# Is it wrong for 15-year olds to be sexually active? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 23, 2011, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553 "2011-10-23T17:16:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/61 "2011-10-23T23:24:11Z")
Tell her that she can’t have sex with her girlfriend because she might get pregnant. Hey, it’s worth a try. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/62 "2011-10-23T23:26:04Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > So you’re willing to (attempt to) deny your daughter her right to happiness because it makes you “uncomfortable”? And you know that she’s just going to do it behind your back and resent the hell out of you for it, right? No, I’m asking my daughter to respect my opinion that sex at her age has implications that I do not believe she can fully appreciate at this stage of her life (her specifically, not all 15-year olds necessarily, despite the title of the OP). Maybe she will respect that, maybe she won’t–we’re in the early stages of a dialogue on the subject. And she may well go behind my back and do it anyway. I’m hoping that I can better explain my reasoning to her so that she can at least make a relatively informed decision. If her happiness depends on sex, then her mother and I have already failed her. Maybe that’s the case, but I doubt it. As best as we can tell, she’s a pretty happy kid in all other aspects of her life. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/63 "2011-10-23T23:34:14Z")
There’s one big issue here that hasn’t really been mentioned. The girlfriend presumably has parents of her own. What’s their position on all of this? Are her parents aware their daughter is in a relationship with your daughter? Are they even aware their daughter is gay/bisexual and sexually active? Were they aware of these things when their daughter came to visit your home? What were the rules they gave to their daughter? ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/64 "2011-10-23T23:34:32Z")
**I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp** , you also have the option of teaching your daughter how to deal with sex and relationships in a more emotionally prudent manner. That is if you think you daughter is intelligent enough to be able to benefit from such a lesson. This would be the obvious solution to other “maturity” related issues such as watching R-rated movies, drinking, or driving. If you believe a child can drive responsibly then there should be no problem with allowing her to drive. Likewise with sex, if you don’t believe your child can have sex responsibly, then you shouldn’t let her have sex. If you can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t be able to handle sex with emotional maturity, then your other choices are: 1. STDs. 2. Might be illegal (although I’m not too clear on what crime the minor would be committing). 3. You’re uncomfortable with children having sex in your house. 4. You’re uncomfortable with children being on their own, overnight, anywhere other than your house. I think these four reasons are enough justification for your policy if you can’t think of how sex would effect your daughter emotionally. As for her emotional response to sex, I don’t know how you can predict that she will respond to sex in a healthy manner. If you can, then you know your daughter better than I knew a few of my ex-girlfriends. I would just tell her that teenagers are notoriously bad at dealing with sex with emotional maturity, and that even though you are not certain how she’ll handle it, you are not comfortable with taking that risk. ---
**Author:** ![raskolnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e47c2d/32.png) [@raskolnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raskolnik)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/65 "2011-10-23T23:35:36Z")
-I had no experience with women until university, so I was 19. I still liked GI Joes at 14. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/66 "2011-10-23T23:40:22Z")
> [@treis](#): > > You have the wrong view of how a parent/child relationship works. It seems like your idea is that you lay down the rules, child agrees to them, and child follows them. Like you’re writing a computer program, and everything should happen according to those rules. Your child, and every child in the history of the world, sees it like a POW/Prison relationship. A POW is expected to try and escape, and will do everything possible to get out. So the thought process is Dad says no to A, I lie and agree to that, and then do my best to do A without him finding out. It’s not an intent to hurt or be disrespectful. That’s just how the game is played. I recognize how the situation might appear that way, but I fully recognize the nature of the relationship. This isn’t about expecting her to blindly follow the rules–nobody’s _that_ good at 15. I say I was surprised about her actions in this case because we’ve had several open and candid discussions about sex, including some very recently. And she has always maintained that she’s had no interest in it. We all knew that would change at some point, but there was very little warning before it did. That’s all I meant. > [@](#): > > You need to look at this from a different perspective. The issue isn’t really whether you should forbid her from having sex. The issue is how capable are you of enforcing that decree, and is it worth it. So let’s look at your power in this situation objectively. She’s 15. Presumably she goes to school, hangs out with friends, does activities, and even goes to summer camp. Unless you lock these down and treat her like a high risk prisoner, she’s going to have sex if she wants to. If you try to stop her, it will make life miserable for the both of you. Right now, her sole sexual interest (as far as I know, admittedly) is in a girl that lives several hours away. They have no current plans to get together, so we have some time in which to have our dialogue on why I think becoming sexually active is a bad choice. At the moment, though, I’m just trying to come to terms with my own thoughts on the issue so that I can articulate them to her. It may help or it may not. > [@](#): > > One of the talents that I claim to hold is seeing the outcome of a situation before it happens, and being willing to accept that outcome without pointless fighting. And my read of the situation is that you are beat. Badly. You have no effective moral or logical argument, and your ability to enforce the decree is virtually zero. What that means is that there are two outcomes: > > (1) Daughter sneaks around and has sex behind your back. Occasionally you catch her, punish her, and cause a big fight. > > (2) Accept that daughter is going to have sex. Sanction it, and give the best guidance you can. > > In both scenarios daughter is having sex. In scenario (2) she has adults she can talk to about it, a safe place to have sex, and you can monitor the situation to see if intervention is required. As noted above, because of the circumstances we’re in, I don’t believe she’s having sex _right now_. And isn’t inclined to have sex until she gets together with her girlfriend at some as-yet-undefined point in the future. If they were in the same town, or if she were not in what appears to be a committed relationship with someone who lives several hours away, it would be a more pressing issue. I do accept that my daughter will eventually have sex. I’m just hoping that I can convince her to wait, at least a little while. