# Is there a problem with being an online dating addict? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267 "2017-11-11T00:53:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/181 "2017-11-13T13:04:58Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > You are not ready for a mature relationship. Maybe not. I am not even really sure what that means. If it looks something like following a wife or girlfriend around with a grocery cart while babbling inane nonsense like I see so often, count me out. I already have plenty of different types of relationships. The only one that I am missing is the lover that doesn’t nag and isn’t a net drain but I can get those on demand right now. I know it sounds very capitalistic and transactional but I truly don’t see the point otherwise. I already have kids, I am not going to support someone else’s and I know there is a greater than even chance that we will get divorced even if we did get married. What is the benefit to having a “mature relationship”? Almost everyone I know that has one isn’t happy with it. I am admittingly self-serving and not in the business of making myself unhappy just to conform to other people’s expectations. If you want to pick someone up at an airport or hotel bar, just look for a wedding ring. Your chances are better if they have one. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/182 "2017-11-13T13:25:53Z")
> [@expectopatronum](#): > > Sure, I’ll remind you. The victim is the girl who you assaulted. Any other questions, you misogynistic prick? > [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > Unwanted kissing \*\*is \*\*assault, btw. You should stop while you’re 50 feet underground, you disgusting misogynist. Folks, enough. While a person’s posting history may have some relevance to this thread, using it as an excuse to turn this into pure personal attacks isn’t acceptable. There’s another forum down the hall and to your left for that, if you must. There are a number of posters in this thread who are able to make their feelings clear while still authoring constructive posts and keeping it in between the lines. It can be done. If you don’t feel like you can do that, please stay out of this thread. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/183 "2017-11-13T13:58:34Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Maybe not. I am not even really sure what that means. If it looks something like following a wife or girlfriend around with a grocery cart while babbling inane nonsense like I see so often, count me out. I already have plenty of different types of relationships. The only one that I am missing is the lover that doesn’t nag and isn’t a net drain but I can get those on demand right now. > > I know it sounds very capitalistic and transactional but I truly don’t see the point otherwise. I already have kids, I am not going to support someone else’s and I know there is a greater than even chance that we will get divorced even if we did get married. > > What is the benefit to having a “mature relationship”? Almost everyone I know that has one isn’t happy with it. I am admittingly self-serving and not in the business of making myself unhappy just to conform to other people’s expectations. If you want to pick someone up at an airport or hotel bar, just look for a wedding ring. Your chances are better if they have one. None of this ends well for you. If you truly wanted to change, you might try to spend some time in therapy. But that requires an amount of self-awareness that I don’t think you posses. And you don’t want to change anyway. So you wouldn’t get anything out of it even if you did go. You insist that you treat women well but it’s clear to anyone and everyone that you do so as a means to an end. That isn’t treating them well, that’s using them to get what you want. What’s more, they know it. That’s why your relationships don’t last and why you get “ghosted” or lied to (aside: you don’t really believe her grandpa died and she broke her phone, right?). You reap what you sow. As for trying to be a good dad – I believe you. But the damage to those kids is already done. As they get older, they will begin to act out in ways you can’t even predict, nor they understand. Best you can do now is try not to cause any more damage. But you will. Because you can’t help yourself. Because despite how much you love them, you’re too self absorbed to change and put anyone but yourself first. Why are you here posting about this? It’s not for advice or help. You knew the only thing you’d get is admonishment. So you did this out of a sense of what?.. Self loathing? Why?.. Because you know you’re not living right and you’re alone and miserable. Is that what you wanted to hear? Something you already know. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/184 "2017-11-13T14:12:42Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Why are you here posting about this? It’s not for advice or help. You knew the only thing you’d get is admonishment. So you did this out of a sense of what?.. Self loathing? Why?.. Because you know you’re not living right and you’re alone and miserable. Is that what you wanted to hear? Something you already know. Fair enough. I have just been doing stuff that is out of bounds even for me and wanted some honest feedback about it. I know the SDMB isn’t going to be kind on these types of matters but that is what I wanted and I am listening. I can’t say that I will change everything and turn into a choir boy but I do want to improve. The funeral and broken phone weren’t a lie BTW. We really are going out when she gets back. I already knew her grandfather was on his death bed. The timing just wasn’t completely predictable. I may have to skip the Russian poker player and focus on one person rather than jumping around from one to another so much. I am not miserable at all. I have everything going for me. I was just starting to think that I was I am pushing stuff too far. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/185 "2017-11-13T14:49:43Z")
