# Is my widower status scaring off dates? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 18, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635 "2014-02-18T18:08:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/21 "2014-02-18T20:30:18Z")
I realize I meant to respond to this, but didn’t. > [@Stuffy](#): > > Is my widower status scaring off dates? Yes, it probably is. But as bup points out, that might not be a bad thing. I think it really depends on what you are looking for and how vulnerable you are. If you are just looking for some light dating and you have a bit of a tough hide, say you are single. Some women might ditch you immediately if they discover you are widowed, but you won’t really be out anything, so big deal. If you are looking for something more serious and/or are a more sensitive or vulnerable person, it’s really better to be rejected, if you’re gonna be rejected, right up front. It hurts less, it weeds out the people who should be weeded out, and you don’t even have to know that it was an issue. There are definitely times when it’s nice to be a bit more incognito. You might want to be around people who have no idea of the loss you suffered, basically because it does make them go all weird. You just need to assess what you want out of dating, what you need, and how you react to things like discomfort and rejection. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/22 "2014-02-18T20:46:52Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > As for the urn & photo, hey, nobody has the right to tell you to get over someone and purge them from your life. But, well, why would you keep that stuff around on display? Until you present a convincing argument to the contrary, it screams “I would rather be with her.” That stuff is a shadow in the room, always reminding the newcomer they are only there because their predecessor died. That they are a replacement. I don’t understand this at all. But it was the same vibe I got from the women. The picture an urn is two peices of maybe 50 items in the case. Its not even a pic of us together, just her in a silly costume for which she won a prize. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/23 "2014-02-18T21:07:48Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I think you should probably just list single. Gently mention it after talking to a woman- if it bothers her it’s on her, there’s nothing you can do it about it. But you were right to be offended by the woman asking when you’d take down your wife’s picture. I get that it could be intimidating, not being the only woman, in a sense, but, well, that’s part of life. I really expected the consensus to be that I was being silly or imagining it. Now I’m even more confused. Here’s the thing, I don’t know if any of you have seen the average 40 y/o womans’ dating profile but the average opening statement can be roughly paraphrased: > [@](#): > > Would you guys stop sending me pics of your package and asking for pictures of my breasts. I’m not any one’s cougar. No lying liars who lie. Then some generic stuff about the type of stuff they’d like to do on a date…. In light of that this seems dishonest. For a lot of reasons I thought going in that being a widower would be a plus. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/24 "2014-02-18T21:52:30Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > I don’t understand this at all. But it was the same vibe I got from the women. The picture an urn is two peices of maybe 50 items in the case. Its not even a pic of us together, just her in a silly costume for which she won a prize. That case is likely a synopsis of your life. The good things that have made you who you are, that you’re proud of, that you wouldn’t trade for anything. It’s a snapshot of you. Ya? Maybe it’s a subtle difference but…“one of these things is not like the others.” Think of it like this. A woman could grab anything out of that case and say, “Oooh! This looks interesting, tell me about this!” And she would prepare herself for a regaling tale that would allow her to participate in your fondness for said item. Except for one thing. Until a relationship has reached some level of maturity, it’s unrealistic to expect a woman to share your fondness of another woman, especially one you only reluctantly parted with. Self identifying as a widower is effectively the same thing as having your wife’s remains on display. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/25 "2014-02-18T21:59:27Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Maybe it’s a subtle difference but…“one of these things is not like the others.” Think of it like this. A woman could grab anything out of that case and say, “Oooh! This looks interesting, tell me about this!” And she would prepare herself for a regaling tale that would allow her to participate in your fondness for said item. Except for one thing. Until a relationship has reached some level of maturity, it’s unrealistic to expect a woman to share your fondness of another woman, especially one you only reluctantly parted with. Self identifying as a widower is effectively the same thing as having your wife’s remains on display. The new interest woman does not have to share his fondness of another woman. That’s an extreme thing to expect anyone to do, and not one the OP likely expects. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/26 "2014-02-18T22:07:02Z")
To the OP, if you’d like someone to take a gander at your profile and give you some input, send me a PM. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/27 "2014-02-18T22:13:22Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > \ > In light of that this seems dishonest. For a lot of reasons I thought going in that being a widower would be a plus. I think to some extent it is. As a 47 year old woman, here’s how my list of preferences would go if I was looking again: - Single, never married, had longterm relationships - Widowed - Divorced (no kids) On the “No Way, No How” pile - - Single, never married, still lives with his mom, never had a girlfriend - Divorced (with kids) On the plus side for you, a 13 year marriage shows that you were committed, and some woman was able to put up with you for 13 years (and you were able to put up with her). 🙂 I’d say the biggest red flag for me with a widower would be how long it is since your wife died. I’d be afraid of being a transitional relationship if it was too recent. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/28 "2014-02-18T22:21:46Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > This was also kind of confirmed a couple of months back when a neighbor friend and I briefly started a dalliance. She seemed offended that I have my late wife’s favorite picture and urn on one of my shelves. I’m not sure if offended was the right word, but I was sure offended when she asked when I planned to take them down. Now, this example may be just this woman as she seemed to be put out by any attention not focused squarely on her, and thus it was very short lived. I would not be put out in the least by a man who still had pictures of his late wife around. ESPECIALLY if they had children together and the children were still in the home. He should keep her memory alive for them. And any woman who doesn’t understand that, isn’t worth keeping around. Now if you keep her pictures in your bedroom and her clothing still in the closet, I’m probably gonna wish you well and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/29 "2014-02-18T22:23:31Z")
