# Is it really so unusual to have never had a hug? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 8, 2017, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961 "2017-12-08T21:59:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/21 "2017-12-09T04:43:32Z")
I’m not a hugger, and it drove my mother crazy (especially when I was a child) that I didn’t run up and give hugs. Many of my sibs are more physically demonstrative. Mostly, even the idea of hugs sort of makes my skin crawl. When I see clingy kids who want to be _on_ their parents constant it makes me anxious even to think about. StG ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/22 "2017-12-09T05:38:05Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > My father never allowed displays of affection, so I was never hugged by family as a child. And, it turned out, I’m on the autistic spectrum. And I’m a very huggy adult. > > So where does that put me? Pretty normal I’d say. In this respect anyway 😉 My experience matches **RivkahChaya’s** - ASD folks can sometimes be very very huggy. And sometimes ultra-non-huggy. It’s all about the extremes, really. In the same way that both super-sensitive skin (princess and the pea syndrome) and super-insensitive are both ASD-diagnostic. Question for the nonhuggers in the thread - would you say that you’re more than usually tactilely sensitive? Because one of my theories about non-huggy ASD kids (which might apply generally) is that they are the ones very sensitive to the feel of things on their skin, and who have very tight standards for what feels “right”. If people in general tend to touch or hug the “wrong” way it’s easier to just give up on the whole thing as a bad job. To the OP … I would say it’s pretty unusual. But as long as you and your family are all okay with it, ain’t nobody else’s business. Just be prepared … if you ever have a kid, \*they \*might turn out to be a hugger, and then you’ll have to get some huggy friends for them. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/23 "2017-12-09T07:20:10Z")
I simply cannot imagine raising a child without hugging them. I’m not a hugger. Our family doesn’t hug much, my extended family doesn’t hug much. But how can a parent raise a child for at least the first few years without constant hugs, holding, carrying, etc? It simply does not compute for me. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/24 "2017-12-09T07:52:35Z")
A Finn? A Finnish person? You know, if you asked me to say which culture has the stereotype of being uncomfortable with hugs, it would be the Finnish. Otherwise, never is very strange. And I come from a non-hugging family. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/25 "2017-12-09T08:07:20Z")
> [@China\_Guy](#): > > I simply cannot imagine raising a child without hugging them. I’m not a hugger. Our family doesn’t hug much, my extended family doesn’t hug much. But how can a parent raise a child for at least the first few years without constant hugs, holding, carrying, etc? It simply does not compute for me. On the other hand, most people’s memories don’t go back much before age 3 or 4. And “I have never \” usually means “well, I don’t \*remember \*ever having…” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/26 "2017-12-09T10:29:09Z")
I hugged my Mom and Sister when I was young, and my girlfriends and ex-wife when we were together. I haven’t had a hug in years. I’d like one. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/27 "2017-12-09T10:57:52Z")
I feel for you, and other guys in this situation. It must be hard to be a huggy bloke, because it goes against the traditional masculine stereotype - a lot of your fellow blokes are scared of “looking gay” and women wonder if you’re hitting on them. Please accept this virtual hug anyway {{ **Spoons** }} Not quite the same, I know ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/28 "2017-12-09T14:23:57Z")
My gf’s family never hugged. Her mom explained to me that they were German, and Germans didn’t hug. OK, that’s cool. Then I once asked her mom if I could have a hug, since I wasn’t German and it would make me feel good. That started a whole hug-fest with relatives all hugging each other, though awkwardly. Ever since, we all hug, but joke about how it’s just because of kayaker. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/29 "2017-12-09T19:17:47Z")
My parents hugged me and when I see my brother and sisters we hug. We are not overly affectionate though. My husband’s family is a different story, very much into lots of hugs. Some of my friends and I hug, not just because we care about each other, but because it’s usually a long time between seeing each other. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2017, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/30 "2017-12-09T21:38:06Z")
I’m not understanding this “its not masculine to hug” thing. I’m not going to ask you for a hug out of the blue if I don’t know you well enough, but I hug, I’m not embarrassed or anything like that about it. Heck a guy I work with, a very Macho Latino, you hear me esé? and he is _very_ huggy. If we don’t hug at the start and end of the day, I wonder if he’s doin ok that day. ---
**Author:** ![Quimby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/22d042/32.png) [@Quimby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quimby)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/31 "2017-12-10T04:18:08Z")
If someone told me they have never once been hugged I would assume they must be mistaken and forgot at least one, that’s how strange it sounds to me. Not like hugs? Sure. There’s lots of people uncomfortable with physical contact but I venture a guess every one of them has been hugged. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/32 "2017-12-10T05:21:11Z")
