# Is it rude to go to a wedding without a gift? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 12, 2015, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222 "2015-12-12T01:30:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/21 "2015-12-12T12:36:04Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > It seems to me this is more your wife’s problem, since everyone who offended you came from her side of the family. > > If it doesn’t bother her, don’t let it bother you. The above is very important. Yes, your wife’s relatives were rude. However if you let this turn into permanent resentment, then both you and your wife will be unhappy. I know it’s difficult to do, but celebrate your lovely marriage and let go of your resentment. P.S. I know how tough it can be to do this - after a nasty practical joke, I harboured a grudge for over 20 years. :eek: It did me no good at all, but finally I’ve let go. And I’m happier for it. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/22 "2015-12-12T12:44:55Z")
Since the OP is asking for opinions, I’ll move this over to IMHO. **Mod Hat Off** Rules of etiquette aside, yeah, your inlaws sound rude. Congrats on your wedding and try not to let it negatively color your wedding memories. You’re now married, so it’s time to assume all financial obligations belong to you and your wife. If other people help, that’s nice, but you two are the responsible parties in your own life now. Again, congrats! ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/23 "2015-12-12T12:51:45Z")
Not giving a gift is unusual, but not at all rude. It’s your job to assume there is some good reason for it. They sound rude otherwise, however, but what are you going to do? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/24 "2015-12-12T13:26:59Z")
Like almost every social convention, giving gifts means different things to different people. Clearly, to you, it’s a crucial part of the social convention, an essential means of conveying respect and appreciation and approval. For others, it’s much, much less important. My MOTHER didn’t give me a wedding present and rarely gives me a Christmas gift–but she’s insanely generous with her time and money in all ways. She just doesn’t think in “gifts”. A lot of my family is like that (I am also like that, for what it’s worth). Basically, there are two options–either they look at gifts as you do, in which case it was a deliberate slap, or they don’t, in which case you need to accept them as they are. Which do you think this was? Was it malicious? ---
**Author:** ![nicky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f0a364/32.png) [@nicky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicky)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/25 "2015-12-12T14:12:50Z")
Its rude but the OP would be more righteous to focus on the lateness…and the overall dont-give-a-shit-ness. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/26 "2015-12-12T14:38:06Z")
> [@BigBlue](#): > > The OP didn’t ask it it was required, he asked if it was rude. > > The answer is: yes, it is rude to go to a wedding empty-handed. No, it isn’t. It’s rude not to send a gift, but nothing says you have to tote it to the wedding with you. In fact, I was taught that only rubes take gifts to the wedding itself. Properly, one mails the gift to the bride’s home. As with so much etiquette, “rules” have loosened. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/27 "2015-12-12T14:58:43Z")
Your wife’s family sounds like a bunch of assholes. But, you married her, not them. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/28 "2015-12-12T15:06:35Z")
What is rude is expecting your guests to pay your bills. A wedding is a celebration, not a cash grab. If you can’t afford a wedding, go to city hall (that’s what I did.) ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/29 "2015-12-12T16:41:36Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > The “travelling” comment was about you complaining about your wife’s family going to Florida after not buying you gifts. > > I think you’re being rude in being indignant about not being given gifts. Nobody owes you anything for getting married. The dowry thing is way, way out of date in this country. Okay, you have it tough- not much money, not much stuff, can’t have kids… but that doesn’t mean anybody owes you presents, even your wife’s family. Study hard, graduate and get a great job that pays well, and buy your own stuff. You’ll appreciate it more that way, anyway. I know nobody is owning me anything, I really don’t care about the gifts, it’s about the fact that nobody appreciated what we did. And the other thing is, if they weren’t planning on giving anything they could’ve just been honest and said it, not telling me how they’re going to give us so much and then pretending nothing happened. I don’t know how about you but I was raised and told by my parents that it is extremely rude to go to somebody’s party/wedding/or even just go over to their house without bringing anything. I am studying hard, and we are doing everything on our own but people are trying to out us down instead, and don’t do anything for us but they require that we will do stuff for them. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/30 "2015-12-12T16:43:42Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Did they say they were coming and then not show up, or did they not say anything? They said they are not coming because they live in different states but they wanted official invitations anyway just to have them. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/31 "2015-12-12T16:54:53Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Or, if they have set up a bridal list, just pick it up at the store where it’s held: you pay for it and earmark it but don’t actually take it, the store will deliver everything. > > I think your in-laws are rude, but not for the gifts thing (the couple have no right to expect gifts, or to expect a specific gift size), for other things. For getting there late, for making excuses some of which sound believable and others no way. But it’s going to be healthier both for your stomach and your relationship if you can file this under “Planet In-laws” and toss it over your shoulder than if you keep picking at it. > > And if you’re living with your sister, your in-laws are even right in that a lot of the gifts that one would give at a wedding do not make sense. The gifts are traditionally not for the couple, but for the household. Linens, furniture, appliances. You don’t need them now, you will need them in five years. > > Re. the adoption: you’re both female, and both infertile? There are other venues open, unless you’re both male or both infertile - adoption is not the only one. And if you want to be part of one or more children’s lives, you may want to consider becoming foster parents, either “instead” or as possibly part of adoption. I agree, we should just forget about it but it’s hard. My father-in-law didn’t even come to the wedding (he lives in Florida and we are in NY) but my wife was still silently hoping he’ll come because she was his first, and probably the only daughter that was getting married. Yes, we are. But none of us wants to physically carry a baby, honestly call me crazy but this terrifies me, and I have hormonal problems all the time so it would be extremely hard for my body to even keep the pregnancy. Yes, we consider becoming a foster family as well because there is so many children out there that need home and love. Thank you for your help. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/32 "2015-12-12T17:15:48Z")
