# Is my friend's race preventing her from finding decent partners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2009, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634 "2009-05-26T01:04:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/21 "2009-05-26T03:42:20Z")
It would help if you can get her to agree to let you post a link to her personal ad. Maybe there is something about the way she presents herself that is scaring people off. ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/22 "2009-05-26T03:46:56Z")
> [@ParentalAdvisory](#): > > Anybody ever listen to Dr. Drew on _Loveline_? One of the things he asks of callers with issues, is if they had abuse in the household. A lot of callers say, “no, nothing out of the ordinary”. Then he’ll ask, “ok, what is ordinary? did your parents argue a lot when you were a child?” The caller will say, “yes”. Then he’ll say, “that’s abuse!”, and then go on a rant about what that means. > > Now I know some people have issues with Dr. Drew, but that’s not what I’m talking about. My point? What we think is ordinary, can actually be harmful. That “somewhat dysfunctional” attribute you gave to her family? Could be something there. I’m not saying it’s a certainty, but what we dismiss as ordinary or what we think is normal sometimes isn’t and can have long lasting effects on someone later in life. And I don’t think it’s so easy to say “everybody has a dysfunctional family”. The thing with that is, is to what degree… It’s interesting that you touched upon this. I used to watch loveline a long time ago. Does it still come on? Do you or Dr. Drew have any examples of these unattractive vibes that one may give out? > [@kasuo](#): > > Does she believe this or do you? This part stuck out for me – it sounds like she’s self-defeatest if she believes this. > > Do you agree with that statement based on what you’ve seen around KC? Well, I’d really really hate to believe this…but going by what I SEE and LOTS of ancedotal evidence, she’s pretty much right. I hardly ever see any women of color with really desirable men, or vice versa. The vast majority of my peers from past and present say they are not attracted to blacks and Hispanics, even if they are black or Hispanic themselves. The few who are said they are, would be hesitant to date them. I’m attracted to all races, but I wasn’t born in KC. > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Well, if nobody who is classy and attractive dates someone like her, then _by her own definition_ none of the people who date her can be classy and attractive. It sort of makes me wonder if she takes a subconscious negative attitude toward the sort of people she’d ideally like to attract. > [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > At some point, it’s hard not to agree with the [DeMotivator](http://www.despair.com/dysfunction.html): “The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.” She might benefit from counseling to see if she’s internalized some bad ideas about relationship behavior and what to expect from a partner. She may be unconsciously devaluing herself and seeking out men who will devalue her as well. I dunno…she used to be quite confident until she started getting turned down repeatedly by those she was attracted to. > [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > I know this would be a massive invasion of her privacy, but a picture would help so as not to determine if she just might not be a bit more universally (I know you said she was) attractive. > [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Um… not knowing how to ask other than ask… is she ugly? Ok, let’s say _unattractive_? Does she think she is? > > I am a self-identifying unattractive person. I don’t get dates with classy and attractive women either. She would kill me if I did that, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that in the first place. I am quite confident that she IS attractive, on a scale 1-10, I’d say 7. Not supermodel looks, but is attractive more than the average bear. She modeled all the way until age 14 (and she still looks 14). She does get hit on by other attractive men and women sometimes, but they are “off”. The few who aren’t off, are really unattractive. ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/23 "2009-05-26T03:49:54Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m not saying it’s a certainty, but what we dismiss as ordinary or what we think is normal sometimes isn’t and can have long lasting effects on someone later in life. And I don’t think it’s so easy to say “everybody has a dysfunctional family” YES! Maybe too she might not have ever been exposed to what a good healthy relationship is. Maybe she has a mild learning disabilty. One of my friends was molested and has a learning disabilty. She has the worst abilty to “get it” when someone isn’t exactly a good person (first boyfriend was abusive, thought a bunch of people at college were OK when they were really fucked up) ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/24 "2009-05-26T03:52:51Z")
