# Is it ok for spouses to make new, non-work friends of the opposite sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 13, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607 "2010-09-13T14:45:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/81 "2010-09-17T16:45:21Z")
I don’t, in general, mind if my partner has other male (and usually also gay) friends that I’m not friends with. He has interests that bore me so I consider it a good thing for him to have other people to do them with. There have sometimes been people that I’ve asked him to spend less time with for various reasons, but its usually no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/82 "2010-09-17T17:23:20Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > I’m male, I say it’s ok. But men ALWAYS want to sleep with their female friends. 99% always. Meh, I’m the most oversexed male in my group of friends. 50%, AT BEST. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/83 "2010-09-18T00:10:23Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > [@Erdosain](#): > > > > But she’s _ **23** _, not some immature 20-year-old who isn’t doing anything with his life. He probably never had a nanny to teach him some initiative. > > Ooo, very cute. I had no idea that leaving home at 17 was a worthless accomplishment. I left home at 18 and me and my SO paid for it on our own. This is fun! ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/84 "2010-09-18T07:58:09Z")
I think as long as everything is fully disclosed, and fully consensual, it’s OK. Personally, I prefer monogamy, because, it’s just easier. Sexually, I worry more about being at risk for STDs than other factors. Emotionally, I do get jealous, but, if I’m not getting priority attention, then, what’s the point of dating? We might as well be friends or friends with benefits. I really love Lyle Lovett’s speech in “The Opposite of Sex”: "Say the point of sex isn’t recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it’s concentration. Say it’s supposed to focus your attention on the person you’re sleeping with, like biological highlighter. Otherwise, there’s just too many people in the world. Look for me first in any crowded room. And I’ll do likewise. Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else. " Ultimately, every relationship is a negotiation. Each partner wants certain things and diswants certain other things, and the watermark of a successful relationship is navigatating this area such that each partner is satisfied. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/85 "2010-09-18T11:18:53Z")
Well, I voted option 3 but not because I don’t trust my spouse - honestly he just doesn’t do activities where he would meet random women to be friends with so to do so he would have to be actively seeking them out which would be weird. Now, if a woman joined his men’s rec hockey team I would have no issue at all with him doing hockey stuff with her; however, I wouldn’t be crazy about the idea of him going to a movie or something with her because that’s an activity that I like to do with him. Mind you, if it was Saw or something equally bad I wouldn’t care if he went with her 'cus I sure wouldn’t want to. Humm, so I suppose philosophically I should have picked 1 but due to our particular circumstances I picked 3. I should also note that hubby has lots of women friend that he knew before we met and i have no issue with that at all. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/86 "2010-09-18T15:32:35Z")
> [@jackdavinci](#): > > I think as long as everything is fully disclosed, and fully consensual, it’s OK. > > Personally, I prefer monogamy, because, it’s just easier. > > Sexually, I worry more about being at risk for STDs than other factors. WTF are you talking about a sexual relationship? The OP is about a non-sexual, friendship relationship. Your whole post seems to be about sexual sharing, which is totally out of the left field for this thread. Unless you define “monogamy” as “no relationships, of any kind, with anyone but me” which, I’ll be the first to say, is completely fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/87 "2010-09-18T22:13:59Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Why would you marry someone of a particular gender if you get along with everyone else of that gender so poorly as not to be friends with any of them? For me, this is one of the best questions I’ve ever seen on this topic. I like men who like women, not just to fall in love with or have sex with, but to spend time with and be friends with. But there are boundaries that I would have expected of my husband and that I expect of myself. If I found myself attracted to a friend, I would limit the amount of time I spent alone with him, and would definitely limit the amount of time I spent with him in situations that felt too intimate. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607/88 "2010-09-19T04:21:24Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > WTF are you talking about a sexual relationship? The OP is about a non-sexual, friendship relationship. > > Your whole post seems to be about sexual sharing, which is totally out of the left field for this thread. Unless you define “monogamy” as “no relationships, of any kind, with anyone but me” which, I’ll be the first to say, is completely fucked up. My post, and the OP, are about jealousy in a relationship, of which I mention several different kinds, only one of which was sexual. Granted, the movie quote mentions sex too, but the point it was making was about focus in relationships. I guess you could have mistaken the original statement about “monogamy” as also being sexual, but I meant it in the generic sense of “uniquely faithful” in whatever respect the context merits, whether that is sexual, emotional, or attentional. I gave a direct answer, addressing the specific circumstances, and a longer exploratory answer, addressing the broader context. I think you are the one overly focused on sex. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-ok-for-spouses-to-make-new-non-work-friends-of-the-opposite-sex/553607.md?page=4)