# Is monogamy a myth? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 29, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674 "2003-07-29T15:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/21 "2003-07-30T01:46:41Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by freetobeme \* > **Okay, Opalcat and** UnwrittenNocturne_\*, I see that you’re of the swinging variety. Hey, more power to ya! You’re hip. You’re wow! You’re Charlie! I get the point. > > I understand that some folks like to _consentually_ engage in polygimus(sp) activity (correct me if I’m off base or misunderstanding here). There’s not a lot of downside to it for two people who are very secure in themselves and their partner (no pun intended). Hey, if it helps keep things together and isn’t just convenience as opposed to commitment, then great. > > I was trying to answer the question ‘why it is that some people find it so hard to be faithful to their partner?’ > > So rather than throw out ‘commitment !=monogomy’ maybe you could tell us why and why it works for you. Maybe that would help cgholycow. \*\* I was simply pointing out that the generalization wasn’t neccessarily true, that’s all. I never said I was “wow” or “hip”… Also, I DO NOT SWING. There is a HUGE difference between swinging and having a polyamorous relationship. When I have a boyfriend, it’s a serious relationship. Like for years. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/22 "2003-07-30T10:19:51Z")
Monogamy isn’t a myth. You’re just dateing the wrong people. My boyfriend would never cheat on me, and I would never cheat on him. (Okay, I kissed that ONE guy, but we had split up so it wasn’t cheating. We got back togetther after a week) ---
**Author:** ![freetobeme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@freetobeme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freetobeme)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/23 "2003-07-30T13:15:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*I was simply pointing out that the generalization wasn’t neccessarily true, that’s all. I never said I was “wow” or “hip”… > > Also, I DO NOT SWING. There is a HUGE difference between swinging and having a polyamorous relationship. When I have a boyfriend, it’s a serious relationship. Like for years. \*\* Form alt.polyamory F.A.Q. "What’s polyamory, then? ``` (Glad you asked that. ;-) ) Polyamory means "loving more than one". This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved, but you needn't wear yourself out trying to figure out ways to fit fondness for apple pie, or filial piety, or a passion for the Saint Paul Saints baseball club into it. "Polyamorous" is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. (Heck, some are involved in less than one.) Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of poly arrangements out there." ``` :smack: I get it now. I think. Are you talking about having multiple commited relationships or a single ‘truly’ commited relationship with other non-committed but still loving relationships? And if so then aren’t you still talking about a commitment to at least one? Or do I just not get it? Does anyone else get this? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/24 "2003-07-30T15:47:30Z")
Well my husband is and always will be the most important person in my life (well, that doesn’t count my son) and will always trump anything else. I’ve dated maybe two guys that were fairly “casual” in that while I really liked them, I wasn’t in love with them. Then I’ve also dated a couple of guys who I truly did love, and they loved me. One lasted 4 years, the other a year and a half. Then there is a guy I dated in high school who I also love, and who I have had a few “romantic encounters” with since I was married, but haven’t officially dated. It’s sort of like “very good friends who love each other and used to be an item, who occassionally revisit those times” though it’s only happened a couple of times. Does that make sense? And I’ve never dated more than one guy at a time (one guy in addition to my husband). When I’m dating a guy, it feels pretty much like any relationship, except that I go home to my husband rather than alone. I’ve never had a feel like he was a third wheel, or less important, or whatever. If you are curious or have any other questions feel free to ask, I don’t mind. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/25 "2003-07-30T15:53:53Z")
[More than 50 percent of all married women, at some point, cheat on their mates, according to psychologist Bonnie Eaker Weil. Weil also reports that approximately 70 percent of husbands cheat.](http://abcnews.go.com/sections/community/DailyNews/chat_cheating0618.html) ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/26 "2003-07-30T15:58:34Z")
It’s obvious that monogamy can and does exist in real life. We sometimes elevate monogamy to a mythical _status_ that it doesn’t necessarily deserve. As some posters have demonstrated, it’s certainly not the _only_ option, nor even the most preferred option for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![freetobeme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@freetobeme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freetobeme)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/27 "2003-07-30T16:05:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*…Does that make sense? … \*\* It does. Thanks for helping a brother out. ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/28 "2003-07-30T17:04:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Homebrew \* > \*\*[More than 50 percent of all married women, at some point, cheat on their mates, according to psychologist Bonnie Eaker Weil. Weil also reports that approximately 70 percent of husbands cheat.](http://abcnews.go.com/sections/community/DailyNews/chat_cheating0618.html) \*\* No offense meant, but before I accept these stats they’ll need to come from someone who’s NOT hawking her latest book on adultery. I see though that she has been a guest on such well known think-tanks as The Rikki Lake Show, Sally, A Current Affair, and Maury Povich… ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/29 "2003-07-30T17:15:53Z")
> [@](#): > > **MODERATOR at 2:32 p.m. ET** > Welcome Bonnie Eaker Weil! Thanks for joining us. > > You say more than 50 percent of married woman cheat on their husbands. What percentage of married men cheat on their wives? > > **BONNIE EAKER WEIL at 2:34 p.m. ET** > Approximately 70 percent. Those statistics come from my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, and from research that I’ve done over the years. Not stellar statistics from my perspective. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674/30 "2003-07-30T17:48:30Z")
> [@](#): > > _from [Kinsey Research data](http://www.indiana.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-data.html#extramaritalcoitus)_. > > Extramarital Sex > Incidence > Males: Kinsey estimated that approximately 50% of all married males had some extramarital experience at some time during their married lives (p. 585, 587, Male). > > Females: Among the sample, 26% of females had had extramarital sex by their forties. Between 1 in 6 and 1 in 10 females from age 26 to 50 were engaged in extramarital sex, (p. 416, Female). > Number of Extramarital Partners > Males: > Number of extramarital sexual partners, not counting prostitutes, during first marriage: > **71.6% reported none** > 16.7% reported 1-3 partners > 5.6% reported 4-6 partners > 5.9% reported 7 or more (Table 351, p. 400, Kinsey Data, College Sample) > > Females: > Number of extramarital sexual partners, not counting prostitutes, during first marriage: > **79% reported none** > 15.7% reported 1-3 partners > 2.4% reported 4-6 partners > 2.7% reported 7 or more (Table 351, p. 400, Kinsey Data, College Sample) Note that the above is from the 1948-1953 study. Society changed a lot shortly after that, taking a more open view of sex, and has more recently, post HIV/HSV, taken on a more restricted view. Highlighting and underlining is mine. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-monogamy-a-myth/191674.md?page=1)