# Is it silly to reach out after 40 years, out of the blue, to send an apology? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2020, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554 "2020-10-22T02:04:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/61 "2020-10-23T13:54:15Z")
I have a younger brother who as a little kid (age 12 or so IIRC) was ripped off for $20 by another kid. I forgot the details, but basically the guy owed him $20 and didn’t pay up, despite many attempts to collect, until my brother gave up. 10-15 years later, the guy looked up my brother and wanted to pay up the $20. He was getting married and in an introspective mood and wanted to start married life with a clean slate, or something like that. My brother didn’t want to take the money. (I forget if he didn’t take it, or if he did take it and was annoyed about it.) His point was that back when this guy ripped him off he was a little kid and $20 meant a lot to him. Now when the guy was coming to pay him back, he was in a completely different situation, and $20 was pocket change. Paying him back now did zilch for him in terms of erasing the pain the guy caused him back then. It was 100% about the guy wanting to have a good feeling about himself. My brother didn’t see that he owed this guy to help him have a good feeling about himself. ETA: not that my brother was still worked up about the issue or anything. He had long moved past it. But to the extent that the guy wanted to raise the issue again, he was annoyed about it. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/62 "2020-10-23T13:57:51Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > An important part of the 12-Step system in Alcoholics Anonymous is making amends to anyone you have harmed. You need to make a list and then actually make amends…whatever that may be (an apology or more…up to you to figure out). > > That said, they are crystal clear that you should NOT do this if doing so might injure the other person (emotionally). If your apology helps both parties then great. Go for it. If the other person wants no part of it then walk away. Here’s a [thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-the-recipient-of-making-amends/750470) full of stories from people who wish the person making amends had just left them alone. The person wishing to make “amends” is honestly the worst person on Earth to judge if they’d be welcome or not. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/63 "2020-10-23T14:31:52Z")
> [@Mundane\_Super\_Hero](#): > > Who was it up above who said to write out a letter long-hand, burn it, and then scatter the ashes while wishing her well…? That’s good advice. This is good advice. To the extent you need to forgive yourself, and move on, this can be very helpful. > [@madmonk28](#): > > Like I said, if you have some guilt for which you want to atone, then make a charitable contribution to a cause connected to the bad behavior. If you (for the sake of an example) kicked her dog, give some money to an animal shelter and move on. Leave her alone. And this is also great advice. There are all sorts of things we do that we can’t ever repay. Some are hurts we inflict on others, and some are just gifts we accept from others. When I was married, we were given all sorts of valuable-to-us things from people we knew we would never be in a position to repay. So we decided to pay it forward, and we have been very generous in wedding gifts since we became financially able to do that. The same is true of emotional wounds. You can’t fix the hurt you did to her. Either she healed on her own or she didn’t, but it’s far too late for you to possibly help her with that. BUT, you may be able to help someone else, who has recently been hurt by someone like you. That imposes no burden on anyone, and may make the world a better place. Maybe you can give money to a shelter, or volunteer in some way, or… ---
**Author:** ![PlaceboTarget](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/placebotarget/32/1073_2.png) [@PlaceboTarget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlaceboTarget)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/64 "2020-10-23T14:34:50Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > And this is also great advice. I concur. I found these two pieces of advice the best. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/65 "2020-10-23T14:34:58Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > Here’s a [thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-the-recipient-of-making-amends/750470) full of stories from people … Jeez. Everything really has all been done before. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/66 "2020-10-23T17:04:52Z")
Thank you again, everyone, and it is clear that I should just leave it in the past. I’ll have to learn not to have the feelings rise up when I hear that song again. Thanks for all your help! ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/67 "2020-10-23T17:07:30Z")
Exactly. Just be normal. Learn to stuff those feelings down deep inside and develop an ulcer, like everyone else. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/68 "2020-10-23T18:37:41Z")
