# Is it strange to be creeped out by the idea of butlers/maids/nannies? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 30, 2012, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117 "2012-08-30T07:11:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![FlyingRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/59ef9b/32.png) [@FlyingRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRat)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/41 "2012-08-30T20:47:13Z")
When we lived in Thailand, we had a housekeeper who would come in 3 days a week to do cleaning and laundry, and also cook meals for us if asked (she had other families she would work for the rest of the time). She was fantastic-- doubly so because in the “expats abroad” situation it was _really_ helpful to have someone on-call to assist in getting stuff done through the language barrier. I miss her. That said, it was still kind of weird and awkward to have someone in our space in that capacity, and I find myself second-guessing whether the formality of the relationship was more my doing or hers. Now, we have a cleaning service that comes every two weeks to do the major house-cleaning tasks, and we take care of our own laundry/cooking/picking up our crap, which works out fine. ---
**Author:** ![RedFury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ec9cab/32.png) [@RedFury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedFury)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/42 "2012-08-30T21:31:53Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I’m by no means rich, and we have a daily nanny/maid (not live-in), and before she retired last year, we had a domestic maid two days a week. You don’t have to be _extraordinarily_ rich to afford it here, though. Just middle class… Pretty much my situation here in the Dom Rep. I live alone and have a lady that comes in three times a week to take care of the cleaning, laundry & oftentimes will cook me a meal as well – just need to ask. That said, 20 years ago and before I had a live-in maid (and a substitute for the weekends). That’s just not happening anymore – not so much because of the expenditure, though it figures into it) but because I value my privacy too much. And it is human nature to speak about your “goings-on” more than not. In short, I like my life private, and tough I really appreciate the help, there are limits to everything. BTW, as **Dibble** says, I really don’t care to make it a “class thing.” I’ve recently helped her in a rather complicated goiter surgery and visited both at the hospital and her home. ---
**Author:** ![Kevbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e47774/32.png) [@Kevbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kevbo)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/43 "2012-08-30T21:35:47Z")
A house keeper would be nice. I’d also like to have sort of like the “hired hand” a farmer or rancher would have. Pretty much just somebody to help me do stuff that needs an extra pair of hands, not so much as to do it for me. I guess he’d need to do some stuff on his own to keep busy when he wasn’t helping me though. He’d also need to be smart like Jeeves to warn me off doing stupid shit. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/44 "2012-08-30T21:39:16Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > While watching some period dramas I’ve thought a little bit about this. Seems like a Lady’s Maid or a valet gets right up close and personal in ways that I think would make me uneasy as someone not brought up with someone else dressing me. > > Nannies are a different matter - in the “children should be seen and not heard” model, yes it’s a little weird. I did work for some years in a very affluent community, and rode the same train as many of the nannies. And yes, we criticized a lot of those moms for having nannies just so they could schedule their tennis lessons and mani-pedis without concern for their children. > > I don’t think that every modern family with a nanny or au pair is letting a stranger raise their children. Until about thirty years ago there were always at least three generations of my family living together, and I think that was pretty common. Granted, a nanny isn’t a grandma, but help is help and I’d have welcomed it if it were possible. Heh, we had a live-in nanny for a few years who was also a distant relation of my wife’s from Ukraine. It was very much like renting a grandmother (she was an older lady). 😃 It worked very well for us. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/45 "2012-08-30T22:06:09Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > As for nannies, I think people have it in their mind that the nanny takes care of the kids all the time. This isn’t true for the families I know who have a nanny. Most of them just take care of the kids for work hours or after school until the parents get home (to a hot meal, wouldn’t that be nice). Then the parents take over. Good point. I’d call that a babysitter, not a nanny. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/46 "2012-08-30T22:24:44Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Good point. I’d call that a babysitter, not a nanny. I debate that myself because “does the afterschool stuff” describes our situation perfectly. But does a “babysitter” take care of your kids for many hours a day, many days of the week and sometimes is the same person for a couple of years? To my mind babysitter is more like the person who comes so you can go to a movie Saturday night. A nanny is more there all the time and long-term. ::shrug:: maybe a different third term is needed. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2012, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/47 "2012-08-30T22:34:04Z")
I’m not particularly rich, but I have a housekeeper come buy once a month. It’s all about specialization of labor. I am good at the thing that I do at work, and I’m not particularly good at cleaning. She has the skills, materials and motivation to do a thorough job cleaning. Everyone benefits from the trade. If I had a child, I’d certainly consider a nanny. Childcare in my area runs $250+ a week. If you have multiple kids, a nanny might even be more affordable. A setup I’ve seen pretty often is offering a free room to a college student in exchange for limited childcare and light housekeeping. I don’t think a nanny would usually follow a parent around- my guess would be that the mother was headed to work or someplace else, and the nanny was headed some other direction, and they probably decided to run that one errand together. My housekeeper comes by when I am at work. I don’t find it awkward. Housekeepers have a lot of clients. They aren’t going to be spending a lot of mental energy thinking about your personal life. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/48 "2012-08-31T18:14:02Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > You should read Orwell’s 1984, it’s a good book. > Your view on this is so rosy and unrealistic that I’m surprised you _aren’t_ super rich old money. > > And Jesus, obviously I’m not saying you’d be a more worthwhile human being than them, but your socioeconomic levels would be so vastly different–to the point where you’re paying them _their entire income_ just so you don’t have to clean your own toilets–that you’d never be friends. You might make friendly small talk, but that’s a world away from being actual friends. And her point is that there’s no reason that has to be so. If you won’t be friends with someone because of their class you are a bigot, even if it’s the poor person who won’t hang out with the rich person who wants to be friends with them. She’s not being naive, she’s expecting the best out of people, rather than being cynical and assuming every human being is a bigot. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/49 "2012-08-31T21:17:02Z")
