# Is this a nice guy or is he trying to pick me up ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2002, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395 "2002-04-24T17:28:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dragongirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@dragongirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragongirl)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/1 "2002-04-24T17:28:18Z")
Every morning, I go to the local convience store to pick up a few things. Since I’m always there at the same time of day, I run into the same people every time. About six months ago, one of the regulars started saying hi to me, a few days later he asked me my name and told me his. Every day he seems to talk to me more and more. This morning he asked me to have a cup of coffee with him. I turned him down, so he said maybe tomorrow. I’ve been married for ten years and I don’t have any interest in anyone but my husband. This other guy is about 10-15 years older then me, and it’s been a long time since anyone has even flirted with me. I was never good at it anyway. So, what’s up with this guy, is he just being friendly or is he interested in something else ? ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/2 "2002-04-24T17:36:12Z")
One vote for he wants more than friendship. It’s hard to tell for sure though without being there. ---
**Author:** ![super\_head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@super\_head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/super_head)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/3 "2002-04-24T17:41:06Z")
My question is, does it really matter? He’s certainly being patient about it if he is trying to pick you up … have a cup of coffee with the guy, if he comes on to you, tell him thanks but no thanks. If he’s not trying to pick you up, well, whaddayaknow, you might have a new friend, conversation partner, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/4 "2002-04-24T17:45:28Z")
I’m reminded of the movie “When Harry Met Sally” - apparently, all guys want to nail all girls all the time. I haven’t heard a lot of guys disagreeing vehemently with this sentiment. You didn’t mention it in the OP, but do you even like this guy, or do you wish he would just bug off and let you do your morning stuff without being bothered? Maybe instead of having coffee with him, you could invite him out to coffee with you AND your husband, if you do like him as a friend. That should tell you what you need to know pretty clearly. ---
**Author:** ![EVO95](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/df705f/32.png) [@EVO95](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EVO95)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/5 "2002-04-24T17:48:23Z")
heads: friendly tails: something else :::flip::: tails it is… Have you told him you’re married? Is he married? Although, IMO if he really was after something else, it seems like he’d have moved a bit faster. Sorry I don’t have a definite answer, but without actually knowing the principles, it’s hard to know what’s going on. ---
**Author:** ![Surreal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@Surreal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surreal)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/6 "2002-04-24T17:52:30Z")
Why did he ask _you_ out for a cup of coffee as opposed to somebody else? Couldn’t he have found some guy his age to have a friendly cup of coffee with, someone that he would have MUCH more in common with?? I’m positive he would like much more than coffee. ---
**Author:** ![dragongirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@dragongirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragongirl)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/7 "2002-04-24T17:52:57Z")
He seems like a nice guy, but I can’t be sure since we’ve only made small talk. I really stink at reading people and have been caught in bad situations because of it. Most of the time now I just try to avoid people I’m unsure of. ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/8 "2002-04-24T17:57:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by super\_head \* > \*\*My question is, does it really matter? He’s certainly being patient about it if he is trying to pick you up … have a cup of coffee with the guy, if he comes on to you, tell him thanks but no thanks. If he’s not trying to pick you up, well, whaddayaknow, you might have a new friend, conversation partner, etc. \*\* Say what you want, but if my wife started going out for coffee with guys she just met at the convenience store, I would NOT be a happy camper. For the record I am **far** from being a jealous person but I see no reason why she would need to go on a coffee date with this guy one way or the other. ---
**Author:** ![bernse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@bernse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bernse)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/9 "2002-04-24T18:05:11Z")
If you truly are happily married and want to stay that way, stay away. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/10 "2002-04-24T18:24:12Z")
Yes, he’s trying to schmooze you. No, you shouldn’t get any friendlier if you value a calm conscience and a happy home life. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/11 "2002-04-24T19:04:09Z")
I disagree vehemently with the When Harry Met Sally thesis, but… This guy is definitely after something more. If in your passing conversations, you found that you had something in common (like a passion for antiques), and he asked you to do something related to that common interest (like going antiquing), I wouldn’t think there was anything shady about that. (Though I would invite your husband along to go antiquing.) But just a random invitation on a date–he’s trying for a little horizontal mambo. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/12 "2002-04-24T19:22:02Z")
he wants in the panties. if a guy wants a friend, he gets a dog. * * * “Everything else just falls under the heading, ‘Just tryin’ to get laid!’”-- Chris Rock ---
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/13 "2002-04-24T19:24:20Z")
