# Is non-monogamy "immature"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2018, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757 "2018-01-02T16:02:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/81 "2018-01-06T13:56:32Z")
> [@Maurie](#): > > Where you keep wanting to know “why?” I keep wanting to know “why not?” Neither of us actively seek out new partners – it’s not like we go on dating sites or out on the prowl at singles bars or anything. But if I am attracted to someone who is also attracted to me, and we both want to be physical with each other, why would I say no? > … > > Your other question – how we characterize our non-monogamous relationships – I’m not sure exactly what you mean. But it’s not really like, ‘chicken wings’, is it? I assume you don’t tell each other what you can or cannot order at a restaurant. I also assume you don’t tell each other what platonic relationships you can enter into. However, as you’ve said up-thread, you do reserve the veto vote over whom the other can sleep with. If it’s just a matter of ‘chicken wings’, why the veto rule? To restate my earlier question, are your non primary relationships simply of the ‘friends with benefits’ nature? And if so, would you maintain those friendships without the sexual benefits? Do you think it would be mutual? Do you think they contribute something to your primary relationship? If so, what? > [@Pantastic](#): > > Conservative (especially religious) types tend to claim that maturity is doing what people/society/your parents/your priest/etc tells you should do, because maturity means following the rules that keep everything churning along. People like me will say that you demonstrate maturity by examining the world, making your own decisions, and leading your life in a way that fits your worldview instead of just bending to the will of other people. I think a lot of people who say that non-mono indicates immaturity view following the rules as a mark of maturity in and of itself, while I think you (the OP) probably don’t, and that disagreement over what maturity means is part of it’s easy to talk past each other. I hope you’re not suggesting that there is no room for difference of opinion on the subject for someone who: is an atheist, a life long liberal/progressive; someone who always tried to be an independent open minded thinker; someone not given to fits of jealousy; someone who has participated in an open relationship as one half of the primary couple and judged it an over all positive experience. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Now I want to give some allowance that not everything is an issue of maturity, necessarily. Some people just have different expectations and standards in their own relationships, and maybe two people agree that spending the night at a single friend’s house is crossing a line for their relationship. But there is still plenty of room to demonstrate maturity (or not) in that context just as well. Which is to say, polyamory or even being cool with your hubby crashing on other women’s couches is not inherently more mature than monogamy or having more conservative standards. The maturity part is how you negotiate and manage those standards within the context of whatever you two (three, four) have decided your relationship to be. But ISTM that in order to make a poly relationship last, you have to be really good at frequently and explicitly addressing those issues to the satisfaction of all parties - which probably requires a lot of maturity. In the context of the OP, I don’t mean to equate “immaturity” with “irresponsibility” - I just want to be on record with that. ISTM, that non-monogamous relationships serve to provide consensual adults with some or all of the following: - add titillation/excitement to the shared sexual experience of the primary relationship (sex play) - add a variety of sexual experiences that they are not getting in their primary relationships (boredom avoidance) - fill an emotional or physical need/desire that may be missing in their primary relationship (difficulty with trust or attachment) ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/82 "2018-01-06T16:42:45Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I hope you’re not suggesting… I’m suggesting what the words I actually wrote mean, and since I didn’t quote you or address you in any way, a reasonable person would conclude that I wasn’t talking about you specifically and was instead discussing the topic of thread while basically pretending you don’t exist. But to clarify, I’ve written you off - at this point I feel that it would be pointless to attempt to engage you in any significant way since when I previously attempted to engage in discussion of your claims you resorted to outright dodges and equivocation to avoid either admitting your error, clarifying your position to something that isn’t untrue, or offering substantive counter to what I said. The fact that you participated in one type of non-monogomy doesn’t change the simple fact that your implicit claim that non-monogamous relationships must involve a ‘primary relationship’ is simply wrong. And the claim to be ‘progressive’ by someone who thinks indigenous Americans who live in America today and continue ancient cultural practices don’t count as part of America is… interesting as I’ve said before. I tried to leave you the last word on the topic and simply stopped responding to you, since I’ve made my point and don’t want this thread to be all back and forth. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/83 "2018-01-06T17:00:04Z")