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/67 "2011-10-23T23:44:44Z")
Short answer, Nothing. COnsidering the nature of her realtionship you should simply have a reasonable discussion about sex not equating to love and leave it alone. If she feels she’s old enough, she is. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/68 "2011-10-23T23:49:13Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > There’s one big issue here that hasn’t really been mentioned. The girlfriend presumably has parents of her own. What’s their position on all of this? Are her parents aware their daughter is in a relationship with your daughter? Are they even aware their daughter is gay/bisexual and sexually active? Were they aware of these things when their daughter came to visit your home? What were the rules they gave to their daughter? Her parents are aware of the relationship and are supportive of it. Prior to the visit, I explained to them the rules we set for our daughter, but I do not know what rules they set for their own daughter. We have talked–very briefly–about my daughter sneaking into the basement bedroom (and then only because we wanted to make sure they understood why my daughter was on restricted privileges, which have the side effect of impacting her communications with their daughter–it’s limited, but not prohibited). They were surprised by the incident because they thought the relationship was, in their words, “sweet and innocent.” But I do not know what, if anything they have said or done with their daughter in response. (We haven’t asked them to say or do anything.) They claim to understand and respect the actions we’ve taken with regard to our daughter, though, for breaking the terms of the agreement for the visit. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/69 "2011-10-23T23:59:07Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > **I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp** , you also have the option of teaching your daughter how to deal with sex and relationships in a more emotionally prudent manner. That is if you think you daughter is intelligent enough to be able to benefit from such a lesson. > > This would be the obvious solution to other “maturity” related issues such as watching R-rated movies, drinking, or driving. If you believe a child can drive responsibly then there should be no problem with allowing her to drive. I think she’s intelligent enough to have those discussions and we’ve had several in the past. But her explanation for breaking the bedroom rule in this instance was that she just got caught up in the emotions of having her girlfriend in the house, so I think even she recognizes that sex, or at least the prospect of it, was having an impact on her thought processes (big shocker, I know–in other news, I can confirm that water is wet). > [@](#): > > Likewise with sex, if you don’t believe your child can have sex responsibly, then you shouldn’t let her have sex. If you can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t be able to handle sex with emotional maturity, then your other choices are: > > 1. STDs. > 2. Might be illegal (although I’m not too clear on what crime the minor would be committing). > 3. You’re uncomfortable with children having sex in your house. > 4. You’re uncomfortable with children being on their own, overnight, anywhere other than your house. > > I think these four reasons are enough justification for your policy if you can’t think of how sex would effect your daughter emotionally. > > As for her emotional response to sex, I don’t know how you can predict that she will respond to sex in a healthy manner. If you can, then you know your daughter better than I knew a few of my ex-girlfriends. I would just tell her that teenagers are notoriously bad at dealing with sex with emotional maturity, and that even though you are not certain how she’ll handle it, you are not comfortable with taking that risk. This is all very helpful. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/70 "2011-10-24T00:03:06Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Short answer, Nothing. COnsidering the nature of her realtionship you should simply have a reasonable discussion about sex not equating to love and leave it alone. If she feels she’s old enough, she is. I appreciate the response, but can’t get on board with the reasoning. In my own past, I felt old enough to do certain things that I very clearly wasn’t. Drinking is probably the best example; sex is clearly another and the two were often related. There were a few close calls in college where I was fortunate not to walk away with a disease or a child, and I was a good three to five years older at those times than my daughter is now. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/71 "2011-10-24T00:07:51Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > If only diseases were the only thing about sex that could go wrong!! There would be vaccinations for broken hearts, depression and the pain of unrequited lust. > It is rare the fifteen year-old who can responsibly handle all those things when they’re caught up in excitement and infatuation; her lying to you is a clear indicator she isn’t one who can. That’s why it’s wrong for your daughter (and most) fifteen year-olds to be sexually active. Not a thing about her is physically matured, her bones haven’t even hardened fully; it’s bizarre to think of someone that age being sexually active. > Prime indicator - she thinks she’s impervious to disease, as though sexually transmitted diseases know there’s no penis there. Another very good point, sorry I missed it earlier. She does seem to believe that there are no physical risks. Being a teenager, however, with the usual teenager’s invulnerability complex, she doesn’t seem to accept that even when we explain it to her, because she’s sure it won’t happen to her. That’s part of the reason we’re exploring the non-physical risks, to find something she can understand and appreciate. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/72 "2011-10-24T00:22:00Z")
