# Is this being overly manipulative? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948 "2010-05-27T14:25:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![velomont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/8491ac/32.png) [@velomont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velomont)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/61 "2010-05-27T21:19:43Z")
My mom was manipulative and passive-aggressive as sin and so is one of my older sisters. So is your mom. Her expectations are unrealistic and self-centred and she has demonstrated no margin for error for other people’s behaviour. You’ve done nothing wrong - people miss calls from time to time. The appropriate email would have been something like “hi dear (or whatever). I don’t know if you missed my messages but there was a family event blah blah blah and I hope everything’s okay.” All the historical stuff in her email is irrelevant guilt-trip ammo. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/62 "2010-05-27T21:52:32Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Your mom is a psycho bitch who needs a counselor to tell her what she thinks. She also may be menopausal, adding to her craziness. Did you just call someone’s mother a bitch? I shan’t criticise but that was very forthright of you :eek: ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/63 "2010-05-27T23:40:01Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Your mom is a psycho bitch who needs a counselor to tell her what she thinks. She also may be menopausal, adding to her craziness. Yeesh, lil’ harsh, don’t you think? Yeah, she sounds pretty manipulative. Is she italian, by any chance? Because she totally has the catholic, italian guilt trip thing down to a “t.” It’s very common in my family. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2010, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/64 "2010-05-27T23:59:51Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > What **NinetyWt** said: > > - Mom, if you want me to attend a family function, I better have a whole lot of advance notice, and I will (probably/possibly/maybe) attend if I am able. > - Mom, my not being constantly tethered to my phone, and skipping messages that are already moot, is not the same thing as dad ruining your sleep for (months/years/decades/whatever) even though you asked him not to. Also: Mom, I explained to you that was going to be _busy_ on Sunday. You’re not stupid. You understood exactly what I said. And yet you chose to disregard what I said and phone me about the family event anyway. What does that tell _me_? Holy hell yes, manipulative. If this is her normal mode of interacting with you, and not an aberration, this would, for me, tread dangerously close to dealbreaker territory. You’re an adult. She’s going to have to accept that your life doesn’t revolve around her, and sometimes you actually have other stuff to do. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/65 "2010-05-28T00:08:01Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Does your mom have a history of broken friendships or relationships with other family members? No, but we’ve all noticed this about her. She has good quantities in spades–but she can also be very manipulative and judgmental. > [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > TherapistJay never actually said anything about the OP. The OP’s mom just said, basically: “I can imagine his voice saying…” :rolleyes: Mmmmmmmmmmmmhm. The most recent part of ye olde email chain had me actually suggesting that she print the whole thing out and take it to a therapist. In TherapistJay’s defense, Dad at that point really was a fairly selfish, immature person. (I seem to recall hearing that at some point he dumped their two cats at an animal shelter while my mom was out of the house–at the doctor while she was pregnant with my brother, I think.) And my parents definitely did need to get divorced. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > She also may be menopausal, adding to her craziness. She is. She’s also under a lot of stress right now, doing a lot of the coordination on moving my grandparents to an apartment from the home they’ve lived in for 50 years. But it’s not like this kind of emotional manipulation is anything new. > [@lezlers](#): > > Is she italian, by any chance? Because she totally has the catholic, italian guilt trip thing down to a “t.” It’s very common in my family. This is the \*Irish \*Catholic guilt trip, faithfully handed down from her mother. Her siblings seem to have avoided it more or less, but Mom picked it up, cherished it, and made it her own. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/66 "2010-05-28T00:10:22Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > Passive aggressive female nonsense. Ignore. Nail on the head. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/67 "2010-05-28T00:23:15Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > Passive aggressive female nonsense. Ignore. If it was her dad being like this would it be passive aggressive male nonsense? ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/68 "2010-05-28T00:30:12Z")
