# Is it racist to only date members of a certain racial group? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 19, 2009, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000 "2009-03-19T06:45:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/21 "2009-03-19T17:12:37Z")
> [@JRDelirious](#): > > The Title question keeps showing up, again and again… > > Not racist per se, but it would mean the person making the comment is presuming to know the reason for Person A’s dating patterns. As said in the OP, one may be “shallow” in defining a particular set of physical/cultural traits as “your type” but that’s not necessarily racist, it may just be that such set of traits is your particular turn-on, simple as that. In post 12 when I first responded to **Annie-Xmas** , I specifically said it might be _bad_. I just don’t think it’s _racist_. So I believe we are in agreement. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/22 "2009-03-19T17:37:53Z")
I think the test would be if your opinion of a person changed based on new information about their race. Some people can be racially ambiguous. If a person had a thing where they “only” dated white women, and they were very interested in someone, but then suddenly lost interest when they discovered that person was actually a light-skinned black or hispanic person, I think that would be racist–it’s rejecting the individual based entirely on ideas about the group. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/23 "2009-03-19T18:20:46Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Dude! If you don’t tell her your number, she’ll never call you! Duh! Oh. So Halle’s not a racist, she just doesn’t date stupid people like me (is she a smartist?) Well, I say that’s just wrong and I intend to be outraged. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/24 "2009-03-19T18:31:02Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > It absolutely is not racist. How is anyone being harmed by not dating someone? I know what you’re saying, but racist in the sense that it’s making a judgment about someone being worth dating based solely on their race. My initial reaction was also no, not because of the harm issue, but because of the “you can’t help what you’re attracted to”. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/25 "2009-03-19T18:53:29Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > I know what you’re saying, but racist in the sense that it’s making a judgment about someone being worth dating based solely on their race. Assuming it’s the case that the reason someone doesn’t date X is because he thinks X isn’t worth dating, and I’m not saying it is, where is the harm? How is simply making a judgment being racist in any real sense? Now going around \*saying \*it could be racist, but simply having the thought? If we define racism so broadly then everyone is a racist. > [@](#): > > My initial reaction was also no, not because of the harm issue, but because of the “you can’t help what you’re attracted to”. I knew a white guy who only dated black guys. Is he a racist? ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/26 "2009-03-19T19:03:02Z")
I’m on a message board for a site focusing on helping people get family based Visas and I can tell you right now, in some instances it most definitely can be racist. And it always seems to be Asian/Filipino women for some reason. Well actually, there’s a very clear reason. More than one man on that site has made it clear that they actively sought out Filipino/Asian women because they’re more ‘ladylike’ and ‘demure’ than American women. In otherwords, they’re more quiet and submissive. Plus there’s often a HUGE age difference between Filipino women especially and the men who sponsor/marry them. But that’s a whole other thread all together. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/27 "2009-03-19T19:05:00Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > I’m on a message board for a site focusing on helping people get family based Visas and I can tell you right now, in some instances it most definitely can be racist. And it always seems to be Asian/Filipino women for some reason. Well actually, there’s a very clear reason. More than one man on that site has made it clear that they actively sought out Filipino/Asian women because they’re more ‘ladylike’ and ‘demure’ than American women. In otherwords, they’re more quiet and submissive. Plus there’s often a HUGE age difference between Filipino women especially and the men who sponsor/marry them. But that’s a whole other thread all together. Are they more submissive? If they are, is it racist to prefer that? Is it racist to marry a much younger woman? How, exactly? ---
