# Is it rude for me to ask my sister-in-law not to use my first name? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 5, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611 "2010-07-05T17:10:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/21 "2010-07-05T21:29:22Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I think you’ve been a little rude, but not in letting her know you don’t like being called Eustace. Where you went wrong is in not letting her know what you prefer to be called at some point in the previous 2 years. Especially if your brother introduced you as “my little brother.” I mean, if she knows your name is Eustace, and your dad calls you Eustace, how the hell is she supposed to know it’s a problem unless you tell her? By not giving her a heads up, you set her up to be embarrassed when you finally did correct her. Not not a huge deal, but also not very cool. CCL, I’m not kidding when I saw I’d never spent any time alone with her before. I can’t recall ever hearing her say my name before. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/22 "2010-07-06T00:21:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > CCL, I’m not kidding when I saw I’d never spent any time alone with her before. I can’t recall ever hearing her say my name before. So you’re saying that your family only addresses people directly when you’re alone together? Otherwise, I’m not seeing the relevance of the first sentence there. The second sentence is somewhat relevant, but it still should be addressed _before_ she sticks her foot in it by calling you something you hate being called. I mean, there was presumably a moment where someone stood with the two of you and said “SIL, this is Eustace/Clarence/Skaldipoo/Scrubb/my brother.” That’s the time to say, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, call me Scrubb.” Leaving her to sift through the mass of names the rest of the family uses for you on her own is, as I said, not a huge deal, but it would have been easier on her (and easier on you, as it would have avoided the fussing of your sisters) to have spared her the hassle of having to guess and guessing wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/23 "2010-07-06T00:22:20Z")
The only way it would be considered rude IMO is if you did this infront of a lot of people. Considering she’s your SIL and only has a basic grasp of english. I can see where your brother might of taken offense. It might of worked out better if you talk to him privately in order to relay the message. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/24 "2010-07-06T00:31:04Z")
My sister-in-law and I have the same first name, though we spell the diminutive differently…I go for the less usual version. A few years ago she mentioned to someone else that she prefers to be addressed by the formal version…but she has never said that to me (and this is one blunt woman) and my brother calls her by the even shorter form, so I do that too…that’s pretty much the only way people can distinguish which of us they are talking to or about. So I’m assuming that within the family, she doesn’t mind, but for outsiders she prefers the formal. Now here’s the bad part…I’m dating a man who has the same first name as my brother. And both of them use the shortest version of their name, and hate the other two versions, so we’ve had to adopt the English method of “my Mike” and “our Mike” in some situations. If we are ever all together in the same room the “Pam and Mike” thing will be a bit crazy (not our real names, btw). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/25 "2010-07-06T02:52:50Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > So you’re saying that your family only addresses people directly when you’re alone together? Otherwise, I’m not seeing the relevance of the first sentence there. The second sentence is somewhat relevant, but it still should be addressed _before_ she sticks her foot in it by calling you something you hate being called. > > I mean, there was presumably a moment where someone stood with the two of you and said “SIL, this is Eustace/Clarence/Skaldipoo/Scrubb/my brother.” That’s the time to say, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, call me Scrubb.” Leaving her to sift through the mass of names the rest of the family uses for you on her own is, as I said, not a huge deal, but it would have been easier on her (and easier on you, as it would have avoided the fussing of your sisters) to have spared her the hassle of having to guess and guessing wrong. I may have told her this before; I honestly don’t recall a specific instance, but I generally do. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/26 "2010-07-06T02:54:03Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > The only way it would be considered rude IMO is if you did this infront of a lot of people. Considering she’s your SIL and only has a basic grasp of english. I can see where your brother might of taken offense. > > It might of worked out better if you talk to him privately in order to relay the message. It wasn’t my brother who objected. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/27 "2010-07-06T03:05:30Z")
I accidentally voted “Yes, it was rude” when I meant “Yes, you should’ve corrected her because you have a right to be called by the name you’re comfortable with.” StG ---
**Author:** ![KinkiNipponTourist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e9bcb4/32.png) [@KinkiNipponTourist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KinkiNipponTourist)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/28 "2010-07-06T03:25:37Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > It was fine for you to make the request, particularly for someone who may not pick up on all the subtle clues English speakers use to soften such a correction. If someone was offended, they need to unknot their panties a little. seconded heartily. Yup. ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/29 "2010-07-06T03:41:55Z")
The sweetest sound in any language is someone’s own name - Dale Carnegie Also, there might be some ingroup/outgrup things with her being Korean, but she is married to an American (or non-Korean at least) now and is aware there are going to be different expectations She probably knows it is awkward but doesn’t realize the right thing to say. Let her know gently, it will be a funny story for each of you to share eventually when she is an old pro. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/30 "2010-07-06T04:56:16Z")
