# Is standing up to my parents a good idea? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 20, 2016, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213 "2016-05-20T07:45:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/41 "2016-05-22T02:09:30Z")
My parents are generally nice – they were **mildly toxic** – mostly due to the traditions of intelligentsia they pushed me into Math. I am not angry with them, but **my talent is lost to the World** and to me. The OP’s parents are **very toxic**. The earlier one escapes from toxic parents the better. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/42 "2016-05-22T03:28:11Z")
> [@CCitizen](#): > > The OP’s parents are **very toxic**. The earlier one escapes from toxic parents the better. The OP says that his parents have acted this way throughout his life. So by his own statement, it’s not an immediate crisis. I therefore stand by my advice that the OP shouldn’t seek to change the status quo until he’s made some plans on what he’s going to do afterwards - which in this case means having a plan on somewhere else he can live if that’s necessary. ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/43 "2016-05-22T03:47:18Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > The OP says that his parents have acted this way throughout his life. So by his own statement, it’s not an immediate crisis. I therefore stand by my advice that the OP shouldn’t seek to change the status quo until he’s made some plans on what he’s going to do afterwards - which in this case means having a plan on somewhere else he can live if that’s necessary. Sadly he did not contact CPS when he was under 13 – 14. Now it is more difficult. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/44 "2016-05-22T16:41:04Z")
OP hasn’t returned to this thread yet. I’m betting the parents killed him/her and buried them in the backyard, after telling them the hole he was digging was the foundation for the new barbecue! ---
**Author:** ![PoppaSan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/poppasan/32/189_2.png) [@PoppaSan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoppaSan)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/45 "2016-05-22T22:43:06Z")
How many chores can a household have to keep someone busy for every free hour on the weekend? Unless it is an estate, a house with 3 adults can’t get that messy. Sounds like a very autocratic and controlling parental situation. The OP didn’t have free time while working either. I would doubt the OP has a group of friends to rely on for room sharing. This boils down to suck it up if it is short term or make other arrangements someway somehow. Maybe through the school guidance counselor. Go for financial aid to get out of the house and accept the debt as a necessary evil. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/46 "2016-05-22T23:00:21Z")
> [@CCitizen](#): > > I am not angry with them, but **my talent is lost to the World** and to me. What is your talent? ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/47 "2016-05-22T23:26:29Z")
> [@YogSothoth](#): > > Start doing chores in a shitty way to save energy. Instead of washing all the dishes spotlessly, rinse them with water and put them back. If they send you to do errands, forget some things on the list or claim you can’t find the location/item. Messing up dinner is easy, figure out what they don’t like and put a lot of it into the dish, or don’t cook the chicken through all the way. > > In the immediate aftermath, things might be worse. They might send you out again to finish the errands, or make you buy food. But enough consistent mistakes should make them rethink using you as free labor. However, if that doesn’t happen, be prepared to escalate things. Buy a durian and open it pretending you don’t know what it smells like, bonus points if their friends are over and you all have to vacate the house. Set the stove on fire by leaving an unattended pot over the flames, or microwave some silverware, or use the same cutting board for raw fish and chicken as you do vegetables. Lie to them about where you’re going but have a small gift for them when they catch you, claim you wanted to surprise them. Put bedbugs in their mattress and burn their clothes when ironing them. Lose all of their socks in the laundry. Download viruses into their computers. Whatever it takes > [@araminty](#): > > This is TERRIBLE advice, I’m not sure if you’re joking. I hope you are. > > Just talk to them, OP. I’m pretty sure **YogSothoth** was joking (I lol’d) but getting fired from household chores is a successful strategy used by my brother in law. He put a new red shirt in the whites load, turning everything pink & my sister fired him from laundry duty. Burning dinner repeatedly & fucking up errands got him fired from those jobs too. Now she does it all & he is free to sit with his beer watching sports. Genius! ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2016, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/48 "2016-05-22T23:59:31Z")
> [@PoppaSan](#): > > Maybe through the school guidance counselor. Go for financial aid to get out of the house and accept the debt as a necessary evil. Definitely – a Student Loan would be great. If you can live in a different place and they try to contact you, you may need an Order of Protection. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/49 "2016-05-23T00:59:08Z")
