# Is my friend's new BF lying to her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 7, 2007, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411 "2007-09-07T22:52:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/61 "2007-09-08T13:59:19Z")
I wrote: \> There’s a way to resolve this without this girl immediately confronting him about \> the lies about his supposedly secret missions immediately. Well, so much for my ability to proofread. Delete one “immediately.” ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/62 "2007-09-08T14:10:04Z")
I don’t see anywhere in the OP that he claims that the Coast Guard is sending him to Afghanistan. I’m not sure that citing Coast Guard procedures/policies/whatever is the way to go. The guy is full of shit, however. It’s unfortunate that she believes him. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/63 "2007-09-08T15:06:09Z")
[QUOTE=Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor] Tell us, has your pal responded to our remarks? Did she clobber you for telling her, or merely accuse you of hating her, & trying to split her up “because you’re so jealous of our happiness”? 'Cause…that’s what _usually_ happens. [/QUOTE] I sent the e-mail. Now, I just have to wait and see what she says back. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/64 "2007-09-08T15:27:22Z")
[QUOTE=Evil One] As drachillix noted, an MOS is not classified. You could be the nastiest special operator on the planet, but the Navy will call you a Bosun’s Mate or a Cook. [/QUOTE] That is kind of a misleading answer, and yes I get the reference 😃 . I am having difficulty with a cite as to the actual designation but IIRC all seals share the same MOS (something to do with underwater demolitions team). So the fact that you are a special ops guy is no secret, what you do as one, the vast majority of us will never know. ---
**Author:** ![Scruloose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@Scruloose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruloose)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/65 "2007-09-08T15:48:15Z")
Coastie here. While I won’t say the story is _impossible_, I’d say it’s highly unlikely and I’m of the opinion that it’s BS. To my knowledge, the CG has no involvement in Afghanistan. It’s not impossible, mind you; I’m constantly amazed at where CG personnel sometimes end up. But I’d say it’s highly unlikely. Plus, he’s retired? We’re constantly sending people all over the place, including Iraq, so there’d be no reason the CG wouldn’t send someone who is active duty or a reserve on call up. If he went, and that’s a big if, he likely went as some type of civilian contractor or adviser. > [@drachillix](#): > > I am having difficulty with a cite as to the actual designation but IIRC all seals share the same MOS (something to do with underwater demolitions team). So the fact that you are a special ops guy is no secret, what you do as one, the vast majority of us will never know. I don’t believe that’s the case. I believe SEALS can be any rate in the Navy. I’m currently reading the book _Lone Survivor_. The co-author, a Navy SEAL named Marcus Luttrell, is a Hospital Corpsman. [This cite appears to agree.](http://science.howstuffworks.com/navy-seal4.htm) ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/66 "2007-09-08T15:58:00Z")
First thought is that he’s married. He spins the whole ‘special ops’ mission lie to cover the fact that he’s married and can’t get away from the wife to see your friend. He probably tells the wife some line of bullshit about business trips when he’s seeing your friend. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/67 "2007-09-08T16:07:32Z")
Does the guy claim to live with his grandmother (Aunt, Sister, other female relative) who is immensely wealthy due to her part ownership of (insert world famous corporation)? And is the poor lady going to die very soon due to a terminal condition of some sort? And will he inherit her money because she hates the rest of her family but loves him because he takes care of her? If so, I know the guy; he is also ex CIA and ex undercover DEA but maybe he hasn’t revealed that part of his background. Your friend is dating a hustler and its just a matter of time before he needs money or needs to borrow her credit card and he will pay her back just as soon as his wealthy whatever croaks. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/68 "2007-09-08T16:12:25Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] First thought is that he’s married. He spins the whole ‘special ops’ mission lie to cover the fact that he’s married and can’t get away from the wife to see your friend. He probably tells the wife some line of bullshit about business trips when he’s seeing your friend. [/QUOTE] He lived near my friend and worked in the same library she did. Then he relocated to be closer to his youngest kid (15). I’m not sure why he’d have been living in Rhode Island, then would move to NY, if he were married the whole time. I agree it sounds like he had something going on, probably involving another woman, during his 11 day “special ops” trip. I imagine him on a cruise or something, out of the country where his cell phone didn’t work. I’m just not sure of the logistics or how it would work if he were married. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/69 "2007-09-08T16:53:15Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] I’d write more, but sadly I’m off to Germany for 8 days to do some special ops work against the Nazis. Top Secret, ya’ know. [/QUOTE] > [@](#): > > Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar. > Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back? > Ted Striker: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/70 "2007-09-08T19:29:10Z")