**Author:** ![sundog66](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@sundog66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sundog66)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/28 "2009-03-19T19:38:20Z")
Is it racist? I don’t think that’s an interesting question. It depends on how you define racism. If you define racism broadly enough, then sure, it’s racist, but who cares? Is it morally reprehensible? No, I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/29 "2009-03-19T19:42:54Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Assuming it’s the case that the reason someone doesn’t date X is because he thinks X isn’t worth dating, and I’m not saying it is, where is the harm? How is simply making a judgment being racist in any real sense? Now going around \*saying \*it could be racist, but simply having the thought? If we define racism so broadly then everyone is a racist. I got it–think whatever you want, as long as you don’t change someone else’s chances at life. I agree with you there. Did the white guy only date black guys because he thought they were somehow superior based on their skin color? If so, yes it’s a judgment based on race, but as you say, it’s not hurting the rest of the men if he keeps it to himself. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/30 "2009-03-19T19:58:09Z")
> [@sundog66](#): > > Is it racist? I don’t think that’s an interesting question. It depends on how you define racism. If you define racism broadly enough, then sure, it’s racist, but who cares? > > Is it morally reprehensible? No, I don’t think so. Ehh I guess it wouldn’t technically be racist per say, probably more sexist than anything. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Am\_The\_Lorax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e19adc/32.png) [@I\_Am\_The\_Lorax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Am_The_Lorax)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/31 "2009-03-19T20:00:09Z")
Filipinas are not more submissive, but my ex-stepfather thought so when he boug…married one he found on a mail order site. He is definitely a racist. When I was in high school, I had dates with all kinds of boys; preppy white boys, Mexican boys, black boys, Indian boys, and he had something disgusting to say about all of them except the white ones. I saw how he treated my mother, it was bad, but she’s no shrinking daisy. So when I heard he had married a Filipina, I felt sick to my stomach because I knew he didn’t give a damn about her as a woman, as a human, only as a pussy and a housekeeper. So, no, I don’t think it’s racist to date some kinds of people and not others. I like all kinds, some people don’t. Whatever. But some of the biggest racists will “date” outside their own race for the wrongest reasons. (Sorry 'bout my mini-rant) ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/32 "2009-03-19T22:10:26Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Did the white guy only date black guys because he thought they were somehow superior based on their skin color? I honestly don’t know. I think it was an attraction thing, though. > [@](#): > > If so, yes it’s a judgment based on race, but as you say, it’s not hurting the rest of the men if he keeps it to himself. So, to be clear, \*any \*judgment based on race is racist? Even if it judges the race to be \*good \*in some way? That’s sort of weird to me. So, if I travel to Mexico, have a nice time and am treated well by one and all, and come home and say “You know, those Mexicans sure are a friendly people,” that’s a racist statement? ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/33 "2009-03-20T05:21:52Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > ETA - don’t even get me started on Filipino women - their idea of being submissive is stabbing you in the heart with a steak knife nine times instead of ten. At least it’s only the heart they take the knife to – “That is my _least_ vulnerable spot,” as Captain Renault says. I don’t even want to get into what “submissive” Thai ladies often go for with the knife. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/34 "2009-03-20T08:04:46Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > Oh. So Halle’s not a racist, she just doesn’t date stupid people like me (is she a smartist?) Well, I say that’s just wrong and I intend to be outraged. I think you’re totally being mean! Why, why should she suffer so bitterly? Is this right?!?! Please rethink your position…for HER sake! ---
**Author:** ![groo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecd19e/32.png) [@groo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/groo)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/35 "2009-03-20T09:55:43Z")
Absolutely not racist, and shame on people who say it is! You are attracted to whomever you’re attracted to, and you’re not attracted to those you’re not attracted to. Attraction is a complex mix of all sorts of factors, and poets and country singers have been pondering the reasons for centuries. One of those factors could be ACTUAL racism, but you (from the outside) can’t make that judgment. Racism is defined by specific actions, and not having friends of certain races or lovers of different races is way below the bar. In order to show my support of gay rights, am I duty bound to date that nice homosexual fellow who asks me out? ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/36 "2009-03-20T10:51:03Z")
I only date women - does that make me sexist? If a woman only dates taller men, does that make her ‘heightist’? > [@shiftless](#): > > A better question is: Why is Halle Berry such a racist that she won’t go out with me? I’ve been waiting by the phone. > [@handsomeharry](#): > > Dude! If you don’t tell her your number, she’ll never call you! Duh! Now you tell me! ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/37 "2009-03-20T11:25:43Z")