We have a (part-time shared) nanny. It may be relevant to the OP that I feel very weird and class-self-conscious about telling people we have a nanny – I tend to tell people she’s the “babysitter.” (The nanny herself is very proud of being a nanny and has more than once opined on how what she does is much better than babysitting. “A babysitter just sits and watches the kids. A nanny does things with the kids and teaches them things.” And it’s true she’s pretty amazing with the Little One.) We’re friends. (We were actually mildly friends before she became our nanny.) She knows about my issues with my mom. I know about the problems her family is having with her sister. Recently she had a scare where she thought she had lice and she asked me to pick through her hair with a nit comb, which I did. I defy _anyone_ to say she doesn’t think we’re friends… either that, or ask _your_ employer to pick through your hair with a nit comb. So it’s possible! However, I’m not going to say there isn’t a weird dynamic – where my child and house are concerned, she has to follow my orders (well, if she wants to keep her livelihood). So there’s definitely a power-disparity thing going on. I don’t think we’d be friends if she weren’t such an open, generous person who wants to be friends with everyone and who doesn’t seem to hold it against me that I hold economic power over her (it probably helps that she trusts me not to screw her financially and that I’ve bent over backwards to be a generous and reasonable employer). ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/50 "2012-08-31T21:24:04Z")
Missed the edit window. On socioeconomic classes: The socioeconomic classes of our nanny and us, while not as different as they could be, are different enough that my husband and I really had our eyes opened to a lot of things we had never considered before and a lot of assumptions we’ve always made that don’t hold true for her and her family. However, the difference in class doesn’t mean she’s not nice / good at her job / willing to bond with another person over a small child they both love, nor does it mean I’m not those things either. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/51 "2012-08-31T21:40:34Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > If I had the money I’d hire some specialized person to do each different thing. They wouldn’t be “beneath me” OR “guests” in my home. They would be co-horts in the machinations (is that a word?) of my daily life. I would pay them more than well but we’d know that’s not what it’s about; a lasting work relationship would be based on respect and an understanding between us. I would dance with the cook and make the gardener my child’s godfather. I would attend their childrens’ graduations and they could help me cope with a family death. Our lives/families/histories would be meshed to make stronger stock of us all. > > If I were a rich man > > . Those people might not be interested in being that intimate with you. That would be their work, and you’d be their boss. There’s no reason to assume they would want you to treat them like family or to relate with you as they’d do with a friend. I can easily imagine the following conversation : “You know the last of that weird guy I’m working for, the one who was dancing with the puzzled cook the other day? He wants me to be his child’s godfather :rolleyes:” You’re talking about friends, here, not hired help (and you probably wouldn’t lack friends if you were rich) ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2012, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/52 "2012-08-31T21:43:01Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > Yeah, that wouldn’t work at all. Would you be paying them enough of a salary that they would mix in the same social circles as you? And if so, why would they want to carry on washing your underwear or cooking your breakfast? Because of the absurdly high salary they wouldn’t get anymore if they stopped working for the poster. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/53 "2012-09-01T00:32:39Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > And her point is that there’s no reason that has to be so. If you won’t be friends with someone because of their class you are a bigot, even if it’s the poor person who won’t hang out with the rich person who wants to be friends with them. > > She’s not being naive, she’s expecting the best out of people, rather than being cynical and assuming every human being is a bigot. And my point is that yes, it does have to be that way. A super rich person who expects the person who cleans their pubic hair out of their toilet to be their BFF is an out-of-touch idiot; the other person is not a bigot any more than everyone in the entire world is a bigot. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/54 "2012-09-01T00:44:12Z")
When our youngest was a baby my wife taught at a school for nannies, who lived with a family and got room and board in return for childcare, working full time as a kind of final exam at the end of the term. It wasn’t the most thrilling thing in my life, but given the benefits it was ok. My wife actually was in charge of placing them, so we got some good ones. We still are in touch with some of them 25 years later. However, they didn’t get into your stuff. When I lived in Africa my family, like all “Europeans,” had a guy who came in, did cleaning, and who cooked the midday big meal. He was great, but he also went home at night. I’m not sure I could stand the people cleaning for pay also living with me. Plus, I really prefer to do things myself. At least until I become too feeble to. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/55 "2012-09-01T03:45:14Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > And my point is that yes, it does have to be that way. A super rich person who expects the person who cleans their pubic hair out of their toilet to be their BFF is an out-of-touch idiot; the other person is not a bigot any more than everyone in the entire world is a bigot. Wow. Is it moi? Thanks for the pinch-hit, **BigT.** Friends come from all different places and there are different levels of friendship. I think it’s nicer all around, as other posters have said, when people can come to feel comfortable with each other. And I think I would pick up on it if somebody didn’t want to be friendly. I don’t think it would be in the job description. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117/56 "2012-09-01T04:00:14Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > Wow. Is it moi? Sorry, I wasn’t trying to call you an idiot, since you’re not actually in that position. Maybe if you were, you’d realize that it just wasn’t going to be that type of relationship. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-strange-to-be-creeped-out-by-the-idea-of-butlers-maids-nannies/633117.md?page=2)