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth] We know a fellow who just goes on ‘business trips’. Doesn’t say where, just casually mentions he’ll be away for awhile. Given the department of the government he works for, I don’t ask details. [/QUOTE] Yep. That’s usually the way these people are. One of those things I learned from my parents and the diplomats they hung out with when I was growing up. Dinners were always entertaining when dealing with some of the… “Business” folk. Yes. “So, Fred! How’s the job?” “Good… I’m off on business for a while…Dunno how long yet.” “Oh yeah? Where to?” “Eh, here and there, ya know how it is. How about them Jays, eh?” “Hey, Fred! How was your trip? Looks like you took in some sun.” “Productive.” “Nice.” “Brought gifts for the kids and some for yours.” “How sweet!” (Strangely, “Fred’s” business-trips-with-no-destination gifts were usually pretty generic and usually involved a stuffed animal he’d bought in Ottawa, before leaving…) Yeah, dude is lying through his teeth. 11 days? No way in God’s Green Earth he could have gotten the paperwork through, gotten briefed, deployed, debriefed and back at work in 11 days… As for your pal, Ruby, I’d sit her down and make her read this thread. The huge-ass age gap and this huge-ass red flag makes me twitch – I bet his track record isn’t stellar. Hell, I bet he’s a disaster waiting to happen, but that he’s a smooth talker and that he has her wrapped around his little finger. He’s probably quite the charmer (at least, to her…) Run. RUN FAST. And far… ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/71 "2007-09-08T20:38:49Z")
And if she still wants to date an older guy, I’m available, & I am willing to tell her that I work for the **U** nited **N** etwork **C** ommand for **L** aw and **E** nforcement, if that makes her [del]horny[/del] happy. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/72 "2007-09-08T20:52:11Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] Well you know, there really is a huge need for old, ex Coast Guard librarians in Afghanistan right now. [/QUOTE] Well, who else would you turn to to collect the overdue fines on the copy of _Jane’s Fighting Ships_ that Osama hasn’t returned yet? ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/73 "2007-09-08T21:42:21Z")
[QUOTE=Elenfair] Yep. That’s usually the way these people are. One of those things I learned from my parents and the diplomats they hung out with when I was growing up. Dinners were always entertaining when dealing with some of the… “Business” folk. Yes. [/QUOTE] I’ve had some of these conversations as well; my grandfather worked for “the State Department” and a lot of my dad’s childhood friends from Bethesda now do as well. Those guys are REALLY GOOD at gracefully changing the topic of a conversation. I used to work with a pathological liar. We were copy-clerks at Kinko’s in the mid-90s, and he would tell me about his “other job” as an undercover vice cop. Infiltrating gangs, busting big coke dealers who drove Ferraris, and courageously reporting his crooked co-officers to Internal Affairs were all in a day’s work for this heroic 22-year-old. He also insisted that everyone call him “Indy,” as in “Indiana Jones.” The really embarrassing part? I _completely believed him_ for a month or two. Finally I realized that none of his amazing exploits ever made the news, and his stories of a “media blackout” on them seemed to change daily. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/74 "2007-09-08T23:26:09Z")
[QUOTE=Evil One] As drachillix noted, an MOS is not classified. You could be the nastiest special operator on the planet, but the Navy will call you a Bosun’s Mate or a Cook. [/QUOTE] The active duty seal I lived with was enlisted as a deck ape [bosuns mate] and that remained his rate the entire time he was in. He would tend to just say he was on shore duty at the Amphib base in Virginia Beach. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2007, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/75 "2007-09-08T23:28:56Z")
Hell, Steven Segal was just a [cook](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105690/) and he was on a serious mission. ---
