# Is living with your parents past a certain age / income level irresponsible? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 9, 2008, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359 "2008-12-09T05:48:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/101 "2008-12-11T16:35:03Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Because that is our culture. Our ancestors came here with nothing, worked their asses off, and saved and suffered. Why did they do that? So that their kids could have a better life. Not so that their kids could hang out in their dens using their computers into their 40s. Except that’s not always our culture. Because a good portion of “our culture” came from somewhere else and a lot of those places think that family living together like that is perfectly normal. And until those two cultures stop pushing against each other, you’re going to get people shouting about “18 and out?” and you’re going to get other people living at home until they get married and thinking nothing of it. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/102 "2008-12-11T16:51:52Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > That said, living at home as an adult isn’t the greatest the way to show responsibility. It’s like collecting welfare. Nothing inherently wrong with it, sometimes it’s necessary, and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you use it. But someone who prefers to stay under their parent’s roof rather than taking care of themselves is making a negative statement whether they mean to or not. This is the way I see it too. Living at home should be thought of as a safety net, a way to save money for your future, not as the way you want to live the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Redwing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@Redwing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redwing)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/103 "2008-12-11T17:17:01Z")
First a bit of a disclaimer: I lived with my parents for less than 8 total months after turning 18. I don’t think responsiblity really enters into it. As this thread has demonstrated, some people have their parents as landlords and neighbors, with strong gains for both sides, while other people are older, hairier 13 year olds taking everything they can. From a social standpoint, it can be argued that living at home is more responsible than moving out: you’re using less resources than if you were in your own place, your rent payment increases your parents long term fiscal outlook, you’re able to build your own financial cushion. I think the issue here is that living _with_ your parents (in a non-caretaker role) is seen as living _off_ of them. There are people I know who are receiving serious fiscal aid from their parents into their forties, who haven’t lived at home since they turned 18, and there are people I know who live in the house they grew up in that they bought from their parents a decade ago so the parents could have some more cash for their retirement. I think being responsible has to do with the person, regardless of when or if they choose to leave home. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/104 "2008-12-11T22:40:06Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > _Any_ full-time worker? Even someone who’s making minimum wage or slightly above? In any region? I don’t think so. Not around here, anyway. > > However, that’s what roommates are for. Living with roommates is supporting yourself. Believing that everyone, even a minimum wage earner, ought to be able to afford a whole house or flat to themselves without anyone else to share the expense is part of what I mean by unrealistic expectations. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/105 "2008-12-11T22:54:00Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’m sorry, and I know I am going to catch flak for this but it icks me out. But let me tell you why it icks me out. The people that I know do this, are: > > [ul] > [li]almost fucking 40[/li][li]have a child[/li][li]make a combined salary of over $110K [/li][li]refuse to rent, even though they can afford to rent. Only a house for them![/li][li]Know that them living home causes a whole bunch of stress for everyone. everyone fights and everyone involved is unhappy.[/li][li]pay about $600 a month towards their parents for living expenses. My RENT is $800[/li][li]have ANOTHER baby on the way[/li][li] have no intention of moving out, though they shout it whenever there’s a fight[/li][/ul] > What kind of example are they going to give their baby? These are people who have NEVER lived alone. They don’t need to live with their parents. They just do because that way they can go on vacations every six months. They say they are saving for a house; bullshit, I say, when I see a new iPhone and a new DVD and Tivo and every new gadget in their living room. And yes, it does hurt a little, since we are so careful about budgeting. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as much if it wasn’t a family member. We love the baby, and she is always going to learn that someone will catch her in the safety net. > > It’s different if you messed up, or had trouble and had to move back in. These people didn’t even make the attempt, and they make more than enough money. > > In the end, I don’t care, but I do have less respect for them. Man up and take care of your kids. It’s time for the grandparents to be taking them for the weekend, not having them every single day while you have fun. It’s one thing to live home when you’re single, or even to take care of a kid as a single parent. But when you are making the money, and you are a family, then why are you still home? So completely agree with you. I believe that after one’s education is complete, living with one’s parents is completely unacceptable except in a few extenuating circumstances. These include post-divorce life restructuring and when your aged parents move in with you. Debilitating old age diseases (Parkinson’s, Alzheimers etc.) don’t run in my family so my sister and I accept that at some point we’re going to have to step up to it and have our parents find housing within a block away of one of us (they’re too independent on their own to really want to live with us until absolutely necessary). That said, I don’t really get the whole out-at-18 thing. But that’s largely because my parents were only interested in pushing us towards careers that take a solid 6-10 years of schooling and a minimum of 200K in cost. Given that they were invested in pushing us along a certain path and to a certain level of ambition, they helped us out, though we were expected to contribute and accept their counsel in return for the financial support. I fully intend to support my own kids as long as they’re doing something productive. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/106 "2008-12-12T07:00:15Z")