Maybe loathing the warmth of human contact isn’t the most well adjusted outlook. > [@Aspidistra](#): > > It must be hard to be a huggy bloke, because it goes against the traditional masculine stereotype - a lot of your fellow blokes are scared of “looking gay” and women wonder if you’re hitting on them. [It’s not traditional.](https://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/29/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/) ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/33 "2017-12-10T08:43:59Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > I’m not understanding this “its not masculine to hug” thing. > I’m not going to ask you for a hug out of the blue if I don’t know you well enough, but I hug, I’m not embarrassed or anything like that about it. Heck a guy I work with, a very Macho Latino, you hear me esé? and he is _very_ huggy. If we don’t hug at the start and end of the day, I wonder if he’s doin ok that day. The most masculine interaction you can do is to go in for a handshake, then pull the other dude in for a backslapping manly hug. A mere handshake is neutral on the masculinity scale. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/34 "2017-12-10T11:48:18Z")
> [@China\_Guy](#): > > I simply cannot imagine raising a child without hugging them. . . But how can a parent raise a child for at least the first few years without constant hugs, holding, carrying, etc? It simply does not compute for me. Repeatedly research indicates that human cognitive development is closely tied to bonding as expressed through physical contact. (This may be why lack of hugging could be conflated with autism, though I would say that’s in error). And apparently, it’s not just about children, (as, for example, the elderly show more rapid mental decline with the absence of human touch and bonding). ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/35 "2017-12-10T13:15:52Z")
Japanese adults don’t hug in public. Little children are ok, but they often stop. When my ex-wife and I were leaving for the States for a year, I saw her father and her with the most physical contact I ever saw — they shook hands. In the more than 25 years I lived there, the only hugs I had with men were very close Western friends on occasions such as when they left to return home. My ex-wife saw me hug an American female friend and was convinced that something was up. One Japanese female friend had gone to the States for college and she would hug Western male friends. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2017, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/36 "2017-12-10T13:28:48Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > \My ex-wife saw me hug an American female friend and was convinced that something was up. One Japanese female friend had gone to the States for college and she would hug Western male friends. Hmm. My best guy friend and I will hug. As will my best gal friend and I. I hug some of my wifes frends too. Well technically they are my ‘wifes’ friends because I meet them through her but I’ve known them for 20 years. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/37 "2017-12-11T02:55:45Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > \ Please accept this virtual hug anyway > > {{ **Spoons** }} > > Not quite the same, I know It’s the thought that counts. Thanks, **Aspididtra**! ---
**Author:** ![StrTrkr777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@StrTrkr777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrTrkr777)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2017, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/38 "2017-12-11T20:38:16Z")
This one is also tough for me to fathom. Growing up in the south, hugging happened a lot. And being the son of a Southern Baptist preacher, I could not even count the times I have been hugged. My dad and I hug on occasion (special times like birthdays and Christmas and such). He hugs his grandchildren every time he sees them and when they leave). My mom hugs all of us whenever we get to her house and when we leave. I hug my nephews and neices whenever I see them. I hug my daughters most days (I kiss them on the forehead every night before they go to bed). At church, I do not generally hug any of the women, but I do close male friends. I have never hugged anyone at work other than a former co-worker that was visiting (and initiated). Of course I hug my wife often and for a multitude of reasons. My wife is a very touchy person, so she hugs everyone. Her middle sister almost never hugs (unless she has been given a gift). Hre mom is not very huggy. Her youngest sister is somewhat huggy, not as much as my wife, but more than the middle sister. My wife’s maternal grandmother was very huggy (I miss her hugs). I remember when our oldest was maybe 3 or 4, and I said “what is love” and she said “hugs”. Both my girls are very huggy. They cannot see their friends without hugging. Now I feel a hug need for hugs. Hugs for all who partake. {{{{{{{}}}}}}}} ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/39 "2017-12-12T02:06:20Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > I feel for you, and other guys in this situation. It must be hard to be a huggy bloke, because it goes against the traditional masculine stereotype - a lot of your fellow blokes are scared of “looking gay” and women wonder if you’re hitting on them. In my experience, hugs among guys is not exactly rare. It’s usually reserved for more “I haven’t seen you in such a long time!” or “Congratulations!” “Happy Birthday!” types of situations, but there’s nothing unmasculine about it. (And, as mentioned above, a lot of/most times it is the handshake-transition-into-hug type of hug.) But it’s perfectly usual, in my experience. As for women, I find that most women go to hug, even ones I barely know, in my line of work. (I work as a wedding photographer, and at the end of the night, the bride almost always gives me a hug when I say goodbye, and even when I work with other photographers, the women will generally give a hug when they say goodbye, even if its my first time working with them. But I also think this type of work probably draws people who are a bit more touchy-feely-emotional.) ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2017, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961/40 "2017-12-12T09:15:51Z")
Maybe somebody hugged me when I was a baby. If so, there aren’t any pictures of it. Bottle fed. The first time I hugged someone, I was sixteen. And I don’t think I got another chance until I was 28. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-really-so-unusual-to-have-never-had-a-hug/803961.md?page=3)