# Is ma'am offensive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2019, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517 "2019-11-16T00:42:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jaycat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat/32/3015_2.png) [@jaycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jaycat)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/21 "2019-11-16T03:36:30Z")
Everything is offensive nowadays. Haven’t you heard? ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/22 "2019-11-16T03:49:45Z")
> [@jaycat](#): > > Everything is offensive nowadays. Haven’t you heard? Your comment offends me. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/23 "2019-11-16T04:10:13Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > I’ve heard women say they are displeased at being “Ma’amed”, as it makes them feel old. I’ve heard that too, and I think it’s an example of internalized sexism. We are socialized to consider being young and inexperienced (“Miss”) as preferable to being a respected adult woman (“Ma’am”). > [@Dinsdale](#): > > I honestly consider and intend it simply as the analog of Sir. For what it’s worth, [Miss Manners agrees with you](https://books.google.co.nz/books?id=Ju1XvqoMookC&pg=PA51), noting in response to a query from a bank teller about proper modes of address that “any lady old enough to do her own banking business may be safely addressed as ma’am”. But Miss Manners has noticed that [in recent years some adult women have protested against being addressed as “ma’am” because they think it implies that they’re old and that’s a bad thing.](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-some-mamas-prefer-maam/2014/05/02/4aaa2398-cc9d-11e3-95f7-7ecdde72d2ea_story.html) Personally, I strongly dislike being addressed as “Miss” but I don’t blame it on the hapless retail people who do it, as they’re probably just following protocol dictated by higher-ups. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/24 "2019-11-16T04:12:04Z")
Dear God. ---
**Author:** ![Trancephalic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trancephalic/32/380_2.png) [@Trancephalic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trancephalic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/25 "2019-11-16T04:13:24Z")
I thought the equivalent to sir was dame. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/26 "2019-11-16T04:15:28Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > … > > I’m more offended by a judge who doesn’t realize it’s spelled ‘counsel,’ not ‘council.’ :dubious: (Teasing.) Damn, that’s embarrassing! :smack: I’ll blame it on what I said - long day to end a long week. But damn! ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/27 "2019-11-16T12:05:55Z")
If it’s not deemed offensive now, it will be – as soon as the offenderati work their way to that part of the dictionary. Obligatory [Bloom County](https://imgur.com/r/KotakuInAction/82QXoAj) strip on the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/28 "2019-11-16T12:14:51Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > The Queen of the UK is usually addressed as “Ma’am”. She doesn’t take offence at it. “Ma’am Queenie” ? That sounds weird. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/29 "2019-11-16T13:02:24Z")
I get “ma’amed” all the time. I don’t get offended because it makes me feel old. I do however, sometimes get offended based on the context. There is a part of my agency where “sir” and “ma’am” are routinely used for people of a higher rank and when people in that part of the agency call me “ma’am”, I don’t get offended. It’s not routine in my part of the agency, though and when people in my part of the agency use it, it can be offensive. Not because of tone exactly - but because it comes across the same way as a police officer saying, " Sir, put your hands behind your back" , making a show of being respectful but not meant to indicate actual respect. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/30 "2019-11-16T13:49:06Z")
A lot of words are offensive or not depending on context. The classic example is “boy”. Take “dame”. “I think Dame Helen Mirren is a great actress.” No problem. “I won’t tolerate a dame for a boss.” That is definitely a problem. I have no idea why people want to get an “official ruling” on something regardless of context. So it is with “Ma’am”. It can be very polite or very rude. If your aunt asks if you want more pie, “Yes, ma’am.” is just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/31 "2019-11-16T13:50:39Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > Not because of tone exactly - but because it comes across the same way as a police officer saying, " Sir, put your hands behind your back" , making a show of being respectful but not meant to indicate actual respect. Oh, man, that reminds me of someone who got let go from my job a few years ago for, amongst other things, a lack of people skills. He – in a completely civilian job – and _in the same conversation_ – used both of the “don’t sir me, I’m not an officer” and “yes sir I will do that” gambits, which came off like he thought he was emphasizing that he resented being lower than his manager who was just trying to be friendly with him. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/32 "2019-11-16T14:18:46Z")
