Is there a worse strip tease than Salma Hayek in From Dusk til Dawn?

[dropzone]

Nah, that was post implants, as if she needed them.

[Sam_Stone]

Salma Hayek wasn’t doing a striptease. She was doing a Vampire Queen Snake Dance. You don’t take your clothes off for those. You just come out and be amazingly hot. Then you eat a human.

[Little_Nemo]

The strip requires that we see the actress on stage with her clothes off at some point in the movie.

The tease is all the other scenes in the movie.

[Manduck]

There was an episode of Welcome Back Kotter where one of the girls in the class became a stripper. I think that was the worst strip tease ever. She did the entire thing in a knee-length dress.

[enomaj]

@Bearflag70

I might win this thread. I submit the following:

Officer Stacy Sheridan (Heather Locklear) takes an undercover job posing as an exotic dancer in TJ Hooker

Heather Locklear set white women back 30 years with that. She did zero research for that role. Madonna was out back then; Heather could have copied her.

And what was with the Dangerzone ripoff and the well lit strip club with patrons who look like they’re listening to a keynote speaker?

Yes, you do win the thread.

[joemama24_98]

@Starving_Artist

Yeah, there’s a lot of great talent at work on that album, most of it previously unheard of. Apart from the two score pieces I love every song, and even after thirteen years or so I still find myself listening to it several times a month (on repeat, no less :D). Absolutely one of my favorite albums.

Amen to that. But you have to be careful who you play it for. I had the CD playing in the background once when I was in college (11 years ago!) and my parents came up to visit. My mom was horrified when she heard the Cheech Marin “monologue”

[Spoke]

@enomaj

She did zero research for that role. Madonna was out back then; Heather could have copied her.

Instead she made the tragic mistake of imitating Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. (And poorly.)

And what was with the Dangerzone ripoff…

I believe that was a “She’s a Maniac” ripoff. Continuing with the Flashdance theme.

All of which leads me to believe Heather’s “research” consisted of watching the movie Flashdance.

[Starving_Artist]

@joemama24_98

Amen to that. But you have to be careful who you play it for. I had the CD playing in the background once when I was in college (11 years ago!) and my parents came up to visit. My mom was horrified when she heard the Cheech Marin “monologue”

That’s right, it’s easy to slip up. There’s “Chet’s Speech”, which you’re thinking of, and “Do Me A Favor”, which nearly caused me to fall off my seat the first time I heard it (I heard the music before seeing the film).

I’ve almost blown it a couple of times over the years. You get so used to hearing those peices while the album is playing that after a while you forget to stop it in time if you have someone in the house or car that you know wouldn’t appreciate it.

That’s one of the advantages of having the album on my iPod now. I can uncheck those two pieces in iTunes and they are omitted when I sync my iPod. No more worries.

[CalMeacham]

I’ve posted this on the NBoard before, but it’s worth posting again-- an incisive analysis of Big-Name-Star"Stripping" in movies, from the Jabootu review of I Know Who Killed Me:

We get obligatory shots of the unsmiling patrons (would you be happy if this was the ‘dancing’ you were treated to?), which also feature obligatory boobs from beheaded extras working the crowd. Apparently, this is the kind of strip club where the dancer on stage stays clothed, and the cocktail waitresses in the crowd wander about naked. Interesting business plan.

Actually, as Lohan continues to walk very slowly about in her nightie and occasionally squat down and stand up as if she can’t decide whether or not to poop, it’s worth having a brief discursion on this particular genus of movie strip club. Hollywood has a vehement love-hate relationship with strip joints: they love the opportunity to parade women’s bodies around with impunity, but hate the frank and sometimes unsexy fact of constant nudity.

In real strip clubs (in case you need the education), the outfits generally stay on for all of sixty seconds, and the dances are choreographed for maximum viewage of the important naughty bits, accompanied by lots of writhing and leg spreading. Meanwhile, the non-dancing strippers are usually sitting near the bar chatting with each other while wearing bikinis or less, or sliding across the laps of the various patrons.

