# Is this a hurtful statement to make to an adopted child? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655 "2009-08-25T17:46:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/21 "2009-08-25T19:17:18Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > I wasn’t doing HIM a favor when I brought him home. I’d wanted children my whole life. Bringing him home was a dream fulfilled, for me. I owe HIM far more than he’ll ever owe me. This is a wonderful thing to say. You son is very fortunate! ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/22 "2009-08-25T19:39:22Z")
I’m not adopted, either, but it does seem harsh to me. I wouldn’t compare it to “I was in labor for 47 hours…” so much as “I never wanted you in the first place, but I kept you anyway (out of the goodness of my heart), and this is the thanks I get.” It just makes it sound like the kid wasn’t wanted. No, parents don’t deserve to be treated badly, but that’s not something they earn by taking on the burden of a child - it’s because no one deserves to be treated badly. Or to look at it another way, imagine if your boss said, “We hired you into this company out of the goodness of our hearts and we don’t deserve to be treated this way.” I’d think, “Geez, I thought you hired me because you liked and wanted me!” ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/23 "2009-08-25T19:39:45Z")
> [@Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](#): > > Another adoptive parent checking in. That is a hugely fucking bitchy thing to say. I would NEVER say anything to my child to imply that adopting her was a burden or she somehow ‘owes’ us something for shouldering said burden. Yeah, it has an ugly undercurrent. There’s an implied caveat in “out of the goodness of our hearts.” It sounds like the child is defective or actually unwanted in some way. Eg/ “No one wanted you, but we are good people so we took you in because we felt sorry for you.” or “We didn’t really want you, but it was the ‘right’ thing to do.” I would be less appalled if an adoptive parent said: “I waited for years and fought long and hard to bring you into this family! How could you speak to me like that?” It’s still manipulative, but “out of the goodness of our hearts” implies taking in the child was an act of charity rather than love, and is a shitty thing to say. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/24 "2009-08-25T19:54:12Z")
I consider it an enormous honor to be entrusted with the care and upbringing of the Celtling. I also consider it the “duty” of any parent to make sure their children know they are loved, treasured, and appreciated. None of the examples cited here strike me as “treasuring” one’s child. In your place, I’d be tempted to suggest that it was selfish of your Mother to adopt a child who might have had a more loving family without her intervention. But no, I’m not recommending you stoop to her level. She’s wrong to say this. It may not actually reflect her true feelings though, and you shouldn’t allow the interjection of a frustrated moment to make you discount love that you felt in other circumstances. A good discussion to have with a therapist is how this comment fits in with the overall tenor of your upbringing, and whether her example (in this and whatever other circumstances may come up) is one you want to follow in your own life. My parents did not treasure their children. We were cared for in a desultory and begrudging manner. It’s not something I’d want Celtling to ever experience. Being the one to break the cycle is a wonderful feeling. _My Mother had a great deal of trouble with me; I think she enjoyed it though. - Mark Twain_ ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/25 "2009-08-25T20:06:12Z")
I’m adopted. I think words like that are immature and manipulative. ( I bet her mother said similar words to her.) Guilt should never be the base of any relationship. You’re friends were right to be outraged, so should you. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/26 "2009-08-25T20:06:33Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > It just suggests to me that you see this person not as your child but as a burden. Both things could be said in jest. But both, even if said in jest, are extremely hurtful. My mother used to “joke” that her purpose upon marrying my father was to clone him; well, the first try was wrong for obvious reasons, as that try came out with a vagina; the second try was wrong due to having too much imagination; third try was the charm, he’s just 100% like his Daddy. All four of us (that includes Dad) found it extremely insulting, yet she did it for decades. And, you know what? She said it as a joke, but it’s true: she has absolutely zero interest in getting to know any of her children, and she insists that the youngest is “just like his Dad” in things in which Dad and him are as akin as coconuts and pebbles. “I made you, therefore you owe me” and “I adopted you, therefore you owe me” are very nasty things to say and are absolutely not true.7 **Zsofia** , if the child is manipulative, he probably learned it from grownups. Same as my 3yo nephew learned to lie… because he has an uncle who loves lying to little children. The kid has also learned, from that same source, that you should never trust a grownup. Helluva lessons! Someone who’d say the kind of things listed in the OP is certainly setting an example of manipulative behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8797f3/32.png) [@Brainiac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/27 "2009-08-25T20:12:14Z")