It doesn’t have to be anything this complex. She may dress poorly. Perhaps she needs to work on her appearance - you may know her natural beauty but, again, you’re her friend and not dating her. Lots of people who have natural good looks ruin it with poor manner of dress and style. Perhaps she sucks at conversation. She is certainly not looking in the right places. (Bars? Come on.) And it could be BAD LUCK. Lots of people haven’t found many good dates by 26. If she has a personal ad, link it. It’s public info. Feel free to PM me if you’d rather not broadcast it; I’ll provide honest and solid feedback. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/25 "2009-05-26T04:02:18Z")
Now, I don’t really know anything about Kansas City, but perhaps it’s her location? I live in the Washington DC area, and an attractive, well-educated Latina would have no problem meeting nice quality men here. There’s a diverse ethnic mix here, mostly transplants from other areas of the country, and it seems to me there is much less racism here. Is she planning on staying in Kansas City? Perhaps she would do better in a bigger metropolitan area like DC, New York, or LA or SF, California? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/26 "2009-05-26T04:19:36Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > The men and women she attracts either are drug users, have criminal records, have untreated mental illness, are unusually socially awkward, approach her in an extremely sexually aggressive way (despite that she almost never wear revealing clothes), unambitious, too old, or very unattractive. In other words, no one that you would want to take home to meet your parents. Hmm…which of these things is not like the other? Maybe she ought to rethink the “unambitious” part. Not every unambitious man is a leech or a bore. Some are just happy where they are. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/27 "2009-05-26T04:21:46Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > and she still looks 14 If you’re not exaggerating, this could be a big reason. Non-skeevy people tend not to hit on kids. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/28 "2009-05-26T04:44:16Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > She has always told me that she can’t attract decent men (and women, she identifies as “straight” but she is open-minded) because she is Hispanic. And that classy and attractive men and women, regardless of their race, don’t date brown and black people. While I’ll grant that society seems to favor lighter folks over darker ones, her contention is not wholly accurate. I know a number of classy and worthwhile people of various races who are married to or partnered with dark-skinned people, and that’s here in Kansas City. Note I said “worthwhile” rather than attractive. None of the ones I know are unattractive, and some are quite good-looking, but I wouldn’t expect to see any of them on a magazine cover. Now, her perception that skin shade and/or race is a hindrance may well be fueled by some of her life experiences, and may have a degree of truth to it. Kansas City is certainly not at the forefront of racial progressiveness. My concern, which echoes some previous posts, is that she embraces that notion to the point where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her looks may make getting dates a little harder than it is for some other folks, but how she looks is not making it impossible. I’ve reread your posts just now, and deleted a paragraph about self-perception. That may have some bearing, but it doesn’t address everything you’ve told us. I’m going to suggest two factors: age and exposure. By age, I mean a lot of young men can be pretty stupid. I was when I was in my twenties. I rejected or failed to pursue some fine women because I hadn’t learned yet what to really appreciate about them. After I matured to the point where I had an eye out for marriage, it took me several years to find the right gal\*. In sum: things may get better with time. By exposure, I mean where one meets people. Often a productive approach is involvement in some type of activity - church projects, volunteer service, hobby or sports club, etc. - where you **do** things (that you like to do) with other people. The relationships that can develop from this sort of thing tend to lead towards meeting decent folk. \*ETA: And she was (and still is) a gem and was in her thirties and not yet taken. Fortunately for me, a bunch of other men were still stupid enough to pass over her. ---