I say the key is when she says how important it is to her that you return her messages. In other words, YOUR life needs to revolve around HER needs and she’s not afraid to play the emotion card either. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/69 "2010-05-28T00:38:10Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > If it was her dad being like this would it be passive aggressive male nonsense? No. This sort of crap is female. It would be passive aggressive feminine nonsense committed by a man. Very unlikely to happen though. For the avoidance of doubt, I’m not a misogynist\*. I just recognise that certain behaviours are, while not exactly gender-specific, semi-confined to one gender or another and pointing that out isn’t sexist. Denying the existence of these tendencies is political correctness taking over reality. \*It may be possible that I focus upon quirks from the fairer sex here, I dunno if I do or not but I have definitely been accused of such in real life. My answer to that is that being a male, male quirks seem more natural to me so I notice and point female ones out more. However, I am basically pro-women… fuck that, I love women - I’m no caveman! ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/70 "2010-05-28T00:43:54Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > \ > > Later in the chain, she clarified that she didn’t think it was deliberate in the sense that I was doing it to hurt her, but that I just didn’t care enough about her feelings/needs/wants to remember that she wants me to always acknowledge every single call/email/text ASAP. Oh I hate that argument, it’s such bullshit. Can’t she see that she doesn’t care enough about your wants and needs to not be a slave to her unnecessarily rigid concept of phone etiquette? If you really loved me you would give me exactly what I want and do exactly as I say, but don’t expect me to do the same to prove that I love you. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/71 "2010-05-28T00:44:27Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > This sort of crap is female. It would be passive aggressive feminine nonsense committed by a man. Very unlikely to happen though. > > For the avoidance of doubt, I’m not a misogynist\*. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/72 "2010-05-28T00:48:46Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > :rolleyes: Did you read the entirety of what I said? ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/73 "2010-05-28T00:52:02Z")
Yeah, seriously. You left out the part where he said other people have already told him his opinions are sexist. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/74 "2010-05-28T00:52:06Z")
> [@Happy\_Poster](#): > > No. > > This sort of crap is female. > > quirks from the fairer sex > > male quirks seem more natural > > I’m not a misogynist _One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong!_ ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/75 "2010-05-28T00:55:09Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > _One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong!_ I laughed. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/76 "2010-05-28T00:56:25Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > _One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong!_ For goodness’ sake. When I say something is feminine, I don’t mean that it is shared by all women. I merely mean it is overweighted in the fairer sex. Seriously… One of the following four things is your dispute, which is it? 1. Men and Women are different. 2. Men and Women think differently. 3. Men and Women, due to thinking differently, may have certain patterns, or characteristics, of thought assigned to them on a probabilistic basis. 4. As a shorthand, those modes of thought or behaviour may be described as “Male” or “Female”. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/77 "2010-05-28T00:58:25Z")
(I would take offence if it weren’t so obvious I can convince you eventually that I’m being reasonable; I was the first ever male member of a sex equality society in mainland Britain… but amusingly what was obvious then remains obvious now, and perhaps the pendulum has swung too much… ;)) ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Poster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Happy\_Poster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Poster)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/78 "2010-05-28T01:02:43Z")
Also, I can’t help but notice this bizarre left-field attack on my views - well, not on my views, but on me, really - occurs as I defend your mother. Serious question: Is this a co-incidence? As it probably isn’t, what does it mean? I genuinely have no idea, and I don’t really want to know the answer - but please think about it yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/79 "2010-05-28T01:15:59Z")
Admittedly, most of my life _has_ been defined by my desire to criticize people who’ve defended **Shot From Guns** ’ mother on the internet. ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948/80 "2010-05-28T01:42:48Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > . > > Later in the chain, she clarified that she didn’t think it was deliberate in the sense that I was doing it to hurt her, but that I just didn’t care enough about her feelings/needs/wants to remember that she wants me to always acknowledge every single call/email/text ASAP. This is what stuck out for me (yes, she’s manipulative, I voted!) The thing is you are not married to her, and yes, it is OK if you DON’T care enough about her feelings/needs/wants to remember to acknowledge every single communication from her. I love my parents but I certainly don’t care enough about their feelings to do that for them. My mother tends to the manipulative too but living on different continents has helped our relationship incredibly! That said, I’m still smarting from our month long miserable trip two years ago, and sadly last year she did herself out of a visit from her grandkids on the strength of that. Luckily there were other true reasons for us to give to the parents as to why we weren’t going. But had we really, really wanted to go, we’d have gotten around those reasons somehow… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-being-overly-manipulative/540948.md?page=5)