# Is OKCupid in a death spiral? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2014, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217 "2014-08-22T17:32:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2014, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/21 "2014-08-22T22:44:49Z")
I read something that said that there was a study that showed that people tended to be more honest on online dating than in person. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2014, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/22 "2014-08-22T23:57:03Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Unless you put a lot of effort into it, online dating is garbage. > > And if you do put a lot of effort into it, you’re a sap. > > It’s really a lose-lose situation. I met my wife on match and I know other people with good success. Of the dates I went on before I met my wife, some were good and some not so good, but definitely not as bad as you make it sound. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/23 "2014-08-23T00:28:39Z")
I use OKCupid. Had two relationships from it that lasted 3 or so months, but haven’t had much success these past 8 months. OKCupid is crawling with guys who are looking for a hookup. How other people live their lives is of no concern to me, however, it tends to make women wary of _all_ guys on there, including the ones who are serious about dating. I also think online dating tends to make people (especially women) more picky, since you can “build” your perfect mate with a high number of options. The real world doesn’t work like that. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/24 "2014-08-23T00:52:59Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > I also think online dating tends to make people (especially women) more picky, since you can “build” your perfect mate with a high number of options. The real world doesn’t work like that. I used to laugh at those profiles some women put together, something like this: My guy will be: Tall Handsome Athletic Love animals Lots of friends Great job Sensitive Confident Not arrogant Spends time with his family Enjoys the outdoors Reads Likes to travel Volunteers Goes to church Eats healthy Drinks socially only Doesn’t swear Does dishes Likes to work in the yard Great at budgeting Fun at parties Doesn’t hog the covers etc. When I saw long lists like that I would send the following message: “I may not have everything you’re looking for but I think I’ve got some key ones you will like: 1 - A pulse 2 - US citizenship” ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/25 "2014-08-23T03:05:11Z")
Online dating sites are for losers and psychos. I should know. I tried one once about twelve years ago. Had some fun but then met this girl who was pretty psycho–so psycho she fell for loser me and we ended up married and had a kid. Beware!! ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/26 "2014-08-23T05:49:05Z")
I had mixed results on OKC. A couple of good dates, a couple of duds. The best advice I can offer is something I heard here on the Dope: use [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) to find a local group that shares an interest you have. Met my wife at a Mystery Science Theater 3000 meetup. ---
**Author:** ![7e42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/51bf81/32.png) [@7e42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7e42)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/27 "2014-08-23T06:00:15Z")
I gave up 2 months ago since I had more success on POF and other sites OKC I cant get no one to respond ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/28 "2014-08-23T06:12:54Z")
Look for girls in an open relationship. OKC has loads of them, it’s the main site for that scene. ---
**Author:** ![7e42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/51bf81/32.png) [@7e42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7e42)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/29 "2014-08-23T06:14:34Z")
Too many women on OKC have profiles and currently in a relationship ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/30 "2014-08-23T06:42:28Z")
> [@Nonsuch](#): > > I had mixed results on OKC. A couple of good dates, a couple of duds. The best advice I can offer is something I heard here on the Dope: use [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) to find a local group that shares an interest you have. Met my wife at a Mystery Science Theater 3000 meetup. I’m new in Corvallis, OR and according to that there is fucking nothing near me. Just a vague “young adults” group and a not-very-active gaming group. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/31 "2014-08-23T12:12:17Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > (24 or older, non-smoker, non-drugger, 100 mile radius, online in last month). > > * * * > > The thing is, that is not that many people. If one is picky like me (I want a certain type of intellectual Bohemian woman), then it’s just not a lot. I think I found your problem right here, you want intellectual bohemians who don’t smoke and don’t touch drugs(some people may mistakenly think this also means never have tried, or might include occasional drinking as drugs) which is going to be a small demo. If I were you I’d drop the whole smoke/drug free thing and actually give a person a chance so you can see whether they are a three pack a day smoker or desperate heroin addict in person, or whether they smoke a joint once a year. Again it is like you are looking for religious atheists to date. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2014, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/32 "2014-08-23T21:14:41Z")
> [@7e42](#): > > Too many women on OKC have profiles and currently in a relationship Could that be a good thing? It could mean that some women found a relationship while on OKC and left their profile up while they’re exploring that relationship. ---
**Author:** ![7e42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/51bf81/32.png) [@7e42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7e42)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/33 "2014-08-24T05:17:07Z")
> [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](#): > > Could that be a good thing? It could mean that some women found a relationship while on OKC and left their profile up while they’re exploring that relationship. It did mean that and what she did was act like she didn’t meet anyone from OKC I asked her why is her profile still up and she said because his profile is still up ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/34 "2014-08-24T10:19:41Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I think I found your problem right here, you want intellectual bohemians who don’t smoke and don’t touch drugs(some people may mistakenly think this also means never have tried, or might include occasional drinking as drugs) which is going to be a small demo. Won’t date a smoker. It’s just gross. I don’t care if a woman smokes pot occasionally. The thing is, if someone smokes pot enough to admit it on a dating site, they probably smoke it a lot and want someone who does too. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/35 "2014-08-24T15:17:51Z")
