# Is my boyfriend still using **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2017, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964 "2017-11-07T13:12:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![helpmybf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ec9cab/32.png) [@helpmybf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/helpmybf)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/1 "2017-11-07T13:12:25Z")
Hey everyone. Sorry if my questions may seem completely ignorant but I am hoping some of you can help me out. I am dating/living with my bf who is a recovering addict. He relapsed for the first time since we have been together a couple of weeks ago but has promised me that he is no longer using H. I don’t know too much about it and want to make sure it’s not just that I am paranoid but here are the things that I notice… Maybe you can share with me if you think he may still be using. - at night his sleep appears to be more like a nod – he lays on his back, head in the air, mouth open and I see his eyes sort of roll back. His breathing seems interuppted (very much like sleep apnea), and every few minutes he makes small groaning noises. He doesn’t scratch too much but I do notice his arms moving around. - I believe he is smoking it in the bathroom and I have found his pieces of foil and empty pen but wouldn’t I at least smell something? - he also sleeps pretty much all day on the weekends when he isn’t at work - he sweats through the sheets which I thought was from withdrawal? Thanks for your thoughts! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/2 "2017-11-07T13:33:09Z")
Reported ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/3 "2017-11-07T13:35:26Z")
Weird sleeping and sweating is something that can happen to anyone, regardless of addiction. Discarded pieces of foil and pen tubes - harder to explain. ---
**Author:** ![MikeF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MikeF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeF)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/4 "2017-11-07T13:51:28Z")
Wrong forum but those items might be hard for the bf to explain. To anyone else there can be only one conclusion. He could be snorting the stuff - no odor there. Not to be snarky but there are far better places than the SD to post questions on this very serious subject matter. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/5 "2017-11-07T14:22:48Z")
**Moderator Action** > [@silenus](#): > > Reported Moving thread from GQ to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/6 "2017-11-07T14:28:47Z")
In answer to your question, yes. Go to Al-anon. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/7 "2017-11-07T14:31:49Z")
Is he in treatment, or a support group? Then it’s very likely he’s using. Even if he IS in treatment or a support group there’s a good chance he’s using. Night sweats can be indicative of a lot of things, some of them contagious. I do hope that if sex is occurring you are using condoms including for oral, or dental dams as appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/8 "2017-11-07T14:41:51Z")
Can you give us a little more background? What are your ages? How long have you been together? How much experience do you have with drug life and addicts? Getting clean is a long and complicated process. It’s common for addicts to relapse several times and leave emotional destruction along the way. Your love, no matter how strong, isn’t enough to get him clean. He’ll need to decide to turn it around, and often that’s after he’s hit his rock bottom. Often, well-meaning friends and relatives try to help, but they can end up enabling the addict by not forcing him to face the consequences. Based on your questions, it sounds like this is all new to you and you probably don’t know what you’re in for. Even if he’s clean at the moment, the pull back will be strong and you’ll always need to be vigilant. Educate yourself. Watch for valuables which start to go missing. Be aware of his schedule and who he’s hanging out with. Take care of yourself and know that you may need to walk away at some point. There are many documentaries about addiction on Netflix, Amazon, etc. Watch a few and see what it looks like and what the friends and families have to go through. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/9 "2017-11-07T16:02:02Z")
Why did you choose this message board and come up with the one-purpose-only username? We’re not exclusively known for NA advice. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/10 "2017-11-07T16:04:07Z")
Second recommendation on Al-Anon. That’s for _you_ in what is and will be a very very difficult period in _your_ life, as you deal with not just “the problem” of your BF’s addiction and recovery, but the fantastically hard (not “equal” to his, but equally shattering potentially to your love of him and your emotional strength to keep all your feelings and actions of love and support for him AND yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/11 "2017-11-07T16:11:38Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Can you give us a little more background? I’d say no, she can’t. Or won’t. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/12 "2017-11-07T16:15:23Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > In answer to your question, yes. Go to Al-anon. > > Regards, > Shodan This. Immediately. Go to every meeting you can locate. Stop monitoring your bf, wondering about him, asking questions, or not asking questions. Honey, speaking from experience, I’m saying focus on you. Get your own head on straight and don’t worry about his. I know when you’re in a relationship like this, all you can think about is him. That is not good for you. Find an al-anon meeting and go today. And go again tomorrow. Repeat every day until you feel better and know what to do. Also go to this [board](https://tinyurl.com/y8vhbk6a) for advice specific to your situation. The Straight Dope board isn’t exactly the right place for you. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/13 "2017-11-07T16:30:28Z")
