# Is there a polite way to invite parents, but not kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2015, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705 "2015-02-03T14:18:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2015, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/62 "2015-02-05T21:58:54Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > You have to be really specific if you think there will be doubt. We wanted a child-free wedding (actually, small child free-- we were happy to have about 8 and above). We put the names of the specific invited people on invitations, so there was no question, and if people asked, we were upfront that we weren’t providing childcare. If a child was young enough to need a babysitter, well, then, it needed one, because it needed to stay home. I have to say, if I was informed me and the wife were invited to a wedding but my children weren’t, I’d be a little offended. It just seems snobish to me. I’d probably just rip up the invite and toss it in the trash. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2015, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/63 "2015-02-05T22:12:21Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > This confuses me. I am not trying to be difficult. On one hand, you think that if you take your kid to a wedding–even if invited–it’s not being fair to the adults there, but you don’t think other people who make the same choice are wrong? So their kid isn’t unfair to the adults there, but your kid is? Maybe her kid is a handful, but she recognizes that some kids can behave appropriately for such occasions. ---
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2015, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/64 "2015-02-05T23:36:00Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I have to say, if I was informed me and the wife were invited to a wedding but my children weren’t, I’d be a little offended. It just seems snobish to me. I’d probably just rip up the invite and toss it in the trash. Rip it up, really? Why not just politely decline if you really don’t want to go without your kids? ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2015, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/65 "2015-02-05T23:52:42Z")
> [@Elret](#): > > Rip it up, really? Why not just politely decline if you really don’t want to go without your kids? HELLO! THis is the SDMB! Extremes are taken as normal. ymmv 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/66 "2015-02-06T00:53:38Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > IMO weddings are on a short list I have of places kids shouldn’t go because they are adult in nature. Weddings, black tie events, places of employment that don’t cater to the public (like large office buildings as opposed to restaurants) are all places I wouldn’t take a young child because it isn’t fair to the grown ups there. Funerals, graduations, etc. are the kind of thing I wouldn’t take a young child to because it isn’t fair to the child to expect them to be quiet and still through the solemn event and not disturb anyone else. I know lots of people who would take their children to any of those places or events and they aren’t wrong but they are making choices I wouldn’t. However, people who throw a tantrum over not bringing their kids to one of those events when specifically asked not to are a special kind of wrong that should be punishable by catapault. This is one of those culture/regional sorts of things. In my big Midwestern families, weddings are a huge family thing. Of course you have kids, and second cousins twice removed, and Uncle Albert, although everyone knows he’ll drink too much and then try and hook up with a bridesmaid half his age. People come from hundreds of miles away and sleep on each others pull out sofas. Babies and children who were born since the last wedding are shown off, aunts pinch the cheeks of tweens and tell them how much they’ve grown. Little girls learn to polka from their grandpa. That’s half the purpose. Years ago a friend from one of these big Midwestern one generation off the farm families married in New Jersey into a weddings are formal affairs held at country clubs for adults sorts of families. Huge culture clash as his relatives figured out that “no kids” really meant “no kids” and that was being enforced. Their bad, the invitations were clear, but at the same time, the idea was SO ALIEN to them that it never occurred to them to do anything other than drag the kids out to New Jersey. And there was no polka. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/67 "2015-02-06T02:33:00Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > This confuses me. I am not trying to be difficult. On one hand, you think that if you take your kid to a wedding–even if invited–it’s not being fair to the adults there, but you don’t think other people who make the same choice are wrong? So their kid isn’t unfair to the adults there, but your kid is? No, their kid is unfair to the adults too, but I get that other people will make different choices and wouldn’t say anything to them about it. I’m not going to shush their kid or give them a look or tell them how awful they are at making decisions, I’ll just quietly judge them in my head and then let it go. For some families a wedding is a place for everyone of every age and I respect that, but I wouldn’t bring my kid to a wedding in part because I don’t want that to be the moment she has a breakdown and in part because I’d like to be able to go dance without worrying about where my daughter is and eat my food while it is hot instead of worrying about cutting up prime rib for my little one before I get to take a bite. To me a wedding is a place where a grown up should be able to do grown up things without having to worry about whether kids are under foot, just the same way I think it is a dick move when someone brings their two year old to the office and drags them through every cubicle so they can say hi to all of their coworkers. Lots of people are totally cool with that and would be sad if you had your kid in the building and didn’t bring them by to say hello but I still think it is wrong to disturb people at work so they can ooh and aah over a toddler for half an hour. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/68 "2015-02-06T04:05:15Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > No, their kid is unfair to the adults too, but I get that other people will make different choices and wouldn’t say anything to them about it. I’m not going to shush their kid or give them a look or tell them how awful they are at making decisions, I’ll just quietly judge them in my head and then let it go. For some families a wedding is a place for everyone of every age and I respect that, but I wouldn’t bring my kid to a wedding in part because I don’t want that to be the moment she has a breakdown and in part because I’d like to be able to go dance without worrying about where my daughter is and eat my food while it is hot instead of worrying about cutting up prime rib for my little one before I get to take a bite. > > To me a wedding is a place where a grown up should be able to do grown up things without having to worry about whether kids are under foot, just the same way I think it is a dick move when someone brings their two year old to the office and drags them through every cubicle so they can say hi to all of their coworkers. Lots of people are totally cool with that and would be sad if you had your kid in the building and didn’t bring them by to say hello but I still think it is wrong to disturb people at work so they can ooh and aah over a toddler for half an hour. A wedding is often a de facto family reunion and not everyone hates kids. Some people take pleasure in them, believe it or not. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/69 "2015-02-06T04:59:25Z")
i recently got an evite that said “Who’s up for a NO KIDS night at our house?? Uber over for wine tasting, beer drinking…” It made it clear that kids were not invited but was not at all offensive IMO ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/70 "2015-02-06T05:09:22Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > On a side note - I’ve gotten frustrated that when my wifes relations are in town they deem it necessary to bring their 2 big dogs over to our house when they visit. I’d be saying feel free to tie them up in the front yard, I’ll find you some chain. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/71 "2015-02-06T15:04:05Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > A wedding is often a de facto family reunion and not everyone hates kids. Some people take pleasure in them, believe it or not. I don’t have a dog in this fight, but you seem to dismiss the possibility that there’s any attitude between “_loving all kids present at all moments_” and “_hating kids_”. You’ll perhaps be surprised to learn that more nuanced attitudes in the middle are not only possible, but far more common than the extremes. ---
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/72 "2015-02-06T15:07:13Z")
> [@Elret](#): > > Rip it up, really? Why not just politely decline if you really don’t want to go without your kids? So I can take out a little frustration on a piece of cardstock instead of the wedding couple. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2015, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/73 "2015-02-07T12:19:24Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > No, their kid is unfair to the adults too, but I get that other people will make different choices and wouldn’t say anything to them about it. I’m not going to shush their kid or give them a look or tell them how awful they are at making decisions, I’ll just quietly judge them in my head and then let it go. For some families a wedding is a place for everyone of every age and I respect that, but I wouldn’t bring my kid to a wedding in part because I don’t want that to be the moment she has a breakdown and in part because I’d like to be able to go dance without worrying about where my daughter is and eat my food while it is hot instead of worrying about cutting up prime rib for my little one before I get to take a bite. > > To me a wedding is a place where a grown up should be able to do grown up things without having to worry about whether kids are under foot, just the same way I think it is a dick move when someone brings their two year old to the office and drags them through every cubicle so they can say hi to all of their coworkers. Lots of people are totally cool with that and would be sad if you had your kid in the building and didn’t bring them by to say hello but I still think it is wrong to disturb people at work so they can ooh and aah over a toddler for half an hour. I am all about the silent judging, and I would be right there with you at a “nice” wedding at a county club where some couple are dealing with a bored and cranky 2 year old and ignoring everyone else. But I really don’t understand extending this to all weddings, everywhere. "A wedding should be a place. . . " seems awfully restrictive to me. If you’re at a big, friendly backyard wedding with tons of kids running around, who are you judging? Do you really think less of the 25% of guests who brought their (invited) kids because they are somehow imposing on others? Or