**Author:** ![Sanity\_Challenged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de053/32.png) [@Sanity\_Challenged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sanity_Challenged)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2007, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/76 "2007-09-09T00:05:32Z")
[QUOTE=LouisB] Your friend is dating a hustler and its just a matter of time before he needs money or needs to borrow her credit card and he will pay her back just as soon as his wealthy whatever croaks. [/QUOTE] I had the same thought. The lie is so outlandish as to be a gullibility check. ---
**Author:** ![Auntbeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Auntbeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Auntbeast)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2007, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/77 "2007-09-09T06:09:04Z")
I worked with a slew of former seals. You would have never, ever known. I have a friend that works at a defense contractor. I’ve known him for 21 years. I know the name of the company he works for. We have a lot of military folk at my place of work. We have one guy, he’s military, I don’t know what branch, what is rank is, anything (most of the get chatty with each other) I’m one of the few folks that know his name. He disappears for weeks at a time. I’ve never had anyone say they did “top secret” work or allude to any sort of secret missions, assasination attempts, nada. zilch. At least, not anyone that had any credibility at all. Plenty of poseurs. Seriously, people who are in sneaky jobs are very, very good at avoiding any discussion about what they do. To put it in perspective, I knew my friend broke down and bought a cock ring, but I had no idea what his job was or what he did all day. With kids that age, I’m wondering if it was the 11 days before school started. Many of my friends do the “end of summer vacation” vacation thingy right before school starts up. If it was my friend, and I met the guy, I’d ask him how his wife was or his therapist. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2007, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/78 "2007-09-09T08:49:50Z")
[QUOTE=Wendell Wagner] There’s a way to resolve this without this girl immediately confronting him about the lies about his supposedly secret missions immediately. First, she should ask him where this relationship is going. She should say, “Are we ever going to get married or even live together? I’m not asking you to marry me right now, or to get engaged, or even to move in with me immediately. But we should be spending more time together than you just occasionally dropping in on me and then disappearing for a long time. I want to visit you where you live for a week or so. I want to spend a few hours with your children. I want you to introduce me to your ex-wife. I want you to introduce me to the rest of your family. I want to meet some of your friends and your co-workers so we can socialize together.” If he gets bothered by her asking him to do even that, then she should be able to figure out that something is wrong. [/QUOTE] This is excellent advice. Pathological lyers (google [mythomania](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudologia_phantastica) or " pseudologica phantastica") as a rule keep their victims apart from other people that know them well, because their cover would be blown in the first five sentences exchanged. Usually they make up a lie about their familymembers being dead or having them cut out of their lives. **Rubystreak** , you are a good friend for trying to protect this girl. Having believed a big fat lyer might scar this girl even further. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2007, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/79 "2007-09-09T09:00:11Z")
And, of course, there’s a [book](http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1580622100/ref=sib_dp_pt/103-2449399-6533469#reader-link) for everything. This one “Romantic Deception, the six signs he’s lying” gets good reviews on Amazon. Three red flags listed are: -Does he know far more about you then you know about him? -Are you still waiting to meet his family and friends? -Is he often in situations where you can’t reach him? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2007, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411/80 "2007-09-09T12:39:40Z")
[QUOTE=Sanity Challenged] I had the same thought (that he’ll soon need to borrow money). The lie is so outlandish as to be a gullibility check. [/QUOTE] I think it would be more likely if she was in her 40s and he was in his 20s. I say this because most 20 year olds simply don’t have a lot of money to borrow. Or if she was in her 20s and pursuing 40 year old men. The motive is almost always money. However, since your friend is the chasee, not the chaser, I’d say the more likely scenario is that he’s trying to impress women who are way out of his league by making his life seem far more exciting than it really is. A mercenary sounds sooo much more appealing than, you know, insurance adjuster. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-new-bf-lying-to-her/418411.md?page=5)