These responses take my breath away. **pezpunk** seems to sum it up best: “I’m far from being jealous … [but I sure am insecure].” **dragongirl** , you risk nothing by engaging the man in conversation. Under the circumstances you’ve described it seems quite appropriate. If he’s interested in “something else” you can tell him that you aren’t and be flattered by his interest. No harm done. What is the matter with everyone? Is it really that threatening to your relationships that you might want to get to know the people you meet every day? ---
**Author:** ![SmackFu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@SmackFu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmackFu)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/14 "2002-04-24T20:01:28Z")
I think dropping a reference to the hubby into the conversation might smoke out the true motivations. ---
**Author:** ![katiekilldare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/838e76/32.png) [@katiekilldare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katiekilldare)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/15 "2002-04-24T20:31:18Z")
Wow. I think **pezpunk** is right on the money. Not wanting his wife to head off for coffee with Mr. Let’s-go-somewhere-where-we-can-talk hits me as pretty understandable. It most _certainly_ does not mean he’s insecure. He asked, you said no. If he asks again tomorrow, say no again. He’ll get the picture. I certainly wouldn’t just up and go out with someone I give a nod to every morning at the convenient store, I don’t care how long I’d been going there. He doesn’t want to be your friend. He’s looking for a date. ---
**Author:** ![pezpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/16 "2002-04-24T20:47:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sunacres \* > \*\*These responses take my breath away. **pezpunk** seems to sum it up best: “I’m far from being jealous … [but I sure am insecure].” > \*\* I think you misunderstand (read “are wrong”). If my wife went out with an old friend or acquaintance from work that is cool. I have no problems with her having any male friends. She has gone to strip clubs with male friends before and I could care less and vice versa. The problem in this case is he is a stranger, he is a guy, and being a guy myself I feel it is safe to assume what he wants. Even if he does just want to be friends is inconsequential. For the record though guys who approach girls they don’t know and ask them out for coffee are not doing so because they aren’t attracted to them. I trust my wife and know she would not do ANYTHING it’s simply the idea that there is no reason to go out with a stranger of the opposite sex in this scenario. As I said, if she knew him from work or some other setting then that is cool. I know that she would feel the same. ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/17 "2002-04-24T21:27:02Z")
My world works just like **pezpunk’s** world and nothing like **sunacres**. _Vive la difference_, I suppose. **Dragongirl** – the guys is clearly interested in you romantically. There’s really no other way to take this, though others will attempt rationalization. The fact that he’s waited six months or so to ask you out for coffee is not relevant. He may have only come into these feelings recently, or needed six months to work up the nerve. Or maybe the increasing lengths of your conversations have recently emboldened him. IMHO, as a married woman, coffee with him – presumably as a stranger unknown to your husband or family – is out of bounds. **YMMV**. Just be firm with the convenience-store guy about your intentions to keep your “relationship” superficial. **Sunacres** , I have to head you off here concerning my advice – I know this kind of thing is OK with you. But remember, the rules you live by and the things you’re comfortable with don’t work for everyone. And it’s not insecurity – it’s just the “rules” other people choose to follow in respect to a relationship or marriage. Like I said – your world, my world, **pezpunk’s** world, **Dragongirl’s** world. We all live life differently, but we all live it right. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/18 "2002-04-24T21:38:27Z")
My vote is “trying for a date”. I wouldn’t avoid him though, he sounds pretty harmless, and he just asked you out for coffee after MONTHS. Just be honest and tell him you’re married. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/19 "2002-04-24T21:44:00Z")
You know, there isn’t any reason in the world why he can’t be **both** a nice guy, **and** trying to pick you up. There’s this weird theme going on here that either a guy wants a friend, or he wants a sex partner, which I think is a pretty anachronistic and puritanical view of sex: it harks beck to a time when many people saw sex was dirty, and something that you would only do with people you didn’t respect. Te big question is whether or not he knows you are married. Don’t assume he’s noticed a ring: not all guys do, and if you’ve only ever come in alone, he may well have convinced himself that he ring isn’t a wedding ring (hey, crushes can make you silly). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2002, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395/20 "2002-04-24T21:47:00Z")
I have had a lot of success over the years with “coffee? you do realize I’m married, don’t you?” He’ll either say “no, I didn’t - I’m sorry” (and then probably make some excuse about now being not good - I forgot I have a dental appointment sort of thing). Or he’ll say “yeah, I noticed the ring, I just think you look like you are a pretty neat person and I’d like to get to know you better.” I’ve had both reactions (the first being far more common - however, you’ll get to laugh if you mention you are married and his response is “oh, well is it serious?” or “would you be interested in having and affair” I’ve gotten both those answers). I had a friendship (and only a friendship) for years with someone who approached me like this when I was attached, and was seriously just looking for a friend. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-nice-guy-or-is-he-trying-to-pick-me-up/105395.md?page=2)