I wouldn’t take the ‘going behind your back’ personally. One can have the BEST relationship with one’s parents, and STILL not want them involved in one’s sex life. It’s the one area that involves her, and her alone. Well, and whoever she’s with. But to expect anyone…much less a teenager trying on wings…to get permission before experimenting in an area so personal, not to mention so beset with hormones, is futile, I believe. The ‘sex!=love’ talk is great, give her the tools to protect herself, and continue to emphasis that there are times and places for physical relations which do not include “right now and under your roof.” But don’t take it as a sign that something else is going on. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/73 "2011-10-24T00:29:09Z")
If she knows her GF hasn’t been with other people, she’s as correct as any of us in trusting monogamous relationships that ‘STDs aren’t a risk’, no? ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/74 "2011-10-24T00:33:15Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > If she knows her GF hasn’t been with other people, she’s as correct as any of us in trusting monogamous relationships that ‘STDs aren’t a risk’, no? Perhaps, but I don’t see how she can know her girlfriend hasn’t been with other people. She’s two years older, lives several hours away in a different state, and they only met each other for the first time this summer. Even if everything else was the same, but they’d known each other for longer, I’d feel more confident about my daughter’s ability to judge whether her girlfriend was being honest about her sexual history. ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/75 "2011-10-24T00:37:39Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > I wouldn’t take the ‘going behind your back’ personally. One can have the BEST relationship with one’s parents, and STILL not want them involved in one’s sex life. It’s the one area that involves her, and her alone. Well, and whoever she’s with. But to expect anyone…much less a teenager trying on wings…to get permission before experimenting in an area so personal, not to mention so beset with hormones, is futile, I believe. The ‘sex!=love’ talk is great, give her the tools to protect herself, and continue to emphasis that there are times and places for physical relations which do not include “right now and under your roof.” But don’t take it as a sign that something else is going on. I’m really not too worried that other stuff is going on. And I know that it’s an awkward situation. But there has been a breach in trust that’s going to take some time to repair. That’s unfortunate, but unavoidable, at least in my case. ---
**Author:** ![race4space](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@race4space](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/race4space)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/76 "2011-10-24T00:54:57Z")
Did I read this right, you are quite ok with your daughter sleeping with another girl, just not when she is below sixteen. chill out, its not like she is going to get pregnant. try and get your feet on planet earth. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/77 "2011-10-24T01:13:48Z")
What would the various ramifications be if you were to simply refuse further same-house accomodation (not that I am recommending it)? ---
**Author:** ![Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Ian\_D.Bergkamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ian_D.Bergkamp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/78 "2011-10-24T01:19:12Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > What would the various ramifications be if you were to simply refuse further same-house accomodation (not that I am recommending it)? I’m not sure. I think they’ll accept it grudgingly for any visits in the near future (_i.e._, girlfriend can visit, but must stay in a hotel). But long-term, I suspect they’d view it as an attempt to keep them apart on a broader level, creating a situation that they perceive as them-against-us. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/79 "2011-10-24T01:55:39Z")
Kids fall in love and fall out of love, with great emotion. By having relationships as teenagers, hopefully they learn enough that by the time they are young adults, they can handle the ups and downs of relationships, and make better decisions. If kids do not have the opportunity to fall in and out of love when they are still teenagers, it is possible that they may not have the skill set to deal with it once they are young adults, and make some very bad decisions. That suggests to me that the question should not be “is she ready for sex” but rather “is she ready to start learning the ups and downs of sexual relationships, knowing that she needs to learn this in her teens but also knowing that she will take some hard knocks along the way?” ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553/80 "2011-10-24T03:32:09Z")
> [@I'm Not Dennis Bergkamp](#): > > As noted above, because of the circumstances we’re in, I don’t believe she’s having sex _right now_. And isn’t inclined to have sex until she gets together with her girlfriend at some as-yet-undefined point in the future. If they were in the same town, or if she were not in what appears to be a committed relationship with someone who lives several hours away, it would be a more pressing issue. > > I do accept that my daughter will eventually have sex. I’m just hoping that I can convince her to wait, at least a little while. So, your daughter met this girl at summer camp, and spent several weeks/months with her. A couple months after the camp, she comes for a visit, and you catch them together in her room. You really, really think that was their first sexual encounter? And come on with the STD risk. She’s not picking up hobos at the local biker bar. She’s having lesbian sex with a girl she met at summer camp. The chance of her catching a STD is essentially zero. More importantly, that risk isn’t going to change as she gets older. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-for-15-year-olds-to-be-sexually-active/600553.md?page=5)