# Is that Oxytocin in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [December 8, 2009, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491 "2009-12-08T20:03:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/21 "2009-12-09T00:53:34Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > I’m not even angry/ > > I’m being so sincere right now/ > > Even though you broke my heart/ > > and killed me. I’ve checked with the other mods, and it turns out I cannot, in fact, ban you for this. Instead, I’m mailing you a dead fish. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/22 "2009-12-09T00:55:14Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Instead, I’m mailing you a dead fish. E-mail it; it’s faster. ---
**Author:** ![Sloane\_Cabot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@Sloane\_Cabot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sloane_Cabot)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/23 "2009-12-09T01:01:54Z")
didn’t Ed Hardy put it the best. “Love kills slowly.” (ridiculous…ohh my, its ridiculous.) ---
**Author:** ![Chief\_Pedant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@Chief\_Pedant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chief_Pedant)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/24 "2009-12-09T01:08:07Z")
My observation OxyContin produces stronger love bonds than oxytocin. I’ve seen folks give up everything for it. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/25 "2009-12-09T01:18:07Z")
Perhaps so, but absinthe makes the heart grow fonder… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/26 "2009-12-09T01:22:40Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Yeah, but he included fart jokes. Hallmark doesn’t have fart jokes. Well, Easter 2010 will change that… ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/27 "2009-12-09T02:30:48Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > Not _necessarily_ dependent on theirs, per se (as I interpret this definition of love, which I like a _lot_), but rather _intertwined_ with it. Thank you for clarifying that. With all due respect to **begbert2** , the first definition sounded a lot like an unhealthy codependence. Ask me how I know. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/28 "2009-12-09T02:37:43Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > Well, obviously it matters _how_ unhappy they are. I imagine if they were screaming in agony on the rack, you might be a little more perturbed than usual. 🙂 > > Also, in thinking back, the precise terminology I originally formulated was "you love someone if your happiness is dependent on their _well-being_. I was a happy person even though my husband was extremely sick, and I’m still a happy person now that he’s gone. His pain caused me pain, but it didn’t destroy my happiness. His death was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it also didn’t destroy my happiness. I guess I’m saying that I don’t agree with you. ---
**Author:** ![antechinus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@antechinus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antechinus)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/29 "2009-12-09T02:43:40Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Perhaps so, but absinthe makes the heart grow fonder… And liver weaker. ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/30 "2009-12-09T03:13:29Z")
“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” –Robert Heinlein, _Stranger in a Strange Land_, 1961. ---
**Author:** ![Blut\_Aus\_Nord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Blut\_Aus\_Nord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blut_Aus_Nord)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/31 "2009-12-09T03:14:20Z")
Love is a blanket term for any number of emotions. The feelings the OP rattled off are all facets of love. To say that love is too vague to exist is like saying candy doesn’t exist; a candy just called candy doesn’t exist (… I smell a patent…), but there are still maple syrup drops and Turkish delights and Big League Chews and decorated gingerbread men and so on, all types of candies. All this love is making me hungry. ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/32 "2009-12-09T03:39:05Z")
Serotonin and oxytocin are quite potent chemicals that act on the nervous system. For most people, they induce a pleasurable effect. You could become quite addicted to this effect. At which point, you, might as well face it, your addicted to love. What you want is a new drug. One that won’t make you talk too much. You should be calling doctor love for this prescription. This current thought process gives love a bad name, and you only have yourself to blame. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/33 "2009-12-09T03:56:11Z")
Love is a pretty flower, that smells bad. Spock ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/34 "2009-12-09T04:01:09Z")
> [@Chakra Nadmara](#): > > a candy just called candy doesn’t exist Then why does it have a country named after it? ---
**Author:** ![Tamariti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@Tamariti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamariti)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/35 "2009-12-09T05:28:00Z")
Very interesting… all the posts. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and was feeling very jaded. Love songs were enough to make me vomit, and if I hear Genesis/Phil Collins I swear I break out in hives. Serotonin & Oxytocin being chemicals we can and do become addicted to is very facinating to me - as they are released during orgasm. Marriage #2 for me was pretty celibate - does this make me less conditioned and therefore more likely to develop a dependency (like any other drug addict) because I haven’t built up tolerance? Can tolerance be built up? In that case what happens during self-pleasuring - who do we fall in “love” with? LOL… this train of thought is interesting! This was my first post - glad to be in the company of the brainiacs again 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/36 "2009-12-09T06:38:30Z")
> [@Tamariti](#): > > Very interesting… all the posts. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and was feeling very jaded. Love songs were enough to make me vomit, and if I hear Genesis/Phil Collins I swear I break out in hives. That’s a perfectly normal reaction to Phil Collins. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2009, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/37 "2009-12-09T07:15:49Z")
The [lecture](http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html) referenced in the OP is pretty interesting. It certainly (if simplistically) goes some way to explaining the intense and wonderful feeling of being in love, and the intense and terrible feelings associated with a breakup. Though I would advise Dr Fisher that if she wants more non-US people to take her psychometric test, allowing for a non-US postal code might help. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Beecher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hank_beecher/32/7275_2.png) [@Hank\_Beecher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Beecher)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/38 "2009-12-12T23:50:09Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > I’ve actually given this prolonged serious thought, after being engaged to a woman who had a different definition than me (which I could tell even before I’d figured out what my definition was). What was her definition? ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/39 "2009-12-13T21:30:05Z")
I always thought love was an action, not an emotion. “Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave. And unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace, joy or freedom for me…Unless we live for each other, and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily. There can be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.” Frederick Buechner, “The Magnificent Defeat” ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2009, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491/40 "2009-12-14T20:05:56Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I was a happy person even though my husband was extremely sick, and I’m still a happy person now that he’s gone. > > His pain caused me pain, but it didn’t destroy my happiness. His death was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but it also didn’t destroy my happiness. > > I guess I’m saying that I don’t agree with you. I obviously use the term “happiness” to describe a broader set of emotions and emotional reactions than you, because “worst thing that ever happened to me” != “happiness” in my book. And it wouldn’t “destroy” your happiness in any permanent way, regardless. > [@Nametag](#): > > “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” > –Robert Heinlein, _Stranger in a Strange Land_, 1961. Well, blast it, I’ve read that book, and given the similarity in both concept and terminology I doubtless cribbed it without knowing it. Clearly I’m less clever than I thought. > [@Hank\_Beecher](#): > > What was her definition? Loosely, “If you ain’t mooning and emo, _regardless_ of what else is going on or how people are doing, then you ain’t loving.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-that-oxytocin-in-your-pocket-or-are-you-just-happy-to-see-me/520491.md?page=3)