# Is there a problem with being an online dating addict? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267 "2017-11-11T00:53:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/61 "2017-11-11T14:48:00Z")
You sound like a drama queen, **Shagnasty**. You are the master of your own disaster. You know it. Yet you keep doing that which you know will not get you the good result. This tells me you don’t want the good result. What you want, is drama. When you finally decide that you’re over the drama, you’ll begin to think and act in ways that get you the good results. Until then, you’re just not ready. It’s a process. Maybe this is your first step of many in getting to a better place. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/62 "2017-11-11T14:51:51Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Has no-one ever warned you about sticking your dick in the crazy… or are you just living up to your user name? I have but thank you for pointing out the obvious. It is probably for the best if I stay away from the latest one even though I like her a lot. Her family is oddly similar to Arrested Development even though she has never seen it. If you think I have some crazy stories, just listen to her. Things get more and more bizarre as she talks. I thought I could top anyone. It turns out that I met my match and she wins. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/63 "2017-11-11T15:03:59Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > You make a lot of really good points but this is the one I will dispute. It is really hard to go from a female-male friend relationship into a romantic one. It certainly happens but it takes time that I don’t have. I am a fast mover. > > I already have plenty of very serious female friends as well as two daughters that are the most important people to me in the world. It is really hard for me to place a potential girlfriend. Let’s face facts, the whole role is to screw, be pretty and responsible. I don’t need anything else. Otherwise, she is just a drain on resources. I can be as sweet as they come but I am not running a charity. I have an ex-wife (with an emphasis on the ex) that is an executive vice-president for a large company. That type of thing isn’t attractive to me. The money is good but they make poor partners. Frankly it sounds like what you want is a call girl, not a date. For you it is purely business, the business of getting sex as efficiently as possible. Your problem is not that it is soulless and cold, that’s what you want. Your problem is that you call it dating. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/64 "2017-11-11T15:06:34Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I don’t get lonely. Between kids, work and family, I am responsible for too many people already. I can handle those but I don’t want dead weight in the dating world. It doesn’t matter how many homeless shelters you are volunteering for if it doesn’t translate into something that fits romantically and sexually. > > I would amend the title to be “The Trials and Tribulations of the Online Douchebag” to draw more sympathy to my plight. The irony is that I just don’t care anymore and that has turned out to be my biggest strength in the dating world. “The Art of The Douchebag Deal”. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/65 "2017-11-11T15:13:11Z")
I’m looking at this from a female perspective and have come up with a couple of theories: 1. They don’t maintain contact because you must be coming off in some way which sends red flags all over the place 2. They don’t maintain contact because they’re playing the field like you are. In other words, they’re honestly not looking for s serious relationship. Do they just want to get laid? Perhaps. Methinks, though, they like to have company doing stuff rather than doing it by themselves, like going to dinner or whatever. From what little I know about you, Shag, you’ve always struck me as a bit of the drama-llama type, as **QuickSilver** pointed out. That plus what \*\* Tee\*\* said about your most recent relationship ending plus what everybody has said is doing a number on you mentally. There’s a desperate compulsion to your actions. It’s not much different than what many men go through after the loss of a spouse… A very good male friend of mine went off the rails for about a year after losing his wife. He’s since remarried and has settled down. Your actions remind me of his during that time. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/66 "2017-11-11T15:13:53Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > “The Art of The Douchebag Deal”. Do you think that would sell? ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/67 "2017-11-11T15:23:45Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > I’m looking at this from a female perspective and have come up with a couple of theories: > > 1. They don’t maintain contact because you must be coming off in some way which sends red flags all over the place > 2. They don’t maintain contact because they’re playing the field like you are. In other words, they’re honestly not looking for s serious relationship. Do they just want to get laid? Perhaps. Methinks, though, they like to have company doing stuff rather than doing it by themselves, like going to dinner or whatever. > > From what little I know about you, Shag, you’ve always struck me as a bit of the drama-llama type, as **QuickSilver** pointed out. That plus what \*\* Tee\*\* said about your most recent relationship ending plus what everybody has said is doing a number on you mentally. > > There’s a desperate compulsion to your actions. It’s not much different than what many men go through after the loss of a spouse… A very good male friend of mine went off the rails for about a year after losing his wife. He’s since remarried and has settled down. Your actions remind me of his during that time. Those are good points and I am trying to remediate the less desirable parts of my personality but I am not willing to change it completely. That would change my sense of self and take away some of my strengths. People constantly say that I am one of a kind and to never change and that isn’t always in a good way. I need someone to accept me for me. Like my mother always says, “Joke them if they can’t take a fuck”. I come by it honestly and my oldest daughter has my personality as well. People get frustrated with her too but there is nothing you can do about it. She is the only person that understands some of my very subtle jokes. There are a whole lot of people that really like me but it usually takes a long time for them to understand my personality. That isn’t something I am good at doing in just a few dates. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/68 "2017-11-11T15:24:05Z")