My first serious boyfriend was a Hispanic guy; to be honest he wasn’t physically “my type” but we jived on many other levels so I didn’t care. The fact that we didn’t work out had nothing to do with his race. Am I now quite serious with a tall blue-eyed white guy? Yes. But he’s Italian/Irish and a Yankee From Connecticut (I’m a Texan girl) and we laugh about our differences the same way my ex and I did. I don’t really think I have a “type.” But even if I did, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; I’ve been attracted to black guys, but if I hadn’t, I don’t think that would make me a racist. I wouldn’t hold it against a guy if he just wasn’t into “tall white girls” like me, any more than I think it’s wrong for me to like a tall guy with big blue eyes. You like what you like. My brother finds blondes quite boring; he’s instinctively attracted to “exotic” women…aka Asian, Hispanic, Italian…he doesn’t care. He just likes the “look.” I don’t see anything wrong with that. You can’t scientifically quantify attraction. It’s there, or it ain’t. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/38 "2009-03-20T14:41:17Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > So, to be clear, \*any \*judgment based on race is racist? Even if it judges the race to be \*good \*in some way? That’s sort of weird to me. So, if I travel to Mexico, have a nice time and am treated well by one and all, and come home and say “You know, those Mexicans sure are a friendly people,” that’s a racist statement? Yep. That’s why it’s still racist to say “All Asians are smart”, even though it’s a positive, since you haven’t met all Asian or Mexicans, and you’re making a generalization about folks based on their race/ethnicity. 'We had a great time in Mexico; everyone we met was very friendly" would be legit; “Mexicans are a friendly people” is not. ---
**Author:** ![Garula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@Garula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Garula)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/39 "2009-03-20T15:45:15Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > So, to be clear, \*any \*judgment based on race is racist? Even if it judges the race to be \*good \*in some way? That’s sort of weird to me. So, if I travel to Mexico, have a nice time and am treated well by one and all, and come home and say “You know, those Mexicans sure are a friendly people,” that’s a racist statement? Think about it this way, suppose you have a society with people of race A, people of race B, and people of race C. I say “people of race A and race C are really smart!” The implication of course is that people of race B aren’t as smart. Of course, “You know, those Mexicans sure are a friendly people” isn’t really a racist statement in the first place, because it is more of a cultural observation. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2009, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000/40 "2009-03-20T16:01:49Z")
I don’t think so. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to. Nobody would think a 25 year old is an ageist for not dating 45 year olds, that a gay guy is sexist for not dating women, or even (and I say this as a Fat American) that somebody who’s lean and hot is shallow for not wanting to date somebody who’s majorly overweight. Nobody’s free from irrational prejudice of one kind or another, and while I think it’s an asshole who lets these cloud judgment in day to day interactions (The workplace, neighbors, etc.) I think romance is the one area of life where your prejudices _should_ have a vote, because it’s going to make a difference. Example from my own life: a co-worker has tried to set me up with a lawyer here in town who’s funny, cute, my age, and extremely nice and charming, and apparently liked me the couple of times we met. I have no interest whatever in the match because… he’s rich. (I don’t mean ‘successful lawyer upper middle class rich’ but from a “his family owns vacation homes in Italy and Bermuda and all his suits are tailor made in NYC twice a year” rich.) His wealth, most of it inherited, is actually touted as a selling point, but it’s what makes him unattractive because I’ll admit, I have an irrational prejudice against people who grew up rich- it’s not that I think they don’t have problems or that their childhoods were automatically happy (I know that’s not necessarily the case), but I also know that somebody who’s never had money troubles can’t relate to some of the most defining experiences of my own life and those of most of my friends. I know if we ever had an argument I’d use charges of elitism and spoiled-bratism against him (whether valid or not) and I’d always see this as an insurmountable barrier. For somebody with race prejudice, even if it’s of the “genteel” variety (i.e. would never be rude to a person of a particular race, but has some irrational prejudices), I think it’s a valid consideration in choosing a lover. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-racist-to-only-date-members-of-a-certain-racial-group/490000.md?page=3)