# Is this apology note sufficient? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 7, 2012, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065 "2012-04-07T05:35:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/21 "2012-04-07T12:41:02Z")
Since it sounds like she’s someone you don’t want to get on the wrong side of an apology seems harmless enough. Just don’t go around actually feeling bad about it. And don’t mention it to your TA- he’s going to wonder why the hell people are still talking about some stupid scarf and lump you in with his over-reacting professor. If it helps, he’ll most likely say something like: “Don’t worry about it, she can be a little weird sometimes.” Maybe CC him on the apology, since the prof did for her scolding. Or, upon reflection, instead buy her an expensive gift! Do students really give professors expensive gifts like cashmere shawls? Maybe it’s because I’m in a social work field of studies but that seems bordering on unethical. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/22 "2012-04-07T12:46:55Z")
Don’t apologise, you did nothing wrong! You could express sympathy that she lost her shawl. So something kinda like: Dear Professor Careless-and-Whiney, I am sorry your shawl has not been returned to you. Unaware of its value, I left it in the classroom thinking the owner would soon collect it. I sincerely hope it was picked up by accident and that it will soon be returned to you. Kind regards, lizlizliz ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/23 "2012-04-07T12:57:44Z")
Dear Professor, I’m sorry for the loss of your believed shawl. I pray it is in a better place now, joining its voice to the Great Post Menopausal Shawl Chorus, reminding us all how easy we kids have it and to keep off their lawn. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/24 "2012-04-07T14:23:37Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I’m wiith everybody else. You don’t owe an apology. If anyone owes an apology, it’s _maybe_ her teacher for not policing up the room after the students left. I don’t think it’s even _maybe_ the teacher’s job to do this. This is college, not kindergarten. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/25 "2012-04-07T16:22:38Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Professor, > > I too, am disappointed that your shawl did not remain in the classroom for you to collect; my intention at the time was to leave it clearly visible for its rightful owner. > > _It is unfortunate that my reasoning that the shawl was in a ‘safe place’ did not take into account the dishonesty of others._ > > I will keep my eye out for it, and trust that it will eventually be returned to you. > > **lizlizliz** I like the first and third sentences. Something about the italicized sentences grates on me, though I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s too pessimistic. I’d just drop that sentence, or maybe replace it with something like “Hopefully another student took it to turn it in, but hasn’t yet for some reason.” ---
**Author:** ![lizlizliz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/db5fbb/32.png) [@lizlizliz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizlizliz)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/26 "2012-04-07T17:48:10Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Professor, > > I too, am disappointed that your shawl did not remain in the classroom for you to collect; my intention at the time was to leave it clearly visible for its rightful owner. > > It is unfortunate that my reasoning that the shawl was in a ‘safe place’ did not take into account the dishonesty of others. > > I will keep my eye out for it, and trust that it will eventually be returned to you. > > **lizlizliz** This is what I should have gone for. I think I’ll go with a variation of this. Thanks! **Zjestika** , it was a gift from a grad student who was on a Fulbright, given after she finished her time there. Said professor is “sick to have lost it” (another line from the email that I forgot to mention). Also, I’m laughing my head off at “The Great Post Menopausal Shawl Chorus.” 😃 Thanks for the input, everyone! ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/27 "2012-04-07T18:28:13Z")
Why didn’t everyone else in the room that day get an e-mail? 6I’s note is nice ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/28 "2012-04-07T18:32:32Z")
My cynical nature suspects that the professor thinks liz[sup]3[/sup] pinched the shawl and that’s why she’s getting these cranky emails. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/29 "2012-04-07T19:13:08Z")
You don’t owe anyone an apology or email. ---
**Author:** ![lizlizliz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/db5fbb/32.png) [@lizlizliz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizlizliz)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/30 "2012-04-07T21:29:18Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#): > > Why didn’t everyone else in the room that day get an e-mail? > > 6I’s note is nice Everyone got an email from my TA asking if anyone had seen it. I was the only one stupid enough to respond to it, so it looks like I’m the only one that saw her stupid shawl and left it there. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/31 "2012-04-07T22:12:54Z")
I don’t understand why everyone’s obsessed with whether you owe an apology or not. Apologies are not just given because you owe someone something. They are part of the conversational lubricant. People say they’re sorry all the time for things they didn’t do. For example, how often have you told someone you are sorry for their loss when they inform you someone close to them has died? Under this logic, you wouldn’t do that unless you killed them. The other posters have given the correct response, already. I just don’t like the rationale that you are only doing it because you may need something out of this person later. Do it because doing so will help resolve the anger of your fellow human being. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/32 "2012-04-07T22:21:09Z")