> [@j666](#): > > You don’t really care about the gifts, do you? > > I get the feeling it’s just the most easily verbalized sign of disrespect. Yeah, you’re right, they didn’t treat you well, and unless your wife has been married at least twice before (not too likely at 22), it was pretty rude to give no token of their best wishes. > > (Unless you really do care only about the gifts, in which case they’ve got your number, but I’ve no reason to believe that.) You perfectly described the situation. I don’t care about the gifts, I’d be equally happy if they gave us $50 as they gave $500. It’s not about who gave how much but who gave anything. If I wanted to just have fun with people that won’t give us anything I’d go to a bar and told everyone I just got married and partied with strangers, but I actually wanted to to it nice and classy. I think my wife was afraid that this is gonna end up like this because she just wanted a dinner at home after the ceremony instead having a reception. On top of everything one little fact: my mother in law called my sister first to tell her that they both should organize a wedding for us (my sister did’t even want any help from my in-laws in the first place). My mother-in-law said that she wants to cover half of the expenses. After my sister found a place, made a list of guests, found out how much it’s going to cost my mother in-law was avoiding her because she realized she didn’t have money for it. And I wasn’t mad that she she didn’t want to pay, I was mad that she acting like she can, and afterwards backed up. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/33 "2015-12-12T17:18:30Z")
> [@D\_Anconia](#): > > Perhaps you weren’t quite ready to get married, then. You didn’t understand… We would have to pay these fees either way, they were for immigration purposes. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/34 "2015-12-12T17:20:25Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > What does this have to do with the wedding, and what country is this? This doesn’t have anything to do with our wedding, I just try to show you guys how my family reacts when we talk about our expenses. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/35 "2015-12-12T17:22:35Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > To the OP. It’s none of my business, but are you a same sex couple? Is that the reason adoption would be necessary for a baby? You mentioned not wanting to be a bridezilla, and your new spouse is your wife. Is it possible that your wife’s side of the family is, how shall it be said, disapproving? Yes, we are a same sex couple. My wife’s family knew about our relationship for a long time. They were treating us perfectly normal, and were super happy that we were getting married so I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/36 "2015-12-12T17:29:59Z")
> [@glee](#): > > The above is very important. > > Yes, your wife’s relatives were rude. > However if you let this turn into permanent resentment, then both you and your wife will be unhappy. > I know it’s difficult to do, but celebrate your lovely marriage and let go of your resentment. > > P.S. I know how tough it can be to do this - after a nasty practical joke, I harboured a grudge for over 20 years. :eek: > It did me no good at all, but finally I’ve let go. And I’m happier for it. 🆒 Thank you, you are right. I try not to think about it but sometimes it comes back naturally. For example: couple weeks ago my wife’s aunt (invited to the wedding but didn’t come) put $50 for my wife towards a sympathy gift for one family member. I had to drive at 2am with my wife to ATM so she could deposit a check, and send the money back to her aunt imediately because if not she’d be making stupid comments. But the same time this woman won’t shut up about how much money she’s making smh :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/37 "2015-12-12T17:31:14Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Since the OP is asking for opinions, I’ll move this over to IMHO. > > **Mod Hat Off** > > Rules of etiquette aside, yeah, your inlaws sound rude. Congrats on your wedding and try not to let it negatively color your wedding memories. You’re now married, so it’s time to assume all financial obligations belong to you and your wife. If other people help, that’s nice, but you two are the responsible parties in your own life now. > > Again, congrats! You are right. Thank you! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/38 "2015-12-12T17:33:40Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Not giving a gift is unusual, but not at all rude. It’s your job to assume there is some good reason for it. > > They sound rude otherwise, however, but what are you going to do? I would understand one person but the whole family? I just can’t understand it… ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/39 "2015-12-12T17:41:11Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Like almost every social convention, giving gifts means different things to different people. Clearly, to you, it’s a crucial part of the social convention, an essential means of conveying respect and appreciation and approval. For others, it’s much, much less important. My MOTHER didn’t give me a wedding present and rarely gives me a Christmas gift–but she’s insanely generous with her time and money in all ways. She just doesn’t think in “gifts”. A lot of my family is like that (I am also like that, for what it’s worth). > > Basically, there are two options–either they look at gifts as you do, in which case it was a deliberate slap, or they don’t, in which case you need to accept them as they are. Which do you think this was? Was it malicious? You are probably right they just don’t look at gifts the way I do. I was raised that you have to bring a gift when you’re invited to a birthday party/wedding especially. So for example, I feel extremely uncomfortable when somebody gives me a gift for Christmas and I don’t have anything for them because I didn’t know they were coming. My wife’s family talks to us regularly so I don’t think they didn’t give us a gift on purpose. I just can’t understand why they were talking about it so much, and after all started pretending nothing ever happened. ---
**Author:** ![Ana12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/41988e/32.png) [@Ana12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ana12)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2015, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222/40 "2015-12-12T17:44:35Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > No, it isn’t. > > It’s rude not to send a gift, but nothing says you have to tote it to the wedding with you. In fact, I was taught that only rubes take gifts to the wedding itself. Properly, one mails the gift to the bride’s home. > > As with so much etiquette, “rules” have loosened. I know what you mean but we didn’t have a registry because we don’t have our own apartment yet, and as i said we won’t in the next 5 years. So our gifts were cards with checks/cash inside. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-rude-to-go-to-a-wedding-without-a-gift/740222.md?page=3)