So you started this thread because you want to brag about dating two women at the same time while having your ex-wife on the back burner for a weekend getaway - because hey, what’s a little divorce between consenting adults! That’s what brought on this crisis of conscience? Uh-huh. You’re in way over your head and you know it. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/186 "2017-11-13T15:04:30Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > So you started this thread because you want to brag about dating two women at the same time while having your ex-wife on the back burner for a weekend getaway - because hey, what’s a little divorce between consenting adults! That’s what brought on this crisis of conscience? Uh-huh. You’re in way over your head and you know it. I did know it on some level but sometimes you just need people to be direct before you do something really dumb. I really am trying to improve but the temptations are there once you know how to play the game. I appreciate your feedback and I will take it to heart. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes I don’t have the sense god gave a goose. Therapists don’t work for me at all. Sometimes I just need people to be assholes and the SDMB has those in droves to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/187 "2017-11-13T15:16:35Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Everyone makes mistakes. I am surprised this simple one has followed me around for the better part of my adult life on this board. Apparently though you’ve mentioned this story four times, no? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/188 "2017-11-13T15:17:28Z")
Knowing how to “play the game” in dating is dead easy. I can entirely relate to how easy it is to find yourself like a kid in a candy store. Here’s the thing, you don’t get respect and admiration by doing the easy things. You grow as a person by doing the hard things just to brag about them. Why do you think it is that therapy doesn’t work for you? Also, you shouldn’t have to crowd-source people’s opinions to help you figure out what you’re doing wrong. But you did. Then you called them assholes. For giving you exactly what you wanted. Nice. Who’s the asshole again? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/189 "2017-11-13T15:26:40Z")
Nothing makes me more miserable than watching people self-destruct. It brings to mind [this comic.](https://xkcd.com/1027/) It brings to mind the people in my family, who are fundamentally incapable of self-insight but for brief flashes that vanish as soon as they appear. You want to save them with all your heart and soul but they are the only ones who can save themselves. Sexual assault is a violation of someone’s body without their consent. I wouldn’t necessarily expect a seventeen-year-old to understand the nuances of consent (which is a sad commentary on our culture), but I would expect a grown man, upon reflection, to immediately know what that is. When I was 15 or 16, I hit a kid in the balls not in self-defense but because one of his friends told me to. I did not know what I was doing was assault. I thought it was a prank among friends. As a 34-year-old woman I am nothing but mortified and ashamed of my own behavior. I wish I could find that kid and apologize. That is the difference. One of the worst things you can do to any victim of assault is attempt to decide for them whether or not what happened was any big deal. For anyone who was a victim of groping and unwanted kissing, which includes myself, you have effectively undermined the reality of our own experience and added more shame to the experience. With those comments, you have made me, and others like me, more embarrassed and ashamed, and less likely to talk about what happened. And when society collectively asks, “Why didn’t she speak up sooner?” we will point to you. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/190 "2017-11-13T15:30:18Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Who’s the asshole again? Probably me but I didn’t mean that in a derogatory way exactly. Sometimes you just need people to be really blunt with you in a way that is hard to find in real life. Think about how real life would work if everyone walked around talking like they do here, especially in the Pit. It would be a completely different world. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/191 "2017-11-13T15:34:09Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > One of the worst things you can do to any victim of assault is attempt to decide for them whether or not what happened was any big deal. For anyone who was a victim of groping and unwanted kissing, which includes myself, you have effectively undermined the reality of our own experience and added more shame to the experience. With those comments, you have made me, and others like me, more embarrassed and ashamed, and less likely to talk about what happened. And when society collectively asks, “Why didn’t she speak up sooner?” we will point to you. I do feel bad about it in general but it is also true that I didn’t know what I was getting into or the reason for it. It wasn’t a good experience for me either and I have never done anything like it again. That is the best that I can do at this point. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/192 "2017-11-13T15:42:35Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I do feel bad about it in general but it is also true that I didn’t know what I was getting into or the reason for it. It wasn’t a good experience for me either and I have never done anything like it again. That is the best that I can do at this point. It’s always about you. Q.E.D. Per linked comic above: “It won’t help.” ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/193 "2017-11-13T16:53:50Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > You are not ready for a mature relationship. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > Maybe not. I am not even really sure what that means. Learn more about the various types of relationships and non-relationships, decide which one(s) would work best for you, and move forward. Long Term Committed Relationship – Monogamy Long Term Committed Relationship – Polyamory/Open Friends with Benefits Friendship – non sexual Fuck Buddies Casual Dating One Night Stands Given your extremely hostile opinion of women, that eliminates mature relationships from your options, reducing your options to: Friends with Benefits Friendship – non sexual Fuck Buddies Casual Dating One Night Stands Your female friends do not have sex with you, so now you are down to: Casual Dating One Night Stands You enjoy dating more than one night stands, which leaves with only: Casual Dating You get upset when you are ghosted, you are unhappy about the cost of dating, and you do not want to maintain a relationship with most of the people whom you date, so your adverts for dates/dating profile are either: Not selective enough and/or Misleading As far as your adverts not being selective enough, take what you have learned over you 200+ dates and modify your adverts/profile to winnow down the false positives. As far as being misleading goes, be absolutely honest in your adverts/profiles. If you make it clear in your profile your feelings about women that you have put forward repeatedly in the SDMB, you will significantly reduce the frequency of false positives. In other words, your views about women are holding you back from having mature relationships with women despite your not being satisfied with your present relations with women, so either fundamentally change your attitude toward women, or resign yourself to only being a player. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/194 "2017-11-13T18:08:23Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Therapists don’t work for me at all. Really? Gee, I wonder why. :smack: Could it possibly be that they tell you things you don’t want to hear? ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/195 "2017-11-13T20:48:53Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Really? I was 17 years old at the time. I am 44 now, I kissed a friend that still likes me a lot. I didn’t come up with the plan and didn’t expect it to work. I was the underage one. > > Remind me again who is the victim? > > I may be a terrible person but it isn’t because of that, Wait, wait, wait. You claim you were only kissing her? But you wrote: from here > [@](#): > > A friend enlisted me to switch places with him in the middle of a love-making session and then switch back again before his girlfriend even knew it. Everyone knows that is impossible…yet it worked perfectly because we had the same build, same type of hair, and same clothes on that night. > > We just used an unusually dark room at another friend’s house and subtle cues to stand up and quickly switch places between the bed and a closet. This wasn’t some minor trick either. My part in the bed lasted about 20 minutes with not a single bit of detection on her part. Luckily for me, she was one her period and we didn’t have actual intercourse. My semi-friend and I switched back perfectly at the end and she had no idea of any of it that night. No “actual” intercourse? A “lovemaking session”? That sure seems like more than just kissing; it sounds like rape to me. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Fuji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/196 "2017-11-13T20:51:25Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > It’s also consistent with [antisocial personality disorder](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928), and if we’re playing armchair psychiatrist then that’s my pick. I think you’re definitely on to something here. From the checklist on that link: - _“Disregard for right and wrong”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [The first time I was aware that I could be evil is when my younger brother learned to walk for the first time. I pushed him down every chance that I got because I didn’t like him and still don’t.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20252348&postcount=1) - _“Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others”_ I’m not familiar enough with the OP’s history to determine the level of persistence in his attempts at deceit, though of course, even as a one-off, this is disturbing testimony: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [On the hayride, he proposed that he get her into bed and then we somehow switch places without her knowing… Greg and I probably would have never told her but other people thought that it was a little much not to share so they told her.