In movie strip clubs, the dancers perform long and slow numbers in complicated lingerie, with perhaps a brief flourish of nudity at the end, and the choreography involves much hair tossing and walking up and down the runway, sort of like a Victoria’s Secret fashion show with bad lighting, but the strippers in the crowd are invariably topless and wandering about with drinks, as if the bus for a Las Vegas showgirl troupe broke down and all the dancers needed to make some extra cash to get it fixed.

The reason for this dichotomy between reality and fiction is simple: directors want to put their main actress on stage, and actresses, once they get big enough to be leads, generally (and rightly) frown upon the necessary physical exploitation involved in real strip club pole dancing. In many cases, the movie ’strippers’ never strip at all, a fact which only “Planet Terror” has ever bothered to explain—Rose McGowan insists she’s a go-go dancer, not a stripper. In recent memory alone, we have Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Salma Hayek, and now Lindsay Lohan all portraying this special breed of non-stripping stripper. The movie patrons never seem to mind, of course, even though they’d be screaming bloody murder at a real place (or more likely, not there at all—who would go to these clubs?).

This all makes sense, of course, but has led to some strange notions of pole dancing in popular culture, to the point that pole dancing classes are now popular at fitness clubs, and young women who probably have never set foot inside a strip joint think of it more as a dancing technique than the gritty, exploitative act that it is.

I Know Who Killed Me

[Moirai]

You might take into consideration that Salma Hayek is scared to death of snakes- bordering on phobic. She agreed to do it, but she was pretty much freaking out.

[Horatio_Hellpop]

Worst? Every frame and cel of Coyote Ugly.

[Cat_Fight]

I thought this post was going to be a joke. That dance was one of the hottest things ever, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t fit to suck beer off Hayek’s big toe.

[Beware_of_Doug]

Agree. 2 minutes of nothing but Ms. Hayek taking off stockings and teasing with bare feet would be the hottest striptease ever put on film.

[Superfluous_Parentheses]

@Beware_of_Doug

Agree. 2 minutes of nothing but Ms. Hayek taking off stockings and teasing with bare feet would be the hottest striptease ever put on film.

Perverts!

I completely agree

[Mk_VII]

@Cat_Fight

I thought this post was going to be a joke. That dance was one of the hottest things ever, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t fit to suck beer off Hayek’s big toe.

At which point the movie promptly changed gear and turned into something quite different, as though the cast had taken a lunch break and accidentally walked back onto the set of the movie being shot next door.

[Superfluous_Parentheses]

@Mk_VII

At which point the movie promptly changed gear and turned into something quite different, as though the cast had taken a lunch break and accidentally walked back onto the set of the movie being shot next door.

And it got even awesomer!

[Starving_Artist]

@Bearflag70

I might win this thread. I submit the following:

Officer Stacy Sheridan (Heather Locklear) takes an undercover job posing as an exotic dancer in TJ Hooker

Yep, you win it all right.

Damn, it was painful watching that. I couldn’t even make it all the way through. The producers or directors or whoever was responsible for getting that scene shot oughta be shot themselves.

[Lamia]

That Heather Locklear clip is a hoot. It’s hard to believe it was even supposed to be sexy. She looks more like a not-very-good aerobics instructor.

[Arnold_Winkelried]

@Icerigger

I have the winner.

How about the one from the Planet of the Apes remake. The older orangutan councilman’s chimpanzee trophy wife doing a dance with the veil as she starts to grunt and gyrate to the delight of her ape husband.

Yeah, I know, because she didn’t even get down to the bikini, right? Much less full nudity. I was very disappointed by that too.

[Starving_Artist]

@Lamia

That Heather Locklear clip is a hoot. It’s hard to believe it was even supposed to be sexy. She looks more like a not-very-good aerobics instructor.

It’s people like her who give us white folk a bad name.