wednesday night skating partner. I don’t even have a problem with him going out for a drink with her afterward. But. . .if they had a couple of drinks, and she said “Hey, I’ve got a great bottle of Scotch back at my place; why don’t you come check it out?” I would fully expect him to say no. That crosses a line that we both agree on. It puts him in an intimate situation with another woman. ‘Accidents’ _do_ and _can_ happen, no matter how much you trust your partner, and no matter how much your partner didn’t ‘set out’ to cheat on you! So you need to decide where the boundary lines are, and both agree to respect that. > > norinew, you sound like a wonderful wife! To care so much about your husband’s hobby, and maintain that level of trust. And you are so sensible too, establishing reasonable boundaries without acting suspicious of his intentions. He’s such a lucky man. He’d be a fool to ever succumb to the wiles of some trollop. But with a wife like you, I doubt the thought would ever cross his mind. I don’t think he can even focus on skating when he is without you. I bet he wishes you were there with him the whole time. And going out for a drink afterward, he must be running out to the car to go home with his skates on. Every man should be so lucky, and every woman should look to you as a role model. Gee, **TriPolar** , you had me _right up to the edit_. You know, if you hadn’t _asked_ for a school bus, I may have just randomly bought you one! But, having raised now-adult children, I think I’m smart enough to know when I’m being sucked up to! 😃 As for being a wonderful wife, well, I try. I’m lucky to have a low-maintenance hubby. When he comes home, as long as there are: clean glasses to drink out of (the ones he likes; he’s picky about his glasses, but we have about twenty of them), clean towels for his shower, mayo in the fridge (the man is a mayo-lovin’ fool) and cookies in the pantry, the rest of the place could be falling down around us, and he’s pretty happy. If I happen to cook one of his fave meals (which I try hard to do while he’s home) like chicken with plum sauce or smoked sausage with homemade mac and cheese, it’s bonus points! 😉 Oh, btw, when he’s home, he takes our 10YO roller skating, too. He’s 50 now, and has packed on maybe 60lbs or so since we married (and was never considered conventionally good-looking to begin with, though I’ve found him attractive for many years). But when we go skating (I go with, to comfort **mudgirl** if she falls, and to make sure there’s a cold drink and plenty of napkins on the table), I get the jealous hairy-eyeball from other women, because he’s _such a good skater_. They will watch him. Then watch me. Then watch him. Finally, they’ll approach me and say (in obviously envious tones) “Is _that_ your _husband_?” Uh, yeah. I hate to admit that I get a little prideful at that, but I do. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/70 "2010-09-17T05:52:45Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > You have a bit of self-awareness, but really, unless you start doing something with your life, you’ll continue to be easy to dismiss. It’s not like you worked for 20 years and got laid off, it’s that you’re essentially still in first gear, living at home with your parents. Especially when you go off spouting things like “I’m super cynical and untrusting lolz”. If you’re divorced, 50, and was cheated on by your spouse who was the only person you’d ever fucked, well, then you’d have reasons. Why jump down his throat when he basically said that he knew it was irrational? Between this and the gym thread, you seem to have a tendency to read really elaborate psychological profiles into casual posts. ---
**Author:** ![Erdosain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/erdosain/32/7284_2.png) [@Erdosain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erdosain)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/71 "2010-09-17T10:06:45Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > > You have a bit of self-awareness, but really, unless you start doing something with your life, you’ll continue to be easy to dismiss. It’s not like you worked for 20 years and got laid off, it’s that you’re essentially still in first gear, living at home with your parents. Especially when you go off spouting things like “I’m super cynical and untrusting lolz”. If you’re divorced, 50, and was cheated on by your spouse who was the only person you’d ever fucked, well, then you’d have reasons. > > Why jump down his throat when he basically said that he knew it was irrational? > > Between this and the gym thread, you seem to have a tendency to read really elaborate psychological profiles into casual posts. But she’s _ **23** _, not some immature 20-year-old who isn’t doing anything with his life. He probably never had a nanny to teach him some initiative. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/72 "2010-09-17T11:17:55Z")
I voted for the second option, but not because I don’t trust my husband around other women. Most of his friends are women (this has been true since he was in university). I voted that way because he has really awesome taste in friends, and if he finds a new one I will probably want to get to know them too! But I wouldn’t be upset or worried if he made a new friend I didn’t have the opportunity to meet due to logistics; for example, he has a friendly lunch every month with a woman he’s worked with for five years. I’ve never met her because that’s the only non-work socialising they do with each other, but I don’t have a problem with their being friends and my not knowing her. > [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > > [@matt\_mcl](#): > > > > Why would you marry someone of a particular gender if you get along with everyone else of that gender so poorly as not to be friends with any of them? > > I wonder about this too, and although I’m not jealous of any of my SO’s friends if I ever were that would be the sticking point – that he and I are best friends and I feel threatened. Saying he can’t be friends with women, well… that pretty much puts them in the position of relative or potential object of lust, doesn’t it? And what does that say about his relationship with me? I completely agree with this. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/73 "2010-09-17T13:47:17Z")
> [@Erdosain](#): > > But she’s _ **23** _, not some immature 20-year-old who isn’t doing anything with his life. He probably never had a nanny to teach him some initiative. Ooo, very cute. I had no idea that leaving home at 17 was a worthless accomplishment. Should I get off your lawn or stop paying for your Medicare first? ---
**Author:** ![Erdosain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/erdosain/32/7284_2.png) [@Erdosain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erdosain)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/74 "2010-09-17T14:39:16Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > [@Erdosain](#): > > > > But she’s _ **23** _, not some immature 20-year-old who isn’t doing anything with his life. He probably never had a nanny to teach him some initiative. > > Ooo, very cute. I had no idea that leaving home at 17 was a worthless accomplishment. Should I get off your lawn or stop paying for your Medicare first? It’s called recognizing social cues. Notice that IMHO usually isn’t the forum to be nasty to people for their opinions, which you seem to do regularly. It kind of defeats the purpose. In the same vein, when you’ve authored a thread in the past about how your parents paid for your college education, apartments, living expenses, it’s best not to brag about how independent you are. Leaving home is not an accomplishment when your parents pick up the tab! ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/75 "2010-09-17T14:51:24Z")
Then why are you continuing the conversation if you don’t condone it? ---
**Author:** ![Erdosain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/erdosain/32/7284_2.png) [@Erdosain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erdosain)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/76 "2010-09-17T15:25:40Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Then why are you continuing the conversation if you don’t condone it? Good point. Consider the threadjack over. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/77 "2010-09-17T15:29:19Z")
It’s not about leaving home to me, it’s about shooting someone down because of something fairly unrelated. **AClockworkMelon** isn’t trying to be some worldweary cynic type. He said he knew it was an irrational worry and to be honest, I respect him for admitting to an unpopular opinion and for recognizing that it’s not necessarily a reasonable fear. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/78 "2010-09-17T15:30:44Z")
I’m male, I say it’s ok. But men ALWAYS want to sleep with their female friends. 99% always. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/79 "2010-09-17T15:44:47Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > I’m male, I say it’s ok. But men ALWAYS want to sleep with their female friends. 99% always. _cough_ ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/80 "2010-09-17T15:52:58Z")
Even the gay ones, right **matt\_mcl**? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607.md?page=5)