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7256450&postcount=12) - _“Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [It is really hard for me to place a potential girlfriend. Let’s face facts, the whole role is to screw, be pretty and responsible. I don’t need anything else. Otherwise, she is just a drain on resources](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20594956&postcount=29) - _“Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [I am using other people as a tool to get what I want. I don’t feel that many emotions towards them although that doesn’t apply universally.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20595077&postcount=44) - _“Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [I am an arrogant prick in general (deservedly so IMHO) but also very sweet in other ways.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20594743&postcount=7) - _“Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior”_ Per the following quote, does not appear to be an issue in the OP’s case: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [Please note that I have zero felonies or misdemeanors on my record.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20253555&postcount=65) - _“Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty”_ Not enough data, though see the second item on the checklist, as it is quite similar. - _“Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [Maybe but I am more of thrill seeker that doesn’t have the sense god gave a goose.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20409906&postcount=523) - _“Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [Many of my worst enemies have died painful deaths on their own through their own stupidity or just through really bad luck… I am sad for their families because many of them are decent people and even friends but I don’t feel bad for my enemies at all. I am even a little happy when I find out one of them gets killed or something horrible happens to them.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20253269&postcount=46) - _“Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others”_ I haven’t seen evidence of risking the safety of others, but he seems ready to risk his own: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [I regularly engage in several voluntary activities that are vastly more dangerous than any statistical threat posed by spree killers.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=18450393&postcount=40) - _“Poor or abusive relationships”_ > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [I went so far as to buy a place with limited access and security on my own because I was truly scared of her at one point. It isn’t that bad anymore but I always make sure there is at least one other adult in the room when we are together in case the psycho kicks in again.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20024884&postcount=29) - _“Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them”_ I have no idea whether the OP considers negative consequences before acting, but he certainly fails to learn from them, as exemplified by the whiplash in his judgment regarding the appropriateness of a particular act - _within a span of three hours!_: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [Let us put this to rest once and for all. I made a bad decision and should not have done it. I learned my lesson and will never repeat it. There was no damage done but it was still wrong.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20598484&postcount=166) > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [It turns out I didn’t do anything wrong.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20598580&postcount=176) - _“Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations”_ Does not appear to be the case, as the OP has repeatedly testified to the contrary, _ad nauseum_: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [I have been going out with high-earning women for years including this past Saturday. It gets annoying. I get to listen to their complaints while paying for whatever it is we are doing and it is usually very expensive.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20355101&postcount=7) IANAP, but damn, dude - you’re hittin’ about 75% of those bullet-points. Maybe you should spend some of that bling on the best shrink you can find. I’m sure there’s one out there that can help you, but you have to sincerely be willing to change. (Which brings me to my final point - you’ve repeatedly referred to your “unique personality” and how it’s a stumbling block in your approach to therapy: > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [However, I am a fairly unique person by all accounts that not everyone likes and I know that.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20366054&postcount=246) > [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Shagnasty** > [Those are good points and I am trying to remediate the less desirable parts of my personality but I am not willing to change it completely. That would change my sense of self and take away some of my strengths.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20595376&postcount=67) Two things: 1) We’re _all_ freaking unique. Do you not get that?, and 2) Having a self-avowed distinct personality is not a reasonable basis for refusing to consider doing the hard work of changing yourself with the help of a therapist.) Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/197 "2017-11-13T21:27:42Z")
Mental note: Never get on Fuji’s naughty list. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/198 "2017-11-13T21:32:48Z")