Or let those feelings rise up and …ready for a wild idea?.. deal with them. I can’t tell you how many times I think of an ex. Luckily, I’m good friends with them, but I still have guilt over how I broke up with one, or why I didn’t treat another better. I’ve learned to feel those feelings, but deal with them rationally. In other words, I rationally talk to myself and mention the fact that they’re better off with their current spouses, and that it’s a safe bet they aren’t obsessing over this as much as I am (because _no one_ would be… except maybe **Bullitt** 🙂). ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2020, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/69 "2020-10-23T19:14:57Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Or let those feelings rise up and …ready for a wild idea?.. deal with them. Oh, so you think you’re better than me, is that it? 😜 ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/70 "2020-10-24T04:12:14Z")
> [@carrps](#): > > I think he was interested in hooking up – I wasn’t – so nothing came of it. [Wedding Crashers](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0396269/) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/71 "2020-10-24T15:46:36Z")
I think it would feel funny to try to fall asleep without kicking yourself over something for 30 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/72 "2020-10-24T16:03:44Z")
I feel the OP is misguided in believing what he needs/wants is her forgiveness for his transgression, whatever it may amount to. The forgiveness he is really seeking needs to come from himself. But, of course, a surprise apology for a 40yr old error, will most likely produce an instant, ‘no worries’ response, sincere or otherwise. Almost a given whatever her feelings may actually be. An overtly easier hill to climb, than forgiving himself for whatever ill he perpetrated. It’s easy for her to forgive because chances are she’s moved on, long, long ago. In retrospect there’s a chance she, like most people, would choose to see him as simply, inept, immature, a poor dating choice, a life lesson to get past, old news. Whereas he has to struggle with the reality that maybe those are inaccurate, and the truth a little darker in nature. That’s a much harder ‘forgive’, definitely. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/73 "2020-10-24T16:26:39Z")
> [@Whack-a-Mole](#): > > I think it would feel funny to try to fall asleep without kicking yourself over something for 30 minutes. For some people, it’s the only daily exercise they get. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/74 "2020-10-24T17:11:18Z")
Speaking as a therapist, I think y’all underestimate the meaningfulness for both parties of an apology for past wrongs. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/75 "2020-10-24T17:15:12Z")
> [@susan](#): > > Speaking as a therapist, I think y’all underestimate the meaningfulness for both parties of an apology for past wrongs. An apology not looked for 40 years later? I’m all for apologies given for a wrong done a few minutes/days ago. ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/76 "2020-10-24T17:35:13Z")
> [@susan](#): > > Speaking as a therapist, I think y’all underestimate the meaningfulness for both parties of an apology for past wrongs. From COLLEGE?? 40 years ago? Hell no. I think your professional opinion is just wrong. You learn from relationship screw ups. They hurt. But digging them up again after 40 years, hell no. ---
**Author:** ![carrps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carrps/32/2957_2.png) [@carrps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrps)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/77 "2020-10-24T18:39:32Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > > [@carrps](#): > > > > I think he was interested in hooking up – I wasn’t – so nothing came of it. > > [Wedding Crashers](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0396269/) 🙂 Nah. I looked him up in my yearbook later. He was there. I just had no memory of him. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/78 "2020-10-24T18:53:15Z")
> [@susan](#): > > Speaking as a therapist, I think y’all underestimate the meaningfulness for both parties of an apology for past wrongs. Speaking as a therapist, what is your opinion about the reason/motive(s) someone would decide to drag this up from 40 fathoms below? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/79 "2020-10-24T19:05:45Z")
> [@dalej42](#): > > They really have moved on from a college fling by now. There’s millions of relationships that don’t last in college for a variety of reasons. I dunno. My best guy friend in high school abandoned me without explanation in college and it ended badly when I tried to reach out to him six years later. The problem is I still have to hear about him. My friends and even my Aunt all socialize with him occasionally and now my best friend is making movies with him. I don’t think about him _often_ but when I do, I feel hurt and anger (and shame for my own mistakes.) This is a friendship that ended 20 years ago. And I do wish he would apologize. It’s a vulnerable age, and sometimes things stick with you. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2020, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554/80 "2020-10-24T19:09:28Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > The problem is I still have to hear about him. My friends and even my Aunt all socialize with him occasionally and now my best friend is making movies with him. Well, that’s the difference, isn’t it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-silly-to-reach-out-after-40-years-out-of-the-blue-to-send-an-apology/923554.md?page=5)