# Is it strange to be creeped out by the idea of butlers/maids/nannies? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 30, 2012, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117 "2012-08-30T07:11:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/21 "2012-08-30T13:46:58Z")
I’d love to be able to afford part-time housekeeper and gardeners, but the rest gets silly. Clean the joint twice a week, and take care of the yahd weekly. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/22 "2012-08-30T14:24:00Z")
The idea does kind of weird me out, but I suppose if your house is big enough it’s unavoidable. And when you are a certain level of rich, entertaining and networking in your mansion is part of your business. I guess you could have a smaller residential house on the same property that you take care of and sleep in, and a separate entertaining/guest & amenities (pool, gym, dining hall) structure that you hire others to take care of. Or you could just hire friends and have an entourage instead. But as life gets complicated and everyone is more specialized it may become unavoidable. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/23 "2012-08-30T15:08:04Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![iftheresaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecae2f/32.png) [@iftheresaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iftheresaway)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/24 "2012-08-30T15:58:26Z")
> [@Kiyoshi](#): > > Nannies, on the other hand…I don’t understand why you would bother having children, if you were just going to dump them with a nanny, and have no part in their upbringing. Paying someone to look after your children implies that they’re just another chore. > > (I’m not talking about parents who send their children to nursery while they’re at work, by the way. I’m talking about situations like the OP, where the mother is choosing not to look after the child.) I have a nanny. It happens to be my mom, and she works for free and doesn’t live with us, but nonetheless I have someone caring for my child while I work. Why is that different from sending my son to daycare? I work from home, so I’d much rather have him here where I can pop downstairs and give him a kiss (as I just did about 20 minutes ago) than away in a nursery somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/25 "2012-08-30T16:01:00Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I guess I’d be ok with it as long as they don’t come in my bedroom. I remember reading about some butlers or maids saying they didn’t think anything was going on sexually between some famous married couple because there were no semen stains on the sheets. :eek:The idea of someone seeing my laundry and noting semen stains is the perfect example of why this idea creeps me out o…my…god. Have you ever stayed in a hotel? ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/26 "2012-08-30T16:21:02Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Now if I could hire a housekeeper to come in and clean the house and do laundry - only when I’m not home, that might work for me. Cooks? I’m not so sure. Maybe a steady supply of plated meals, from someone nearby, delivered to my fridge, very early every morning, give them a key. Between eating out and ordering in, I suspect I could muddle through quite well. > > Of course I would over pay them, give them great benefits, and help their kids through college, because I am filthy rich! You know you don’t have to be filthy rich to afford a housecleaner every other week and a personal chef to bring three meals a week, right? You only have to be moderately well off (and I don’t mean Mitt Romney’s style of “moderately well off” I mean, “do you have $300 you could afford to spend on something you could totally live without?”) ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/27 "2012-08-30T16:26:48Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Have you ever stayed in a hotel? I don’t see that that’s in any way similar. When you stay in a hotel, you don’t know who the housekeeper is, you probably don’t even see them, and if you do it’ll likely be a different one each time. If they see the map of Africa you left on the sheets, who cares? It’s a different story if it’s your regular housekeeper, employed by you, who you see and speak to on a regular basis. At least, it would be for me. (Hell, even in a hotel, if I’ve made a mess (not that kind!) I’ll try and clean it up a bit before the maid has to deal with it…) ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/28 "2012-08-30T16:38:34Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Have you ever stayed in a hotel? Ex-motel maid here. Trust me, the housekeepers really don’t care what the guests do as long as they don’t trash the place. We rarely SEE the guests, who remain faceless strangers in 99%+ of cases. Different from someone you know personally seeing your sheets. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/29 "2012-08-30T16:47:45Z")
