# Is it wrong to regret bringing a life into this world?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [October 15, 2016, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617 "2016-10-15T17:28:25Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/21 "2016-10-16T02:06:21Z")
It would depend. I have heard that kind of thought from parents of children who had short and painful lives and understood to some degree. From parents of perfectly healthy children commenting more on the state of the universe in general, I wouldn’t understand so well.
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/22 "2016-10-16T02:10:15Z")
> [@Sattua](#):
>
> Why does everyone think I’m a man? I’m a woman.
I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never goof that up again. :smack::o
In my (weak) defense I did say I wasn’t sure. And you were one of my “maybes.” Some people’s writing stands out (at least to me) as strongly gendered. Others don’t unless they’re explicitly discussing their plumbing or using he/she pronouns about their spouse. But even that latter is rapidly getting less reliably informative.
In general one of the things I like about the SDMB is so many people are somewhere between gender ambiguous and gender immaterial. What shape they are isn’t shouting at you and coloring how you perceive what you read. It’s refreshing. It also shines a harsh light on how much assumptions about gender roles and gender in-groups influence how the audience interprets our various messages.
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### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/23 "2016-10-16T02:18:46Z")
OK, I’m asking because I recently read this AskReddit thread that solicited “I-Regret-Having-My-Severely-Disabled-Child” stories. I was impressed that there weren’t a whole lot of posts shaming people for their feelings, since one often encounters “feeling shaming” elsewhere on the internet.
Then it occurred to me how much it must really suck not being able to vent certain negative feelings in real life without facing condemnation. We can speak of regretting friendships, marriage, and career paths. But regretting bringing another human being into the world is something you can never talk about out loud. Not without being accused of being “selfish” and “unloving”, at the very least.
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### Author:  [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/24 "2016-10-16T04:11:30Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never goof that up again. :smack::o
Nah, don’t worry about it. My internet gender-dar is severely broken. I carried on a several-months-long internet chit-chat with a member of another message board, thinking said member must be a middle-aged lady, possibly in England. Turned out to be a gay cowboy in Montana :smack:
> [@monstro](#):
>
> Then it occurred to me how much it must really suck not being able to vent certain negative feelings in real life without facing condemnation. We can speak of regretting friendships, marriage, and career paths. But regretting bringing another human being into the world is something you can never talk about out loud. Not without being accused of being “selfish” and “unloving”, at the very least.
Yes, it is frustrating. And as a parent, if you are a normally functioning human being, you’re often pulled in two directions: on the one hand you can’t believe that you have to put up with so much unbelievable shit on a daily basis and shouldn’t you at least be able to vent?!?!?!
But on the other hand, the child is helpless, adorable, and depends on you. And in most cases, loves you to the moon and back, as you love them. Not having an outlet to vent is almost eclipsed by the guilt you feel the instant you \*do \*vent. And though I haven’t raised a disabled child, I imagine that situation only magnifies the dissonance.
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### Author:  [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/25 "2016-10-16T04:23:07Z")
> [@Sattua](#):
>
> My internet gender-dar is severely broken. I carried on a several-months-long internet chit-chat with a member of another message board, thinking said member must be a middle-aged lady, possibly in England. Turned out to be a gay cowboy in Montana :smack:
I hate it when that happens. I once thought a middle-aged lady in Manchester was a gay cowboy. It all fell apart when I asked her if she had ever entered a rodeo, and she said “Pardon?”
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### Author:  [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/26 "2016-10-16T04:27:37Z")
Unless I have reason to believe that there is gross malevolence, it is not my business to second-guess what any person might feel regret for, when following his conscience. It is terribly saddening that there are so many people who do not see it that way.
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### Author:  [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/27 "2016-10-16T04:37:19Z")
I think honesty with oneself (and confidantes) is a good step on the way to acceptance of whatever hard situation that parent is facing. It’s hard to say without context, but I don’t think I would judge. Especially because I don’t believe people can control their feelings or thoughts.
If the parent expressed that to their child, though, I would be appalled.
I was born when my Mom was 19 and she was never equipped to be a parent. She has always gone on and on about what a ‘‘gift’’ I was when she wasn’t flipping her shit, but one day it finally came out, ‘‘I wish you’d never been born!’’
By that point it was so obvious I was just thinking, ''No shit?"
She wants to believe I was a ‘‘gift’’ but I brought out the worst parts of her and we both knew it. My existence made her a worse person. All I am is a constant reminder of her trauma and her own personal fuckups.
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### Author:  [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/28 "2016-10-16T11:32:10Z")
> [@WhyNot](#):
>
> I can’t say as I really understand the suggestion that regret is something that can be/ should be wrong. Regret just _is_. Yes, it could be a sign that something is really wrong, or it could be a temporary rough patch, or it could be a selfish parent, or it could be an abusive parent. Good examples of all of those have been given. But in any of those cases, regret is not wrong. It’s appropriate, in fact. It’s a warning sign, perhaps, but it’s never _wrong_.
