# Is there a problem with being an online dating addict? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267 "2017-11-11T00:53:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/201 "2017-11-13T21:43:27Z")
> [@Fuji](#): > > 🙂 You’re too kind. Chalk it up to a combo of being stuck into this fascinating trainwreck, while simultaneously trying to avoid doing my coursework… Don’t tell my prof, please! I think we are all here out of avoidance of some other task. It’s the only logical explanation. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@Fuji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/202 "2017-11-13T21:46:24Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I’m standing by NPD. Narcissists may exhibit behavior in some respects that looks like sociopathology, but it’s generally limited to people they feel have wronged them in some way. It sounds like **Shagnasty** probably has some healthy relationships with people who he cares about. Like I said, IANAP. You’re probably more accurate with the NPD assessment, though, now that I think about it a bit more. APD has several indicators regarding criminal and financially irresponsible behavior which he has not claimed to have exhibited. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/203 "2017-11-13T22:43:01Z")
> [@Fuji](#): > > Like I said, IANAP. You’re probably more accurate with the NPD assessment, though, now that I think about it a bit more. APD has several indicators regarding criminal and financially irresponsible behavior which he has not claimed to have exhibited. Well, I have as much expertise as you do. I think we have unanimously concluded that there’s something mentally unhealthy going on. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/204 "2017-11-13T23:12:36Z")
I don’t know **Shag**. I can offer speculation on what your motivations are (I haven’t read all 5 pages yet obviously, ain’t nobody got time for that). [ul] [li]You crave the validation this gives you (possibly because it helps compensate for some deep seated insecurity)[/li][li]You crave the sense of interpersonal power of having all these highly desirable women falling for you[/li][li]You have intimacy and commitment issues and as a result are a serial dater who takes off when someone gets close[/li][/ul] I’d guess one of those 3 things. I know for me when I was younger I spent (wasted) a lot of years chasing female validation. I had a lot of unresolved emotional issues I hadn’t dealt with, and I dealt with the feelings of inadequacy and rejection by chasing female validation. The problem is once I got it, I’d lose interest in the woman. I regret that for various reasons, but in large part I regret it because now that I"m almost 40 almost all the good women are taken. I chumped out the best years of my dating life chasing validation to fill an empty hole in my psyche while all the decent women were being scooped up by men whose priorities were better than mine. Now I’m older and would happily date decent women, but decent women are mostly all taken at my age. The women my age who are on the market, by and large, either are looking for the top 5% of men and will not settle, or there is something wrong with them (or both). I’m open to being wrong, but I don’t think I am. Ah well. I do envy your success though. I really do. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/205 "2017-11-13T23:20:09Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > Wait, wait, wait. > > You claim you were only kissing her? > > But you wrote: > > from here > > > [@Shagnasty](#): > > > > This wasn’t some minor trick either. My part in the bed lasted about 20 minutes with not a single bit of detection on her part. Luckily for me, she was one her period and we didn’t have actual intercourse > > No “actual” intercourse? A “lovemaking session”? > > That sure seems like more than just kissing; it sounds like rape to me. While we’re at it, what does her being on her period have to do with the absolutely innocent kissing you’re trying to retcon this story into? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/206 "2017-11-13T23:27:18Z")
I still want to know how he’d feel if one of his daughters came home and told him that her “friends” did this to her. But I suspect he’d rather not think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/207 "2017-11-13T23:38:14Z")
> [@Fuji](#): > > I have no idea whether the OP considers negative consequences before acting, but he certainly fails to learn from them, as exemplified by the whiplash in his judgment regarding the appropriateness of a particular act - _within a span of three hours!_: > > > [@Shagnasty](#): > > > > [Let us put this to rest once and for all. I made a bad decision and should not have done it. I learned my lesson and will never repeat it. There was no damage done but it was still wrong.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20598484&postcount=166) > > > [@Shagnasty](#): > > > > [It turns out I didn’t do anything wrong.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20598580&postcount=176) He was talking about two different things in those quotes, although I was initially confused as well because in the second one he rather abruptly changes the subject. The “I didn’t do anything wrong” bit was in reference to the “Jewish heiress” from the OP who had ghosted him, but oh-so-conveniently got back in touch with him just as this thread was turning against him to let him know that it totally wasn’t his fault that she’d fallen out of contact. However, I do think the only lesson he has learned with regard to his tale of sexual assault is that people here don’t admire him for it the way he expected. After being told again and again [for nearly a decade](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=462277) that what he did was wrong he’s able to parrot that back to us, but he’s also told us again and again in this thread that he doesn’t understand why people here are so outraged by a “prank”, that what he did was harmless, and that if there’s anyone we should be feeling sorry for it’s him. I’m sure if well-intentioned Dopers keep trying to help **Shagnasty** become a better person then he’ll eventually learn to more convincingly mimic remorse and empathy, but I do not believe he actually possesses the capacity for either. I’ll add here that, based on what **Shagnasty** has told us about himself in this thread – e.g. “[I don’t even consider real sex to be the goal. I just make out with one and then move to another within days if they stop responding](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20594620&postcount=1)” and he’s “[good at subtly manipulating people to do what I want](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20597803&postcount=126)” – I do not believe that the sexual assault “prank” was really his _friend’s_ idea. I guess it’s within the realm of possibility that his friend had a full-blown cuckold fantasy and constructed an elaborate scheme to bring it to life, but that doesn’t seem very plausible. It seems vastly more likely to me that **Shagnasty** wanted to make out with another guy’s girlfriend, didn’t care about her consent, and managed to manipulate the friend into believing that switching places during a make-out session and never telling the girl would somehow be a hilarious joke. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2017, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/208 "2017-11-13T23:50:01Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I still want to know how he’d feel if one of his daughters came home and told him that her “friends” did this to her. But I suspect he’d rather not think about it. Oh, I have thought about things like that. I have a shovel. What people aren’t realizing is that I am sorry that I ever did that but I can’t change the past and never expected it to work the way it did. It was teenage stupidity rather than predatory behavior that some people like to assume. I am just as confused about it as anyone and never meant to cause any harm. I thought it was a prank that would end before it ever got started. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/209 "2017-11-14T00:25:00Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It was teenage stupidity rather than predatory behavior that some people like to assume. Bzzzt. Wrong answer. At 17 you knew full well that it was predatory behaviour, but you did it anyway. Your excuse is that it was teenage stupidity, but just because you were a teenager and you were stupid does not excuse that you knew damn well that sexual assault was wrong but you went through with it anyway. The same goes for your assertion that your friend pushed you into it. He wasn’t putting a gun to your head, now was he? Just because your buddy verbally encouraged you to sexually assault a young woman does not in any way excuse your action against her. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/210 "2017-11-14T00:39:58Z")
Hey, **Fuji** , that was an excellent summary, but you missed these gems: [ > [@](#): > > Maybe but I am more of thrill seeker that doesn’t have the sense god gave a goose. > > The problem I am running into is that people aren’t honest or consistent in general. That is why I like talking to strippers because their straightforwardness is refreshing. I have spent a whole lot more than $70 on many dates and was left more confused than ever with nothing to show for it. > > My ex-wife and my two daughters are also objectively attractive. My youngest daughter is my ideal date. I don’t mean that in a perverted way at all. She is a competitive gymnast that also loves to play chess and checkers and she can speak French fluently. She is 11 so I can’t understand why 30 or 40 something year old women can’t even do a fraction of that. My ex-wife has something like borderline personality disorder but she makes a half a million dollars a year. I don’t think I am a gift to the world but it does set the baseline pretty high for other people. > > I am mainly getting irritated by, not just women, but people in general. The one thing that I hate more than anything is people not being where they say will be when they say they will. My coworker did it to me a couple of days ago (he will pay for it), I have one happening right now and a childhood friend did it a few months ago. I do not tolerate flakiness of any sort. If I tell you I will be somewhere on November, 10th 2019 in another state at 8:19 am, you don’t need to tell me twice because I will be there and I won’t be wearing flipflops. ]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20409906&postcount=523](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20409906&postcount=523)) [ > [@](#): > > What we are talking about here is different though. It is a competitive game and you can’t tell who is going to screw you over until you get blindsided. I was supposed to have a date with someone in Newport, Rhode Island today. She just dropped communication for no reason and never called me back. I don’t do that to anyone because I think it is disrespectful. Like I said, that isn’t just women. Male friends have done it to me as well. What they don’t realize is that I consider anything like that a blatant lie and I will hurt you for it. It may take months or even years but I will strike when the opportunity arises. I have done it to bunch of people with no regrets and I will happily do it again. ]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20410411&postcount=532](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20410411&postcount=532)) I particularly like the part about him objectifying his daughter. Oh, and for those on the correct side of “you’re screwing up your kids”, we have this admission: [ > [@](#): > > I suspect part of this problem may be regional. New England women are a little…different and not in a good way. I am going to Colorado on Tuesday to see family with my girls but I will have a private hotel room. I always have better luck when travelling than I do at home. I will have to see what I can arrange.]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20410552&postcount=536](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20410552&postcount=536)) ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/211 "2017-11-14T00:42:11Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Bzzzt. Wrong answer. > > At 17 you knew full well that it was predatory behaviour, but you did it anyway. Your excuse is that it was teenage stupidity, but just because you were a teenager and you were stupid does not excuse that you knew damn well that sexual assault was wrong but you went through with it anyway. > > The same goes for your assertion that your friend pushed you into it. He wasn’t putting a gun to your head, now was he? Just because your buddy verbally encouraged you to sexually assault a young woman does not in any way excuse your action against her. There was nothing AGAINST anyone. This was rural Louisiana in the late 80’s and very early 90’s. We did stupid stuff all the time to just to keep ourselves occupied. It was just how things worked. You can’t apply the PC standards of today retroactively. Times were very different back then. Let me give a different example. When I was 16, a very pretty 23 year year old from Texas took a liking to me a whole lot to the point of just showing up at the supermarket I worked in after school to make propositions. I actually liked her but there was the age difference thing. She finally convinced me to go out with her and got me drunk on cheap wine. I went to rest on her couch and woke up with her on top of me trying to make out. I obliged and we made out like honeymooners until I had to go home and could barely drive because I was still so drunk. That was illegal on so many levels but you know what the damage was? 0% - hey, free 23 year old. Do you think I am ever going to get any sympathy for that? Of course not because I don’t need any. Now reverse the sexes and imagine how it plays out. It is all about perception. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/212 "2017-11-14T00:51:43Z")