From your OP it sounds like you are actually interested in moving into a longer term relationship? The problem, as I see it, is that you are stuck in the casual online dating world, and expect that to deliver what you really want. Either you give up the online world, or accept that it will not deliver a longer term relationship. Also, I can’t help but mention - you are constantly mentioning how important your daughters are to you. Is your life of online dating with its serial casual relationships one that you would wish for them? I’m guessing it’s not. Because I can assure you they are watching and listening and learning. (Yeah, judgy, I know.) ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/69 "2017-11-11T15:33:44Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Also, I can’t help but mention - you are constantly mentioning how important your daughters are to you. Is your life of online dating with its serial casual relationships one that you would wish for them? I’m guessing it’s not. Because I can assure you they are watching and listening and learning. (Yeah, judgy, I know.) That is a good question. I keep them completely shielded from anyone I go out with. They have never met one and I still have a good relationship with their mother to the point of sleeping over at their (my former) house and their grandparent’s houses when necessary. I still go to all major holidays with my ex-wife’s family. I have no idea if my ex-wife has had a boyfriend since we got divorced because she does the same thing I do. The funny thing is that Match tried to set us up again several times until I blocked her. I think they have a flaw in their algorithm. I am not a big fan of marriage in general so I am not sure what I am teaching my daughters about that. They can choose to do it or go by the Icelandic model for all I care as long as they are happy. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/70 "2017-11-11T15:35:40Z")
What does “I come by it honestly” mean? ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/71 "2017-11-11T15:40:36Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > What does “I come by it honestly” mean? It is a saying that means you didn’t invent the idea yourself - you got it from others (usually your family). ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/72 "2017-11-11T15:42:05Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Also, I can’t help but mention - you are constantly mentioning how important your daughters are to you. Is your life of online dating with its serial casual relationships one that you would wish for them? I’m guessing it’s not. Because I can assure you they are watching and listening and learning. (Yeah, judgy, I know.) This has 100% been the one thing running through my mind in all of the OP’s recent threads. His attitude toward women is positively medieval, and even if he makes every attempt to hide it from his sacred, spoiled daughters, I have no doubt that they have a very good inkling of what dad is getting up to. They are certainly learning nothing about having a loving, normal, intimate relationship, and because they have no other role model to base their actions off, they will no doubt repeat the mistakes of the rest of the family, with their multiple divorces and suicides and drama. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/73 "2017-11-11T16:16:00Z")
> [@kiz](#): > > There’s a desperate compulsion to your actions. It’s not much different than what many men go through after the loss of a spouse… A very good male friend of mine went off the rails for about a year after losing his wife. He’s since remarried and has settled down. Your actions remind me of his during that time. You’re right in that this is quite common under these circumstances. You lose your fucking mind and in the interest of catching up for lost time and a not insignificant amount of insecurity, you act out in ways you normally would not. It feels great though and the rewards are considerable, if fleeting. But there does come a time when you begin to feel disgusted with yourself and begin contemplating throwing yourself into the nearest river. Perhaps our OP hero is starting to feel like he needs to go for a swim to wash off the shagnasty. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/74 "2017-11-11T16:16:22Z")
Jeezus ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/75 "2017-11-11T16:18:12Z")
> [@DummyGladHands](#): > > Jeezus Harold be thy name. ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/76 "2017-11-11T16:47:46Z")
You should watch episode 2 of the Netflix TV show “Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On” titled “Love Me Tinder”. It profiles a guy who sounds remarkably similar to you in many ways and how he starts the episode extremely proud of his lifestyle but, as the documentary forces him to engage in self-reflection, over the course of the episode his facade breaks down and he slowly starts realizing how shallow his life had become and how much he was hurting the people around him. I thought it was a fascinating character study and a really well crafted mini-documentary. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/77 "2017-11-11T16:48:34Z")
I agree that your posts make me wonder if there isn’t some kind of mental pathology at work, but my first thought–which on the surface runs contrary to your posts–is something on the Asperger/Autism spectrum. I mean, you say you’ve learned how to say the right things to get the right dates, but it doesn’t last, and while it’s totally obvious to the rest of us why, you just don’t get it. Even in the posts where you say you get it, you don’t. I don’t know how to help you, and I don’t know that any kind of professional evaluation would be helpful in your case, but I will say that I’ve met guys like you and I can’t run in the other direction fast enough. You understand business and economics because those are easy. You’ve convinced yourself (or maybe you’re only capable of believing) that that’s \*the \*answer to understanding _everything_. You are tall, well-groomed, well-dressed little boys with palpable fear in your eyes, and I am \*not \*responsible for fixing it. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/78 "2017-11-11T16:56:21Z")
Another vote for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think the OP’s is addicted to online dating because it provides endless narcissistic supply that feeds your ego. And the excuse that you don’t have enough time or love for a true partner because all that goes to your daughters is a defense mechanism because you are afraid of being hurt. So you play it like a numbers game & keep the supply going to protect your ego from injury. Also narcissists are notoriously attracted to borderlines, so that explains why you like the slightly crazy ones. The fact that you put it out here on SDMB tells me that you know there is a problem, and are looking for answers. Just 2 cents from an armchair freud. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/79 "2017-11-11T16:59:37Z")
> [@Enola\_Gay](#): > > The fact that you put it out here on SDMB tells me that you know there is a problem, and are looking for answers. Could just be that he’s _telling everybody_. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2017, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267/80 "2017-11-11T17:00:13Z")
Fair enough for the harsh criticisms. I don’t think all of them are spot on but I was hoping for the SDMB to lay it on me and it is delivering. I am trying to be as honest as possible. Believe it or not, I do try to listen and adjust my behavior accordingly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-there-a-problem-with-being-an-online-dating-addict/801267.md?page=5)