Perhaps it was a case in cross-cultural miscommunication? In most of East Asia one of the main goals of all social interaction is to avoid embarrassing any party- the dreaded “losing face.” Directly pointing out a faux-pas would be almost unthinkable. The culturally correct way to do this would be to talk to your brother-in-law, who could then talk to her in private where she will not be embarrassed or shamed by her mistake in front of others. Anyway, I don’t think what you did was rude, but maybe how you said it didn’t work. 'I really hate that name" might make me feel a little embarrassed. I’d probably leave that part out and simply say “Can I ask something of you? I prefer Scrubb to Eunice. Thanks!” If everyone in the family calls you “Eunice” I guess I can see how it’d be rude to single out Kang-ja. But if most people call you “Scrubb” it’s okay. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/31 "2010-07-06T05:28:44Z")
She probably called you that because she thinks it’s your name. Why does she think it’s your name? Because your brother uses it, most likely. (Another possible answer at the end.) Nobody in my family ever calls me by my first name. I’d bet most of them don’t even know it, as I’ve never used it. The only people who call me by my first name are people who are reading it off my driver’s license, and I don’t correct them, ever. If a family member called me that, I would be astounded that I was known by that name. That’s why I’m curious. Do you have it printed on a t-shirt or something? ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/32 "2010-07-06T05:36:19Z")
Sorry, answered the poll before reading your post. Doh. I voted Yes but it should have been “no, no and HELL no.” I have a first name that exists only on official documents. No one outside of the Dope has even guessed it from my first inital in about 2 decades. A colleague that I once had to share a hotel room with saw my passport and teased me about my first name. Funny, how you can revert back to 3rd grade and instinctively know you have to just beat the shit out of the bully to make him stop… 'nuff said. sister in law from Korea was probably mortified that she made a faux pas unless you handled it with charm. And judging from your posts, I think you probably did charm her. If you didn’t, next time you meet her, you should patiently explain you know that no malice was meant, but you’d really appreciate her calling you Scrubb or whatever. You could also make sure that she likes being called Kang-ja. You never know, she might want to be called something completely different and American like Jane. YMMV, at least I, in international multicultural environments when I was speaking a non native language, ALWAYS appreciated when someone didn’t beat around the bush or be polite (which if I didn’t follow clearly could lead to exacerbated situations). But actually said “please call me x, I hate y.” ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/33 "2010-07-06T09:20:25Z")
In English, people introduce themselves by saying “my name is Skald.” In Spanish, we use “I call myself Skald.” Does that mean I need to call my name to realize I’m thinking to myself? No, it means it’s the name I think when I put a name on “me”; it is the name I’m best at answering to. The only people who call me Maria are foreigners and cold-callers, and if the interaction with the foreigner will last longer than “OK, you may enter the country now” I do correct them. My name is not Maria, yours is not Eustace. ETA: some of the Chinese students we had at uni this last year had chosen European names; some decided to stick by their Chinese names; some had started with the Chinese ones and then chose an European name. This last group had no problem at all directly saying “actually, I now prefer to be called Flora. Please call me Flora! Thank you!” ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/34 "2010-07-06T09:47:30Z")
You could have a real shocker like Cecil or something. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/35 "2010-07-06T10:24:04Z")
I voted no, it was appropriate. And as an aside, on _Lost_ I always wondered why Sawyer didn’t plug Locke for prissily calling him “James” all the time. If someone introduces himself as “X” and avoids what you learn to be his real name “Y,” you can bet he has a reason. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/36 "2010-07-06T10:29:11Z")
Here’s how it works for me. Tell me I say it in a way you don’t like right away, because when I finally do remember your name without it taking me hours, that is the name I will always say. It takes me a couple of weeks to learn a person’s name and I can only work on a couple people at a time. I still may forget your name after being able to say it for years. Correct the person right away or you may be permanently Eustace. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/37 "2010-07-06T10:48:00Z")
Expressing your preference is not rude at all, but there is a rude way to do it and a polite way to do it. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/38 "2010-07-06T10:53:23Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > > [@Skald the Rhymer\[/quote](#): > > > > I’ve never gotten it changed legally, either. > > Why not? I can’t speak for Skald, but my experience as someone who changed my name is that there’s always some jerk who, upon finding out you have done this, will dig and dig and dig and if he finds out what your original name was will INSIST on calling you by that and loudly making a point to everyone around that that is your REAL name… even if it isn’t any longer. THOSE are the rude people. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/39 "2010-07-06T10:58:45Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > THOSE are the rude people. AKA arseholes. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-for-me-to-ask-my-sister-in-law-not-to-use-my-first-name/545611/40 "2010-07-06T11:21:05Z")
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