>
> I have two really great, pretty easy kids, and there are still days I kinda regret having them.
Despite the title, the sentiment within the OP is not necessarily one of _regret_.
> [@Tzigone](#):
>
> I do think there is a difference between wishing a child had never been born and wishing you’d never had children. … in the first case the focus is on the child, the wish is about the child, and while I feel like the latter is statement about oneself.
Yes. I think this is a ~huge~ distinction. In practice it could be the difference between giving a child up for adoption, and neglecting or torturing them.
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### Author:  [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/29 "2016-10-16T11:41:17Z")
Er, except, I guess it’s sometimes hard to say which is which in a short statement.
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### Author:  [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/30 "2016-10-16T12:34:28Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> If someone confessed to you that they wish their child had never been born, what do you think your would your emotional reaction be?
>
> Is such an opinion always abhorrent?
A lot depends on context, as already noted by others. A severely disabled child, a horrific accident, finding out your kid is a serial killer and cannibal… there are a number of circumstances that could lead a person to express such a sentiment.
Hell, just one of those horrible times when everyone in the family is sick to the point of vomiting, you haven’t slept yourself but you have puked a few times, and a kid just messed his bed, his pants, and the path to the toilet and now you have to clean it up - sure, transitory regret is understandable when you’re sleep-deprived, sick, and having to clean up yet another mess. Anyone who claims parenthood is all giggles and rainbows is lying.
And, yes, we all know about people who shouldn’t have had kids who are abusive, but I suspect it’s an outlier.
> [@Peremensoe](#):
>
> OK, not _always_. But in most cases, where it is functionally a rationale for abuse and murder?
I don’t think that \*most \*people expressing regrets about parenthood or a particular child are using it as “a rationale for abuse and murder”. I think those particular instances stand out, though, because child abuse is such an emotionally charged issue.
> [@Sattua](#):
>
> Why does everyone think I’m a man? I’m a woman.
I get that a lot, too, on the internet - it’s probably your writing style.
> [@monstro](#):
>
> OK, I’m asking because I recently read this AskReddit thread that solicited “I-Regret-Having-My-Severely-Disabled-Child” stories. I was impressed that there weren’t a whole lot of posts shaming people for their feelings, since one often encounters “feeling shaming” elsewhere on the internet.
>
> Then it occurred to me how much it must really suck not being able to vent certain negative feelings in real life without facing condemnation. We can speak of regretting friendships, marriage, and career paths. But regretting bringing another human being into the world is something you can never talk about out loud. Not without being accused of being “selfish” and “unloving”, at the very least.
Oh, don’t you know - having a “severely disabled child” is supposed to be a GIFT and teach you _so much_ about generosity and life and — pardon me, I think just threw up a bit in my mouth. Such glurge usually regurgitated by people who don’t have to deal with said severely disabled child on a day-to-day basis.
If a person can find something positive in a situation involving disability that’s marvelous but disability itself usually sucks. Adding the fears that disability brings - fears of discrimination, abuse, harm of various sorts, social problems, etc. - to the normal fears any parent has about their kids just heaps more crap on the parent. Not to mention the financial burdens that occur at least in the US (and probably other places), the impact on other children who might have a lower standard of living due to costs imposed by disability or who might feel neglected because the disabled child requires so much attention, and so on, and so forth…
Well, yeah, such people need a safe spot to vent. Because under such circumstances it’s _normal_ to have dark thoughts, regrets, or the like from time to time, even if 99% of the time they love that kid to pieces and are happy to have the kid around.
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/31 "2016-10-16T12:43:12Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> If someone confessed to you that they wish their child had never been born, what do you think your would your emotional reaction be?
>
> Is such an opinion always abhorrent?
John Wayne Gacey, Hitler & Al Capone say “No.”
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### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/32 "2016-10-16T12:49:18Z")
> [@WhyNot](#):
>
> I can’t say as I really understand the suggestion that regret is something that can be/ should be wrong. Regret just _is_. Yes, it could be a sign that something is really wrong, or it could be a temporary rough patch, or it could be a selfish parent, or it could be an abusive parent. Good examples of all of those have been given. But in any of those cases, regret is not wrong. It’s appropriate, in fact. It’s a warning sign, perhaps, but it’s never _wrong_.
>
> I have two really great, pretty easy kids, and there are still days I kinda regret having them. Those are bad days, and I know they’re temporary, and that the feeling will pass…but I also know it will return. Yes, it’s often linked to my depression flaring, although lately it’s been a bit more of an existential crisis as the current state of our nation has me literally fearful for my children’s future in a nation of deplorables. My regret in no way extends to wanting to end their lives to fix my…mistake?..don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I do regret bringing them into a world of suffering and hate. They deserve better.
Yep. I feel the same with my two. My son has had a rough teenage patch. My daughter has been cursed with my depression/anxiety and is in the midst of teen angst. Some days are fun. Others are hard. Some are hard for me. Some are hard for them. The world seems to be in a not terribly stable state and I worry about their futures.