So what are you supposed to use, when you don’t know someone’s name? Suppose, for instance, I’m behind a woman in the line at the grocery store, and I notice that when she put her credit card away, it slipped out of her wallet and fell on the floor. My inclination would be to say “Pardon me, ma’am, but you dropped your credit card”. What should I say instead? Obviously not “miss”, because that implies that she’s unmarried (which I don’t know), and worse, implies that her marital status is somehow relevant. ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/33 "2019-11-16T14:26:17Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Now that I’m finally old enough to warrant a **Sir** from people, all I get is an occasional **Mister** , but mostly **My First Name** –like I’m still 3-and-a-half years old. You can’t win. > > And frequently, **Mister My First Name**. From strangers. Sheesh! I travel quite a bit and service staff (hotel clerks and the like) invariably refer to me as “Mr. Carl [first name].” Happens in Philly, Chicago, Newark, and most other locations. At home, my house cleaner and most other people do the same, but I live in the southeast and that’s to be expected. I have to confess that my last name is difficult. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/34 "2019-11-16T14:36:37Z")
> [@ZonexandScout](#): > > I travel quite a bit and service staff (hotel clerks and the like) invariably refer to me as “Mr. Carl [first name].” Happens in Philly, Chicago, Newark, and most other locations. At home, my house cleaner and most other people do the same, but I live in the southeast and that’s to be expected. > > I have to confess that my last name is difficult. I think it’s because your last name is difficult- because my husband and I get “Miss” or “Mr” last name from hotel clerks and such. We only get “Mr” or “Miss” first name from foreign-born staff at doctor’s offices , etc where we are regulars - I’m not sure if they find our last names difficult or if they find first names too informal and Mr last name too formal. ---
**Author:** ![RingsOfPylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3da27b/32.png) [@RingsOfPylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RingsOfPylon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/35 "2019-11-16T15:13:17Z")
I’m in Upstate NY too and I hear it occasionally. I don’t find it offensive at all. It’s usually used by military people, police, younger people who were educated in a military prep institution, and occasionally by members of the general population, especially when addressing an older person. It’s an effort at politeness and a bit of deference, so it’s hard to be offended by it. Meh, there are lots of things that could offend me if i try hard enough to be offended. This isn’t one of them. I hear “miss” a lot too. While that’s more humorous than offensive (due to my age), I still can’t get offended. It’s usually a good will attempt to connect to someone on a more personal level than “hey, you!”. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/36 "2019-11-16T15:23:01Z")
Maybe there should be a unisex term, then nobody would get offended. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/37 "2019-11-16T15:25:30Z")
The only time I remember ma’am-ing someone was a woman my age with whom I was involved in a stupid argument. I said it in a patronizing way and she flipped out, saying she was younger than me. I laughed and said, “sure, whatever gets you through the night”. Ohhhhh, was she pissed off; meanwhile I was doubled over laughing at her. I’d never use the word normally. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/38 "2019-11-16T15:26:49Z")
Does nobody in the US use “madam” (or is that too redolent of a knocking-shop)? In the UK, we’d use “ma’am” for a female superior in the uniformed services, and the Queen, in the unlikely event of being introduced to her, but sometimes “madam” in a customer service context (though as noted above, tone of voice can make it somewhat hostile, with overtones of"You’re being a right madam"). Mostly though we 'd just say “you” to male or female. If it’s a case of trying to attract their attention, you might say “Excuse me” or “Hello” or (rarely nowadays, but I might) “I say”. If they’re doing something they shouldn’t, “Oi!You!” is not unknown. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/39 "2019-11-16T15:46:08Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > Maybe there should be a unisex term, then nobody would get offended. Oh, man, I needed that laugh. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/40 "2019-11-16T15:50:34Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > So what are you supposed to use, when you don’t know someone’s name? Suppose, for instance, I’m behind a woman in the line at the grocery store, and I notice that when she put her credit card away, it slipped out of her wallet and fell on the floor. My inclination would be to say “Pardon me, ma’am, but you dropped your credit card”. What should I say instead? Obviously not “miss”, because that implies that she’s unmarried (which I don’t know), and worse, implies that her marital status is somehow relevant. What’s wrong with “Pardon me, but you dropped your credit card” ? I don’t get offended by “ma’am” in this situation, but I must admit I don’t see what “sir” or “ma’am” adds, unless there’s a group of people that you may be addressing that only contains one woman or one man. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517.md?page=3)