> [@baileygrrrl](#): > > … I mean, they did take me in right? I should be good to them as a daughter right? Man, I need therapy. No, you’re fine. It’s your friends who need, not therapy, but a little more common sense. If you haven’t figured out that people say odd things when they are hurt, then you should consider that. If a policeman misinterprets my road skills, then I suddenly feel like telling him he’s got a spot on his tie. Just for spite! ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/28 "2009-08-25T20:18:52Z")
> [@Hedda\_Rosa](#): > > As a mom the problem I see is that it puts all the burden for civility and respect on you. If you were a 10-year-old orphan in the Great Depression, who got shipped to the midwest to work on a farm, then yeah, “goodness of their hearts”. > > But in most adoptions there are reciprocal benefits for both the parents and the child, as much as with parents who gave birth to their children. > > Kids don’t have a debt to repay to their parents. The debt is paid forward to _their_ kids, though you do technically owe respect to your parents, and love if possible…they have made the effort to keep you [medical care, clothing and food hopefully…] and raise you … hopefully. We don’t have kids, so I pay it forward by helping people when and where I can. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/29 "2009-08-25T20:29:37Z")
> [@Brainiac](#): > > No, you’re fine. It’s your friends who need, not therapy, but a little more common sense. If you haven’t figured out that people say odd things when they are hurt, then you should consider that. If a policeman misinterprets my road skills, then I suddenly feel like telling him he’s got a spot on his tie. Just for spite! “People say odd things when they’re hurt” is a slight mis-characterization. Yes, people say \*hurtful \*things when they are hurt, but that doesn’t make it right. In my view, a child should never have their right to belong to a family questioned. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/30 "2009-08-25T20:40:19Z")
> [@bup](#): > > “People say odd things when they’re hurt” is a slight mis-characterization. Yes, people say \*hurtful \*things when they are hurt, but that doesn’t make it right. In my view, a child should never have their right to belong to a family questioned. Yeah. It’s one thing to snap and say something hurtful to a kid but quite another to, repeatedly, imply that a kid doesn’t really belong. I’ve read, in this thread and in other places, many parents’ accounts of adopting where they say that they don’t view adoption as an act of charity but as the other way around. That is, they don’t view themselves as heroic for adopting a kid–they feel like the kid is adding something to their life. I think that’s a lot healthier than viewing yourself as someone’s savior. I mean, it’s one thing to pat yourself on the back for adopting a dog from the pound, but it’s just a creepy relationship to be in for a parent/child relationshp. ---
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/31 "2009-08-25T20:49:28Z")
Yeah, I think it’s hurtful. The way I do this with my (biological) daughter who is 2 and doesn’t understand yet, is basically to go with game theory. Appeal to her self-interest, if you want me to be nice to you, be nice to me. If she wants something, and her first instinct is to scream and whine about it I make her suffer with it for a little while. Sometimes she’ll calm down and be nice other times she’ll just keep being bratty about it, and eventually I’ll capitulate because she’s two and she is just not being nice about articulating a genuine need. The trick though is to hop to it when she actually asks nicely. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/32 "2009-08-25T20:51:20Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Yeah. It’s one thing to snap and say something hurtful to a kid but quite another to, repeatedly, imply that a kid doesn’t really belong. > > I’ve read, in this thread and in other places, many parents’ accounts of adopting where they say that they don’t view adoption as an act of charity but as the other way around. That is, they don’t view themselves as heroic for adopting a kid–they feel like the kid is adding something to their life. I think that’s a lot healthier than viewing yourself as someone’s savior. I mean, it’s one thing to pat yourself on the back for adopting a dog from the pound, but it’s just a creepy relationship to be in for a parent/child relationshp. I could see (with difficulty) how, in the heat of an ugly arguement, a statement like that could slip out, (though I would still think it was a very hurtful way to think, let alone speak aloud), but to repeat it on several occasions over the years is a terrible way to treat someone you love… ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/33 "2009-08-25T20:53:58Z")
Hurtful or not, we all have hurtful things to deal with in our lives, adopted or not. I suppose the pat answer would be, “I didn’t ask you to, so you owe me.” As I always say “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but sometimes two wrongs cancel each othe out.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/34 "2009-08-25T20:57:23Z")