> [@Kiyoshi](#): > > Nannies, on the other hand…I don’t understand why you would bother having children, if you were just going to dump them with a nanny, and have no part in their upbringing. Paying someone to look after your children implies that they’re just another chore. > > (I’m not talking about parents who send their children to nursery while they’re at work, by the way. I’m talking about situations like the OP, where the mother is choosing not to look after the child.) I wondered about this too, but after I had a baby I realized it was INCREDIBLE to have another pair of hands (attached to an adult responsible brain) to get through the day. For me, that’s often my mom. I am super lucky that she is retired and loves spending time with her granddaughter. Days when we have grandma are awesome days. But if someone doesn’t have a family member willing and able to take on a role like this, why NOT hire someone? The other thing I never thought about until someone brought it up is that I think some mothers (in the income bracket of those who can afford nannies) would like to have a nanny a few days a week, but it is more fair to the nanny to offer full-time employment. Or share with another family, which I have heard of some people doing. I know we’ve all seen the stereotype of the mom yakking on her cell phone while a poor nanny struggles with a screaming toddler, but some people are going to be bad parents whether or not they have a nanny. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/30 "2012-08-30T16:59:01Z")
They’re not bestest chums, nor are they looked-down-upon ‘help’. Depending on the person, they’re somewhere between the two, because they’re _employees_. We have a full-time nanny, but our experience is a bit non-standard–we work from home. We did a live-in but found that her weekends off were so much more relaxing that we chose to go the day-route. No matter how small a footprint, we were always left maintaining just a shred of decorum. Our second nanny got married and moved several states away, but still stays in touch, sends the Dudeling loot, stops by when she’s in town, etc. Current nanny is great, but there’s no substantial social component. The gardeners we’ve had are a bit more detached. Kind of like having a good acquaintance that shares a hobby. Since there’s such an aesthetic/design component, it’s natural that you’d hire someone that you get along with. But they’re outside most of the time, so there isn’t much opportunity for more socialization than casual conversation. When we do spend time in the garden while they’re working, we’re usually working as well, so pretty absorbed. The gardener’s helper is about the most tenuous connection. No disdain nor attempt to be all BFFs; just this guy who weeds/mows/chops/lifts/etc. We got to know and be friendly with the last couple–but we were smokers regularly going outside for a break. As for houskeeping/cleaning, there are a few things we’re private about and do ourselves. So no, I don’t think it’s completely strange to be creeped out by the idea of someone, but it’s really not that different or that alien from employing people in an office. There are IT folk, janitorial staff, secretaries, etc. It’s good to be as friendly as possible, but you can’t expect them to want to be chummy with you, nor can you expect to be interested in them as much as you are in your regular friends. Or if you’ve never supervised anyone, think of it like a restaurant. Sure, there are plenty of times when you’re on such the same wavelength with the waitstaff that they’re great company, but for the most part they glide in and out of your monkeysphere. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/31 "2012-08-30T17:15:07Z")
One of my very best friends – perhaps my best friend – is our gardener. We go out together, we hang out, we share all kinds of personal stuff. She does the gardening because she has a gardening service, is very knowledgeable, enjoys it, I am so allergic I’d have hands swollen up like baseball mitts if I even planted a seed, and I know nothing about gardening anyway. We pay her for her time and then go on with our friendship. The gardening takes up about 1% of our relationship. I would love to have someone to clean for me, so I wouldn’t have to deal with household cleaners and chemicals, and also just so I wouldn’t have to do it. But a “maid” to bring me things and serve me food, no. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/32 "2012-08-30T17:27:07Z")
While watching some period dramas I’ve thought a little bit about this. Seems like a Lady’s Maid or a valet gets right up close and personal in ways that I think would make me uneasy as someone not brought up with someone else dressing me. Nannies are a different matter - in the “children should be seen and not heard” model, yes it’s a little weird. I did work for some years in a very affluent community, and rode the same train as many of the nannies. And yes, we criticized a lot of those moms for having nannies just so they could schedule their tennis lessons and mani-pedis without concern for their children. I don’t think that every modern family with a nanny or au pair is letting a stranger raise their children. Until about thirty years ago there were always at least three generations of my family living together, and I think that was pretty common. Granted, a nanny isn’t a grandma, but help is help and I’d have welcomed it if it were possible. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/33 "2012-08-30T17:50:30Z")
We have housecleaners come in every couple of weeks. We sacrifice the same amount of money most households spend on entertainment (cable, XM radio, i-bullshit) to save ourselves from having to scrub floors and mop toilets (as well as from having to argue over who has to scrub floors and mop toilets). Frankly, if you have any money at all and don’t hire your house cleaned, you should have your head examined. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/34 "2012-08-30T18:12:55Z")