**Author:** ![Darryl\_Lict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7cd45c/32.png) [@Darryl\_Lict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darryl_Lict)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/29 "2009-05-26T04:54:35Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Now, I don’t really know anything about Kansas City, but perhaps it’s her location? I live in the Washington DC area, and an attractive, well-educated Latina would have no problem meeting nice quality men here. There’s a diverse ethnic mix here, mostly transplants from other areas of the country, and it seems to me there is much less racism here. Is she planning on staying in Kansas City? Perhaps she would do better in a bigger metropolitan area like DC, New York, or LA or SF, California? I’m inclined to agree with this. What are the demographics of KC? Isn’t it mostly white and black and perhaps lower economic class hispanics? People are probably just not used to well educated Latinas (which is a bummer, but still would drive me to make a run to a coast if I was in her situation). I’m thinking that race is less of an issue for people on the coasts because of the ethnic diversity found there. Are you the same sex? Perhaps you are not picking up social cues that men consider. Hell, my town is full of good looking women and Hispanics so if you happen to intersect the two, life is good. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/30 "2009-05-26T06:00:24Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > I’m strongly considering moving to Missouri next year. Unsolicitied advice: seriously rethink that plan. Seriously. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/31 "2009-05-26T06:20:34Z")
The immense majority of the guys I attracted while in the US were completely ineligible, but I think it was in part due to the same reasons that make people ask me for directions in the street: I look like I know what I’m doing, but at the same time completely approachable; I also have looked younger than my age since my teens (this attracts the predators, but scares away the decent guys :smack:). I’m 41 now and the last time I had to show proof of age was about 6 months ago, to a guy who’d dated me at “30 tops” 😛 I’m Hispanic, and very much white… ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/32 "2009-05-26T11:19:27Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > … Not supermodel looks, but is attractive more than the average bear. … Discussion one… appropriate standards of comparison. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/33 "2009-05-26T11:20:37Z")
It’s her personality and mental make up not her race. ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/34 "2009-05-26T12:09:35Z")
> [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > YES! > Maybe too she might not have ever been exposed to what a good healthy relationship is. Maybe she has a mild learning disabilty. > One of my friends was molested and has a learning disabilty. She has the worst abilty to “get it” when someone isn’t exactly a good person (first boyfriend was abusive, thought a bunch of people at college were OK when they were really fucked up) No learning disability, just extremely naive. Moreso than me, which I didn’t know was possible, lol. But, how can one tell just by looking at her? She’s not one of those people who goes out on a date, and can’t get a second one. She almost never makes it to that point in the first place. When we go out, she hardly ever gets “checked out” or looked at. And with mutual friends, they always say that she isn’t their type, whatever that means. > [@RickJay](#): > > It doesn’t have to be anything this complex. > > She may dress poorly. Perhaps she needs to work on her appearance - you may know her natural beauty but, again, you’re her friend and not dating her. Lots of people who have natural good looks ruin it with poor manner of dress and style. Perhaps she sucks at conversation. She is certainly not looking in the right places. (Bars? Come on.) > > And it could be BAD LUCK. Lots of people haven’t found many good dates by 26. > > If she has a personal ad, link it. It’s public info. Feel free to PM me if you’d rather not broadcast it; I’ll provide honest and solid feedback. She’s tried everywhere. Church, school, sports teams and work. > [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Now, I don’t really know anything about Kansas City, but perhaps it’s her location? I live in the Washington DC area, and an attractive, well-educated Latina would have no problem meeting nice quality men here. There’s a diverse ethnic mix here, mostly transplants from other areas of the country, and it seems to me there is much less racism here. Is she planning on staying in Kansas City? Perhaps she would do better in a bigger metropolitan area like DC, New York, or LA or SF, California? We have a mutual friend who is also convinced that it is her race, and is trying to get her to move to, or at least visit NYC. > [@Gary\_T](#): > > While I’ll grant that society seems to favor lighter folks over darker ones, her contention is not wholly accurate. I know a number of classy and worthwhile people of various races who are married to or partnered with dark-skinned people, and that’s here in Kansas City. Note I said “worthwhile” rather than attractive. None of the ones I know are unattractive, and some are quite good-looking, but I wouldn’t expect to see any of them on a magazine cover. > > Now, her perception that skin shade and/or race is a hindrance may well be fueled by some of her life experiences, and may have a degree of truth to it. Kansas City is certainly not at the forefront of racial progressiveness. My concern, which