> [@helpmybf](#): > > …I have found his pieces of foil and empty pen… Yes, he is using. You’ve found the evidence. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/14 "2017-11-07T16:32:27Z")
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. ---
**Author:** ![peedin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peedin/32/14095_2.png) [@peedin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peedin)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/15 "2017-11-07T17:52:50Z")
If you have to ask, he is. Help yourself first. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/16 "2017-11-07T18:47:57Z")
> [@helpmybf](#): > > Hey everyone. Sorry if my questions may seem completely ignorant but I am hoping some of you can help me out. I am dating/living with my bf who is a recovering addict. > …snip… > > - I believe he is smoking it in the bathroom and I have found his pieces of foil and empty pen but wouldn’t I at least smell something? > - he also sleeps pretty much all day on the weekends when he isn’t at work > - he sweats through the sheets which I thought was from withdrawal? You’ve answered your own question. You need to get a whole lot of gone between you and him, and do it quickly. If you are not willing to do that, then follow the advice given and get into something like Al-Anon. And be prepared to go through a ton of heartache and misery. ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/17 "2017-11-07T19:20:46Z")
Former heroin junkie here. The fact that you’re asking is probably enough to say yes, but a couple of points are there that make me say he’s almost certainly using. > [@helpmybf](#): > > He relapsed for the first time since we have been together a couple of weeks ago but has promised me that he is no longer using H. Junkies lie. A lot. [del]Even[/del] Especially to those who care about them. It’s one of the shittier parts about dealing with addicts. > [@helpmybf](#): > > I believe he is smoking it in the bathroom and I have found his pieces of foil and empty pen but wouldn’t I at least smell something? I can’t think of a single use for little pieces of tin foil and an empty pen other than smoking drugs. There’s your smoking gun, everything else is circumstantial. As for smelling it, you probably won’t if it’s H. Pure heroin is almost scent-less. The more common stuff isn’t pure, and will probably have a slight vinegar smell, which still clears out fairly quickly. > [@helpmybf](#): > > he sweats through the sheets which I thought was from withdrawal? Cold sweats are usually part of the withdrawal, but they are not exclusive to it. Some people sweat when they are on H, particularly if they used a bit too much. I’m sorry, but as an ex-addict myself, I would break up and move out the very first time a partner lied to me about their drug use, and I advise you to do the same. I had a lot of people who cared about me and wanted me to quit, and all that love meant nothing to me when I was using. Looking back, years later, there was nothing anyone could have done to convince me to quit. I had to want it myself, and I had to want it more than anything else I have ever wanted in my life. I can’t help your bf, and neither can you. At the minimum, move anything valuable or with strong sentimental value to you somewhere he can’t get access to it, like a safe deposit box or your parents house. If you are living with an addict, you are going to subsidize their habit, whether you want to or not. Keep a close eye on your bank statements and credit cards for unusual cash withdrawals or purchases. (Most dealers will take a pre-paid visa at a slight discount, I used to steal cigarettes by the carton and buy H with them when I was homeless.) If you are not in a place where breaking up and moving out is an option, I’ll +1 the recommendation of Al-anon as the next best option. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/18 "2017-11-07T19:25:49Z")
> [@Crazy\_Canuck](#): > > I had a lot of people who cared about me and wanted me to quit, and all that love meant nothing to me when I was using. Looking back, years later, there was nothing anyone could have done to convince me to quit. I had to want it myself, and I had to want it more than anything else I have ever wanted in my life. I can’t help your bf, and neither can you. If you don’t mind sharing, what was that point at which you started to turn things around? ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/19 "2017-11-07T21:17:06Z")
If you really want to know, here’s how it happened. Heads up, it’s really not a happy story. I hit bottom hard. The short version is I woke up with my arm wrapped around the corpse of someone I cared about. Longer version: I had some H in my pocket the night before, a large dose for me, and way too big a dose for her. I didn’t want to share it, so I told a little lie about not having it. She took it from me while I was asleep and used it, and she never woke up. My little lie had killed my lover and only friend. I never used H again. I almost died going through that withdrawal. I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember that I wanted to die and felt that I deserved to die very much at the time. My first clear memory afterwards is waking up in the hospital, being treated for extreme dehydration. I got stupid lucky and I got an amazing doctor who got me into a program. From there I started slowly rebuilding my life, one day at a time. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2017, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964/20 "2017-11-07T21:27:56Z")
> [@Crazy\_Canuck](#): > > If you are not in a place where breaking up and moving out is an option, I’ll +1 the recommendation of Al-anon as the next best option. This is always an option. It may be extremely difficult, but in the long run not as difficult as sharing your life with someone like this. ☹ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-boyfriend-still-using/800964.md?page=2)