To chime in again, I feel that I’ve finally become an adult now that I have moved out. I think it’s because I understand most of the basic concepts of life such as, the value of a dollar, the struggle we’re all in to help ourselves and others, the tiring nature of working for a living, the challenges of maintaining dreams and long term goals through (hopefully) short term challenges, and the value of having good relationships in your life. I realize now what my parents went through when they were taking care of me for those 23 years. I also have an appreciation for how precious every moment is because I have to work to make every moment of my life happen; I am the only one who can shape where my life will go. I guess in this post I’m not knocking anyone for living at home, but I think I know myself and others better because of the way my life has gone since I’ve moved out. I feel much more capable and independent, and I have learned that my life’s direction is controlled mostly by me. I have to work at life to make it happen. I can relate to others more who have had to work to get to where they are because I’ve gone through it too. Maybe I’d feel the same if I was still at home…I don’t know. But I do feel happy with the decision I made to move out…even if it has led to some terrible experiences for me (Depression, a job that often kicks me in the ass, and a lack of a social life). Still, regarding my music friends living at home…I think someone needs to kick them in the ass. Especially the guy I know with a comp sci masters degree. The guy still goes out to movies with his mom. He’ll probably be at home forever, but he wants to be the next Bob Dylan I guess. I’m the one with a music degree dammit! I should be the one who gets to be Bob Dylan(I’d prefer though to be Keith Jarret) I guess I’ll settle for Mr. Holland. ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/107 "2008-12-12T11:09:44Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > As most of you know, I’m 30 and still living at home. A lot of it had to do with an incredible series of bad luck in the employment department. I finally found a good job about two years ago (wow, has it been that long already?), and I was planning on moving out…unfortunately, about two months later, I ended up in the hospital, and was diagnosed with epilepsy. > > Now, most of my paycheck is going towards medical expenses. And before anyone says anything, I do INDEED help out around the house, I can cook, do laundry, dishes, iron, clean, etc. (I don’t usually do my own only, as we usually end up doing everything in one big load). > So in my case, mostly it’s financial, and but also medical. I’m not allowed to drive, either. So right now, my finances are a fucking joke, and my health is pretty shitty. I’d love to have my own nice little place, but right now, that’s not a possibility. > > Soooo…☹ > > And I’ve never been a big party girl, or a “trust fund baby” or what have you. My idea of “splurging” nowadays is ordering a book from Amazon. No offense, and frankly this is none of my business or concern, but since you posted… This sounds like a bunch of crap. Over the years we’ve heard a variety of excuses for why you live at home. Before you got “sick” there were a bunch of other reasons. Yet there are plenty of people out there who are in worse physical and financial shape than you who manage to live on their own and make do. It’s not easy, but they manage. It seems that the number one reason that you live with your parents is that it’s the easy road. And as I said before, I think that’s sad. We all need to grow up at some point, and make our way in the world on our own. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/108 "2008-12-12T12:27:05Z")
> [@leander](#): > > No offense, and frankly this is none of my business or concern, but since you posted… > > This sounds like a bunch of crap. Over the years we’ve heard a variety of excuses for why you live at home. Before you got “sick” there were a bunch of other reasons. Yet there are plenty of people out there who are in worse physical and financial shape than you who manage to live on their own and make do. It’s not easy, but they manage. To be fair to **Guin** … You don’t know how sick she is. A lot of “independent” sick people are on disability, live with generous SOs, or they have savings to live off of. Or they possess skills that afford them with high-paying jobs with flexible hours. If **Guin** decided to move out and then posted about her poverty and the problems juggling her medical bills and living expenses, which could possibly aggravate whatever conditions she suffers from, would she be a more admirable person? More noble? Or would she be making her life much more difficult than it has to be just so she can prove something to a bunch of people who don’t have to live her life and deal with her issues? I agree that living independently is an ideal that everyone should aspire to. But there are a million good reasons why it would be a much wiser, more responsible decision to stay at home. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/109 "2008-12-12T12:39:26Z")
> [@leander](#): > > No offense, and frankly this is none of my business or concern, but since you posted… > > This sounds like a bunch of crap. Over the years we’ve heard a variety of excuses for why you live at home. Before you got “sick” there were a bunch of other reasons. Yet there are plenty of people out there who are in worse physical and financial shape than you who manage to live on their own and make do. It’s not easy, but they manage. > > It seems that the number one reason that you live with your parents is that it’s the easy road. And as I said before, I think that’s sad. We all need to grow up at some point, and make our way in the world on our own. I don’t get why living with your folks is “sad” if it works for you and works for them. If my kid had epilepsy, and it helped her even a little, financially, emotionally, medically, to live with me, she wouldn’t even have to ask. Just set another place at dinner, honey. It’s **Guin** ’s business, as you note (and her parents) and as you note, its really none of yours. ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/110 "2008-12-12T13:45:08Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > I don’t get why living with your folks is “sad” if it works for you and works for them. If my kid had epilepsy, and it helped her even a little, financially, emotionally, medically, to live with me, she wouldn’t even have to ask. Just set another place at dinner, honey. It’s **Guin** ’s business, as you note (and her parents) and as you note, its really none of yours. Agreed - it’s none of my business. But since she brought it up here…I do think it’s sad that a 30 yr old woman (who seems so bright and interesting) is still incapable of living on her own and having a full life. Also, it’s been years and years since she’s been living at home, and the “excuses” keep coming. The latest disease only accounts for the past year or so. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/111 "2008-12-12T14:52:08Z")
