Is there a Cecil Adams?

[Rhythmdvl]

@OpalCat

A staff could be two people. Or it could be one person who changed every few years.

Cecil is the Dread Pirate Roberts!

[OpalCat]

@Una_Persson

I still research things for Cecil all the time. I love working for the Straight Dope. And in a few weeks you’ll get to read about me burning bacon and pork chops with a Class IV laser.

I have to ask, because it sounds too cool, but where did you get access to a Class IV laser? (And what is a Class IV laser, anyway? I mean what’s it normally for, aside from cooking pork products?)
ETA: Fun fact: My userid is “36” and Cecil Adams’ userid is “31” so we’re only separated by 5. On a board this size, that means we’re practically the same person. So maybe I am Cecil Adams and I never knew it!!! :eek:

[Una_Persson]

@OpalCat

I have to ask, because it sounds too cool, but where did you get access to a Class IV laser? (And what is a Class IV laser, anyway? I mean what’s it normally for, aside from cooking pork products?)

A class IV laser is basically any laser which has an output of more than 500 mW. We got a 1W laser, which is about 200 times as powerful as a laser pointer (which is typically a Class IIIa, with a power output of 5 mW or less) and which will set things on fire (and blind you permanently with even reflected light, so we also have to wear cool goggles while we use it). We got it from wickedlasers.com. You can get much more powerful ones which plug in to a 110V outlet, but this one is battery-operated. It’s about the size of a flashlight rather than a pen.

[OpalCat]

Wow, and that’s legal for just anyone to buy??

[Skywatcher]

@UDS

Not so. Pravnik’s link, at most, establishes that around 1989 the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board thought that the Chicago Reader had told them that “Cecil Adams” did not refer to any particular individual. But this leaves open a number of possiblities.

1. The Chicago Reader was lying.

2. The Chicago Reader was not lying, but what they said is misrepresented in the Board’s account.

3. “Cecil Adams” did not refer to any particular individual in 1989, but it does now. And that individual may also have another name which he (or she) uses in other contexts. That other name may or may not be Ed Zotti.

4. It’s SOP for any name involved with the publication of a column, thus allowing the column to continue using that name after its originator is unable to continue writing. See also: Ann Landers and Dear Abby.

[Una_Persson]

@OpalCat

Wow, and that’s legal for just anyone to buy??

Sure is. You can buy much more dangerous things, though, it just sounds dangerous because it’s unusual. For example, I’d much rather be burned with that laser than, say, a standard hand-held propane torch.

[Leo_Bloom]

Cecil wrote Shakespeare. Also, The Elements.

[RedFury]

@Una_Persson

Folks, all I’m saying is, the factual answer is that there are only a limited number of sources who can provide an authoritative response. Posting guesses is not providing factual answers, although it may be fun. The guesses may be highly informed and educated, and they may be spot-on, but they themselves are not proof. So the answer is “There is much evidence that Ed Zotti is in fact Cecil Adams, but it has not been conclusively proven.”

That’s as factual an answer as can be provided within General Questions unless there is first-hand testimony available. Since I’m pretty sure that will not be provided, there we are.

This comes pretty close:

Who is Cecil Adams?

Between sips of coffee, Zotti, balding and bespectacled, speaks of Adams as a real-life, demanding boss who’s disappointed when “Little Ed” (as Zotti’s often called in the column) lets typos creep into the copy. But he also reflects fondly on the wisdom of “the Master.” “One of Cecil’s famous lines is, ‘If hard data were the filtering criterion, you could fit the entire contents of the Internet onto a floppy disk,’ ” Zotti tells me. “The trick with ‘The Straight Dope’ is to go through the entire galaxy of mung to figure out what the facts are.”

Pushed a little further on the fact or fiction of Adams’s existence, Zotti lets his guard down a bit. “There are layers within layers. That’s not to say there isn’t some underlying reality to the myth,” he says. “Editors will come and go. I’ll get hit by a bus some day, but Cecil will be eternal. That’s all people need to know.” It’s perhaps most accurate, then, to say Cecil Adams is both a real person (Zotti) and a group of people (the research assistants, the copy editor, the mail guy who separates the Viagra spam from the usable question submissions)—a simulacrum for a team of truth seekers.

– bolding mine.

Heck, even you get due credit…

One of the column’s research assistants, mechanical engineer Una Persson (a pseudonym), tells me she once received a Christmas card from Adams.

…for the coy little games some folks here appear to enjoy so much.

So please do. Enjoy that is.

[Giles]

@Leo_Bloom

Cecil wrote Shakespeare. Also, The Elements.