I didn’t say that all “non-monogamous relationships must involve a ‘primary relationship’”. I specifically said, that those are the only ones I’m interested in discussing at this time. But hey, if you didn’t throw out the conservative/religious comments for my benefit then you didn’t. Glad we cleared that up. I accept your offer to respectfully disagree and avoid further discussion on the topic. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/84 "2018-01-06T20:01:26Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I didn’t say that all “non-monogamous relationships must involve a ‘primary relationship’”. I specifically said, that those are the only ones I’m interested in discussing at this time. So you wouldn’t have any interest in how my partners and I and their partners handle this kind of thing? I’m curious about why you’re only interested in the folks who use the “primary” / “Secondary” model. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/85 "2018-01-06T20:16:41Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > So you wouldn’t have any interest in how my partners and I and their partners handle this kind of thing? > > I’m curious about why you’re only interested in the folks who use the “primary” / “Secondary” model. Because the OP specifically addresses that scenario and not a plethora of other variations on the subject, and because I think going off on tangents would generate more heat than light on the dynamic described by the OP. That said, by all means share what you feel you want to share. I certainly don’t want to junior mod the thread. I will simply try to be more circumspect in responding to posts I feel don’t address my particular line of inquiry. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2018, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/86 "2018-01-06T23:06:04Z")
So once the idea of non monogamous relationships is fully accepted is the next step to convince society that it is immature to believe otherwise?? I think monogamy is far more mature than non monogamy. I spent the first 20 years of my adult life not being monogamous, only when I grew up could I see the difference. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2018, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/87 "2018-01-07T01:40:13Z")
I don’t know where I would find the time to be non-monogamous. ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2018, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/88 "2018-01-07T02:18:01Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > So once the idea of non monogamous relationships is fully accepted is the next step to convince society that it is immature to believe otherwise?? I think monogamy is far more mature than non monogamy. I spent the first 20 years of my adult life not being monogamous, only when I grew up could I see the difference. I spent the first 10 years or so of my adult life being monogamous before changing, and yet I still don’t think one relationship model or the other is more mature. Ideally we can, as a society, decide to just accept the choices of consenting adults as being personal preferences rather than inherently good or bad. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2018, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/89 "2018-01-07T04:07:25Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > So once the idea of non monogamous relationships is fully accepted is the next step to convince society that it is immature to believe otherwise?? I used to think so. I think I’m outgrowing that and recognizing it as a form of bias, thinking that just because something is true for me it ought to be true for everyone else. That doesn’t mean there isn’t more bias in the other direction though. Mono is the cultural norm, and cultural norms get accepted as prescriptive—people often believe everyone should conform to them because they’re what’s “normal”. ---
**Author:** ![Kingneptune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ec9cab/32.png) [@Kingneptune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kingneptune)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2018, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/90 "2018-03-14T16:59:11Z")
My wife and I have been in the “lifestyle” for eleven years and, personally, I believe it takes more maturity to refuse to meet societal expectations than to follow the lemming route. The best relationships are built on communication and joint satisfaction, not the misguided standards set by Victorianism. We only have one life, if people choose to deny personal happiness in order to follow someone else’s beliefs about relationships, religion or whatever…I think they might live a somewhat unhappy life. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/91 "2018-03-15T11:06:23Z")
> [@Kingneptune](#): > > My wife and I have been in the “lifestyle” for eleven years and, personally, I believe it takes more maturity to refuse to meet societal expectations than to follow the lemming route. The best relationships are built on communication and joint satisfaction, not the misguided standards set by Victorianism. We only have one life, if people choose to deny personal happiness in order to follow someone else’s beliefs about relationships, religion or whatever…I think they might live a somewhat unhappy life. So people who choose to live a monogamous lifestyle are unhappy and immature lemmings because they are subjecting themselves to societal expectations and misguided standards of Victorianism? Interesting… ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/92 "2018-03-15T11:18:04Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > So people who choose to live a monogamous lifestyle are unhappy and immature lemmings because they are subjecting themselves to societal expectations and misguided standards of Victorianism? Interesting… Don’t bother–I bet that he isn’t even _really_ the Roman god of the ocean. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/93 "2018-03-15T11:23:37Z")
> [@Darren\_Garrison](#): > > Don’t bother–I bet that he isn’t even _really_ the Roman god of the ocean. Darn. I was looking forward to thanking him for all the fish. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/94 "2018-03-15T17:33:23Z")
> [@Kingneptune](#): > > My wife and I have been in the “lifestyle” for eleven years and, personally, I believe it takes more maturity to refuse to meet societal expectations than to follow the lemming route. Your belief, in this case, is demonstrably wrong. A small child, for instance, will often “refuse to meet societal expectations” precisely because of their immaturity. In fact, as one matures the pressure to meet social expectations increases. The decision, then, whether or not to adhere to those expectations becomes one based on personal life experience and the filters developed from them, not level of maturity. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2018, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757/95 "2018-03-15T17:56:25Z")
I’ll stick with what I said in posts [#75](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20704547&postcount=75) and [#89](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20708050&postcount=89) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-non-monogamy-immature/805757.md?page=4)