# Is this a rude or polite thing to say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 10, 2017, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308 "2017-05-10T19:18:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/1 "2017-05-10T19:18:04Z")
Jane, Jon, Mark, and a handful of others are having a conversation. The topic being: Deal breakers for people who they could not date: Mark: “I could never date a woman who is taller than me. Too awkward.” Jon: “For me, I could never date a woman with red hair. I’ve had bad experiences.” Jane: “I could never date a guy with bad teeth” [Jane suddenly remembers Jon has missing teeth] “No offense Jon.” I’m sure most people mean well when they say this. But it’s actually kind of rude to highlight to the group that “this person here” has the thing that offends me to the group when it might have otherwise gone unnoticed. ETA: The above is a hypothetical. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/2 "2017-05-10T19:21:43Z")
Rude to say something disparaging about a person in the conversation. It requires an apology, and “no offense” is not an apology. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/3 "2017-05-10T19:43:01Z")
In Jane’s defense, she is six foot three and a redhead. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/4 "2017-05-10T19:44:51Z")
A bit thoughtless, perhaps, but it’s an honest response in line with the conversation. Blunt, but not rude. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/5 "2017-05-10T19:45:35Z")
It’s rude. I voted other, because ‘intent’ is left up to the person saying it. Some people are just clueless. It reminds me of many sports rules. As an umpire of many years you often come across the argument that an infraction wasn’t intentional. Sorry, coach; intentions have nothing to do with it. Same applies here. It’s rude whether it was intentionally rude or not. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/6 "2017-05-10T19:46:41Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Rude to say something disparaging about a person in the conversation. It requires an apology, and “no offense” is not an apology. She didn’t disparage - She made a statement about her preferences. Unless she’s required to be dishonest because of present company…? IMO, dishonesty in that context would be rude, in that it presumes Jon is so fragile that he can’t handle her truth. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/7 "2017-05-10T19:54:20Z")
Given what we know about the people in the example (i.e., nothing), it’s unintentionally rude. But it could easily intentionally rude or not rude at all, depending on the relationships between the characters. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/8 "2017-05-10T19:55:11Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > She didn’t disparage - She made a statement about her preferences. Unless she’s required to be dishonest because of present company…? IMO, dishonesty in that context would be rude, in that it presumes Jon is so fragile that he can’t handle her truth. Yeah but if Jane sincerely thinks Jon has the fortitude to handle such comments, there would be no need to console Jon by saying “No offense”. No need for Jane to be dishonest. Make the statement, and let it stand. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/9 "2017-05-10T20:04:21Z")
Other. I presume that Jane and Jon know each other well enough to know if it was an intentional insult or just an unfortunate slip. The rest of us can only armchair quarterback the conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Weisshund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ba8739/32.png) [@Weisshund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weisshund)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/10 "2017-05-10T20:27:49Z")
Note rude, unless we did not really want jane to participate in an honest conversation. Also missing teeth does not denote bad per se John could have gotten a tooth knocked out in an accident, it does not render his remaining teeth bad ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/11 "2017-05-10T20:28:55Z")
I don’t understand how the comment is rude; she’s stating what she likes in a dating partner, and Jon doesn’t happen to fit those parameters. I don’t see it as rude at all, it’s just continuing the conversation. What if Jane had red hair that she dyed blond, so Jon was actually saying he wouldn’t date her but didn’t realize it. Would he be rude then? What if Mark said “I couldn’t date someone taller than me, no offense Jon”, and does their sexual orientation matter to the rudeness? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/12 "2017-05-10T20:29:34Z")
Unintentionally rude; calling attention to someone’s defects. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/13 "2017-05-10T20:33:36Z")
I voted Not Rude. At no point did Jane say there was anything \*wrong \*with having bad teeth. Any more than the first two said there was anything \*wrong \*with being tall or having red hair. They were all just expressing their preferences. The “no offense” addendum might have been a sly bit of rudeness, a wink to the audience to imply, “you know, like \*this \*jamoke,” but we don’t know that from the description of the situation. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/14 "2017-05-10T20:37:27Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > She didn’t disparage - She made a statement about her preferences. Unless she’s required to be dishonest because of present company…? IMO, dishonesty in that context would be rude, in that it presumes Jon is so fragile that he can’t handle her truth. I’d allow some leeway under the circumstances, but it would not be dishonest not to mention a characteristic of the present company. ---
**Author:** ![igor\_frankensteen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/839c29/32.png) [@igor\_frankensteen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/igor_frankensteen)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/15 "2017-05-10T21:16:32Z")
“Rude” is a relative term. In fact, it sort of has a heritage of class snobbery. “Rude” can mean either intentionally or accidentally unpleasant behavior, or it can mean crude, due to lack of education or other “advanced” ability. Really, although somethings are COMMONLY considered rude, nothing is OBJECTIVELY so. The specific example, of a group of people chatting, and one declaring that they instantly dislike anyone with a characteristic that one of the other ones happen to have, would NOT qualify as rude in all social situations. May I know what the point of the exercise is? I ask, because attendant to such questions in many cases I have witnessed, is the idea of using the fact that something can be considered rude, as a manipulative tool to either win an argument, or suppress a speaker in some way. WHY do you want a vote on whether this is “officially” rude or not? Do you plan on telling someone they CAN’T say it, or are you planning on saying it, and then declaring that according to a vote here, you are officially “not rude”? Just curious. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/16 "2017-05-10T21:24:40Z")
Unintentionally rude within the context of how I try to live my life and maintain friendships. And, both parts of it are rude: both pointing out to people that Jon here is a cap-toothed undesireable as well as forgetting that Jon is a member of said group. Not rude within the context of people who would have this kind of conversation knowing that this exact kind of situation might occur. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/17 "2017-05-10T21:42:05Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > In Jane’s defense, she is six foot three and a redhead. Sounds awesome ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/18 "2017-05-10T21:45:44Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > In Jane’s defense, she is six foot three and a redhead. So now Mark and Jon also have a missing tooth! ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/19 "2017-05-10T22:01:06Z")
I don’t think it was rude, and certainly it was not intentionally rude. I think she should not have added the "No offense, Jon"part. That’s kind of tacky. Presumably if they are friends, he knows she doesn’t meant offend him. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2017, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308/20 "2017-05-10T22:20:03Z")
Something very similar happened to me. The women I worked with were discussing deal-breakers and one of them said she’d never date a divorced man. My divorce wasn’t even a year old and my scars were pretty raw. > [@Tranquilis](#): > > A bit thoughtless, perhaps, but it’s an honest response in line with the conversation. Blunt, but not rude. I guess that depends on whether you’re Jane, Mark or Jon. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-a-rude-or-polite-thing-to-say/786308.md?page=2)