Paid sites like [match.com](http://match.com) tend to attract more serious people, fewer flakes and tend to skew somewhat older than OKCupid. I have used [match.com](http://match.com) quite successfully in the past. This article was interesting. The bottom line is that for both men and women looks are (almost) everything. [A Blank Profile Is Probably as Good as Whatever You Wrote on OkCupid](http://gawker.com/a-blank-profile-is-probably-as-good-as-whatever-you-wro-1612203719) > [@](#): > > Much like Facebook, dating site OkCupid has been conducting secret social experiments on its users—not to influence their moods, but sometimes to influence their opinions of one another. In the latest post on OkCupid’s data-driven chronicle of man’s inhumanity to man, the OkTrends Blog, we learn that your picture is all that matters and you’ll like whomever a fair-to-middling cupid tells you to like. > > Unashamed of its experiments, OkCupid has come right out and explained the results—and all of them point to profile photos as the main driver of behavior on the site. > > When OkCupid removed photos for one day, to promote its failed blind date app, traffic and interaction dropped dramatically. As soon as photos were turned back on, people abruptly bailed on the “blind” conversations they had started. > > Even more telling, OkCupid revealed it had to remove its “personality” rating scale years ago, because it turned out to only measure looks. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/36 "2014-08-24T15:42:04Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I think I found your problem right here, you want intellectual bohemians who don’t smoke and don’t touch drugs(some people may mistakenly think this also means never have tried, or might include occasional drinking as drugs) which is going to be a small demo. I think the real problem is treating OKCupid as Chipotle (I want a little of this, a little of that, hold the lettuce and add some extra salsa) rather than a tasting menu. If you have extremely specific needs, traditional online dating doesn’t work, especially in a smaller community. Some specialized dating services may help, but the general fray will not. Online dating works best when you are focusing on attraction and basic comparability, rather than a detailed wish list. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/37 "2014-08-24T16:09:31Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I think the real problem is treating OKCupid as Chipotle (I want a little of this, a little of that, hold the lettuce and add some extra salsa) rather than a tasting menu. > > If you have extremely specific needs, traditional online dating doesn’t work, especially in a smaller community. Some specialized dating services may help, but the general fray will not. Online dating works best when you are focusing on attraction and basic comparability, rather than a detailed wish list. In my opinion, women approach it from the exact opposite perspective. They get to be extremely picky and, in my experience, _are_ extremely picky. Think about it like this: if basic attraction and comparability were all a female wanted, then she would go to a bar and meet some good-looking chap. A 5-minute live conversation tells her all she needs to know. Slowly parsing out the “undesirables” in an online context is much more meticulous. She’s looking for Mr. Perfect (Résumé). ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/38 "2014-08-24T16:41:30Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > In my opinion, women approach it from the exact opposite perspective. They get to be extremely picky and, in my experience, _are_ extremely picky. > > Think about it like this: if basic attraction and comparability were all a female wanted, then she would go to a bar and meet some good-looking chap. A 5-minute live conversation tells her all she needs to know. Slowly parsing out the “undesirables” in an online context is much more meticulous. She’s looking for Mr. Perfect (Résumé). Well, my same advice goes for women. I’ve got a good friend whose obsessed with finding a guy she can talks politics with, while what she really needs is a hot guy who treats her well. Anyway, your image of what it’s like to date as a woman just isn’t true. Bars are not actually brimming with awesome prospects. We have age and attractiveness preferences, just like guys do, and a lot of those “perfectly nice” guys fall outside of those. And few of us are hot 25 year olds who command everyone’s attention. Do you think a shy overweight 45 year old with bad acne can just walk in to any bar and come home with a marriage prospect? Go to a supermarket one day and take note of the real life women around you. What percent of those do you think have their pick of guys? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/39 "2014-08-24T17:42:11Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > In my opinion, women approach it from the exact opposite perspective. They get to be extremely picky and, in my experience, _are_ extremely picky. > > Think about it like this: if basic attraction and comparability were all a female wanted, then she would go to a bar and meet some good-looking chap. A 5-minute live conversation tells her all she needs to know. Slowly parsing out the “undesirables” in an online context is much more meticulous. She’s looking for Mr. Perfect (Résumé). In my experience women are extremely picky until the precise point they meet a man they are strongly sexually attracted to, at that most of that sub-criteria pickiness goes in the wastebasket. The point of the linked article I posted is that both women and women are primarily physical attractiveness driven in terms of making decisions to initially engage another person or not. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2014, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217/40 "2014-08-24T19:05:09Z")
Couple of other cultural notes about online dating… You guys were talking about pickiness. I think online dating presents women with a really distorted picture of the sexual marketplace. The ratio of men to women is skewed to begin with (more men than women on the sites), and then there are guys ranging from overzealous to outright scuzzy who bombard the women with messages. The creates so much noise in the system that good, sincere messages don’t get through. Moreover, the women seem to think, “Wow, I am in such demand here! I’m going to get to pick a really great guy for myself!” While I think women do get a slightly better deal out of online dating than men, the fact remains that good single men are no more common than good single women (there are geographic exceptions: NYC tends to have more men than women, and Silicon Valley is the reverse). If anything, there are probably fewer available guys than women (more men are in prison, for example). I have heard several women express dissatisfaction with the men who are on Cupid and the actual dates they get. Another thing that I see now on Cupid that I find ugly and disheartening is that I am getting blocked a lot after sending nice, normal messages to women. I don’t think it’s personal; rather, I think women are now getting so many messages that they get irritated and just block anyone in whom they are not interested. To me, it’s a subtle sign of trouble for the site. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-okcupid-in-a-death-spiral/696217.md?page=3)