> [@Enola\_Gay](#): > > I’m pretty sure **YogSothoth** was joking (I lol’d) but getting fired from household chores is a successful strategy used by my brother in law. He put a new red shirt in the whites load, turning everything pink & my sister fired him from laundry duty. Burning dinner repeatedly & fucking up errands got him fired from those jobs too. Now she does it all & he is free to sit with his beer watching sports. Genius! Whether or not that ends up being a successful strategy depends on how long he can keep this up before she divorces his lazy butt. (half joking. Maybe he contributes enough in other areas to outweigh the very bad impression that particular anecdote gives me) ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/50 "2016-05-23T03:27:56Z")
> [@CCitizen](#): > > Definitely – a Student Loan would be great. If you can live in a different place and **they try to contact you, you may need an Order of Protection**. (bolding mine) Seriously? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/51 "2016-05-23T04:32:51Z")
Are they paying for college? Is it a useful major with economic value? Will you be able to graduate? If yes to all 3 make sure to inform them you have many projects and exams that require much library/on campus time. Bust your butt for a debt free degree. Profit by unit being one of the millions with 10s of thousands of debt and a useless degree. Now, do take a bit of time to inform the parents that you are an adult and you need some independent time and space. If this leads to a problem or ultimatum either concede and bide your time or prepare to leave. If being treated as a slave is negatively impacting your degree, grades, or ability to intern somewhere than you need to negotiate with your parents to change that. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/52 "2016-05-23T05:08:53Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > (bolding mine) > > Seriously? :dubious: Depends on exactly how nutty the parents are. If they are really wacko, the OP might be greeted by parents who show up to scream, at length, about how ungrateful/disgusting/no-good/etc. the OP is, with or without threats or attempts to drag the OP bodily back home where they belong. Think of the situation of a battered wife who makes her escape and then has to confront a belligerent (ex-)husband at her new residence. If the parents are only mildly overbearing, an order of protection would be grossly excessive, but the parents might not be just mildly overbearing. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/53 "2016-05-23T06:04:15Z")
> [@slash2k](#): > > Depends on exactly how nutty the parents are. > > If they are really wacko, the OP might be greeted by parents who show up to scream, at length, about how ungrateful/disgusting/no-good/etc. the OP is, with or without threats or attempts to drag the OP bodily back home where they belong. Think of the situation of a battered wife who makes her escape and then has to confront a belligerent (ex-)husband at her new residence. > > If the parents are only mildly overbearing, an order of protection would be grossly excessive, but the parents might not be just mildly overbearing. None of which is indicated in the OP, but unfortunately, **Contemplation** hasn’t returned to this thread to reply or clarify his situation further. But I believe **CCitizen** and others may be reaching just a tad by classifying the parents as abusive or as people who need a restraining order taken out against them. They do seem to be controlling, but I don’t see why the OP and his parents can’t reach an understanding. While he should pitch in with his share of the chores, he does seem to have a legitimate gripe if their expectations are interfering with time that he needs for his studies. Still, this doesn’t cry “abuse” to me. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/54 "2016-05-23T15:17:45Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > None of which is indicated in the OP, but unfortunately, **Contemplation** hasn’t returned to this thread to reply or clarify his situation further. But I believe **CCitizen** and others may be reaching just a tad by classifying the parents as abusive or as people who need a restraining order taken out against them. They do seem to be controlling, but I don’t see why the OP and his parents can’t reach an understanding. While he should pitch in with his share of the chores, he does seem to have a legitimate gripe if their expectations are interfering with time that he needs for his studies. Still, this doesn’t cry “abuse” to me. There are a couple of lines in the OP that are at least worrisome to me: > [@Contemplation](#): > > I’m not to leave the house without stating exactly where I’m going [snipped] I am also expected to travel with them everywhere they want. Also, I’m not supposed to back-talk, say no, or express any negative emotions around them. This is how it’s always been as I grew up though. That last line (“this is how it’s always been as I grew up”) says that the OP’s parents still think of and treat OP as a little kid, in a culture/mindset where you don’t negotiate with little kids; you tell them what to do and they obey, or else. And how do you have a negotiation if you’re not allowed to say “no”? Would saying something about parental expectations interfering with study time count as “express[ing] negative emotions,” and if so, what will be the reaction? Now the OP may well be exaggerating, or misinterpreting, or falling into old patterns of behavior just as much as the parents allegedly are. Or the OP may be telling it like it really is: the OP’s parents expect and demand obedience, and attempts to negotiate may be met with verbal or even physical violence. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/55 "2016-05-23T18:26:35Z")