I have way relaxed on this over the years. I used to look down on anyone who lived with their parents, I admit it. These days, if you’re unmarried, I guess I don’t see the reason to run out the door. Here are my (further) thoughts on it though: Try as you might, living with your parents is not like living alone. No matter how much you contribute. Unless you are taking care of your parents, they are always a safety net. You think as long as they can your parents will not help you? Especially when you’re right there in front of them? Living alone makes you work harder, IMO, and you don’t have that safety net as much. Sure, you could call up your parents, but you’re not quite as much in front of them, and you’re more likely to come up with your own solutions first. I genuinely wonder what people who live with their parents are eventually going to do when the parents die. So you’re now over 40 years old and have to relearn how to live alone? Still, it’s not these people I have a real issue with. It’s none of my business, but before I move on I will say that would be an absolute dealbreaker in a relationship. I am so against living with MY parents I would never even consider dating someone who lived at home. No matter what the reason - I’d certainly be friends with them, but I am not going to date someone who has to check in with his mom when he gets home. Independence is just too highly valued to me. I don’t believe in tossing the kid on his ass when he gets to 18, though. There’s a valid choice - it’s college, or a job. If the kid gets a job, in the next two years sometime, he should be in an apartment, with parents helping with the rent & bills. College? I don’t feel the parents shoud HAVE to support the kid through college; I took out some loans, but if they can, they should - it’s for the child’s betterment. There is a way to wean the kid off the tit that’s not cold turkey. Part of the parents’ responsibility is creating a productive, independent member of society. All that aside. All of this really is situational. There are numerous things that could happen: 1. You never moved out. This is definitely odd to me. Didn’t you want to live elsewhere? The parent-child relationship will never adjust to equals if nothing changes. And don’t you think your parents deserve a break? 2. For health or financial reasons you move back home. Absolute anathema to me, I mean for me doing it, but I understand the necessity. 3. Or you pull what the above-mentioned people did in my family - you move from one parents’ house to another, lugging your baby back and forth, causing trouble and stress in both houses and making sure to spread the stress around as far as you can. Not to mention some of you get along with your parents. If you have that kind of relationship, have at it, but some of us remember parents that didn’t want to let us be adults even when we were. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/112 "2008-12-13T03:25:02Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > To be fair to **Guin** … > > You don’t know how sick she is. > > A lot of “independent” sick people are on disability, live with generous SOs, or they have savings to live off of. Or they possess skills that afford them with high-paying jobs with flexible hours. > > If **Guin** decided to move out and then posted about her poverty and the problems juggling her medical bills and living expenses, which could possibly aggravate whatever conditions she suffers from, would she be a more admirable person? More noble? Or would she be making her life much more difficult than it has to be just so she can prove something to a bunch of people who don’t have to live her life and deal with her issues? > > I agree that living independently is an ideal that everyone should aspire to. But there are a million good reasons why it would be a much wiser, more responsible decision to stay at home. This. Thank you. (And especially to prove to strangers making comments who mostly know me from the internet, for that matter. ;)) To **leander** : I agree, I’ve made many an excuse. Mostly, though, previously, if you’ll recall-it was, NO JOB. Duh. Then I get a great one. Wee, I think, things are gonna be good, we’ll see what happens. Then I get hit again. _sigh_ It’s not necessarily easier. (Trust me, live with my folks, and see. ;)) The money just isn’t there. But for now, it works. And walk a mile in my shoes. (Quite frankly, living at home doesn’t affect me NEARLY as much as not being able to drive. THAT was going to be the first thing that I was going to take care of once I started working. And THAT ain’t gonna happen. THAT pisses me off, big time.) Oh, and yes, I AM bright and interesting. I’m also rather cute. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2008, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359/113 "2008-12-14T19:50:28Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > You’ve obviously never met my parents 😉 Even though I was working, if I had stayed they wouldn’t have taken my money. > > The point of being a responsible, functioning member of society isn’t simply which way the finances work out. Yes, it’s going to be more costly for two people to live in separate residences, but you can only truly learn to be responsible for yourself and your own well-being by completely supporting yourself (which you just can’t do completely until you move out). I know so many people that live on their own and are completely irresponsible. Living on your own may have a responsible aspect, but it doesn’t make you _responsible_. If you cannot see the difference, you’re ignorant in your interpretation of responsible. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-living-with-your-parents-past-a-certain-age-income-level-irresponsible/476359.md?page=5)