# Is my friend hitting on me, messing with me, or are men just getting more comfortable w/ each other? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 4, 2014, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788 "2014-08-04T14:27:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/21 "2014-08-04T18:40:26Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Here’s a fun game: try to find a more disturbing euphemism for the phenomenon that **Licentious Ectopmorph** is describing than “skin hunger.” > > Betcha can’t! Okay, I’m loath to admit this because I hate that vapid, egotistical bitch, but “skin hunger” is an Oprah-ism. It seems as good a term as any for the entirely normal, human, and near-universal desire for bonding. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/22 "2014-08-04T18:43:54Z")
Asking to cuddle is an odd thing in our current culture. It just really isn’t done. Your friend knows that. So, either he is into you or messing with you. Based on your OP he could tell you were uncomfortable and he continues to ask. When other people showed they were not uncomfortable with the idea (said yes) he stopped asking them but never got around to cuddling. We in the male community have a term for this. It is called “fucking with you.” It can be funny to say things that are considered beyond generally acceptable. Among close male friends showing you are upset by this is generally an open invitation to ribbing. The correct response is, “Only if I get to be the big spoon,” or “there damn well better be a reach around,” or “I’m not falling for that one again Father O’Maley.” ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/23 "2014-08-04T18:49:56Z")
I’m in my 40s but one of my younger friends who just turned 30 has a few other guy friends around the same age. While all of them have wives or girlfriends they do seem to always be touching eachother in some way. Wrestling, wet willys, ass slaps, head locks, etc. I’m not really into that kind of bonding but I guess they are and it seems pretty normal for a lot of guys. Cuddling on the orther hand?? I’ve never seen any of them do that except in a kind of joking manner to get a reaction from another. I think any one of them would be kind of freaked if one was serious about it. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/24 "2014-08-04T18:52:37Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Here’s a fun game: try to find a more disturbing euphemism for the phenomenon that **Licentious Ectopmorph** is describing than “skin hunger.” > > Betcha can’t! Dermaphagia? “Baby, don’t run, I’m just feeling dermaphagous!” The scary thing is that if you google it, it appears to be a relatively common phrasing. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/25 "2014-08-04T19:02:51Z")
> [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](#): > > Why would you hope they “grow the fuck out of it”? It’s not the norm you’re accustomed to, therefore it’s wrong for all people until the end of time? Correct me if I’m off the mark, but it seems you’re squicked out by any perception of any remote hint of homosexuality, whether it exists in reality or not. It’s entirely possible for persons of the same gender to love one another non-sexually. I don’t think that’s creepy - I think the world needs more of it. It gladdens me that young people are less uptight these days. My adolescence would have been very different. Anecdotal observations and personal conclusions warning issued: These kids I’m describing aren’t gay. At least most of them are not. They are playing a game which seems exactly the one the OP describes. It’s a game where each plays as close to that line that crosses from straight male to gay male and wait until their buddy flinches. At least most of them appear to be playing at it. Some are probably exploring their own sexuality to see what feels normal for them. But most come across as being completely flippant and dishonest about the bromantic notions and sentiments they pitch at one another so obviously. So in that sense I find it sophomoric and obnoxious and I hope they grow the fuck out of it. Be straight, be gay, be bi. I don’t really care what you are. But quit making a mockery of it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/26 "2014-08-04T19:03:05Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > There’s a [possibility](http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/29/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/) that the rejection of hetero physical contact is the aberration, rather than the reverse. Nice series of pictures, thank you for sharing. I’ve said here before that young men in India easily hold hands as they are walking down the street, or even put their arms around each other. They aren’t coming out. It’s a culture where being gay just Isn’t Done. So generally people when they see two men holding hands they think of them as very good friends, unless they have shown some other indication of being gay. Mostly that has to be pretty darn strong before parents even think of it. So now we have two kinds of cultures. A culture wherein being gay is so far off the pale you may as well be murdering little children as being gay, so no one thinks of “decent” people as being gay, so when you hold hands with another man, you couldn’t possibly be gay if you are considered “decent”. Not good. Or a culture where being gay is sort of kind of accepted but straight men won’t even touch each other because they are afraid of being considered gay. Are men not lonely for touch? Skin hunger is a creepy word but it exists. I can tell you that I have never asked a female friend to cuddle, but in touching or hugging a female friend I never think of the gay aspect. I know I’m not, that’s all there is to it. If she is, well, I don’t flatter myself to think that every lesbian is attracted to me. Is there no happy medium? Maybe the kids these days are coming up with a good one. Because if they do touch, and if they do hug, and yet are not gay, it seems pretty clear to me they’re doing it because they want to, because they want to be touched and hugged, and it has nothing to do with sex, just human contact. After a man reaches puberty is no one supposed to touch him again except for a woman that he’s sleeping with? I think there’s more of a problem there than the alternative. Anyway, good for the kids. I don’t know about the cuddling. I mean it’s weird to me, but I can only speak from my vantage point, and I am definitely not “one of the kids” anymore. The only way I’ll be called young now is if I die suddenly. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/27 "2014-08-04T19:12:48Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Here’s a fun game: try to find a more disturbing euphemism for the phenomenon that **Licentious Ectopmorph** is describing than “skin hunger.” it puts the ketchup on its skin or else it gets the hose again ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/28 "2014-08-04T19:14:54Z")