> [@slash2k](#): > > Or the OP may be telling it like it really is: the OP’s parents expect and demand obedience, and attempts to negotiate may be met with verbal or even physical violence. This is the problem I’m having with some people’s interpretation of the OP. The OP said nothing explicitly or implicitly about any violence. Here’s what the OP said: He worked in the past but he’s not working now. He’s currently going to college. He’s living in his parents’ home and they are providing his room and board. His parents expect him to do work around the home that fills up all his free time. He has to tell his parents where he’s going when he leaves the house. He has to accompany his parents when they leave the house. He is not supposed to “back-talk, say no, or express any negative emotions” around his parents. His situation has always been this way. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/56 "2016-05-23T18:58:54Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > His situation has always been this way. How has this situation been enforced in the past, and what will his parents do to enforce it in the future? We don’t know. The OP doesn’t say one way or another. However, it seems to me very optimistic to assume that parents who don’t allow saying no or expressing negative emotion are going to respond to attempts to negotiate with sunshine and flowers. The response may be (in fact, probably will be) nothing more than yelling and screaming and tears and an ugly scene, which is the verbal violence to which I alluded. However, without knowing a heck of a lot more about the situation, I don’t think physical violence should be summarily dismissed. Think about how we would react if this was a husband and wife: the wife used to work outside the home, but she doesn’t now. She is attending college; her husband pays all expenses, and expects her to do work around the home that fills up all of her free time. She is expected to accompany her husband when he leaves the house, and if she leaves without him, she must tell him exactly where she’s going. She is not allowed to say no, back-talk him, or express any negative emotions around him. If you were counseling a wife in this situation, would you blithely tell her that “oh, of course he’s not going to become violent–you can just sit down with him and calmly negotiate a different arrangement”? or would you at least consider the possibility (not certainty, not likelihood, but _possibility_) that the situation might get really out of control really fast, and the negotiating might be better done in front of a witness or with the assistance of a marriage counselor, etc.? Yes, the OP’s situation is parent-child, not husband-wife. Toxic parents exist, too. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/57 "2016-05-23T19:58:54Z")
What do folk think is the frequency of “toxic” or abusive (by what standard) parents? I honestly don’t know. OTOH - what is the frequency of college aged teens/young adults living at home who feel their parents are overdemanding? Hell, on occasion my kids have said some pretty nasty things about us, and we’ve certainly been less than perfect parents. Things get said, which may or may not accurately reflect the entire relationship over time. My opinion is that exaggeration and a sense of entitlement by the young adult is more likely than the toxic parent. Sure, we don’t know for certain, but the OP hasn’t seen fit to come back and elaborate. However unreasonable his parents, it doesn’t seem to bother him enough to move out. Or are we to assume that the parents are so toxic that they have warped his initiative and sapped his self respect? Yeah, that’s possible, but if I were betting, I’d suggest not the most probable. ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/58 "2016-05-23T20:39:37Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > What do folk think is the frequency of “toxic” or abusive (by what standard) parents? I honestly don’t know. > > OTOH - what is the frequency of college aged teens/young adults living at home who feel their parents are overdemanding? > > Hell, on **occasion my kids have said some pretty nasty things about us** , and we’ve certainly been less than perfect parents. Things get said, which may or may not accurately reflect the entire relationship over time. I should not have listened to my parents when they chose for me to major in STEM or to do my PhD. Maybe then I would have been able to get a **useful Bachelor’s** degree, a job, maybe a wife and maybe children. Being 45 they would of been teenagers. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/59 "2016-05-23T20:59:51Z")
> [@CCitizen](#): > > I should not have listened to my parents when they chose for me to major in STEM or to do my PhD. Maybe then I would have been able to get a **useful Bachelor’s** degree, a job, maybe a wife and maybe children. Being 45 they would of been teenagers. Wait, you’re 45 and you’re still blaming your parents for your life? I thought you were like mid-late 20’s. Good lord. ---
**Author:** ![CCitizen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@CCitizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CCitizen)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2016, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213/60 "2016-05-23T21:03:05Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Wait, you’re 45 and you’re still blaming your parents for your life? I thought you were like mid-late 20’s. Good lord. OK, I am grateful to my parents for **many things** – they support me. They were never nearly as controlling as the OP’s parents. They are good people. But they did make some mistakes which had devastating effect on my life. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-standing-up-to-my-parents-a-good-idea/755213.md?page=4)