I couldn’t have anyone living with us or even with us all day - a once a week cleaning person would be about all I could stand. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/35 "2012-08-30T18:20:58Z")
For the last 6 years we’ve had a nanny who comes 4 days week in the afternoons to take care of our school-aged children (pick up after school, supervise homework, drive to activities, start their dinner etc.). I work from home 2 of those days. Over the 6 years we’ve had 4 different people work for us. I LOVE having a young woman around the house to help out. She is clearly there to focus on and take care of the children and that is the only thing in her job description, but each of them have voluntarily done some really light housework - dishes or sweeping the floor etc. I was terribly sick for a couple of weeks this spring and the current nanny completely picked up the slack and went way above and beyond to keep the house from completely falling to pieces. The funny thing is that they all also have the habit of hanging around a bit even when off the clock. They’ll sit and chat with me for up to an hour even when I’m home after work and they are done for the day. They’ll offer to come help out at the kids birthday parties, or will (very occasionally) come to a soccer game or school play. They are paid, and we all know it. We give raises, paid vacation, and holiday bonuses. But it becomes a personal relationship anyway. I think part of it is that there isn’t a class difference. These are middle class women - some who even have parents who make way more money than we do. They are doing this as their college job instead of working in a coffee shop or something. So while the relationship is paid, we are still peers in terms of class, which makes the personal relationship more equal. With a new one there is a few months of getting adjusted, but we don’t particularly edit or modify what we do or talk about in front of them any more than with other people who we know well and spend a bunch of time around. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/36 "2012-08-30T19:22:14Z")
We hired someone to come in and to the heavy cleaning. At first, I was a little weirded out by someone being in my house when I wasn’t but now I don’t care. I go to work in the morning and when I come home PRESTO the house is clean. Totally worth any squick I might have. As for nannies, I think people have it in their mind that the nanny takes care of the kids all the time. This isn’t true for the families I know who have a nanny. Most of them just take care of the kids for work hours or after school until the parents get home (to a hot meal, wouldn’t that be nice). Then the parents take over. If I were to suddenly be blessed with enough money to do it, my kids would totally get to walk home from school to their own house and nanny and then get to go out and play. Instead they are trapped like caged animals in one of the crappy after school programs in our city. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/37 "2012-08-30T19:38:30Z")
Agreed. If money were no object, I’d hire people to come in and clean the place up every week or two, but having live-in help would just be too much loss of privacy even if I intellectually knew that they aren’t paying attention and don’t care about anything other than doing their jobs. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/38 "2012-08-30T19:54:00Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > One of my very best friends – perhaps my best friend – is our gardener. We go out together, we hang out, we share all kinds of personal stuff. She does the gardening because she has a gardening service, is very knowledgeable, enjoys it, I am so allergic I’d have hands swollen up like baseball mitts if I even planted a seed, and I know nothing about gardening anyway. We pay her for her time and then go on with our friendship. The gardening takes up about 1% of our relationship. That’s totally different than being friends with your maid though (not saying you think it isn’t, just saying). Your friend is a small business owner and you’re one of presumably many clients and you’re probably not in drastically different socioeconomic classes. You’re not paying her entire salary just so she can do the gardening for the gigantic yard of your huge mansion fulltime. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/39 "2012-08-30T20:08:34Z")
I would definitely have a problem with lack of privacy. A maid once a week would be great, but I don’t think I’d like a live-in anything. Also, it seems wrong to me to watch someone else work and not pitch in to help myself. So I’d have to get over that I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/40 "2012-08-30T20:33:32Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I totally understand that middle class people have domestic help in Indonesia and other parts of the world, but here in our middle class, domestic help is temporary or intermittent. In India, menial labor is so cheap that the poor have servants. At least, when I was there about 25 years ago, and I stayed with a poor urban family, they had a servant who came from a deeper level of poverty. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117.md?page=3)