# Is ma'am offensive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2019, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517 "2019-11-16T00:42:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/41 "2019-11-16T16:02:40Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > Does nobody in the US use “madam” (or is that too redolent of a knocking-shop)? I can’t remember if I’ve ever heard anyone in the US use “madam”. I don’t know whether that’s got to do with its meaning the woman in charge of a house of prostitution (is that a “knocking-shop”? I’ve never heard that either), or whether it’s just that it sounds, how do I put this, prissy? hoity-toity? sneering? If I got called “madam” by a clerk I would think they were probably looking down their nose at me; or at least making a big point of how “high-class” the place was, which is not IMO actually a classy thing to do. > [@PatrickLondon](#): > > Mostly though we 'd just say “you” to male or female. If it’s a case of trying to attract their attention, you might say “Excuse me” or “Hello” or (rarely nowadays, but I might) “I say”. If they’re doing something they shouldn’t, “Oi!You!” is not unknown. “Oi! You!” sounds rude to me; though if it’s used for people doing something they shouldn’t, maybe it’s meant to be. Interestingly, or at least I find it interesting, I just realized that while “Hey you!” (a more likely USA equivalent) sounds rude to me, “Yo!” doesn’t, or at least only does if it’s in the wrong tone of voice. I don’t know why that is; I don’t, around here, hear either of them all that often. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/42 "2019-11-16T16:52:53Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Damn, that’s embarrassing! :smack: I’ll blame it on what I said - long day to end a long week. But damn! I hope next week is better and there are no ‘ma’ams’ in sight. ---
**Author:** ![TheCuse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thecuse/32/2854_2.png) [@TheCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheCuse)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/43 "2019-11-16T17:17:25Z")
I still say sir or ma’am. I guess it is still ingrained from my Air Force days. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/44 "2019-11-16T17:41:35Z")
I have no problem being called Ma’am. My folks required us to use sir/ma’am with them and all adults, and when I was in the Navy, it came naturally. I do hate when a child calls me by my first name. And I get stabby when someone refers to me as “young lady” - you’re not flattering me, you’re pissing me off! Then again, I don’t understand the whole “Don’t ask a person’s age” BS. I’ll stop now - I feel my blood pressure spiking. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/45 "2019-11-16T18:14:23Z")
I was never a Jerry Lewis fan, but I can hear him squealing, “heyyyy, Lady” in reply to this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/46 "2019-11-16T18:18:42Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > What’s wrong with “Pardon me, but you dropped your credit card” ? I don’t get offended by “ma’am” in this situation, but I must admit I don’t see what “sir” or “ma’am” adds, unless there’s a group of people that you may be addressing that only contains one woman or one man. Yeah, that’s the safest. I try, but it can be kinda tough for someone who was raised at a time that inclusion of Ma’am/Sir was a sign of respect. Think of the old time shows, where kids addressed their fathers - or any adult - as Sir. But times change. ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/47 "2019-11-16T18:26:55Z")
Not quite on topic, but I can’t help but mention one of the greatest lines ever transcribed by a court stenographer. During the deposition of an expert witness, Ph.D. toxicologist Kathleen Dougherty, she was asked if she wished to be addressed as “Miss or Mrs.” She replied “Doctor.” [![](https://i0.wp.com/loweringthebar.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/6a00d83451bd4469e201a3fd2388f1970b.jpg) ](https://i0.wp.com/loweringthebar.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/6a00d83451bd4469e201a3fd2388f1970b.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/48 "2019-11-16T19:37:21Z")
I use Sir and Ma’am all the time as signs of respect. I sometimes call my father “Sir” as a term of endearment. To me it means that I consider him to be older and wiser, and respect his opinions. The issue here is not with the terminology, it’s with the underlying belief that being old(er) is a bad thing. If we all just accepted that everyone ages, and that there are advantages and disadvantages at every age, and stopped constantly worrying about how old we seem to others, then it wouldn’t matter whether we were called Ma’am. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/49 "2019-11-16T19:59:19Z")
No. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/50 "2019-11-16T20:21:30Z")
The problem with “madam” is various connotations such as someone who runs a brothel, certain notorious madams in books/movies and so on. “Ma’am” carries far less baggage. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/51 "2019-11-16T20:30:23Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > As pointed out, “ma’am” is what military people call women superiors. > > I would never call anyone “Sir” or “Ma’am” in any other context. People do that? Yes, all the time. Despite saying I try to avoid it, I guess it still is instinctual to me. Just today I found myself saying “excuse me ma’am” or possibly “thanks ma’am” (I can’t remember exactly, but I do remember saying it this morning and immediately remembering this thread.) So I guess I really don’t avoid it all that much except with people around my age? I don’t know. It’s just such a normal word for me to use to get a stranger’s attention, and “miss” always sounds a bit, I dunno, juvenile or something to me? Heck, I call my 3 and 5 year old daughters “ma’am” all the time, too! ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2019, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/52 "2019-11-16T21:54:35Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Setting - an legal proceeding in Illinois. The male judge in his 50s said to a female attorney in her 50s something along the lines of, “Please proceed ma’am.” > > Full disclosure, I was the judge. My intended default is to refer to attorneys as “Council” or “Mr or Ms X,” but during the course of a long day of hearings, I occasionally say Sir or Ma’am. I was somewhat surprised to have an attorney express her displeasure at the end of a long Friday. > > I’ve heard women say they are displeased at being “Ma’amed”, as it makes them feel old. I honestly consider and intend it simply as the analog of Sir. In this context, I actually intended it as a respectful pleasantry. > > Sure, I’m aware of the possibility of saying it in a tone to connote sarcasm or insult, but I honestly wasn’t paying enough attention to intend any such thing. I just wanted the attorney to start talking. And then I find myself with a pissed off attorney making my word choice an issue. > > I understand that, whenever possible, if there is no need to refer to an individual’s gender, it is generally safest just to avoid any gender descriptive. I.e., say, “Good morning.” rather than “Good morning, ladies.” And I try to do that, even tho to my ear that sounds somewhat - i dunno - antiseptic? But I don’t care enough to call people by something they don’t want to be called. Just kinda blindsided me at the end of a long day at the end of a long week. In this context yes you sound a wee bit offensive and its your perogative I guess to respond with disdain perhaps, and reduce a credentialed professional to that of a witness or defendant. INAL otherwise fuck no, ma’am can’t take offense most times. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/53 "2019-11-17T02:57:56Z")
I must have grown up on a different planet. I would never ever dream in my wildest flights of fancy of calling anyone Miss unless I knew for a fact they were unmarried or so blatantly a minor child that what else ya gonna call em if ya don’t know their name and don’t want to seem condescending and snotty? I call my female customers Ma’am everyday all day cause I’m terrible with names Odd to me exception, teachers. Always Miss/Mrs./Mr. Last Name in my day, now First Name for my kids (when did that happen?) ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/54 "2019-11-17T04:12:09Z")
For a judge to call a female attorney of any age “miss” would be wildly offensive. “Ma’am” was appropriate in the context described by the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/55 "2019-11-17T10:10:10Z")
I’ve lived north of the Mason-Dixon line all my life and grew up hearing ma’am and have people address me as “ma’am” all the time. I’m a bit gobsmacked to find out now that there are people think it’s _not_ respectful. Did I not get the memo? Although it’s true a lot of women have issues with age - sometimes I really want to look them in the eye and say “Yes, you are moving forward in time at the rate of one second per second. You’re getting older. Get over it. Seriously, there’s only one alternative to getting older and that’s getting dead. Which do you really prefer?” But, since I need my job and that sort of brutal honesty is not considered good customer service I keep my trap shut. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/56 "2019-11-17T15:27:30Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > As pointed out, “ma’am” is what military people call women superiors. > > I would never call anyone “Sir” or “Ma’am” in any other context. People do that? When I was a prof, I routinely used “Sir” and “Ma’am” when addressing students during a lecture. Someone raises their hand, “Yes, ma’am?”. With large classes and seeing many students for just 1 or 2 classes, learning names was often not possible for me by the end of the term, never mind the start. I have no idea why someone would think these terms are reserved somehow. Nor do I get the “cringe” people experience when they are called “Sir/Ma’am” for the “first” time. It has nothing to do with age or status, folks. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/57 "2019-11-17T16:16:26Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > Maybe there should be a unisex term, then nobody would get offended. Should we pick “dame” or “damer”?😃 ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2019, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/58 "2019-11-17T16:39:04Z")
My Pops nearing 90 yo, often uses terms like “babe” “toots” “dude” “sweetheart” “darling” “jack” it was his jazzy way of speaking and no one was exempt. Most folks don’t take offense though a few old dames in the nursing home took offense others just loved it. ---
**Author:** ![Rough\_Draft](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@Rough\_Draft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rough_Draft)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2019, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/59 "2019-11-18T22:48:41Z")
I was raised in Texas and taught to be polite. After 65 years, “sir” and “ma’am” are hopelessly ingrained in me. I don’t think I could stop using the terms if I was held at gunpoint (any more than I could leave a room without turning the light off). And to be honest, I’m shocked to hear that some people don’t/didn’t call their parents “sir” and “ma’am”. I suppose all of this could be an indication that I’m growing old. But is that even possible? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2019, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517/60 "2019-11-18T23:13:03Z")
It’s not inherently offensive. And if you’re offended by my _polite_ use of it, I’ve got a different word to address you by that you’re _definitely_ not going to like. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-maam-offensive/843517.md?page=4)