See if this rings true, Shagnasty: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if was, it isn’t that big a deal. And if it is, it wasn’t my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did… You deserved it. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/213 "2017-11-14T00:53:09Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Oh, I have thought about things like that. I have a shovel. What people aren’t realizing is that I am sorry that I ever did that but I can’t change the past and never expected it to work the way it did. It was teenage stupidity rather than predatory behavior that some people like to assume. I am just as confused about it as anyone and never meant to cause any harm. I thought it was a prank that would end before it ever got started. You still haven’t explained how your totes innocent smoochies and huggles deception was affected by her having her period, what not-quite “actual” intercourse meant and how in the world anyone in their right mind can describe your 20-minute pure-as-the-wind-driven-snow kissy-face session as “a lovemaking session”? You gonna keep avoiding answering? If so, just say so. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/214 "2017-11-14T01:01:03Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > See if this rings true, Shagnasty: > > That didn’t happen. > And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. > And if was, it isn’t that big a deal. > And if it is, it wasn’t my fault. > And if it was, I didn’t mean it. > And if I did… > You deserved it. “And I’m so proud of it that I’ll repeatedly tell the story to others, for years and years.” ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/215 "2017-11-14T01:04:44Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > I’m sure if well-intentioned Dopers keep trying to help **Shagnasty** become a better person then he’ll eventually learn to more convincingly mimic remorse and empathy, but I do not believe he actually possesses the capacity for either. Timely call: > [@Shagnasty](#): > > What people aren’t realizing is that I am sorry that I ever did that but I can’t change the past and never expected it to work the way it did. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/216 "2017-11-14T01:14:42Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > You still haven’t explained how your totes innocent smoochies and huggles deception was affected by her having her period, what not-quite “actual” intercourse meant and how in the world anyone in their right mind can describe your 20-minute pure-as-the-wind-driven-snow kissy-face session as “a lovemaking session”? > > You gonna keep avoiding answering? If so, just say so. It was just a make-out session in an extremely dark room. That meant lying in bed and kissing with clothes on. Nobody would think that would ever work, me included, but it did somehow against all expectations. I was just trying to figure out how to be convincing until I could reverse the situation back again. She is the one that mentioned her period and thank goodness because I was a virgin at the time. I couldn’t even speak because that would have exposed the whole thing. It is terrifying to be in that situation especially when you don’t know what the motivation is. I just wanted to get out of it without anyone finding out and we managed that somehow. It certainly wasn’t fun on my part. It was just a really odd experience and that is why I wrote about it. I never expected that story to follow me for decades. People these days love to call it “sexual assault” but, in this case, it means that two people kissed for a while in a friend’s bed. It may be wrong but the term “assault” seems to be more than a little bit of overkill. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/217 "2017-11-14T01:20:50Z")
Apropos of nothing, Louisiana does not have a Statute of Limitations for forcible rape, and for all other sexual offenses it’s 30 years unless there’s a DNA match - that starts a 3 year clock ticking. Huh. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/218 "2017-11-14T01:20:53Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It was just a make-out session in an extremely dark room. That meant lying in bed and kissing with clothes on. That apparently meant ‘kissing and light petting’ and you without your shirt on. Please try to keep your multi-posted story straight. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/219 "2017-11-14T01:36:07Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > It was just a make-out session in an extremely dark room. That meant lying in bed and kissing with clothes on. Nobody would think that would ever work, me included, but it did somehow against all expectations. I was just trying to figure out how to be convincing until I could reverse the situation back again. She is the one that mentioned her period and thank goodness because I was a virgin at the time. > > I couldn’t even speak because that would have exposed the whole thing. It is terrifying to be in that situation especially when you don’t know what the motivation is. I just wanted to get out of it without anyone finding out and we managed that somehow. It certainly wasn’t fun on my part. It was just a really odd experience and that is why I wrote about it. I never expected that story to follow me for decades. > > People these days love to call it “sexual assault” but, in this case, it means that two people kissed for a while in a friend’s bed. It may be wrong but the term “assault” seems to be more than a little bit of overkill. People might have left it at skievy were it not for the fact that, thou dost repeat and thence protest too much. You’re a narcissist. You’re incapable of admitting to being wrong without qualifications and justifications. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2017, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/220 "2017-11-14T01:53:23Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > People might have left it at skievy were it not for the fact that, thou dost repeat and thence protest too much. > > You’re a narcissist. You’re incapable of admitting to being wrong without qualifications and justifications. ‘Why does this story I’ve been telling for years keep getting discussed by the people I keep telling?’ 😕 :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=12)