I imagine being a widower has pluses and minuses. The “plus” - you have had a long-term relationship and your relationship did not end in divorce; many assume (rightly or wrongly) that divorce indicates potential ongoing problems - if if was her fault, maybe it made you angry and bitter; if it was your fault, maybe it indicates personal problems on your part - and so either way it can be a red flag. [Never having had a long-term relationship can of course also raise red flags] The “minus” - the concern is that the deceased wife is really your one true love, faults and problems possibly forgotten in the tragedy of her passing, that she (the potential date) will always be compared with, unfavourably. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/30 "2014-02-18T22:30:51Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Whether it’s intended or not, “Widow(er)” in a profile says “Married to a dead person, but I’m lonely so, maybe you’ll do.” > > As for the urn & photo, hey, nobody has the right to tell you to get over someone and purge them from your life. But, well, why would you keep that stuff around on display? Because relegating her image and urn to a back closet or the attic is like disrespecting her memory. It’s like saying, “hey, you were good, but admitting you existed is cramping my style, know what I mean?” ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/31 "2014-02-18T22:35:34Z")
> [@Sahirrnee](#): > > It wouldn’t bother me at all. > Neither would the picture and the urn. > > Unless the picture/urn is in the bedroom. > It can be a mood killer to be getting it on with your lover and seeing their ex, children, or parents smiling at you. > > It would be a problem if she was all you talked about or if you were making comparisons between us. No its not my bedroom, it just a curio cabinet with probably 40-50 pics of well tons of stuff, along with my kids diplomas, trophies stuff picked up here and there. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/32 "2014-02-18T22:39:05Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Because relegating her image and urn to a back closet or the attic is like disrespecting her memory. It’s like saying, “hey, you were good, but admitting you existed is cramping my style, know what I mean?” This. Thank you for this **bup**! I kind of suck at expressing myself sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/33 "2014-02-18T22:40:25Z")
My mother married one of my father’s best friends after my dad’s death. He’d lost his first wife to cancer (as was my father’s cause of death). They kept pics with both spouses on the dresser in their bedroom. Just because someone died doesn’t mean you stop caring or loving. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t open to new relationships. StG ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/34 "2014-02-18T22:45:31Z")
> [@](#): > > **Is my widower status scaring off dates?** Honestly? I think it’s the Jeffrey Dahmer T-Shirt. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/35 "2014-02-18T22:53:51Z")
When I set up my profile the one thing I wanted to make sure I did was be completely honest. Not a good idea to start a relationship with lies. If the site has a separate category for widowed as opposed to single, saying single seems like you are hiding something. Women friends of mine told me that putting down separated would scare off a lot of women. Maybe it did but I was honest. Managed to find the right woman anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/36 "2014-02-18T23:00:14Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Because relegating her image and urn to a back closet or the attic is like disrespecting her memory. It’s like saying, “hey, you were good, but admitting you existed is cramping my style, know what I mean?” Is it disrespecting her memory? If the disrespect of the urn has the power to dimish the quality of the memories of his wife, it’s just as easy to play the other side and say dating in the presence of the urn is no less sordid. I mean no disrespect at all to **Stuffy**. I honestly don’t understand keeping the urn in the first place, or of maintaining a reference to a marriage that is over. OP was asking what might be offputting about “widower” and urn. I weighed in. I’ll shut up now. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/37 "2014-02-18T23:15:15Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Is it disrespecting her memory? If the disrespect of the urn has the power to dimish the quality of the memories of his wife, it’s just as easy to play the other side and say dating in the presence of the urn is no less sordid. > > I mean no disrespect at all to **Stuffy**. I honestly don’t understand keeping the urn in the first place, or of maintaining a reference to a marriage that is over. OP was asking what might be offputting about “widower” and urn. I weighed in. I’ll shut up now. Don’t worry, I’m not taking this personally. I’m asking because I want to know. I’m just not uderstanding your position. What exactly do you recommend I (used generically here) do with it? It seems the right place for it, or did. I’m starting to suspect I’m going to be alone a looooonnnnnggggg time. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/38 "2014-02-18T23:27:04Z")
**Stuffy** , what you do with her depends entirely on why you’ve got her, and is probably [del]food[/del] a subject for its own thread. But your wife is quite literally in your living room. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2014, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/39 "2014-02-18T23:34:34Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > Is it disrespecting her memory? If the disrespect of the urn has the power to dimish the quality of the memories of his wife, it’s just as easy to play the other side and say dating in the presence of the urn is no less sordid. > > I mean no disrespect at all to **Stuffy**. I honestly don’t understand keeping the urn in the first place, or of maintaining a reference to a marriage that is over. OP was asking what might be offputting about “widower” and urn. I weighed in. I’ll shut up now. Seriously? Did you miss the part about children? Not only was this his wife, but also their mother. Granted, not everyone keeps ashes around. But lots of people do. There’s nothing inherently wrong or creepy about it. A woman who would be threatened by a dead woman is just a bit loony and way too self centered. No poontang is worth that amount of cray-cray. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2014, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635/40 "2014-02-19T00:26:41Z")
I think that **jsgoddess** is right in that you’re better off being honest up-front and not getting tangled with people who may freak out on you when they find out. It’s a little difficult for me to imagine now what my reaction would have been to someone whose dating profile said they’d been widowed. I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that some people avoid prospects with that label. Maybe I would have, too, once. But having now dated and ultimately married someone who was widowed, I definitely wouldn’t find it something to avoid, now. I wish you the best of luck. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-my-widower-status-scaring-off-dates/681635.md?page=3)