I’m adopted. While my mom never pulled this one on me (and yet, I did pull the “you’re not my real mother, my real mother wouldn’t treat me this way” on her), it is hurtful. The message is: You were pitiful and abandoned and they took you in, as a tremendous favor…to you. When that is very far from the truth. If you wouldn’t say it to your own natural child you shouldn’t say it to an adopted child because in theory, once you’ve adopted the child, it should be exactly the same as your own natural child. Of course, it never is. If you’re adopted, and in your 50s you become an ax-murderer, you will be publicized as “the adopted child of [your parents].” If you become a great success as, say, an actor, you will be on IMdB as “the adopted child of [parents]” rather than simply “the son/daughter of…”. The thing is, for some of us it’s simply awful to contemplate that our own natural parents did not want us. We were rejected on sight, or in some cases, even without sight. Other adopted people have no problem with this, but a lot of us do, no matter how good our adoptive parents were to us. And your mother’s statement taps into this. Obviously, if you can choose not to let something like this bother you, then that’s better for you. Still seems pretty crappy of your mother to say that. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/35 "2009-08-25T21:19:05Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > The message is: You were pitiful and abandoned and they took you in, as a tremendous favor…to you. When that is very far from the truth. To me, the message is, “your membership in this family is conditional, and up to me.” Maybe I’m reading too much into it, though. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/36 "2009-08-25T21:19:41Z")
There’s a comic strip, Mafalda (by the Argentinian Quino), which is so famous among Hispanics we can use references to individual strips as linguistic shorthand. There is one in which Mafalda (who is about 6 or 7 years old) asks her mother: “but why do I have to?” Answer: “because I’m your mother!” Mafalda: “well, I’m your daughter and we got both titles on the same day!” That’s true whether the graduation had to do with delivery or paperwork. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/37 "2009-08-25T22:13:21Z")
I was adopted, arranged prior to birth, and my adoptive parents were the ones who took me home straight from the hospital. To put that hurtful comment in perspective, I’ve never heard anything like that from my parents. Adoption was mentioned and discussed from before I really understood what it was, explained in ways I would understand at different ages. What was always said from the beginning, and still as a 39-year-old, is that I’m a chosen child. My birth mother knew better than to try to raise me in her life situation, and I was chosen by her and by my adoptive parents. I was never an "unwanted’ child. There has never been a single question in my mind that my mom loves me more than anything or anyone in the world, and I’m sure I would need therapy, too, if she had ever insinuated that I was nothing but a charity case. I’m sorry you had to hear that from your mom. I’m sure it wasn’t intended to sound evil, but it’s certainly immature and can’t possibly be the only thing she’s said or done to screw you up. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/38 "2009-08-25T22:50:03Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > It’s just like “I carried you around for nine months, we raised you, we sent you to school, and this is how you treat us?” Maybe not nice, but certainly true. Without knowing either of you (or what you did that provoked the comment), I would assume that this is what your mom intended to get across. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/39 "2009-08-25T22:59:58Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > The thing is, for some of us it’s simply awful to contemplate that our own natural parents did not want us. We were rejected on sight, or in some cases, even without sight. Other adopted people have no problem with this, but a lot of us do, no matter how good our adoptive parents were to us. And your mother’s statement taps into this. This is exactly why there is no comparing this to saying “I carried you for 9 months, blah blah”. Being put up for adoption is a potential sore spot for reasons that should be obvious, and I can’t even imagine exploiting that soreness to guilt my kid into behaving a certain way. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655/40 "2009-08-25T23:01:30Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > This is exactly why there is no comparing this to saying “I carried you for 9 months, blah blah”. Being put up for adoption is a potential sore spot for reasons that should be obvious, and I can’t even imagine exploiting that soreness to guilt my kid into behaving a certain way. I agree. It just feels worse than saying, “I brought you into this world/I labored for 40 hours to give birth to you!” because everyone is the result of a pregnancy/labor. But not everyone is in the position of an adopted kid. Saying, “We took you in” just implies that, “We took care of you when no one else wanted you, look where you’d be without us.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-hurtful-statement-to-make-to-an-adopted-child/507655.md?page=3)