# Is this being overly manipulative? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948 "2010-05-27T14:25:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/41 "2010-05-27T18:44:41Z")
This would have been my short and to the point response: Dear Mom; No means no. Love, Megan. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/42 "2010-05-27T18:58:17Z")
I wouldn’t have responded at all. My mom shovels crazy shit at me all the time. I just pretend I don’t see it. If she wants to talk to me like a normal person, then I’ll respond to her, but when it comes to her manipulative or passive-aggressive little fits, it’s like I can’t even hear her. I mean, you ignore children when they throw tantrums, right? You don’t want to teach them that if they just cry and bitch enough they’ll get what they want, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/43 "2010-05-27T19:03:37Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > ## Later in the chain, she clarified that she didn’t think it was deliberate in the sense that I was doing it to hurt her, but that I just didn’t care enough about her feelings/needs/wants to remember that **she wants me to always acknowledge every single call/email/text ASAP**. > > And if she would have just said, “Hey, you never replied to my calls last weekend. It really bugs me when I don’t hear back from you about something–can you please try to remember to respond, even if the message is moot by the time you get it?” there would have been no problem. **I’d have apologized and renewed my efforts to remember to respond to things even when there’s no point, because that’s what she wants.** But she couldn’t just ask–she had to try to make me feel like a terrible person at the same time. emphasis mine Whew!!! This sounds like someone I know. Unreasonable expectations, but the only way to bring about peace is for you to apologize, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. This is very classic borderline personality disorder traits. Good luck. I doubt she will ever change. You will have to continue to figure out how to keep a relationship with her…if that’s what you want. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/44 "2010-05-27T19:04:13Z")
your mom is just trying to express a concern as honestly as she can. Obviously, the issue goes well beyond this one incident and she feels like you’ve been blowing her off habitually for years. It’s not “manipulative” for her to say that straight out. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/45 "2010-05-27T19:16:48Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s not “manipulative” for her to say that straight out. Expressing frustration that her daughter didn’t return her calls is not manipulative. Equating the daughter’s behavior to the reason she divorced her husband, is manipulative. It’s sole purpose is to make the daughter to feel like shit. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/46 "2010-05-27T19:19:46Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > emphasis mine > > Whew!!! This sounds like someone I know. Unreasonable expectations, but the only way to bring about peace is for you to apologize, even if you didn’t do anything wrong\ Another way is to stop participating in their drama. 🙂 > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > your mom is just trying to express a concern as honestly as she can. It looks to me like her mom’s “concern” is that she isn’t getting her way, and her daughter is not doing exactly what her mom thinks she should do. > [@](#): > > Obviously, the issue goes well beyond this one incident and she feels like you’ve been blowing her off habitually for years. It’s not “manipulative” for her to say that straight out. Agreed that the issue is years old. I also agree that it would not have been manipulative for her to say that straight out, but she didn’t - she sent **Shot From Guns** an emotionally loaded email. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/47 "2010-05-27T19:23:31Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Another way is to stop participating in their drama. 🙂 I agree with you…however with many BPD’s it’s their way or the highway. If you don’t acquiesce to their conditions, they will cut off contact with you…they’re just waiting on their apology, and they are very principled, typically live in very black and white worlds…no shades of grey. They will tell you that “you” created the drama by your behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/48 "2010-05-27T19:28:56Z")
Seems manipulative. I don’t know–I can’t imagine my mom typing out a whole email. She’d just ask me in a few words. The idea of making a huge email out of it…what’s the point? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/49 "2010-05-27T19:35:58Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > I agree with you…however with many BPD’s it’s their way or the highway. If you don’t acquiesce to their conditions, they will cut off contact with you…they’re just waiting on their apology, and they are very principled, typically live in very black and white worlds…no shades of grey. They will tell you that “you” created the drama by your behavior. That sounds like an awful lot of trouble to try to keep a difficult person happy. I guess there may be a reason to make that kind of effort, but I’m more likely to go on living my life while they’re waiting on my apology. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/50 "2010-05-27T19:38:43Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That sounds like an awful lot of trouble to try to keep a difficult person happy. I guess there may be a reason to make that kind of effort, but I’m more likely to go on living my life while they’re waiting on my apology. I agree, which is why I said this in my first post: > [@Wilbo523](#): > > You will have to continue to figure out how to keep a relationship with her…if that’s what you want. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/51 "2010-05-27T19:43:48Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > My custom user title is “Bad Mother,” so she was just teasing me. Hence the toungey-stickey-outey smiley. > > FWIW, I don’t consider myself a bad mother. It’s just a joke based on something hilarious that **Diosa** said in another thread Exactly, an inside joke. It’s funny because, to me, Green Bean is light-years away from being a bad mother. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/52 "2010-05-27T19:44:30Z")
“What does that tell you?” I’m not sure the answer to Jay’s question is as self-evident as he seems to think. I think he _means_ that the object person just doesn’t care about the subject person’s feelings. But _you_ know that’s not true–you care about your mom’s feelings and you don’t mean to ignore her–in fact, within the routine of your life, you’re _not_ ignoring her. I wonder if she ever asked your dad _why_ he was noisy coming home late after work, or why he didn’t seem to mind waking her up. Maybe he wasn’t as unreasonable as he seemed in _her_ account. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/53 "2010-05-27T19:49:58Z")
Therapist Jay doesn’t sound like much of a therapist. Mom already indicated she was a light sleeper, and slept with one ear open. Hell any noise would have woken her up. Dad was set up to fail from the beginning…just like daughter will be when she doesn’t respond to the next phone message/text/e-mail. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/54 "2010-05-27T19:51:31Z")
A better question to the OP is: Does your mom have a history of broken friendships or relationships with other family members? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/55 "2010-05-27T19:52:52Z")
I had to come back in here to say one thing: this thread has been making me re-visit (again) just how manipulative my own ma is. If most of you - **Dio** and a few other dissenters notwithstanding - found the OP’s scenario to be so terribly manipulative and out of line, then … um … wow. This would have been Kiddie Lite for my own mother, so if this is bad, then what mine did is … oh … \ Thanks for the perspective, everyone. And **Dio**? > [@](#): > > she feels like you’ve been blowing her off habitually for years One person’s “habitually blowing off” is another person’s “refusal to obey unreasonable demands.” ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/56 "2010-05-27T20:18:22Z")
Well, I don’t want to say that what the OP’s mom did is TERRIBLE. It just seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill. She seems to be a bit drama infused. ---
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/57 "2010-05-27T20:19:46Z")
Since people have been telling Mom for years that her manipulative behavior is not appreciated and is counterproductive to maintaining healthy relationships, and she keeps on doing it anyway, well…what does that tell you? ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/58 "2010-05-27T20:35:25Z")
I answered the poll earlier today and then had to go run some errands. I missed a lot of the backstory. On first reading it did not seem very manipulative to me. It came across as someone who was hurt that they didn’t get a call back and was letting you know how the feelings were similar to a hurt she had earlier in life. I didn’t see it as that big a deal. The actual phone calls seemed worse to me, then the letter itself. I came back to the thread to see what others thought. I see that I am in a minority opinion. Which is fine, I don’t mind disagreeing. That doesn’t change my mind. What does make me waver is the history that the OP has brought up. It seems like this is not the first time this lady has tried to use her emotions to manipulate situations. With that context it does seem to make this email a little heavier and less about her letting you know how she feels and more about trying to make you do things that you do not want to do. As a one off, I still don’t see the big deal. But, as a patten of behavior I can see it more clearly. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/59 "2010-05-27T20:56:52Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Therapist Jay doesn’t sound like much of a therapist. Mom already indicated she was a light sleeper, and slept with one ear open. Hell any noise would have woken her up. Dad was set up to fail from the beginning…just like daughter will be when she doesn’t respond to the next phone message/text/e-mail. The man also had hearing damage. TherapistJay does not sound like a helpful dude. Asking “Why do you think he had so much trouble not waking you up?” would have been a much more productive, solution-finding question. But OP’s mom is also co-opting therapy session bits out of context. That also really isn’t fair. TherapistJay never actually said anything about the OP. The OP’s mom just said, basically: “I can imagine his voice saying…” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/60 "2010-05-27T21:03:16Z")
Your mom is a psycho bitch who needs a counselor to tell her what she thinks. She also may be menopausal, adding to her craziness. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948.md?page=4)