echoes some previous posts, is that she embraces that notion to the point where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her looks may make getting dates a little harder than it is for some other folks, but how she looks is not making it impossible. > > I’ve reread your posts just now, and deleted a paragraph about self-perception. That may have some bearing, but it doesn’t address everything you’ve told us. I’m going to suggest two factors: age and exposure. > > By age, I mean a lot of young men can be pretty stupid. I was when I was in my twenties. I rejected or failed to pursue some fine women because I hadn’t learned yet what to really appreciate about them. After I matured to the point where I had an eye out for marriage, it took me several years to find the right gal\*. In sum: things may get better with time. > > By exposure, I mean where one meets people. Often a productive approach is involvement in some type of activity - church projects, volunteer service, hobby or sports club, etc. - where you **do** things (that you like to do) with other people. The relationships that can develop from this sort of thing tend to lead towards meeting decent folk. > > \*ETA: And she was (and still is) a gem and was in her thirties and not yet taken. Fortunately for me, a bunch of other men were still stupid enough to pass over her. She’s tried those above places and no luck (and most were not single), that’s why she started going to bars. A couple of people mentioned that bars are the wrong place. Why? That’s I have the best luck, I was hoping that it would work for her, too. > [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > It’s her personality and mental make up not her race. She doesn’t have any huge personality flaws, except for the naive thing I mentioned above. Then again, how will this show up in her physical appearance, before people even get to know her? ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/35 "2009-05-26T12:40:00Z")
> [@Captain\_Carrot](#): > > [Quote=Diamonds02] > and she still looks 14 If you’re not exaggerating, this could be a big reason. Non-skeevy people tend not to hit on kids. [/QUOTE] If **Diamonds02** isn’t exaggerating how could this NOT be the reason? I think some clarification is needed. I’m attracted to women with smaller frames and fairly straight lines and not a lot of boob. Not the traditional standard of a great body but not uncommon either. I’m fine with my preference. But toss in a really young face too? Sorry - it’s just too much. I don`t want to be with people who look 14. I don`t even want to be seen with people who look 14. It’s skeevy. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/36 "2009-05-26T13:14:14Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > And that classy and attractive men and women, regardless of their race, don’t date brown and black people. I think everybody’s questions about possible alternative problems are very legitimate but I’ll go out on a limb and say she’s probably at a disadvantage because of her race. I say that as someone with a strong implicit preference for brown and black women. I don`t know much about Kansas City but I’d imagine it makes it worse. Classy is sort of a strange word I’d never use to describe myself or my friends but if I understand your intended meaning I think it applies to us. When I’m out with friends trying to pick up some black/hispanic/indian/other black or brown woman I often pick up on a “hey, great idea. I’d never have thought of that” attitude from my friends. There’s a sincere “Hey, good job, **Fuzzy Dunlop**. She’s wicked hot” but an implicit “Seriously, I didn`t even notice that chick existed” to go along with it. I also know lots of people, though not close friends, who’re open about just not being attracted to black women. I don`t think I’ve ever met anyone who admitted to not being attracted to latinas without being blatantly racist about it, but your friend gets mistaken for black right? ---
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/37 "2009-05-26T13:29:54Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > If **Diamonds02** isn’t exaggerating how could this NOT be the reason? I think some clarification is needed. > > I’m attracted to women with smaller frames and fairly straight lines and not a lot of boob. Not the traditional standard of a great body but not uncommon either. I’m fine with my preference. But toss in a really young face too? Sorry - it’s just too much. I don`t want to be with people who look 14. I don`t even want to be seen with people who look 14. It’s skeevy. Well, maybe 16-18. I remember her once visiting a high school (I forgot for what reason) and there were teachers harassing her for not having a hall pass. > [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > I think everybody’s questions about possible alternative problems are very legitimate but I’ll go out on a limb and say she’s probably at a disadvantage because of her race. I say that as someone with a strong implicit preference for brown and black women. I don`t know much about Kansas City but I’d