I’m standing by NPD. Narcissists may exhibit behavior in some respects that looks like sociopathology, but it’s generally limited to people they feel have wronged them in some way. It sounds like **Shagnasty** probably has some healthy relationships with people who he cares about. > [@](#): > > **Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder** > > The definition of NPD states that it comprises of a persistent manner of grandiosity, a continuous desire for admiration, along with a lack of empathy. It starts by early adulthood and occurs in a range of situations, as signified by the existence of any 5 of the next 9 standards (American Psychiatric Association, 2013): > > A grandiose logic of self-importance > > A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love > > A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be > understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions > > A desire for unwarranted admiration > > A sense of entitlement > > Interpersonally oppressive behavior > > No form of empathy > > Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her > A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes > > Another model, characterizes NPD as having fair or superior impairment in personality functioning, apparent by characteristic troubles in at least 2 of the following 4 areas (American Psychiatric Association, 2013): > > Individuality > Self-direction > Empathy > Closeness ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/199 "2017-11-13T21:36:40Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It is not a lie and certainly not a favorable one on my part. The story itself is true. I would love to say that it wasn’t true because of all the grief it caused but not to anyone actually involved. It was simply two teenagers making out under weird circumstances with no harm intended. Everyone makes mistakes. I am surprised this simple one has followed me around for the better part of my adult life on this board. People on this board have thought about way more than the people involved. > . . . You say that she was told but didn’t believe it. Why don’t you tell her, now, that you really did it. If you really are interested in finding out whether we are all just being silly, you will do so. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > No there wasn’t. I wouldn’t have even known how to do “more” at the time. > . . . > It is hardly the crime of the century and, again, we are all still friends. If you boil it down, I kissed my friend when I was very young under awkward circumstances. The SDMB is the only place where that story has any relevance because the people involved didn’t think about it much after it happened. I posted it as an anecdote but I never expected it to live on forever. It was never about sex. It was a simple prank that simultaneously worked and backfired contrary to my young expectations. I may have even been the one being pranked for all I know. This attempt to repackage yourself as the victim is utterly pathetic. You fooled an unconsenting woman into getting physically intimate with you. And she does NOT know, as you state she didn’t believe the story and so your continuing friendship is in no way proof that it wasn’t a problem. Let me ask you this, if instead of switching the way you did, you had said out loud “Hey X, can I have a turn now?” Do you think she would have said “yes”? > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I do feel bad about it in general but it is also true that I didn’t know what I was getting into or the reason for it. It wasn’t a good experience for me either and I have never done anything like it again. That is the best that I can do at this point. Nope, it’s not even close. You owe this woman the truth, and an apology. And you fully deserve to sit there respectfully, acknowledging her pain and repeatedly apologizing as many times as she needs to hear it. > [@Fenris](#): > > Wait, wait, wait. > > You claim you were only kissing her? > > But you wrote: > > from here > > No “actual” intercourse? A “lovemaking session”? > > That sure seems like more than just kissing; it sounds like rape to me. I think so too. Let’s ask her! > [@Shagnasty](#): > > . . . It is really hard for me to place a potential girlfriend. Let’s face facts, the whole role is to screw, be pretty and responsible. I don’t need anything else. Otherwise, she is just a drain on resources. I can be as sweet as they come but I am not running a charity. I have an ex-wife (with an emphasis on the ex) that is an executive vice-president for a large company. That type of thing isn’t attractive to me. The money is good but they make poor partners. But getting back to the OP, I think I can solve your problem. Just make the above your online dating profile. Let every woman who considers you know what you are really looking for. Be honest, and date only those women who consent to your plan for the relationship. You will have far fewer temptations to filter through, and those you do get will be actually choosing what you are offering. You won’t have to hide how you really view them, or lie and manipulate to get what you want. Problem solved all around! ---
**Author:** ![Fuji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Fuji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/200 "2017-11-13T21:41:56Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Mental note: Never get on Fuji’s naughty list. 🙂 You’re too kind. Chalk it up to a combo of being stuck into this fascinating trainwreck, while simultaneously trying to avoid doing my coursework… Don’t tell my prof, please! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=11)