Doesn’t really matter if he is gay or not, or if you are gay or not. If you would enjoy cuddling with him, then cuddle with him. If you would not enjoy cuddling with him, then politely and kindly tell him that you do not want to cuddle with him. Either way, enjoy the friendship. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/29 "2014-08-04T19:20:14Z")
The very use of the word “cuddle” is the problem here. I simply cannot fathom, in 2014, a heterosexual male asking another heterosexual male to “cuddle.” It’s either a jest or the dude is gay. These guys are right in my age range, and it is _not_ commonplace by any stretch of the imagination to lay in a bed with another man with your arms and legs wrapped around his body. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/30 "2014-08-04T19:28:47Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Straight guys don’t ask to cuddle with other guys. Not in my world anyway. This. I’m almost 50. I have never heard of straight guys cuddling with each other until now. The only person I have ever heard use the phrase 'skin hungry was my ex-wife. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/31 "2014-08-04T19:30:33Z")
I don’t think it’s necessarily a jest or gay, I’ve known straight men, though typically not Americans, who would see nothing of two grown straight men cuddling, holding hands, or whatever. That said, given our culture, and that the evidence seems that he’s not gay, I’d probably lean toward jesting. Speaking just for myself, physical contact is quite intimate for me for various reasons, and other than my young neice or nephew or a pet, I wouldn’t cuddle with anyone, even a woman I am interested in (though obviously different if I were in a relationship), because of the level of trust involved. I do have a high degree of intimacy with my close friends, but it’s just not expressed in a physical way. That said, regardless of your friend’s intentions, it’s one thing if he’s jesting, but if it does bug you enough that you’d feel the need to ask about it, it may be worth establishing more of a boundary about it. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/32 "2014-08-04T20:54:57Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > [These guys don’t look all that cold.](http://u1.ipernity.com/13/19/12/6601912.d83114a5.640.jpg?r2) Those guys are Nazis, btw. Not that there’s anything… oh wait, there is something wrong with that! \* Und das ist Die Hauthunger!\* But point being, they’re not Americans, and they also look to be posing for a picture, not just being photographed randomly. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/33 "2014-08-04T21:03:18Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > Try kissing him. If he’s hitting on you, he should be into it. So that should at least narrow things down. Blowing him would narrow it down even more. > [@John\_Mace](#): > > I don’t think so. Soldiers did that when they were freezing. Yeah I was going to say that too. The WWII generation was not known for its openness towards man on man expressions of physical closeness. > [@Miller](#): > > Here’s a fun game: try to find a more disturbing euphemism for the phenomenon that **Licentious Ectopmorph** is describing than “skin hunger.” > > Betcha can’t! Not taking that bet. > [@Miller](#): > > [These guys don’t look all that cold.](http://u1.ipernity.com/13/19/12/6601912.d83114a5.640.jpg?r2) That picture makes Liberace look straight in comparison. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/34 "2014-08-04T21:05:41Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > That picture makes Liberace look straight in comparison. They’re not gay. They’re EUROPEAN! ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/35 "2014-08-04T21:07:44Z")
> [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](#): > > Okay, I’m loath to admit this because I hate that vapid, egotistical bitch, but “skin hunger” is an Oprah-ism. It seems as good a term as any for the entirely normal, human, and near-universal desire for bonding. Oh, you watch Oprah. Wanna cuddle? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/36 "2014-08-04T21:12:42Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > The very use of the word “cuddle” is the problem here. > > I simply cannot fathom, in 2014, a heterosexual male asking another heterosexual male to “cuddle.” If I asked my wife to cuddle, she’d think I was gay. Straight guys don’t say “cuddle”! The most baffling thing about the OP is the “Join Date: Aug 2014” that I swear ought to be there, but isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/37 "2014-08-04T21:58:20Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Those guys are Nazis, btw. Not that there’s anything… oh wait, there is something wrong with that! \* Und das ist Die Hauthunger!\* > > But point being, they’re not Americans, and they also look to be posing for a picture, not just being photographed randomly. Who said they had to be American? The original claim was just “WWII soldiers.” But, okay, I’m sure I can find some equivalent pictures of Americans. Let’s see… Okay, here’s one… no, wait, they’re [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/9/81/68/3368168.36428d6c.640.jpg?r2) How about… no, also [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/15/89/88/8308988.0c6a1f5f.640.jpg?r2) [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/12/21/57/5782157.ec4d926a.640.jpg?r2) [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/12/48/44/5974844.f085158c.640.jpg?r2) _Really_ [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/16/00/34/9090034.3934b255.640.jpg?r2) [German.](http://u1.ipernity.com/11/39/22/5103922.88adbde8.640.jpg?r2) [German.](http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/hitleryouth/hj-soldiers-foxhole.jpg) WTF, Nazi Germany? ([Meanwhile, in Poland…](http://cdn2.spiegel.de/images/image-370671-galleryV9-boho.jpg)) ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/38 "2014-08-04T22:11:50Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Oh, you watch Oprah. Wanna cuddle? 😃 Maybe. Are you cute? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2014, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/39 "2014-08-04T22:12:14Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > The most baffling thing about the OP is the “Join Date: Aug 2014” that I swear ought to be there, but isn’t. Sorry, I don’t get this. It might be a joke because when he asked to cuddle the fist time, I said no, without saying something along the lines of “only if I get to be the big spoon”. This is because I didn’t want to make a joke if he was serious, and I don’t find it particularly funny to parody homosexual behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2014, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788/40 "2014-08-05T00:01:36Z")
Did you friend also jokingly ask you to put your penis inside his anus? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friend-hitting-on-me-messing-with-me-or-are-men-just-getting-more-comfortable-w-each-other/694788.md?page=3)