imagine it makes it worse. > > Classy is sort of a strange word I’d never use to describe myself or my friends but if I understand your intended meaning I think it applies to us. When I’m out with friends trying to pick up some black/hispanic/indian/other black or brown woman I often pick up on a “hey, great idea. I’d never have thought of that” attitude from my friends. There’s a sincere “Hey, good job, **Fuzzy Dunlop**. She’s wicked hot” but an implicit “Seriously, I didn`t even notice that chick existed” to go along with it. > > I also know lots of people, though not close friends, who’re open about just not being attracted to black women. I don`t think I’ve ever met anyone who admitted to not being attracted to latinas without being blatantly racist about it, but your friend gets mistaken for black right? Yes she does, I thought she was black for the first six months I knew her, until I was brave enough to ask her what her racial background was. And there is some black further down her family line, she’s either 1/8 or 1/4 black. And, oh, do any of your peers give any reason why they are not attracted to black women? Is an appearance thing, or a cultural thing? To write off a whole race as unattractive is just plain ol’ bizarre to me. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/38 "2009-05-26T13:32:04Z")
Being a sucker and mark for abusive people is definitely linked too a person’s personality and mental make up. I didn’t say she was mentally screwed up. Your personality controls your body language too. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/39 "2009-05-26T14:09:31Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > Well, maybe 16-18. I remember her once visiting a high school (I forgot for what reason) and there were teachers harassing her for not having a hall pass. Well I’m a bit biased on the youthfulness but I think she should examine that more closely. When \*\*I \*\*was in high school I was (one time) mistaken for the new assistant principal and (routinely) questioned about being in the building without a visitor’s pass. I’m 25, but if I dated a 26 year old who looked 16-18 it would look like a 14-16 year age difference. Honestly though I think even men who look 25-27 would be uncomfortable with some who looks 16. Maybe your friend could try to look a little older? I find that being sleep deprived until your eyes look old and tired adds years like wonders. Or I keep seeing women my age wearing pretty dresses with these god awful fine knit cardigans that make them look 50. Maybe try that. Ok, I’m sorry. I don’t have any actual tips look a bit older. > [@Diamonds02](#): > > Yes she does, I thought she was black for the first six months I knew her, until I was brave enough to ask her what her racial background was. And there is some black further down her family line, she’s either 1/8 or 1/4 black. > > And, oh, do any of your peers give any reason why they are not attracted to black women? Is an appearance thing, or a cultural thing? To write off a whole race as unattractive is just plain ol’ bizarre to me. I’ve tried to piece it together and one theory I’ve come up with is that black women are larger and curvier _on average_ than women at large. My best guess is that this is what people are getting at. In my experience they’re not very good at articulating what they really mean so some guess work is required. I can sympathize because as I mentioned earlier I’m attracted to very svelte women. Big curvy women of any race, black included, just don’t really do it for me. The thing is, of course, there are black women of all shapes and sizes. So I agree completely it’s really bizarre to write off an entire race as unattractive. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634/40 "2009-05-26T14:16:11Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > I don’t know, but I’m curious because I have an ordinary white friend with the same problem. Me too, and being in the Netherlands, I’m pretty sure **salinqmind** and me are not talking about the same girl. It’s really all about vibe, and I second **ParentalAdvisory** that it could have more to do with her own upbringing then she might currently be aware of. I also recommend Internet dating and _her_ choosing the _men_ instead of waiting to be approached. Your friend sells herself short with her idea that she needs to “attract” men. Come on, these are the [del]the aughties[/del] [del]the new milennium[/del] modern times, and lots of friendly, non predatory men would be absolutely delighted if she approached them. And no, that wouldn’t mean they would lose respect for her because she “offered herself”. What she should not do is e-mail: “Sorry, I’m hispanic, an old maid at 26, and an ieensie bit cursed in the love department, so I can’t be choosy, and that’s why I emailed you. Do _you_ perhaps want me?” Better: "Hey! I saw that you also live in Boston and that you like going to concerts.. If you like my profile, drop me an email. " [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-friends-race-preventing-her-from-finding-decent-partners/497634.md?page=3)