Well theres the issue of misuse of power, blaming someone else for your own mistakes, hypocrisy in that the person simply did the same thing they did ie forgot it, and punishing someone for actually being helpful. Pandering to anger sometimes simply helps a person be angry more often, ie you’re not really doing anyone a favour. In my view this is one of those situations and the only reason to apologise is self-interest due to the power issues involved. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/33 "2012-04-07T22:21:36Z")
I’m sorry for your loss is a different kettle of fish. It carries with it no assumption of guilt. If she wrote I’m sorry for the loss of your sweater it would be a purely commiserating note and no one reading it would assume she, the writer was taking the blame for its disappearance. The notes that the OP has shared do assume the blame and that’s what we’re objecting to; the idea that liz[sup]3[/sup] is somehow responsible for the missing shawl. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/34 "2012-04-07T22:24:58Z")
Try this: I’m sorry that you are so careless with your belongings, furthermore I am truly sorry that I mentioned seeing your shawl, as now you think it is my fault you are so careless. I can only hope that in the future you pay more attention to your belongings and that you and I never cross paths again. ---
**Author:** ![lizlizliz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/db5fbb/32.png) [@lizlizliz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizlizliz)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/35 "2012-04-07T22:36:56Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I don’t understand why everyone’s obsessed with whether you owe an apology or not. Apologies are not just given because you owe someone something. They are part of the conversational lubricant. People say they’re sorry all the time for things they didn’t do. For example, how often have you told someone you are sorry for their loss when they inform you someone close to them has died? Under this logic, you wouldn’t do that unless you killed them. > > The other posters have given the correct response, already. I just don’t like the rationale that you are only doing it because you may need something out of this person later. Do it because doing so will help resolve the anger of your fellow human being. I would send an apology of sorts regardless of whether or not I needed something from this woman. My problem is that I’ve never written a formal apology to someone in a position of authority, hence why I asked for advice. My goal for the time being is to smooth things over. Should I apply to her program and she remembers my name from this incident, I would hope she remembers that I at least tried to take some responsibility. ---
**Author:** ![Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Emtar\_KronJonDerSohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emtar_KronJonDerSohn)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/36 "2012-04-07T23:16:55Z")
Dear Prof. Shawlless, I sure am sorry to hear of the sentimental importance of said shawl. Have you asked the janitorial staff? It is my understanding that they are primarily responsible for dealing with discarded items and may be of further assistance. Best of luck in your search, [signed] ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/37 "2012-04-07T23:50:25Z")
Dear Professor Idiot, Thanks for the free shawl! I’ve never wiped my ass with cashmere before. It’s like being kissed by a thousand dandelions. Tell me - do you have any advice on removing stubborn stains? Love, Someone who actually got something out of your class for once. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/38 "2012-04-08T03:52:08Z")
"Dear [whoever] I feel terrible that I did not turn your shawl into the department lost and found. That would have been the responsible thing to do. I had mistakenly assumed the owner did not give a shit this ugly shawl. Had I known how important this was to you, I would not have worn it as a cape while fucking my girlfriend up the ass and then given it to my fraternity pledges to use as a dishrag to clean the fraternity house bar. You can collect your stupid shawl at the Sigma Chi house, probably either behind the party room bar or being used as a scarf by our bull mastiff Giganto. Retards, [The OP]" ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/39 "2012-04-08T04:09:45Z")
Dear Professor Fuckall-for-Brains, I am pleased to inform you that while I have not located your missing “cashmere” shawl (right, psh), I have found your head. If you’ll take the liberty of pulling it right out of your ass, you’ll have located it too. Then perhaps you won’t lose your shit and then blame it on one of your students. Fuck off for good now, lizlizliz ---
**Author:** ![lizlizliz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/db5fbb/32.png) [@lizlizliz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizlizliz)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2012, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065/40 "2012-04-08T05:50:20Z")
Well, I sent somewhat of an apology email and she replied back. Apparently she completely understands my reasoning in leaving it behind and knows that it was her responsibility, which leads me to wonder why she bothered making it sound like my fault in the first place. I’m confused, but I’ll sleep just fine tonight, just like I did when I left her shawl. Thanks for all the replies! (both the serious and humorous ones) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-apology-note-sufficient/618065.md?page=3)