do you feel like it’s the bride and groom who don’t get what a wedding “should” be? Hell, I’ll go further–just as it’s rude to bring kids to a wedding where they weren’t invited, I’d argue it can be rude NOT to bring your kids to a wedding where they are invited. If it’s a family reunion sort of wedding, and the other 15 cousins under 12 are going to be there, and a bunch of great-aunts and godparents, you ought to bring the next generation just because the function of a wedding like that is to make sure the cousins know each other, to let people see the children and grandchilden of people they, themselves, knew as children, to get photos of everyone together. For someone to leave there kids at home at a wedding like that–and to somehow believe that they were the ones that understood how it “should” be, and that everyone else was being gauche–seems preposterous. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2015, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/74 "2015-02-07T20:34:11Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > When my son was about 8 and we were living in Egypt, we were invited to the wedding of a dear childhood friend, in Washington. We would have gone as we were going to be in the US anyway on the date of the wedding, but there was a very pointed “no children may attend” on the invitation, and I had no idea how we were going to arrange for childcare while flying in and out of DC just for the wedding. So, that was that - we just couldn’t go, although I was very disappointed. I knew a couple who didn’t want any kids at their wedding, but they thought it would be too obnoxious to put “no children” on the invitation. They came up with what they thought was a clever solution: an enclosed RSVP card, listing the names of the invitees, with checkboxes next to each name so you could indicate who was coming. One couple that was invited _wrote in the names of their three kids_ on the RSVP card, and even drew little checkboxes next to their names. The bride and groom couldn’t bring themselves to tell them that it was a no-kids wedding. Yes, those were the only kids at the wedding, and their parents didn’t appear to notice or care. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/75 "2015-02-08T01:54:18Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I don’t have a dog in this fight, but you seem to dismiss the possibility that there’s any attitude between “_loving all kids present at all moments_” and “_hating kids_”. > > You’ll perhaps be surprised to learn that more nuanced attitudes in the middle are not only possible, but far more common than the extremes. But why should the people that want no kids present be the ones catered to? If the hosts choose not to invite kids, that is totally their call, but the idea that kids should not be brought _even when explicitly invited_ to a wedding is bizarre, and the fact that this comes from a parent is even worse. It implies that children are inherently offensive. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/76 "2015-02-08T03:48:15Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I am all about the silent judging, and I would be right there with you at a “nice” wedding at a county club where some couple are dealing with a bored and cranky 2 year old and ignoring everyone else. > > But I really don’t understand extending this to all weddings, everywhere. "A wedding should be a place. . . " seems awfully restrictive to me. If you’re at a big, friendly backyard wedding with tons of kids running around, who are you judging? Do you really think less of the 25% of guests who brought their (invited) kids because they are somehow imposing on others? Or do you feel like it’s the bride and groom who don’t get what a wedding “should” be? > > Hell, I’ll go further–just as it’s rude to bring kids to a wedding where they weren’t invited, I’d argue it can be rude NOT to bring your kids to a wedding where they are invited. If it’s a family reunion sort of wedding, and the other 15 cousins under 12 are going to be there, and a bunch of great-aunts and godparents, you ought to bring the next generation just because the function of a wedding like that is to make sure the cousins know each other, to let people see the children and grandchilden of people they, themselves, knew as children, to get photos of everyone together. For someone to leave there kids at home at a wedding like that–and to somehow believe that they were the ones that understood how it “should” be, and that everyone else was being gauche–seems preposterous. Hey, I’ve been to “country club” type weddings where kids were invited as well, and they were just as much fun. Not all kids act like a bunch of hooligans. (Actually, I’d say it’s usually the adults who do that) My favorite family wedding was when my bratty two-year-old cousin couldn’t decide if he wanted to go in the elevator or not, and the door ended up closing on his head. Good times. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2015, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705/77 "2015-02-10T17:51:10Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > But why should the people that want no kids present be the ones catered to? If the hosts choose not to invite kids, that is totally their call, but the idea that kids should not be brought _even when explicitly invited_ to a wedding is bizarre, and the fact that this comes from a parent is even worse. It implies that children are inherently offensive. If the kids are invited but the parents don’t want to bring them, that’s their call too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-polite-way-to-invite-parents-but-not-kids/711705.md?page=3)