And my depression/anxiety is heavily tied to the existential state of the world - so I’m figuratively in a little emotional ball under my desk most days anyway.
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### Author:  [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/33 "2016-10-16T20:14:03Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> The world does not need more humans. Despite the Pope’s ancient ideas. But it could use better human beings.
Perzactly.
_My problem is I went to Catholic Schools for 12 years._
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [October 16, 2016, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/34 "2016-10-16T20:19:04Z")
Depending on context, my reaction could be anywhere from, “Who cares if your kid’s gay? Get over it, you asshole!” to “That’s completely understandable, Mrs. Hitler.”
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### Author:  [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/35 "2016-10-17T03:53:52Z")
I didn’t read the entire thread, because, well, it looked kinda longish and I don’wanna!
I have 4 boys ranging in age from 25 to 7 years of age.
For the last nearly thirty years there have been days I’ve wished I’d never had kids. Sometimes it was because I was tired/had a bad day/whatever and that was all on me. Sometimes it was because I look at the amount and variety of evil in the world and wonder how the hell I could think myself righteous enough to expose a small innocent to all that. These thoughts are things I’ve never ever said to any of my children, ever. I do not recall ever thinking that I wished I’d never had kids because of what the child was or was not doing, nor can I ever think of anything they would do (well maybe not factually true, but emotionally true) that would ever make me think that way. I … pity … the parental units that are damaged in a manner that would cause them to think that way. (If my child turned out to be a socially deviant personality type person who was not but a parasite on society I might be factually convince to regret bringing them into the world.)
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### Author:  [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/36 "2016-10-17T03:58:59Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#):
>
> I always knew, just **knew** I did not want children. I knew it in the same way that I knew I did not want to be a ballerina. Just no kids, period.
>
> Of course, I was always told I would change my mind. Like I had no idea what I was talking about when considering a most basic part of my nature.
> Now I’m in my fifties, no kids, and am I glad I knew enough about myself to trust my instincts.
>
> I think that a lot of people really don’t want kids. Unfortunately, some of them have them anyway, and don’t dare voice any regrets.
I’m pushing 60 now and have never regretted my decision not to have children. Same with the wife, who is mid-50s.
My mother never tired of “confessing” to me that she wished her kid – me – had never been born, and she was pretty abhorrent in general.
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### Author:  [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/37 "2016-10-17T04:13:38Z")
I’m waiting for ZPGZealot before I get into this quagmire.
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### Author:  [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/38 "2016-10-17T06:30:15Z")
I have no idea how my mother deals with her regrets. The oldest brother completely cut her (and us) out of his life for a couple of decades. The youngest is homeless and an untreated bipolar.
One of my older sisters was the result of spousal rape and my mother just didn’t love her as much as her other children. That sister has had a particularly rough road, even by the standards of my family.
My former BIL’s younger brother had a severely handicapped child and while they never told us directly, there were hints of it.
We have been fortunate that our children have been pretty good and no real problems. The only time I had regrets was in the middle of deep depression. Of course the kids are still young and so there’s plenty of time to develop regrets as we go along.
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### Author:  [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/39 "2016-10-17T12:37:34Z")
> [@bump](#):
>
> I guess the circumstances would determine my opinion. If someone had an unintended child, and said they’d wished they’d never had kids, that’s entirely understandable.
>
> But if someone went out of their way to deliberately get pregnant and have children, and then opines that they wish they’d never done it, I’d be a little annoyed. That’s the kind of thing you should be SURE of before you do it, and bitching after the fact would probably elicit the “Suck it up, sunshine” reaction out of me (as the father of 2 young boys (2 and 5), so I’m not some single guy saying this)
You can’t possibly be SURE you want kids. You just can’t. You can take a lot of reasonable precautions that increase the odds that you’ll make the right choice, but nothing can perfectly insulate you from the possibility of regret.
In terms of the OP, it would totally depend on the context of the conversation and, more than anything, my relationship with the person confiding. If this is a close friend, I have all kinds of context to understand the sentiment, and that’s going to shade my response. If it’s a random person making small talk? I am likely appalled, not at the sentiment, but at the casual way it is being shared. Anyone that would tell me that casually has is probably really invested in this feeling–it would feel like they are nursing a grudge. And I would really worry their kids were aware of that sentiment.
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### Author:  [@Emerald\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emerald_Hawk)
#### Post date: [October 17, 2016, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-it-wrong-to-regret-bringing-a-life-into-this-world/768617/40 "2016-10-17T14:34:47Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> OK, I’m asking because I recently read this AskReddit thread that solicited “I-Regret-Having-My-Severely-Disabled-Child” stories.
I assume this is the thread you are talking about:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/sl93q/get\_out\_the\_throwaways\_dear\_parents\_of\_disabled/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/sl93q/get_out_the_throwaways_dear_parents_of_disabled/)
I re-read it every year, and I recommend everyone check it out. It’s heart wrenching and sad, and really reminds me not judge other people, or myself, too harshly.
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