Now that’s just silly: Chicago isn’t mentioned anywhere in Shakespeare’s works, and Euclid completely lacks Cecil’s snarky tone of voice.

[OpalCat]

@Una_Persson

Sure is. You can buy much more dangerous things, though, it just sounds dangerous because it’s unusual. For example, I’d much rather be burned with that laser than, say, a standard hand-held propane torch.

Yeah but you have to be right next to the torch–how far away can you burn something with the laser? (or is it only really close, too?)

[Jake]

@John_DiFool

I’m Cecil Adams!

I’m Batman.

[Jake]

@Una_Persson

Not just bacon, but rich, salty, applewood-smoked bacon. Which was then further cooked and eaten with Aunt Jemima pancakes. Which were not cooked by laser.

Was there coffee?

[BMalion]

I’m Brian!

[UltraVires]

Since personal attacks are not permitted in GQ, one could simply insult Cecil Adams and note if he gets a mod warning. If he does: Cecil Adams is a real person. If he does not: Cecil Adams is not a real person.

Lemme try: Cecil Adams is a big fat meany pants!

[Cheshire_Human]

@Colibri

Yes. I’ve provided information for several of Cecil’s columns, but have always been credited by name for any such material. Except for a joke he stole from me once.

I guess that explains the real stinker he told that one time…

@C_K_Dexter_Haven

Cecil finds it fun, and staff members who are close enough have been told not to spoil the fun. Also, Ed Zotti isn’t smart enough or perfect enough to be Cecil. He’s said so himself, several times, in public.

There’s a really good straight line for a joke in there, but as the joke would be a violation of the rules of GQ, I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

@septimus

How do we know Cecil isn’t a woman named Una? I’ve never seen you both in the same room.

In fact, I’ve never seen either of you in person (or in persson, for that matter). How do we know Una is real?

(AFAIK, septimus is the only Doper I’ve met in person and I’m even doubtful of his reality.)

Una is on record here, and elsewhere, as stating that her name is a pseudonym. She has the same problem as Cecil. I demand that the real Una be revealed!

(Maybe that last sentence should have been put in that current ATMB thread. Also, if it makes you feel better, I’m kinda doubtful about that septimus guy’s existence, too, but I’ve never met him, so you have one up on me, there.)

@Leo_Bloom

Cecil wrote Shakespeare. Also, The Elements.

Also, don’t forget, GOD stole the “Let there be light” quote from Cecil. And didn’t credit him, the cad!

@jtgain

Since personal attacks are not permitted in GQ, one could simply insult Cecil Adams and note if he gets a mod warning. If he does: Cecil Adams is a real person. If he does not: Cecil Adams is not a real person.

Lemme try: Cecil Adams is a big fat meany pants!

Uhh, that rule is for personal attacks against posters. Cecil is a poster (although rarely), therefore your post is a violation of the rules. Nice to know you, enjoy your suspension or banning. Thanks for playing, good-bye!

[StusBlues]

@Colibri

This is one speculation that is definitely incorrect.

A direct answer. Interesting. The plot, like the glaze on my Thanksgiving sweet potatoes, thickens.

[johnpost]

i once heard the story that a number of top faculty in different disciplines at the University of Chicago claimed that they as a group wrote the column as Cecil Adams. i don’t think that this is true, i think they were just trying to make themselves look smarter.

[UltraVires]

@Cheshire_Human

Uhh, that rule is for personal attacks against posters. Cecil is a poster (although rarely), therefore your post is a violation of the rules. Nice to know you, enjoy your suspension or banning. Thanks for playing, good-bye!

But if the poster is a fictional entity comprised of several people, it is not a “person” and therefore an attack against such entity, by definition, cannot be “personal.” Perhaps if Cecil Adams is a registered corporation and therefore a legal person, then my attack might be “personal.”

But, no mod note or warning has been forthcoming, therefore proving that there is no individual or corporate person named Cecil Adams within the context of the Straight Dope.

[Colibri]

@jtgain

But if the poster is a fictional entity comprised of several people, it is not a “person” and therefore an attack against such entity, by definition, cannot be “personal.” Perhaps if Cecil Adams is a registered corporation and therefore a legal person, then my attack might be “personal.”

But, no mod note or warning has been forthcoming, therefore proving that there is no individual or corporate person named Cecil Adams within the context of the Straight Dope.

Nah. Since it’s clear that the post is a deliberate experiment, it doesn’t qualify as an intentional personal insult. So no particular conclusion should be drawn.

[banjoDavid]

The reservation was under the name Cecil Adams.

Proof enough for me!
David